


Better Feel Nothing

by Anannua



Series: I'm Here To Get Hurt and Chew Gum (and I'm all out of gum) [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial, Developing Relationship, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Feelings Realization, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hallucinations, Healing, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Nightmares, No Underage Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Self-Discovery, Therapy, experimenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2020-12-24 05:22:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 102,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21094076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anannua/pseuds/Anannua
Summary: Direct Sequel to Nothing Feels Better.Kakashi and his team go through some serious trauma, together. This is their journey towards something like recovery, self-discovery, healing and peace.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ** _Read at your own risk. _ **
> 
> This story is designed to hurt you** thoroughly **before there's any comfort, but it does come, much, _much_ later.
> 
> +  
2/11/2020 Update: This started out only as a recovery story, I didn't expect it to turn into a slow-burn love story? That's about where we are, near chapter 17-18. Officially shipping Yamato/Kakashi.

If Sarotobi had chosen his words more carefully, had thought about who Kakashi is, and what’s important to him…

If Naruto fell not into hopeless despair, but unrelenting rage…

If just a few things had been different, perhaps Kakashi hesitates for just long enough for things to change.

+

“I raped them, Lord Third,” his clone says monotonously, eyes fixed on his open hands. He can still feel the flat of Sakura’s naked thighs, where he gripped Sasuke’s bony hip, Naruto’s hot and eager flesh. He stares, his breath stolen for a moment, but, well. Soon those memories will be gone, forever, his shame buried with his body.

“Minato taught you better.”

Miles away, on his knees in the floor of his ancestral home, with the flat of a knife ready before his bare stomach, Kakashi freezes.

“I know you won’t disrespect his memory this way,” Sarutobi continues steadily.

Kakashi feels the grip on his tanto shudder.

“I’m resolved,” he hears himself say, or at least he’s fairly certain that’s what he means to announce, but he’s already imagining deep blue eyes made dim by disappointment. It’s a sight he doesn’t have to produce from conjecture, he’s seen it before. It is an effort not to get lost in the distant memory.

He suddenly can’t find strength in his arms to draw the blade into his solar plexus.

“You know he would be disappointed, if you abandoned them now.”

“I ruined them,” Kakashi argues, trying to find the stone cold firmness that had come so easily, before he’d been reminded of those soft blue eyes.

It’s making him waver, he recognizes with a flash of indignation.

He banishes the clone to cut off Sarutobi, so he can focus, and stop stalling.

He’s got a lot to explain to the two teammates who are waiting for him, and he drives the blade down.

* * *

There’s a small explosion as Naruto barrels into the hospital room through the glass window.

Sasuke has enough time to recognize the bright yellow hair and the blur of pink that must mean Naruto is also hauling Sakura along under one arm before he’s swept up by the scruff of his collar, and then the world’s a blur.

Naruto moves like a natural disaster, bounding forward with monstrous strength, bearing both his teammates as though they weigh nothing. Sasuke thinks he meets Sakura’s amazed green-eyed gaze as they’re dragged through the dark night air but there’s no time to anything before they’re dropping down through a roof top with wood and tile splintering under the gale-wind force of Naruto’s heel, then they’re dropping down into a room, in front of their Sensei.

Who is lying in blood, face-down on the floor.

_He’s dead, then,_ Sasuke thinks with a vicious sense of dark satisfaction.

Only, he isn’t.

It’s only just barely, only the smallest suggestion of movement, but Sasuke can see the rise and fall of the jounin’s chest, can see the awful slow shudder of his shoulders and back, and he knows, painfully, suddenly, that Kakashi-sensei is definitely not dead.

It’s horror that grips him, then: an awful, howling sense of terror as the picture of his mother and his father are overlaid over Kakashi’s crumpled body. He’s back in that night, choking on his own fear, staring at the still warm bodies laying limp like dolls on the floors of his home.

It makes bile rise straight up his throat and Sasuke leans over to vomit.

Sakura reaches out and stops a fingertip’s length away. Sasuke looks up to see her petrified eyes.

“I… You’ll feel better, if I…”

She means to heal him, he thinks. But her hand stays clear of him, doesn’t touch him, and he’s glad. He’s so unspeakably glad that it steals most of the nausea away faster than any healing chakra ever could. He’s still a bit nauseous, though, so he shifts to sit up.

“Can you do it without t-t-touching,” Sasuke asks, and stops.

He stuttered.

_It’s just a word_, he thinks indignantly. He says it again, trying to master himself, and cusses when the stutter stays. Sakura keeps her distance and just her chakra reaches out to him.

“Sakura-chan.”

It’s Naruto’s voice that calls their attention. He’s turned their teacher onto his back, and Sasuke feels nausea fight the relief Sakura’s chakra has brought him.

Kakashi’s guts are literally spilling out of his body.

“Help him.”

Naruto is crying, Sasuke realizes abruptly. Through the haze of the dim chakra pouring off of the other boy’s body, though his eyes are red and slitted and the whisker marks on his face have grown grooved and deep, there’s tears pouring over the edge of Naruto’s eyes, covering his cheeks, dribbling down his chin.

“_Sakura-chan._”

“I don’t know how,” Sakura says, shaking her head slowly, inching back. “I only know basic medical ninjutsu. I can’t do it.”

Naruto drops down to his knees. The sound of him dropping into the blood on the floor makes something in Sasuke twist.

“You… Sakura-chan…”

He’s dropping down again, to his hands now, and Sasuke feels bile rise again in his throat, acid pooling at the back of his mouth at the sight of Naruto breaking down like this. It’s a lie, to say he can’t do something to help. Sakura would listen to him. It’s just, how can he? This is the man that stole from them, in a way no one else will ever be able to. He’s hurt them so throughly, so personally.

And yet the way Naruto starts to tremble, starts to press his face into the bloody floor in denial, hurts deeper.

“You can’t, or you won’t,” Sasuke hears himself say. He doesn’t look at anything except the blood on the ground.

Sakura doesn’t answer him at first. Naruto sobs, once, and drapes himself down across Kakashi-sensei’s bloody body, buries himself in the older man’s chest above where his guts are leaking out of him, and stays there.

Sasuke can’t think.

He sees his parents lying in a pool of their blood, and he sees himself thrown over their unmoving bodies, and he’s too late, too late to save them, too late to stop his homicidal murdering psychopath of an older brother.

And then there’s this rattling sigh.

“Naruto. I told you not to come.”

The thing holding Sasuke together _snaps_.

He takes Sakura’s sleeve, fists it and stamps over to the dying man Naruto is desperately sobbing over. Takes her, shoves her close enough to work but not close enough to have to touch.

Faces the wall as he snarls, “Fix him.”

Sakura shakes as she tries to hold her hands steady. She’s summoning her chakra when Sensei’s voice interrupts them.

“You don’t have to try and save me. I deserve this—“

Sasuke doesn’t remember moving, doesn’t remember snatching the front of the older man’s shirt to glare down into his half-shocked eyes. All he knows is a crushing torrent of rage.

“You don’t get to pick! You gave up the right. You didn’t give us a choice so now you don’t get to choose the easy way out.”

Sakura’s spine straightens and the green glow of her chakra envelops the wound over Kakashi’s stomach. There’s a surge as Naruto clambers up and watches with unblinking eyes, baleful red, ferociously intent.

“I hurt you,” Kakashi rasps, body paling. He’s lost a lot of blood.

“You t-t-touched us,” Sasuke spits, snarling at the stutter that’s fixed to the word, eyes flashing Sharingan red. “You took—you made us, like _this_. Now you want to run away? Without taking responsibility? You don’t get to be that much of a coward!”

Silver hair draws across the floor as he shakes his head, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“There will be others to help you… it’s no good, with me.”

“It can only be you. You broke us.”

The last thing he sees is Sasuke’s silhouette, all black with only the blazing red irises of his eyes pinning him into the floor.

“We were yours, and you ruined us. Now you’re _ours_.”

* * *

There’s an ANBU by his bedside come morning.

“The Hokage has placed you under temporary house arrest. He will be in later to speak with you.”

There’s a pause, and Kakashi can tell by the tenor that his kohai is concerned, but too polite to inquire. He’s grateful for his dry throat or he would lie to tell Yamato not to worry.

“Your team is recovering in the guest rooms of your house.”

Kakashi’s eyes snap open.

That can’t be right. They can’t be here, with him.

He struggles to sit up but there’s a searing pain in his gut.

Ah, yes.

“We’ve confiscated your weapons. You’ve been put on suicide watch.” The line of his mouth firms. “Kakashi-sempai…”

The ANBU pauses, uncertain of himself. It’s a moment of nothing, then, the gentle pressure of a hand comes to rest on his shoulder. The fingers curl against him, seeking the heat of him, searching, and Kakashi manages to turn his head in the other man’s direction. He doesn’t have the energy to disguise his surprise.

“Yamato?”

The hand squeezes, once.

“…the guard changes every six hours,” is all the ANBU mentions before releasing his shoulder and blending in with his surroundings so completely even the traces of his chakra fade into the walls. Kakashi feels good and well abandoned.

Perhaps that’s for the best, though. He needs the space. He has some serious thinking to do.

* * *

The morning is quiet. There’s a tremendous ache in his chest, and a dull throbbing from his abdomen where his body is trying to heal. He’s not sure which wound hurts worse; the one in his guts, or the one in his heart. Kakashi takes nearly an entire hour from the time he opens his eyes contemplating just ignoring Sasuke’s demands and taking his life another way. But he knows from the presence subtly tucked into the walls of the compound that ANBU surveillance won’t allow that. It’s frustrating but life has hardly been fair before, and clearly has no inclination of becoming any easier now.

Eventually he drags himself out of bed and makes for his kitchen.

He sets out four places to eat and goes about preparing breakfast. Something simple, though he thinks maybe no one will be very hungry, or in the mood to eat. He goes about it anyway, using the routine to give his body something to do as his mind tackles the problem of what he’s going to say.

The problem is, what can he say?

He’s done before he has an answer.

With no more excuses he steels himself and starts down the hallway to his guest bedrooms.

He announces his presence with footsteps heavy enough to hear and knocks on the door.

“There’s breakfast,” he says, loud enough to carry through.

Then he turns tail and walks away, heart pulsing thick and slow, and right up in his throat.

He isn’t sure what to expect. But Sasuke demanded he stay and try to fix them. He’s taken the first steps, cautiously trying to move forward.

The first one to join him in the kitchen is Naruto.

The blonde comes around the corner with sleep still clinging to his eyes and a huge yawn splitting his face. He looks very normal, which nearly upsets Kakashi. He’s grateful, in retrospect, that he hasn’t left any marks on them.

When that thought actually settles in, it disturbs him so thoroughly that Kakashi is completely off his appetite before Naruto even sits down at the table.

“Kakashi-sensei? What’re we doing in your house?”

“Let’s wait for the others, hmm?”

Naruto shrugs sleepily, clearly still coming around.

Sasuke comes in next. He cuts around the corner a little more sharply than necessary but other than that he seems normal. Of course, it’s all for show. Kakashi can read him and there’s no disguising the flash of hostility in those cold black eyes. He takes a seat beside Naruto and away from Kakashi. He had anticipated this and set the table accordingly, giving the three of them seats on the opposite side of the table on purpose.

By the time Sakura comes in the rice has gone cool. Kakashi suspects no one is actually going to eat besides Naruto so it’s not that important. He’s much more invested in the way her gaze never once meets his, how she walks nearly on tip-toe, ready to flee at a moment’s notice, and doesn’t sit directly down but props herself up on her knees.

They’re all here. His team.

It’s time.

Except, his throat seems glued shut.

Sakura won’t look at him. Naruto rubs the last remnants of sleep from his eyes and just seems mildly confused in general. But Sasuke looks directly at him, pinning him with an unblinking glare with eyes that flicker back and forth between black and Sharingan red.

Kakashi is a coward who tried to take his own life, and he’s a coward now before the students he allowed to get drugged, so he looks down at the table when he apologizes.

“I’m sorry. What happened to the three of you was my fault.”

Sakura seems to shrink. She hasn’t touched her food and she doesn’t say a word. Just shakes her head, slowly, and glances back and forth between the food and the doorway.

Sasuke’s glower seems to intensify. He’s clearly unappeased with Kakashi’s meager words. There’s a fire inside him, now, and Kakashi expects before long he’ll feel it burn him up.

Naruto cocks his head to one side and shrugs. Just accepts it, and reaches out for breakfast.

“Yeah, well, you’re our sensei. You’re responsible, aren’t you?”

Kakashi flinches as Naruto’s words go right to the center of him like a physical blow. He’s glad for the face mask, and that he’s looking down already. His cheeks are hot with shame.

“Yes, I am. It’s my fault things happened the way they did.”

“So now it’s your job to fix us,” Sasuke says, repeating himself from last night. “You better not be trying to give up already.”

“While I mean to participate in your recovery, I don’t believe it’s in our best interests for me to be directly involved. I’ve hurt you.”

Sasuke looks furious. He slams a hand on the table, upsetting his untouched breakfast.

“You don’t want to help? You’re going to give up before you’ve even started?”

Kakashi fumbles for some credible excuse. It’s not that he doesn’t want to help. It’s just, how can he, when he was the one who hurt them? He’s part of their trauma. Being in close contact with them, living in the same space as the three of them, is a recipe for disaster. But trying to explain this to Sasuke is utterly futile. The dark-haired boy is adamant that Kakashi be the one to help them recover.

He reaches out for something on the table and all three of his students react at once: Sakura bolts from the room, Sasuke freezes with wide eyes, and Naruto blinks and leans forward, as though he expects Kakashi to reach out to him.

Kakashi has to clench his teeth and deliberately picks up the soy sauce with a hand steady as he can make it.

There are so many issues between the four of them. It would be impossible to start in solving them on his own.

“This isn’t going to end well.”

Sasuke gets up jerkily, movements clearly caught between fleeing and staying to fight. He nails Kakashi with bright red eyes, fury hot on his flushed cheeks.

“You _owe_ us,” he snarls.

Kakashi has a sudden vision of Sasuke snarling in a different way, writhing underneath his ungloved hands, of smooth, pale flesh made searing hot beneath his touch, of the scorching heat when he pushed his way inside, so tight and pulsing with pleasure. He remembers the sounds Sasuke made when he came helplessly under Kakashi’s touch, and he’s suddenly, violently sick.

He turns from the table and yanks down his mask to empty his stomach.

It’s some time before he can stop the convulsions. The heaving subsides and Kakashi can recognize that he’s alone at the table, though Naruto’s chakra lingers in the kitchen. He wipes his face and pulls his mask back up, and looks up to the half-full glass of water the blonde offers him.

Something soft and gentle in the teenager’s gaze sets off alarm bells in Kakashi’s head, but his guts ache enormously and he’s trying to forget the vision that blindsided him, so he doesn’t move in time to stop Naruto from leaning in to kiss his forehead.

He’s present enough to shake his head and dislodge the younger man, but it’s far too late.

Naruto smiles sweetly at him, with bright blue eyes swimming with love and adoration, and pats his silver hair.

“It’s okay, Sensei. Things will be alright. You’ll see!”

Somehow, Kakashi thinks as he’s abandoned beside his puddle of vomit, he sincerely doubts it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for untreated PTSD, unwanted sexual advances, and general angst. Everything hurts for a while. Sorry.

Their next mission is handed off to Guy’s team. Kakashi can’t bring himself to show up to ask in person. The thought of facing any of his fellow shinobi so soon after his failed mission AND his failed suicide is too much for him to handle. Instead he sends a Ninken with a hastily scribbled excuse. Guy sends back a wordy reply that is basically a yes so suddenly Team Kakashi has nothing to do but spend their time trying to figure things out.

The teenagers make themselves comfortable in Kakashi’s home. Their clothes and belongings have shown up in the guest bedrooms as though the Lord Third intended them all to remain here.

He means to have a word with the Lord Third about that, because it’s such a _monumentally bad idea_, except on his way out he nearly runs into Sasuke.

The black-haired boy turns to a statue at the sight of him. His posture, while frozen, radiates anxiety. Kakashi can read the furious struggle happening in the lines of his tense muscles.

Sasuke doesn’t want to stay as much as he doesn’t want to move. He’s a maelstrom of mixed emotions. Anything could set him off.

Kakashi takes a slow, deliberate step back, slouching and making sure his empty hands are visible, to appear non-threatening as possible.

“Just heading out to see the Hokage,” Kakashi says. “I won’t be gone long.”

“Going,” Sasuke says back, eyes narrowing as his mouth pulls back in a scowl. “Going to give up?”

Kakashi remembers ‘_you owe us_’ and ‘_you’re ours now’_, and he finds he can’t meet his student’s eyes.

He’s a much bigger coward than he gave himself credit for.

“You can’t.”

“Alright.”

“Swear it,” Sasuke hisses, fists balled at his side, eyes flashing Sharingan red. “Swear you won’t try to run away again.”

“Alright.”

Sasuke doesn’t move and Kakashi feels his heart sink in his chest.

“Sasuke, I swear I won’t run. But you have to see reason. It can’t end well, us all being under one roof…”

“We’ll manage.”

Why is he letting a thirteen year old dictate his decisions? A sliver of annoyance shows on his face but before he can speak Sasuke continues in a harsh whisper.

“Don’t you _dare_ try to leave us behind again.”

Control, Kakashi realizes abruptly. It’s got nothing to do with what he means to do. It’s about listening to Sasuke’s demands. It’s about establishing control.

That was what Sasuke lost that day. Suddenly his demand makes much more sense.

“Sasuke.”

This time he can meet the younger man’s gaze. It's the simplest thing for him to cede command.

“I get it. I’ll stay.”

There’s a long pause before his student accepts this and moves on with a sharp nod, darting deeper into the house, leaving Kakashi standing with his hands hanging loose and empty by his pockets. His racing heart can finally beginning to calm down.

If only everything could be so simple, he thinks when he can move again.

Instead of heading into town he follows the sound of his other two students. He hears Naruto practicing water-walking long before he sees him. Sakura is with him but the instant she spots Kakashi walking toward them she’s gone. Naruto notices her sudden absence. He spots Kakashi coming over and makes a beeline for shore, shouting cheerfully and waving.

“Oi! Kakashi-sensei! I didn’t know there was a lake out behind your house! This is perfect! Hey, hey, I saw fish in here! Can we catch fish for dinner? I’m really good at it!”

“I bet you are.”

Naruto offers him a beaming grin and pulls off his dripping wet clothes.

Kakashi suddenly can’t move.

The blonde teenager is saying something about fishing often when he was younger but it’s white noise as he’s assaulted by the sight of Naruto’s soaked skin, water clinging to tanned flesh, the now familiar planes of his toned stomach and thighs.

The wind throws sand around them as he pulls Naruto closer, grips him by slim hips, and Kakashi can’t think, or he’ll lose his erection, and it’s all for naught—

“Kakashi-sensei?”

The sound wrenches him out of memory. He stares down to where Naruto is fast approaching with a concerned look, dripping from the lake. “Hey, you don’t look so good. Maybe we should have soup tonight for dinner? Fish can do funny things to an upset stomach.”

Blue eyes swim with worry, not a drug-induced haze of lust.

They’re not in Suna anymore. They’re at his house in Leaf.

He doesn’t need to touch Naruto again.

“Kakashi-sensei? Do you need me to get Sakura-chan? You look pretty bad.”

“I’m fine, Naruto,” Kakashi says, standing straighter and shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He needs to focus so he can help his team recover. He doesn’t have time to lose himself like this. “Just tired.”

“Then you need sleep!” Naruto insists, pointing behind Kakashi toward the house. “Remember that time in Grass Country? I got super sick and both you and Sakura-chan wouldn’t let me out of bed, so now it’s your turn!”

He means to say he doesn’t need sleep, but Naruto looks up with a pout, and the curve of his lips splits into a soft smile, loose and pink from kissing Kakashi, and he hears the echo of flesh slapping against flesh—

“Sensei?”

Naruto’s eyebrows are drawn together. He looks troubled, not dazed with arousal, and Kakashi feels a strange sense of vertigo.

He glances around. The walls of his house, still. Not Suna. Not in the desert.

He’s home.

“I think you’re right,” Kakashi relents in spite of himself, shoulders dropping slightly. “Bed might be best. Catch some fish for your teammates? I’ll try to be up before supper.”

Naruto brightens at the task and shoos his teacher off with a grin. “You go rest, and leave it to me! I’ll get tons of fish to eat, believe it!”

He nods and turns to go back inside.

The hallways of his house have never seemed longer. Kakashi drags himself inside and tries to shake off the images, tries to ignore the sounds. He’s fine, he tells himself sternly. He’s dealt with worse than this during the war. It’s just some after images. They’ll fade with time.

Nothing is wrong with him.

He’s halfway to his bedroom when he thinks to grab some water to drink, and he turns around just as Sakura comes around the corner after him.

The pink-haired girl disappears in a flicker of chakra. Privately surprised at her speed, Kakashi makes his steps deliberately heavy, so anyone in the house can tell he’s coming.

When he finally reaches his room he shrugs out of his ninja gear and drops into bed. The glass of water goes down slowly but he doesn’t remember eating anything else today so he’s got to have at least this. Maybe a soldier pill if he can stomach it. But there’s not much else he’s interested in eating.

He remembers Minato-sensei’s lectures about taking care of his body on the field. Before he can take care of his students he’s got to take care of himself. Later he should eat just to put fuel in. Perhaps a shower, or a soak in a hot bath. For now he tries to close his eyes and rest.

He sees the exposed flesh of Sakura’s inner thighs when he shuts his eyes to sleep.

He still remembers the way Sasuke shuddered, back arching when he came on Kakashi’s fingers.

He can’t get the taste of Naruto off of his tongue.

Kakashi opens his eyes in bed and stares straight up at the ceiling. How is he supposed to handle helping his team recover when he can’t stop seeing them?

He doesn’t move until hours later when Naruto calls him for supper.

+

Kakashi observes his students over the next two days. It’s like a self-imposed information gathering mission: he scouts out their damage.

Sakura doesn’t trust anything or anyone. She constantly double-checks herself, eyes darting back to ensure a door is locked or a drawer is closed. She won’t stand to be in the same room as him for more than a minute and though he expected as much he’s not sure why then she stays. He’s asked in words and in writing if she’d be more comfortable elsewhere. She doesn’t give direct answers unless directly spoken to, answering with action. It’s days before she verbally responds at all.

Sasuke can’t abide his touch but also won’t allow him to be out of sight. It’s like he’s desperate to keep Kakashi but has no idea how to approach him. He’s prone to angry outbursts, short explosions of passionate shouting that end with them nearly fighting. He doesn’t accept that Kakashi wants to hand them off to someone else for healing. He demands better of Kakashi, who has somehow become an important person. An Uchiha never lets go their precious people, even when they’ve hurt them deeply. Kakashi wonders if he’s become like Itachi and tries not to despair when Sasuke flays him to the bone with his harrowing red-eyed glare.

Naruto is hardest because Naruto is in love. He’s too late to stop the attraction from having sunk deep into the boy’s skin and now Minato’s eyes haunt him from under bright blonde hair, his clear laughter, his cheerful smile. Kakashi can’t make himself stomp out that fire because he knows Naruto, knows Sensei, and knows no one will be able to convince Naruto out of his attraction, though he tries. Deflection doesn’t work. Ignoring it is unwise. And flat out rejection is met with an ardent hope, this bottomless well of undeterred belief in maybe, in someday.

It works in reverse, strangely, that the closer Kakashi lets Naruto get, the quieter and more subdued Sasuke becomes.

One night, when he’s given up arguing and finally lets Naruto sit next to him, and allows Naruto to rest his head against his shoulder, Kakashi abandons subtlety and just asks Sasuke what he wants.

The dark-haired boy stands silent and still in the doorway with his accusing red eyes fixed on the two of them, on Kakashi’s back, on Naruto’s content curled position with his head nuzzling into Kakashi, and it’s this subtle shift in the way Sasuke’s lips become less tight, in the softening of his blood-red eyes, that Kakashi perceives the problem.

Sasuke likes Naruto.

But Naruto is fixed on Kakashi.

As long as there's this one-sided attraction, Sasuke can't make a move, and things will stay the same. It’s an untenable situation. Better they try a relationship with each other and have a chance to be truly happy. Kakashi can’t love Naruto back the way Naruto thinks he loves him. It wouldn’t be right, morally, even if he could conceivably admit to any sort of base line physical attraction to the younger man.

He’s wrong for Naruto. Better Sasuke, he thinks, and later he says so.

Naruto doesn’t understand. He likes Kakashi-sensei, not Sasuke. He’s very matter-of-fact about it, forward with his attraction. Kakashi tries to respond in kind, being up front about his flat-out refusal, hoping to make him see reason.

It all backfires rather spectacularly.

The first few fights are simple. Sasuke is in denial and Naruto wants what he had before: Kakashi holding him, touching him, having him. Sexually. Kakashi is firm in his refusal, not giving Naruto an inch, until one day when he says no there’s this howl of angry red energy, and there’s a furious red-eyed demon that pins him against the floor. It’s not Naruto, then: there’s a monster on top of him, angry and clawing and biting at him, desperate and hungry, seeking heat and friction and skin. Kakashi realizes he’s physically unable to fight back. Naruto is too powerful with the chakra from the beast inside and the weight of being responsible, of making Naruto this way, drains Kakashi of the necessary will to fight back with lethal force.

He’s a rag doll under the teenager’s body that turns his shirt into shreds with nails like knives.

There’s a moment as Naruto humps down against him that Kakashi understands he’s going to be violated, the same way he did to his student.

It should instill a reaction, panic or righteous indignation.

Instead all the fight goes out of him.

Naruto’s hands are on his hips, at the hem of his pants, when there’s a dull thud, a heavy sound, and then a weight collapsing over his chest. Kakashi’s eyes flutter open.

Sasuke is sheet-white but grimly standing over them. There’s something thick and metal in his hands which he’s used to club Naruto out of consciousness.

“_Don’t_,” he hisses venomously.

He doesn’t say anything more. His eyes are Sharingan red and one of them has a new tomoe.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi says needlessly, because he’s said it enough for it to be meaningless by now, but he says it anyway, mostly out of force of habit.

Sakura heals Naruto’s headache the next day and none of them mention it.

They’re coping very well indeed, Kakashi thinks sardonically.

+

“This isn’t working,” he says when the Lord Third arrives for tea.

The Lord Third sips thoughtfully.

“The money you set aside for them. Perhaps it’s time they used it.”

“They won’t go,” Kakashi says stiltedly. “Sasuke’s threatened… violence.”

Sarutobi raises an eyebrow. “He’s still just a child.”

“A child whose trust I broke. I can escort them to therapy but Sakura won’t speak. Sasuke won’t stay. And Naruto…”

He doesn’t continue because he doesn’t really know. The Hokage is probably right. They should go to therapy. But how to get them to comply? The Lord Third considers this.

“Take them on a mission.”

“To therapy?”

“On a mission,” the Hokage repeats with a mild shake of his head, a regular missions scroll in his hand. Kakashi shakes his head, not understanding.

“They’re not ready.” It hasn’t even been a week.

“They’re ready. Let them surprise you. Take the missions.”

He hands over no less than seven D-rank mission scrolls. Kakashi stares at them and stares at his tea.

+

In this, Sarutobi is mostly correct. They are ready for missions. At least, in village missions. Kakashi collects them for breakfast and he mentions it as they tidy up in the kitchen. Sasuke looks suspicious but both Naruto and Sakura jump at the chance to get out of the house.

They put on their ninja clothes, pack up their (limited) ninja weapons, and take the D-rank missions. They help an old lady collect groceries. They take several dogs on walks. They catch a missing house cat, clean up a park, sort out the library a bit, and then the day is over, and they’re asleep within minutes.

The next morning after Kakashi wakes them up, Sakura asks, very softly and from a distance, when their next mission is.

+

They spend nearly the entire week this way, and the monotony brings some of their personalities back.

Sakura isn’t as expressive, is still secretive, but she starts looking, starts talking, or at least responding in single-word sentences. She tends to keep her eyes on Sasuke when Kakashi catches her looking at anyone, but now she won’t turn Naruto away if he comes to her with a question or concern. She nods to him and answers his questions in whispers, or makes motions with her hands. Naruto works out some hand signs in return and they have their own unspoken language growing between them.

Sasuke accepts more of Naruto’s offers to work on their weapons practice. They have a disastrous taijutsu sparring match that Kakashi has to end before it can become fatal but Sasuke just approaches Naruto the next day demanding a rematch with throwing knives. They go off together to test their aim and accuracy and come back wearing nearly matching exhausted smirks.

Maybe that’s why Kakashi has his guard down at the end of the week. Things have been good. They seem almost normal. Sakura still follows everything with eyes that don’t seem to blink but she’ll answer people now, in low murmured tones just above a whisper. Sasuke still moves like a hunted animal, cagey and ready to flee, but he practices water-walking with Sakura and gets in small verbal squalls with Naruto over who’s better with shuriken. Naruto is so busy with both of his teammates that he doesn’t make a move in Kakashi’s direction for days.

Whatever the reason, he doesn’t see Naruto approaching with half-lidded eyes, doesn’t stop him as he comes and comes in far too close, until it’s too late, and Kakashi is being kissed through the mask.

He’s still physically larger and stronger than Naruto in general. He pries them apart with ease.

“Naruto. I asked you not to do that.”

The blonde licks his lips.

“Yeah. Sasuke told you ‘no’, too. I heard.”

Kakashi’s blood freezes like ice under his skin.

The image of Sasuke spread out across his thighs comes back with a vengeance. He can’t see Naruto for a second, reality eclipsed by the crystal-clear memory of his paler teammate. Between Naruto’s sudden advances and the visual assault Kakashi is too disoriented to defend himself.

“Not a very good listener, are ya? Kakashi-sensei.”

He shakes his head. Naruto’s not wrong but he can't keep doing whatever he wants.

“I don’t like you like that, Naruto.”

“I don’t believe you,” Naruto says far too cheerfully, and Kakashi feels discomfort unfurl in his stomach. “You couldn’t keep your hands off me, that day. You let me kiss you then. Why do things have to be different now?”

Kakashi shakes his head again, slowly, tries to enunciate and make his student see reason.

“I told you that was something I did to save your life. I wouldn’t have done it if there had been another way.”

“Awfully convenient, only for you.”

“I never wanted to touch you like that, Naruto. It should have been someone else, someone who loves you the way you love them.”

Blonde hair covers blue eyes for a moment. It's just an instant, but between one breath and the next something changes and Kakashi realizes he’s wasting time. He’s got to get the drug out, no matter if Naruto is embarrassed. He has to help his student. When Naruto moves to leave Kakashi has to stop him, so of course he reaches out to the younger man.

He realizes, as his fingers close around the hem of Naruto’s T-shirt, what he’s doing.

The hope that pours off Naruto’s face makes his gut clench.

“Sensei,” Naruto murmurs.

He takes advantage of Kakashi’s hesitation to lean in against his lips.

Someone’s fingers have pulled down his mask. Must be him, he thinks as he kisses his student, eyes closed because he doesn’t want to look at Sensei’s son when he does this. He has to help him, and he has to touch him, something he’s never wanted to do, but has to make himself do. For Naruto’s sake. He’s got to come at least one more time to be safe.

He’s not kissing Naruto because he wants to. It’s something Naruto started, and if it makes it quicker for him to come, Kakashi won’t push him away. He’ll use it to make things faster.

He’s got to do this.

He reaches up to hold Naruto’s cheek. The blonde seems more receptive to the motion than Kakashi expected, pressing into the flesh of his palm with his cheek, and he’s jolted out of memory by the look of him.

Naruto’s pupils are blown. Kakashi feels his throat constrict.

“You kissed me,” he pants, and fists Kakashi’s shirt. His voice is twisted and cracked with newfound hope, a desperate, needy sound as he pushes up against his teacher. His nails, pointed like needles, tear through the lower portion of his face mask that’s been dragged down past his chin.

Blue eyes are going dark with desire and Kakashi feels his stomach drop out as Naruto slides into his lap.

“You kissed back. You _do_ like me.”

_No_, Kakashi thinks, furious at himself for his own traitorous weakness, struggling to climb out of the dark, awful memories he’s tried to keep buried deep at the very bottom of himself. Naruto is pushing aside Kakashi’s silver bangs, is moving forward with hot palms and searching fingertips.

He has to reach up and stop him with both hands.

“No, Naruto. I don’t like you like that.”

“You’re such a liar,” Naruto accuses.

“Naruto,” Kakashi tries, “I don’t—“

“I _liked_ it,” Naruto interrupts, cheeks rosy and eyes half hazy with arousal, and Kakashi feels his throat close up at the look of those blue eyes up close because he’s back in the desert, and he’s got to touch Naruto to save his life—except it’s wrong, somehow, with Naruto climbing all over him, pushing him onto his back on the floor. He feels his mind reel between the two pictures as reality vacillates before his eyes.

Over everything is the sound of Naruto speaking softly, coaxingly, trying to convince him to continue.

“Sensei. It’s okay. I like it when you touch me. It feels good. I… it’s good, with you. So don’t worry about it.”

Then he’s dragging them together, and he kisses Kakashi’s startled lips.

_No_, his brain thinks with a sudden stab of clarity.

_This is wrong._

Kakashi has to use all the force he can muster to wrench them apart again. He can’t keep Naruto off for long as red chakra unfurls, doubling, tripling his physical strength, allowing him to bat away Kakashi’s attempts to separate them with amused ease.

When Naruto reaches for his pants, Kakashi uses the smallest jolt of lightning, funneled through his palm, to try and force some distance. But Naruto just takes it, looks him dead in the eyes as the electricity only sends shivers down his spine.

Kakashi can nearly smell the heady scent of arousal it induces.

Naruto laughs, once, softly, and pins Kakashi down, and then he isn’t gentle at all.

They’re half way out of their clothes when Sakura and Sasuke come in from water-walking practice.

They freeze in the door way at the sight. Kakashi’s left forearm is bent in an unnatural angle and there are deep claw marks down the right side of his neck. His upper body is bare, shirt and face mask shredded beyond recognition on the floor. There’s no fight in him now, just submission, acceptance. He’s panting, bleeding, lying still and docile under Naruto’s chakra-flooded body as the blonde teenager growls in satisfaction, licking a bloody red stripe up the side of Kakashi’s cheek.

There’s no trace of humanity as Naruto leans over Kakashi-sensei, leering down at their teacher like he’s freshly mauled prey, something he’s hunted down and means to devour. He looks positively feral.

Sakura drops her weapons pouch and _screams_.

The sound stalls Naruto, who looks up in shock, in time to take Sasuke’s flying kick directly to the face instead of to the side of his head. He flies off their jounin sensei’s body with the force of the blow and goes straight through a paper door. There’s a thud from outside where he’s landed, and silence. Sakura’s scream stopped the instant Naruto went flying. She’s rooted to the floor now, eyes glued to the blood Kakashi’s lying in. Sasuke dashes up, uses the heel of his boot to move him into a more neutral position, and turns to Sakura.

He holds out a hand, grim but determined. Her lip trembles but she goes to him.

+

They tend his wounds over the course of an hour. There’s no sound from outside where Naruto landed but his chakra has quietly vanished. Sakura heals the marks on his face, in his neck, over his chest while Sasuke makes a Bunshin to fetch him a new set of clothes.

When Kakashi can sit up Sakura steps back. Her seafoam green eyes never leave him as she backs away and eventually settles herself against a far wall. She doesn’t quite leave them, unwilling to abandon Sasuke to be alone with their teacher, but she gets as much space as she can, and sinks down into a silent defensive position. Sasuke spares her a glance. They share a series of hand gestures before Kakashi is given any direct attention.

“This isn’t working.”

“This isn’t working,” Kakashi agrees.

“You need to tell him no.”

“I do.”

“Do better.”

“I’m trying.”

“Try _harder_,” Sasuke sneers. “Aren’t you twice our age?”

Kakashi is painfully aware of how much older he is, thank you very much. A flicker of resentment shows across his narrowed eyes. “Shouldn’t you respect your elders a little more?”

Sasuke’s eyes go very dark, indeed.

Kakashi reconsiders his personal ability to tell Sasuke what to do and raises his hands in quiet surrender.

It’s a moment before Sasuke is appeased but eventually he nods, and he looks away.

“…you need help, too.”

“I am aware,” Kakashi says dryly. “There’s not many people I can consult with.”

“The money you put up, for us to go to therapy. You should use it, too. It’s your money in the first place.”

Kakashi’s eyebrows hike up nearly into his hair line.

“You think I need therapy?”

Sasuke looks at him like he’s crazy.

“He was t-t-touching you, against your will, hurting you, and you didn’t fight back at all.”

Kakashi looks down to hide the shudder but Sasuke is looking at him so intently he can’t miss it.

“Maybe I think I deserved it.”

“But that’s not what Naruto needs,” Sasuke argues hotly, “He needs to recover, to move on and forget you, and you’re not helping him. You have to say no and _mean it_. If you can’t do even that…”

He stops and turns his face away. He’s speechless, Kakashi realizes, furious and wordless with rage. It’s a default state for him these days, when things hurt so much that anger and pain are the only ways he can manage to do anything.

It hurts him physically to see his student this way. He wants to reach out but he can’t possibly offer comfort through contact. Not after what he’s done.

But he still wants to help.

That’s why he’s still alive. He needs to help his students recover, to fix what he broke.

It’s that desire to make things right, to finally take responsibility for the way he’s made his students fall apart, that prompts him to speak.

“Alright.”

Sasuke looks at him sharply. Kakashi nods slowly and repeats himself.

“Alright. I’ll go to therapy, too.”

From her corner, very softly, Sakura murmurs something that might be ‘good’.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy isn't a magical spell to make everything better. It does help. But you have to let it help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to split this one up but it didn't read quite right, so it's a bit longer.

The therapist is very nearly apoplectic when she discovers they’ve all been staying under the same roof.

“_Who approved this_?”

“The Lord Third Hokage,” Kakashi intones meaningfully.

The woman splutters and sniffs, straightening herself.

“I’m not disparaging the man, or his position of course,” she says when she’s finished listing him a rather impressively long string of cutting insults. “Just this _particular_ decision.”

“They won’t have it any other way.”

“They’re children. They don’t get to choose!”

“They were already stripped of their ability to choose, once,” Kakashi reminds her, ignoring the roundabout way that it also painfully reminds himself.

There’s some more arguing over it but eventually the matter is dropped. Sasuke won’t stand for them to all be flung off in different directions with adults they don’t know or trust. It’s only him, the man they used to know and trust with their lives, that they’ll allow to attempt this mending, and so the therapist grits her teeth and makes due.

+

They meet twice a week. They have tea and talk about the weather. Kakashi knows he’s supposed to give in, to let her in so she can help him heal, but it’s second nature to dance around topics that come close to making him uncomfortable, to turn her questions about how he feels into questions about how she thinks he should feel, and they talk in circles.

“I know, you know,” she says mildly one afternoon as Kakashi sips his tea. “You’re being purposefully obtuse. I don’t do this for money. No body in this field does it for the money, and you’re wasting yours, coming here playing these word games with me.”

“It’s not a waste to see a lovely face,” Kakashi drawls on reflex, deflecting via flirting as naturally as he breathes air. The therapist’s lips purse and she puts her tea down.

“I’ll be direct. You did something terrible. You forcefully touched those minors, minors you cared about, minors that mean something to you, and then you tried to kill yourself. You’re a coward.”

Kakashi’s eyebrows go way up. No one’s dared say that to his face and yet lived to brag about it. This woman might.

“You’re being a coward right now, in front of me. You’re here for help but you’re only going through the motions. You come, we talk, but not about anything that matters.”

“We talked about Naruto last time,” Kakashi argues. “That matters to me a great deal.”

“But not to any degree that might make you admit your own feelings.”

Nothing cuts quite as deeply as the truth.

“…It’s difficult,” he says eventually.

“That’s okay. It’s different for everybody. Some people can talk about how they feel. Other people tend to dance around the questions they don’t want to answer and try to lead the conversation in an entirely different direction. It’s not my job to judge you. It’s my job to help you, but I can’t do my job if you don’t let me.”

She leans over and puts down her clipboard, which Kakashi notices is frightfully full today. She has spent every second speaking also writing with astonishing speed.

“I want to help you. But you have to want to get better."

"I do want to get better," he murmurs. 

"You don’t think you deserve this,” she says with absolute conviction.

Kakashi doesn’t deny it.

There’s a long stretch of silence. The therapist kindly looks elsewhere while Kakashi struggles to find something to break the silence that isn’t an awful one-liner.

“I’ve never wanted to touch them,” he says finally. “They’re my students. They’re precious.”

“They adore you,” she guesses. “They look up to you, want your attention and approval. It’s a small step away from desire.”

Kakashi shakes his head. “I’ve never once felt attraction to any of them.”

The therapist waits.

He doesn’t needlessly repeat himself.

“Tell me about your parents.”

They’ve been over this so Kakashi is understandably annoyed as he retells the tale about the early death of his mother, then the suicide of his father. She asks about his team next, the one that he was on before he became a teacher of his own. He reminisces briefly about Rin, and Obito. The therapist just nods along. She’s heard this all before, after all.

“The Lord Fourth Hokage was your jounin instructor?”

“Yes,” he says tiredly, “he was.”

“He takes after him, doesn’t he? Naruto-kun.”

Kakashi finds he is nodding his head before he can stop himself. Then he stares at the therapist with wide eyes.

She looks vaguely insulted.

“It’s supposed to be a secret? With the hair, and their eyes? He’s practically a little clone of the Lord Fourth, visually. Does no one else really suspect?”

Kakashi tells her about the gag order, how it’s for Naruto’s own safety.

“And how is that working out for him?”

“It got him raped.”

The words tumble out of Kakashi before he can stop them. He’s doing a lot of that, lately, apparently, and he nearly bites his tongue off with how hard he snaps his jaw shut.

The guilt he’d managed to bury under the convenient blanket need to help the others recover comes back full-force. He aches with it. Kakashi remembers _‘please, I’ll do anything, just stop’_ and ‘_get your hands off of me_’, and ‘_can we do this again sometime?_’

The voices of the people he’s failed echo around him in eerie stereo.

He distantly hears the therapist ask him questions and manages to answer with nodding or shaking his head, but no more words make it out past his throat. It seems glued shut.

They don’t make much progress after that, and the therapist sends him home for the weekend.

+

It’s late when he gets back. He might have stopped by the Rusty Kunai on the way home, might have had a few cups of sake to help him forget the last conversation he’d had. He stumbles soundlessly over three sets of sandals and frowns at them down his nose. Okay, maybe a few bottles, but who’s going to tell him off, really?

He’s passing by the guest room when Naruto’s voice stops him.

“I just love him! Why are you so worked up about it?”

Curious despite himself, he freezes in place and presses his chakra down to next to nothing, and listens. Naruto and Sasuke’s voices cut back and forth just above a whisper from the other side of the paper door.

“He’s way too old. He’s old enough to be your dad.”

“Yeah, well, my dad’s dead, or so they say! So there’s no one to tell me not to.”

“I’m telling you not to! He doesn’t like it!”

“Does, too! He’s kissed me back before!”

“He hasn’t. You’re imagining what you want to, making excuses. You’re doing _exactly_ what he did to us!”

There’s a scuffle. The sound of feet and hands and fabric being grabbed. A pillow sails through the air with a soft whoosh.

“Hush! You’ll wake Sakura.”

“He _does_ kiss me back.”

“Naruto,” Sasuke’s voice asks unsteadily. “Do you want to be like him?”

“No! Of course not! It’s not like what he did to you and to Sakura-chan! You said no but I said yes!”

“No, you didn’t! It wasn’t you saying yes. It was the drugs. Naruto. You _know_ it was.”

“Fine. That was then, but now, I don’t have the drugs, and I can say yes, so it’s fine!”

“It doesn’t work like that!”

“Why the hell do you care, anyhow? I’m not gonna touch you or Sakura-chan, so just chill out about it.”

There’s an awful silence after that. Kakashi feels much more sober than he had a few moments ago.

“So,” Sasuke asks, and now he sounds truly upset, “It doesn’t matter if he says no? You’re gonna t-t-touch him anyway, whether he wants it or not?”

“But I _know_ he likes it,” Naruto deflects disinterestedly, completely unconcerned with the validity of Sasuke’s argument. “So yeah. We both like it, so what’s really the problem?”

“Naruto. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want you to t-to-touch him. I’ve _heard_ him tell you no.”

“He just needs to figure some stuff out. He _does_ like me. He kissed me back!”

Kakashi doesn’t like where this is going. He’s strongly considering intervening but he wobbles while standing, a sudden and obvious reminder of his inebriated state. He’s in no condition to butt in.

He has absolutely no idea what he’d say even if he did.

“I liked it. Sasuke,” and Kakashi has to strain to hear as Naruto’s voice drops into a murmur, “it felt _so good_. I can only remember bits and pieces. It’s kind of a blur, actually. I don’t really remember everything but I remember the way he made me feel. When he touched me… I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.”

There’s a sound that’s probably Sasuke taking a solid step back in dread. Naruto goes on regardless.

“He made sure I felt comfortable, made sure I felt good. He was so careful. I remember he watched me. And then, after, he let me kiss his hands. He wouldn’t let me do that if he didn’t love me, right?”

Right, Kakashi thinks with powerful, painful regret. Of course. It all comes back to him.

“People that love you don’t force you,” Sasuke says, whisper-soft.

“He didn’t force me—“

“You said no,” Sasuke cuts in, more sharply. “I remember. You said ‘get your hands off me’ loud and clear, and he _didn’t_. You told him you needed to pee, that it was private, and he kept t-t-to, t-t-t, shit,” there’s a furious second as Sasuke collects himself and finishes the thought, “ch, he kept putting his hands on you, then.”

“Well—well, obviously, because…”

“Because of the drugs,” Sasuke finishes. “Naruto. That’s all it was ever about. You have to know he would never have done that otherwise.”

“Then why won’t _you_ go near him?”

Naruto sounds petulant. He’s bitter about having the holes in his logic so clearly defined and so he’s lashing out. Sasuke says nothing for a moment. Kakashi wonders if the conversation is over, tries to triangulate the safest path back to his own room to roll over and dream of death when the Uchiha replies.

“I’m afraid of him.”

“Of Kakashi-sensei?”

There’s no reply, but that’s enough of a reply. Naruto, oblivious, or unusually cruel, presses him.

“What are you afraid of?”

Kakashi puts his foot down.

Literally, and the sound is enough to suspend all movement and conversation from the opposite room. He painfully exhales and takes another step, purposefully groaning and holding his head in one hand. He stumbles a bit until he’s rather far enough away and ducks into his room.

The boys will have heard enough to assume he’s drunkenly stumbled home, which is accurate enough for Kakashi, who curls like a cockroach under his covers. He wraps the blankets over himself with a real noise of misery as fate, or karma, or simply physiology hands him a sliver of his hangover headache several hours earlier than he’d expected.

Falling asleep as his head begins to shut down from all the alcohol is the perfect way to subject himself to a few agonizing hours of self-torment. Kakashi actively denies himself water to prolong his suffering.

+

He wakes up to someone throwing off the covers and dragging him upright. There’s a tea cup in his hands filled half way with water. Yamato sits at the edge of his futon with his arms crossed across his chest.

“Drink.”

It’s not a request.

Kakashi drinks.

Seconds later he turns to one side and drops over and empties his churning stomach.

There’s a cool wash cloth in his face and Kakashi is surprised by the size of the hand guiding it. He glances up, trying to focus but his vision’s swimming slightly. He didn’t think he’d drank quite so much.

He tries to move but the room spins a bit. There’s hands, warm and large, and Kakashi lets his younger kohai help him back into bed. There’s this impression of bubble-gum pink as Yamato scolds him for overdoing things. The wash cloth comes across his forehead gently and Kakashi sees a flicker of seafoam green.

“Sakura,” he guesses, and the cool compress freezes in place. “You don’t have to do this. I did this to myself.”

There’s a murmur he can’t make out. He takes a guess.

“You’re not doing this for me. You’re doing it for Sasuke?”

Bubblegum pink dips, once. The compress slides over his forehead, crisp relief for his throbbing head. He reaches up, but slowly, so she’ll see him coming, has plenty of time to move away before he puts his hand over the compress. He flips it so the cooler side is against his forehead. When he opens his eyes again Sakura has left the room.

He’s impressed. She must have stood quite close to the bed, to press the towel to his face. That’s the closest she’s been to him all week. Perhaps he needs to get mauled more often.

The absurdity of _that_ thought makes him blanch a bit.

Maybe he should put more effort into therapy.

“The Lord Third gave me a few details.” Kakashi feels his body attempt to tense but then his brain throbs and it all rolls into a general ache. He grits his teeth but manages to nod in the general direction of Yamato’s voice. “Suna got you good.”

“They did,” he admits.

“Venthrex?”

“Aa.”

“You, or your team?”

It’s harder to answer than he anticipated. He has to swallow several times before accepting the tea cup full of water. He doesn’t down it this time, just takes a tiny sip, just enough to wet his throat enough to get the answer out.

“My team. They were… They got more than the legal limit. Overdosed.”

“Son of a bitch,” Yamato snarls.

Kakashi nearly snorts the water.

“I’ve never heard you curse,” he reveals when he finishes coughing.

“You saved their lives. I thought it couldn’t be flushed.”

_It can’t be,_ sits trapped on the tip of his tongue. _I had to extract it._

_I had to touch them._

_I touched them._

Kakashi doesn’t say it, though, and doesn’t have to, because Yamato is watching him patiently, and suddenly Kakashi perfectly understands the scope of his knowledge. Yamato doesn’t just have a handful of details. He knows exactly what happened and he’s waiting to see if Kakashi can say it or not.

He finds his lips are incredibly dry.

There’s a moment, as Kakashi figures out the words, the right order and the phrasing, when Yamato blinks and looks away, that Kakashi realizes he’s missed his chance.

“I’ve overstayed.”

“Yamato.”

The other jounin looks his way, just for a moment. There’s a muscle clenched at the corner of his mouth, controlling most of his facial expression, but Kakashi can read disappointment before emotion vanishes entirely off of the other man’s face.

“I’ll see you later, Kakashi-sempai,” he says before he melts into the wall, chakra sinking into the wood until his presence disappears completely, leaving Kakashi alone to reflect on just how personal this particular failure feels.

+

Kakashi tells the therapist later that week and vents a bit of frustration. He’s let enough people down.

“Who do you mean?”

The silver-haired man feels one of his eyebrows twitch in frustration. It’s obvious to him that she just wants him to say it out loud. He doesn’t give her what she wants, doesn’t say he let his team down, or that he fell short of his Sensei’s expectations. Instead he goes with the thing he’s been complaining about for the past half hour.

“I let Yamato down, by not saying it clearly.”

“Saying what?”

Kakashi opens his mouth and says nothing for quite some time.

Eventually he closes his mouth. The therapist looks at him but it isn’t judgmental. It’s a moment of eye contact, to let him know she’s still listening, before her eyes drop down to her clipboard.

She hasn’t written a single thing yet today. Kakashi feels oddly as though that’s a bad thing.

“How is your team?”

It’s no subtle misdirection but Kakashi takes the easy out and speaks about the changes in Sakura and Sasuke, how they’re doing _much_ better. Sakura still lingers in door ways but she doesn’t avoid conversation. Sasuke keeps asking him when they’re going to take missions outside the village again. He honestly doesn’t think they’ll need therapy. It’ll just strain their already rocky relationship with him if he forces them to do something else against their will. It’s probably for the best that they just finish working things out on their own.

The therapist nods along with him as he speaks but still doesn’t pick up her pen.

“And how is Naruto?”

“He’s fine.”

“How is he fine?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

The therapist looks up over her clipboard. “You say Naruto-kun is fine. What do you mean, he’s fine?”

“He’s the least affected by the experience. He’s convinced himself in hindsight that it was something he wanted, something he enjoyed.”

She leans in minutely, eyes narrowing slightly. She says nothing but studies Kakashi intensely, and he instinctively relaxes under the scrutiny. It’s the wrong move, of course, and she breathes in deeply, closing her eyes.

“He’s the worst affected.”

“I don’t understand,” Kakashi mutters, “how you can think that.”

She looks at him flat out. “He thinks he enjoyed it. He doesn’t think you raped him. He thinks you made love to him and from the sound of things you haven’t discouraged him of this notion.”

Kakashi shakes his head quickly. “I have. I’ve told him I don’t see him that way—“

The therapist goes a bit white.

“You’ve told him. Is he—does he—has he approached you for sex?”

Kakashi feels the muscle clench in his cheek, bites down on his tongue before he can say anything, and there’s silence for a few moments. Then, softly, gently, she asks again.

“Hatake-san. You remember what I said at the beginning? That you never have to answer anything, but if you want things to improve, you have to be honest with me, and with yourself? This is an important moment, a serious step in making progress. I need to know the honest truth if anything is ever going to get better. If you want that, for your team and for yourself, I have to know: Is Naruto approaching you for sex?”

Kakashi wonders if what Naruto’s been doing can be classified as ‘approaching’. It’s been rather more demanding, recently, but he finds his throat absolutely won’t produce the words to distinguish this difference to the woman, so instead, he nods.

“More than once?”

Another nod.

“Have you accepted any of his advances?”

He moves to shake his head and then freezes, the memory of bright blonde hair and laughing blue eyes and lips against his stopping him cold.

If he ever wants to move forward he’s got to be honest, to build a solid foundation, as the therapist had suggested. Lies are like oil, she’d told him, and if there’s any slick to the base of their progress, it’s such a simple thing for something to slip, and he could come tumbling all the way back down.

He needs to tell the truth.

“I let him kiss me, once.”

For several long minutes there’s only the sound of pen drawing across paper as the therapist writes. She doesn’t press, doesn’t insist, just glances up occasionally as her pen moves across her clipboard. She doesn’t ask ‘how did that make you feel’ or ‘did you think that was a good idea’ and he’s thankful because he can’t talk about how it made him feel and he knows just how much of a bad idea it was even though technically it wasn’t his idea.

She says nothing, and writes, and waits.

The silence stretches out. 

Finally she puts down the pen and hands over two photos. One is of Naruto and it’s quite recent. The other is dated and shows another man with bright blonde hair and deep blue eyes.

“He’s the spitting image of his father,” she says softly.

Kakashi vanishes in a Shunshin.

The therapist doesn’t curse at his sudden absence. She packs up her things and goes about her day. She sees three more patients over the next few hours, takes a late dinner at the BBQ restaurant, and goes home. She locks her door and puts her briefcase on the table in her home, puts her shoes by the door.

She’s taking her hair out of the bun she wears during business hours when there’s a gentle swirl of leaves from her living room.

She doesn’t say anything but prepares two cups of tea instead of one. Kakashi takes it wordlessly and takes off his face mask.

When the tea is half finished she sets it down.

“You’re upset.”

Her patient says nothing but she can see the anger in the lines of his shoulders, usually slack, now bunched up and tense. His background as a ninja can betray him at times. His tells are when he doesn’t show emotion on his face. His body reads easier, reacts when his face turns to solid stone, and she meets his eyes over their tea.

“First things first: You _don’t_ have my permission to come into my house at night.”

“I’m sorry,” he says automatically. She waves a hand.

“You’re here. It was important enough that it couldn’t wait a few days.”

The silver-haired man nods slowly.

“It shouldn’t wait,” he clarifies. “I shouldn’t make them wait any longer.”

He’s got a responsibility to his team, to start getting better, to help them get better. It has to start with him.

“Okay. Speak, then, whenever you’re ready. I’m listening.”

There’s only the sound of tea and patient sipping.

Kakashi sees him, when he closes his eyes to gather his thoughts. The explosion of sunshine-yellow spikes, the broad cut of his shoulders, strong enough to protect the whole village with one hand and save Kakashi’s life with the other. Deep, trusting blue eyes that turned the color of the sea and seemed to sparkle when he laughed. A quiet poise and effortless sense of grace, movement firm and certain, cut with an awkward sense of humor and softened by a great capacity to care deeply, passionately, about everyone under his care.

The Lord Fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, and somehow also his teacher, his ally and protector, and his friend. Namikaze Minato.

Wasn’t everyone in love with someone they could never have, once?

But that’s not what comes out of his mouth.

“He was there, when dad died.”

She only nods and lets him speak.

“He became mine, after. My person. My adult. He was important to me. Precious.” There’s a twitch to his lips, wrenching his placid expression into a terrible parody of a smile. “And then he died, too.”

“You loved him,” the therapist points out, as if it isn’t painfully obvious, “and now, his son thinks he’s in love with you.”

“I loved him.” It’s easy to agree to the truth. “Now he’s gone.”

“It must be difficult,” the therapist says gently, “to see the likeness of him so thoroughly enamored with you.”

“I have told him as simply as possible that I don’t return his feelings.”

“How successful have you been at turning down his advances?”

Kakashi remembers pushing Naruto away with both arms, only to be laughed at and held down. He remembers giving up and slumping back against the ground under a snarling bundle of furious red chakra and the stink of animal arousal.

How successful has he been?

How many times has he rejected Naruto’s advances properly?

The therapist is saying something but Kakashi shuts down. He thought he was ready to talk about this but he’s not. He can’t. He hears the prompts and inquiries, but he can’t force out a single word. His tongue is like lead.

He doesn’t respond to the rest of her questions and eventually she sighs and puts down her clipboard.

“Look. You came to me. That’s good. You can always come to me, if you’re ready to talk. I’ll always listen. I’m glad, and we’ve made some progress. But we’ve done as much as we can for now. You need some rest. Why don’t you come and see me tomorrow? I’ll make time for you, between lunch and my three o’clock. You can come any time. We’ll try again then. Alright?”

Kakashi nods mutely and excuses himself in a swirl of leaves.

+

Naruto is awake when he walks up to the house. He’s leaning against the door frame with half-lidded eyes and he’s stolen one of Kakashi’s shirts. He’s wearing that and little else. Kakashi can make out the very edge of his boxers, visible just under the hem of his shirt, as Naruto approaches.

“You’re late.”

“Aa. Sorry to make you wait.” He looks at Naruto, considering him carefully, before he speaks again. “I’m home.”

Naruto’s eyes widen and a smile cracks across his face.

“Welcome home! Sensei.”

He comes forward with open arms and tries to wrap Kakashi up in a hug.

Kakashi remembers the conversation with the therapist, and thinks _something_ has to come from it. He hasn’t been successful in helping Naruto because he keeps letting the boy get close. He thinks of Sasuke’s narrow-eyed glare and his irritated tone saying ‘_you need to say no_’.

If anything is going to change, if any of them are going to get better, it has to start with him.

Kakashi reaches out with a hand and stops Naruto firmly.

Naruto’s smile vanishes under confusion that quickly becomes irritation.

“It’s late,” Kakashi says before Naruto can demand something of him. “Bed.”

The blonde’s face lights up.

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

“Naruto. You know you can’t.”

“I just want to be next to you!” He’s the perfect picture of a petulant child, stubborn in his insistence. “It’s good. It’s better, with you.”

Kakashi herds him forward with an air of bored impatience, like he’s always lived with Naruto, has always had to chase him off to bed. “Maa, maa. Come along. We don’t get all the things we want. Some of the things we think we want aren’t what we need.”

“You’re speaking in circles,” Naruto says suspiciously as he steps towards the room where the rest of his team is dozing.

“Bed,” Kakashi repeats firmly. Then, as though it’s difficult, he adds, “…we can talk, later. If you want.”

Naruto bounces on both feet, easily appeased. “Okay! Tomorrow!”

“Shh. You’ll wake Sasuke.”

The blonde snickers but goes obediently under the covers.

Kakashi finds sleep comes easier that night. When he closes his eyes, though, he dreams of hot flesh, the fresh memory of Naruto’s thighs, of panting and soft eager noises, of touches that feel too good to be bad. Then he sees Sakura’s staring at him with shock and disbelief, sees Sasuke backing away with his wild red eyes, and he hears Naruto’s voice whispering ’Sensei’ sinfully low and thick with desire.

There’s a shameful stain on the sheets when he wakes.

He burns them, outside and far from the house, before the sun is over the tree line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I love to say, things get better before they get worse. Cheers for reading this far.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get better before they get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is **Something Triggering** at the end of this chapter. Please proceed with caution, if that kind of thing bugs you.

They’re weeding a civilian’s garden on their hands and knees when a familiar voice rings out in the air.

“Hey, billboard brow!”

Sakura’s hand clenches down over the trowel she’s holding, snapping it clean in two. Even Naruto looks up in surprise. Sasuke watches with sharp eyes as the blonde girl approaches rapidly. Kakashi watches, too, with a mild eye, hands relaxed and ready at his waist, and waits.

“Ino,” Sakura says, but it’s barely a fraction of her normal voice, and Ino skids to a stop.

“What? I can hardly hear you. Did you lose your voice or something?”

She walks right up to the pink-haired girl, gets within two feet of her, before she notices how Sakura’s shoulders are shaking, the way her face as gone white as milk. Her blue eyes blink but Naruto springs up suddenly from his crouch.

“Hey! Hey, you’re on Choji’s team! Did you bring any of his snacks? It’s a lot of work, doing all this digging.”

“Of course not! That fatso carries his own snacks,” Ino snorts straight away.

“Nothing? Not even a bag of chips?” Naruto whines. “I’m so hungry.”

“Go get your own food, then.”

She tries to turn back to Sakura but Naruto crowds her vision.

“I heard there’s a super-hot-pepper-flavored kind of chip! Choji was talking about it, last time we traded snacks! Does he have any left?”

“Those ones that turn your tongue red?”

“Yeah!”

Ino grins at him. “You wouldn’t be able to handle it, Naruto. They’re way too hot! You’d be spitting fire.”

“Oh, yeah? I’ve _gotta_ try them! Can you show me where to buy some? I’ve got gama-kichi with me today! We’ve been doing a bunch of D-class missions so I’ve got spending money!”

He herds her back towards the streets all the while babbling excitedly, doesn’t let her glance back at the garden where Sasuke is settling back in the dirt on his knees next to their third teammate. The two blondes disappear into the streets and some peace returns.

Kakashi watches his remaining students work in the dirt diligently.

Sasuke says nothing but he stays where Sakura can see him. A few minutes later he reaches over with an open hand. She blinks down at him blankly for a moment. He points, gestures to the small pile of weeds she’s collected, and turns his palm up again. She gathers up the weeds in two hands and deposits them into Sasuke’s outstretched hands.

Her fingers have stopped trembling, Kakashi notices as Sasuke piles up the weeds and returns to digging beside her.

They finish well before Naruto returns on his own. He grins at the sight of them and proudly displays his large red bag of chips.

“You guys have GOT to try one,” he insists, holding out the bag.

Sasuke snorts. “They can’t be _that_ hot.”

He takes a chip. Sakura blinks owlishly then comes forward and also claims a chip. Together they pop in the bright red chips and crunch down.

Naruto grins as his teammates splutter and cough.

“Kakashi-sensei, do you want to try one?”

He nearly says no out of bored reflex, until he thinks about it. Suffering builds character, someone said once, and so he opts to suffer along with them. He waves Naruto over with a hand and plucks up a chip of his own.

He knows all eyes are on him as he lifts a finger to the edge of his mask and he pauses to level them with a blatant look of exasperation. Six eyes remain completely fixed on him, even through the end of Sasuke’s coughing fit. He considers giving them his back but it’s far too late to be worried about them catching a glimpse of his face.

They’ve seen much more of him than that, he thinks as he drags the mask down just enough to get the chip in, and chews.

They stare at him, waiting for a reaction.

A few seconds later they’re still staring.

Kakashi finally swallows and fans himself faintly.

“Wow. They _are_ pretty spicy,” he admits when he’s sure he won’t cough up a storm.

+

Later, when Naruto has dragged Sasuke off to practice throwing shuriken, Kakashi finds himself approached in the kitchen by a narrow-eyed gennin. She hangs about in the doorway silently as he puts away their lunch dishes.

“How?”

He gives her his full attention. It’s the first time she’s sought him out for conversation since they came back. He doesn’t want to force her to speak more than she’s comfortable with, but just ‘how’ on its own is very vague. The silver-haired man makes a gesture for her to continue, verbally or otherwise.

Sakura blinks a few times before mock-fanning her mouth.

“Aa. The chips?”

Pink hair bobs as she nods.

“They were pretty spicy, huh?”

Another nod.

“Do you want more? I can get them from Naruto.”

Sakura shakes her head and steps out of the kitchen. Kakashi doesn’t pursue her. He puts away some more dishes and finishes cleaning up the kitchen. When he’s put the last cup away there’s a sheet of paper lying flat on the counter. Very stealthy, he congratulates her in his head as he picks it up.

‘How can you eat it so easily? Spicy things.’

Kakashi figures she’ll be around, somewhere she thinks is safe, but still listening, so he speaks into the empty kitchen.

“When we were younger one of my teammates made curry. Nohara Rin.” His lips lift into a smile despite himself. “You would have liked her. She wanted to be like Tsunade-sama of the Legendary Sannin. She cooked for us on missions, made sure we had plenty to eat that wasn’t just field rations or soldier pills. She made so much that I guess I built up an immunity to a certain amount of spice. I still like to eat spicy things, from time to time.”

He considers the note in his hand and the conversation as a whole, and asks, “Would you like to help me make one of her recipes?”

Very softly, from around the corner as seafoam green eyes finally come into view, Sakura says ‘yes’ and comes into the kitchen.

They spend the rest of the afternoon preparing. They buy chicken and vegetables and ingredients for a marinade. They slice onions and chop garlic, they cut carrots and mushrooms and peel ginger. Kakashi uses the chicken to give a short jointing lesson. Sakura soaks it all in, sometimes speaking, sometimes miming.

It’s the most time she’s spent alone with him and Kakashi finally feels like he’s doing something right as they sauté onions side by side.

They’re at the step to add the spices when they reach for the same ingredient. Sakura’s hand flies back as though she’s been burnt. Kakashi stops moving altogether, only blinking. He makes himself as still as possible and waits for her to make the first move.

It’s long enough that the onions almost start to burn when Sakura makes a determined sound and reaches out again.

They add the spices and save the onions by adding a bit more oil. Kakashi apologies, softly, but Sakura shakes her head. She takes the spice dish and deftly deposits it into his hand. The tips of her fingers deliberately brush against his palm.

“Sakura,” he tells her gently as he can. “You don’t have to go out of your way to try and fix this on your own.”

She makes a series of hand gestures: does this need salt?

“Not yet.”

For a moment, the only sound between them is the onions sizzling in the pan.

“Do you remember Sasuke talking to me about going to therapy?”

Green eyes blink several times.

She abandons the stove top for her paper and pencil. She holds up the paper as Kakashi takes over minding the slowly melting onions.

‘Does it help?’

“Yes. That’s what therapy is for. It’s supposed to be a place you can have guided advice, or just someone to listen, if you are ready to talk. There’s no rush, either. No one makes me say anything I’m not ready to. We go at my pace, on my schedule, when I feel like it. It’s good.”

‘Are the others going?’

“Sometime soon,” Kakashi says as he adds the chicken. He waits for the sizzling to die down a bit before he continues. “I think it will be good for the two of them. It would be good for you, too, but I won’t make you go.”

He looks right at her, puts down the chop sticks and turns from the stove.

“Sakura, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to, ever again. I’ve lost that right. But if you don’t go for me, at least consider going for yourself.”

She shakes her head slowly.

Kakashi accepts that and returns to the stove.

He didn’t want to participate, either, in the early visits. He remembers redirecting the therapist, dodging her questions, and generally wasting both of their times.

Forcing Sakura to go won’t magically make her better. She has to see the results for herself, that Kakashi is getting better, and then she has to want to get better herself.

He can’t make her choose, but he can lead by example, by doing. He turns the chicken and covers the pan with a lid.

“There’s not much else to do for the next quarter of an hour.”

Sakura glances at the pot. Kakashi follows her gaze.

“Aa. We do have to stay and watch the pot.”

She puts her hands together. Kakashi takes a guess.

“Yoga?”

There’s a twitch at the edge of her lips that might become a smile.

He’s doing one thing right, he thinks as they assume Mountain Pose side by side as the chicken cooks.

+

Dinner, once quiet and tense, becomes a noisy affair with the advent of curry.

Naruto blankets his rice in the sauce before he tries it and challenges Sasuke to an eating competition.

“First one to clear their bowl wins! Loser has to do the dishes!”

Sakura taps her own bowl with her chopsticks and raises a challenging eyebrow. Naruto’s face splits into a grin once he’s finished gaping at her. Sasuke snorts as he picks up his dinner but there’s a smirk he can’t quite hide behind the rice.

Kakashi counts down and they all dig in.

Sasuke taps out first, throwing down his bowl for water. Naruto almost gets a laugh out but he’s coughing too hard. Kakashi and Sakura quietly inhale their food in tandem, eyes fixed on the prize. There’s plenty of pots and pans to scrub from cooking curry.

To his surprise, Kakashi loses fair and square. Sakura holds up her empty bowl with a teary-eyed grin.

“Come on, boys. Losers to the kitchen. Sakura, can you put away the rest of the curry? We’ll take it for lunch on tomorrow’s mission.”

“Yes, Sensei,” she says, and disappears into the kitchen.

+

Sasuke squints at him the entire time they’re cleaning.

It’s almost cute, Kakashi thinks, how concerned he is.

The thought is interrupted, viscerally, by a flash of memory: an image of pale flesh, of Sasuke’s stomach and thighs, and Kakashi realizes what a mistake it was to think of his student as ‘cute’.

It’s a long time before he can shake the image and his hand trembles as he passes Sasuke the wet dish.

Dark black eyes dart up to look at him. Sasuke accepts the dish with a steady hand, towels it dry. He holds his ground where he’s chosen to stand at the older man’s side. He doesn’t comment on the strange pause in their washing routine.

When all the dishes are put up Naruto runs on ahead to draw a bath. Sasuke stays behind, waiting until Sakura has gone to fetch clothes, until the two of them are alone.

“Sakura’s speaking.”

“Yes. She is.”

“That’s good.”

“It can be,” Kakashi agrees distantly. “But there’s still much to be done.”

“Is she going to therapy?”

“She might soon. You should. Naruto, too.”

“Therapy won’t help me.”

“You were the one who convinced me to go.”

Sasuke frowns a little. “That’s different. You needed the help. You were… Naruto, when he… You just _let_ him. But. You went to therapy. You’d say no, _now_, right?”

“Right.”

There’s a sharp nod and an obvious sense of relief. Kakashi wonders when Sasuke became such a mother hen.

“I went,” Kakashi observes as blandly as he can. “It helped me, even when I didn’t think I needed it.”

“I _don’t_ need it.”

“I won’t make you do anything, Sasuke. I’ve lost that right. But even if you won’t listen to me, you should heed your own advice.”

Sasuke frowns deeper. “I won’t speak to some stranger.”

“I’m not a stranger.”

“You want me to talk to you?”

“It doesn’t have to be me,” Kakashi says quickly, putting both hands up in a gesture of peace. “You know Naruto, too.”

Sasuke looks rather stricken.

“You don’t want to talk to Naruto,” Kakashi guesses. Sasuke can’t seem to answer but to shake his head. His cheeks are slowly draining of color and Kakashi senses it’s time to stop talking.

He takes a slow and measured step back, gives Sasuke physical space, while keeping his eyes on the boy.

Too many emotions start and stop across his face all at once—anger, clear and taut; guilt, a flicker of envy, and a tremulous shadow of what very well might be madness—all gone as quick as they’d come. Sasuke sees Kakashi looking, though, and freezes his features. He goes placid at once, carefully hiding away as much emotion as he can, even after Kakashi looks away.

He doesn’t want to mess things up any more than he already has, but while it’s just the two of them, Kakashi weighs his options and takes a risk.

He sinks down onto his knees, surrendering the height advantage. He folds his legs and tucks his hands into his lap, projecting boneless relaxation as he sits on the floor. Sasuke is watching him like a hawk. Kakashi looks at him, perfectly even, and cocks his head.

“You called me yours. That night.”

He doesn’t say which.

Sasuke nods sharply, a flash of something dark darting over his expression. “Ours. You belong to the three of us, until you fix what you broke.”

“But before that you were mine.”

There’s a visible shudder that goes through Sasuke’s entire body. Kakashi doesn’t look away.

“What do you imagine will happen once you’re fixed? Will you keep me? Or will you go back to being mine, I wonder.”

He’s curious as he is anxious. Perhaps Sasuke doesn’t know. But neither in fact does he. He waits, to see how Sasuke will fill the silence between them.

“You… it sounds like… The way you say it,” Sasuke says, and then he stops, frustrated. “You make it sound dirty.”

“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” Kakashi scratches the back of his head a little awkwardly. “I seem to be doing that an awful lot, lately. I just wanted to say: it’s nice.”

Sasuke looks like he wants to ask, but doesn’t, so Kakashi continues.

“It’s nice to belong to someone. You know my parents died when I was young. I had my team, then. Until they died. One by one, they left me, until I was completely on my own again. I didn’t pass a single team before the three of you, you know? You can look it up. I guess I didn’t want to let myself get attached again.”

“But we passed,” Sasuke says.

“Aa. You passed, and you became mine—that is, you became my new precious people.”

The Uchiha’s pale face colors a bit under the cheeks as the concept sinks in. Kakashi offers him a smile under the mask but he figures Sasuke can decipher his expression from the curve of his eye.

“I don’t expect things to happen right away. But when things belong to you, you have to take care of them. When we completed the bridge mission, in Wave, I was responsible for you, when you were skewered with all those needles. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Naruto was scared, too.” Sasuke nods jerkily. He remembers well enough. Kakashi brings his rambling to its point.

“When you belonged to me, I took care of you. You let me, and it was nice. Now that I’m yours, you’re taking care of me. You pushed me go to therapy. I wanted to tell you thank you. I’m doing much better, because of it. Because of you.”

There’s a pause in their conversation as the sound of running feet announces Naruto’s arrival.

“Hey! Bath’s ready! Um, why are you sitting down in the dark?”

“It’s the curry,” Kakashi admits, a hand over his stomach. “I think I ate too fast. You go on ahead, Sasuke. I’m sure the water’s still warm, eh, Naruto?”

“Yeah! C’mon, Sasuke-teme!” He leans in to stage-whisper as Sasuke follows him out the kitchen. “I didn’t think you’d still be hanging out with Kakashi-sensei or I’d have come to get you sooner. You don’t like being alone with him, right? So I totally rescued you!”

Sasuke rolls his eyes and walks alongside his teammate.

Kakashi blows out a deep sigh from his spot on the floor and sinks onto the tile.

+

It’s almost an hour later when a towel drops down right onto his face. He moves it to glance up incredulously at his black-haired student. Sasuke folds his arms over his chest imperiously but the effect is ruined: his wet hair sticks out at odd angles, exactly like a duck’s butt. Kakashi traps his snort of laughter because Sasuke obviously has something important to say.

“I’ll go. To therapy, or whatever.”

He comes up off the floor with hope written in his eyes. Sasuke shifts uncomfortably at the sight.

“It’s… it’ll make Sakura feel better, right? If she doesn’t go alone. Naruto will agree to go, if you frame it like that.”

“_Thank you_,” Kakashi says only, nearly struck dumb with the sudden success. He thought he’d have to do these little talks with Sasuke for weeks before he entertained the idea.

Perhaps things are going to be okay, after all, he dares to hope as the Uchiha quickly vacates the kitchen.

+

It’s almost midnight by the time he’s dragged himself to his room for sleep. The doors are locked, his team is asleep in their shared room several doors down from his, so Kakashi lets himself relax a little.

Things are going so well. Better than he dared to hope. Sakura is speaking, even went out of her way to try out some very light physical contact. Sasuke has at least agreed to attend therapy. So far things are progressing in a positive direction. Maybe the therapist is right.

Kakashi strips down to his boxers, foregoing the face mask and draws back his covers, to find someone stowed away under the sheets.

Naruto smiles up at him.

He’s wearing absolutely nothing.

Kakashi feels his heart stop in his chest.

In the dim light of the room he can make out the teenager’s features. The line of his throat, the flat planes of his chest, smooth stomach that maps down over a tiny cropping of blonde curls. Kakashi tears his gaze away too late.

He was _looking_, he realizes.

The thought makes him physically ill.

He’s not the only one to have noticed, apparently, as Naruto snickers cheekily.

“See something you like? Kakashi-sensei.”

“Naruto. Get out of my bed.”

“No way.” The younger man rolls up onto his heels. Kakashi is terrified for an instant that Naruto will leap onto him, but he sits back on the bed instead, and drops his hands flat against his thighs, leaning forward with a leer. “That’s not what you _really_ wanna say.”

“It is,” Kakashi says, a bit more strictly. “This is where I sleep. Please go back to your own bed.”

“You said I could,” Naruto insists, sitting up a bit. “You said I could sleep in your bed, later. Well it’s later now!”

“Naruto I said we could _talk_ later. We _should_ talk, about your behavior. You have to stop some of the things you’re doing.”

The blonde scrunches up his nose a bit.

“Say. It’s kind of chilly tonight.”

“There’s a change of clothes for you,” Kakashi says a bit tightly, refraining from mentioning Naruto’s choice to go without clothing, “in your room. Let’s go.”

There’s a dangerous gleam to those blue eyes.

“But there are plenty of other ways to warm up, right here. Kakashi-sensei.”

One of Naruto’s hands begins to slide down his thigh, back toward his lap.

Kakashi has two choices: reach out and stop Naruto before he touches himself, which inadvertently will have him touching Naruto, or do nothing.

He takes a moment too long to decide and then Naruto’s hand is sliding up under his dick.

“I’ve thought about it. The way you touched me, here.”

It’s like he’s back in the desert. Kakashi scrambles to stay in the moment.

“Please stop,” Kakashi croaks. He can turn around and leave. He can walk out at any time.

Except he doesn’t.

He’s paralyzed from the neck down, powerless to do anything but shake his head, helplessly, as Naruto sighs in pleasure, stroking himself in front of Kakashi.

“It felt so good when you had your hands all over me,” Naruto moans, stretching his thighs out on Kakashi’s sheets. His hand grips his slowly hardening shaft, encouraging it to grow in his hand, similar to how Kakashi coaxed him the very first time.

He’s assaulted by the memory that’s been forever seared into his brain: Naruto panting softly, just like he is now, with his thighs spread out over Kakashi’s, and the soft slapping of flesh against flesh. Naruto looks at him through lust-filled eyes, one hand fisting his leaking erection, the other half-covering his blushing cheeks, and he chants as he strokes himself: _sensei, sensei, Kakashi-sensei_.

Kakashi has lost contact with his body. He can’t move a muscle.

“Sensei,” Naruto pants, and there’s a wet, wet noise as his fist closes over the tip of his dick, “It’s not as good, without you. You do it better.”

Kakashi can’t even speak, to beg Naruto to stop. He manages to shake his head: he doesn’t trust his tongue.

Deep blue eyes blink through confusion.

“Kakashi-sensei. Won’t you touch me?”

There’s a sound. Kakashi looks down to realize he’s taken a step towards the bed.

The roaring white noise in his brain steals all cognitive function, the only command he can possibly give screaming over everything: _**run**_.

He disappears in the longest Shushin he can manage, throwing every ounce of chakra available into it, running away so throughly that he’s not sure where he is when he finally lands.

The exhaustion from such a leap hits him, and he crumples to a knee. He’d rather focus on that instead of thinking about anything that just happened. The images crowd his mind to spite him.

Naruto, cheeks red, eyes half-lidded with arousal, _touching himself in Kakashi’s bed_.

Shutting his eyes makes it worse, for the image is all the clearer in his brain.

_What was he doing?_

Kakashi looks down to his empty hands, blinks down at his palms where his fingers tremble.

He’s sweating.

_‘Won’t you touch me?’_ He hears, whisper-soft on the air.

The jounin shudders and shakes his head.

Kakashi assess his surroundings and gauges his chakra. He summons Bisuke, one of his Ninken, quickly penning a note to explain himself to the Lord Third, and also to Sasuke, who might do something rash and irrational when he wakes up to find Kakashi gone in the morning. Once his notes are off to their intended recipients Kakashi sets up camp in a tree and drops off to a restless sleep.

His dreams are haunted by visions of tanned flesh, of bright blonde hair and mockingly cheerful laughter.


	5. Chapter 5

Hatake Kakashi joined the ANBU corps right at 13, youngest member ever before Uchiha Itachi, and spent years serving after that. The instincts that kept him alive long ago wake him up now, and Kakashi drops out of the tree right before it’s covered in a hail of throwing stars.

He hits the ground and there’s a whistle as he sends out thin wire attacked to three kunai.

Half a breath later, the sharp sound of lightning splits the forest air.

A pained gurgle and a dull thump lets him know his assailant has been neutralized.

Kakashi checks the wind for any other scent. He’s surprised for an instant before shaking his head and standing up straighter.

“So you were just gonna let him turn me into a pincushion?”

“No,” Yamato denies as he steps out from the trunk of a tree, “Have a little faith in me? There’s no way you wouldn’t dodge. I didn’t need to do a thing.”

Kakashi busies himself turning the dead man onto his side. He’s in his late forties, wearing foreign garb under his travel cloak, and a headband that stops Kakashi in his tracks.

He’s from Suna.

There’s a gentle pressure at his wrist, and Kakashi blinks, to realize that Yamato has grabbed his hand out of the air. There’s a knife inches away from the Suna-nin’s face, still fisted in his own hand.

Kakashi lets Yamato guide his hand down, slowly.

“Thank you,” he says, eventually.

Yamato considers him for a long moment. Then he releases Kakashi’s hand.

“We’ll make an official report. It will look better if he’s not mutilated, is all.”

Kakashi nods dully and sits down. He’s not quite shaking but he doesn’t want to push himself right now. He isn’t sure what he’ll do. Yamato seems to understand the unspoken need for, whatever, and makes himself busy but doesn’t leave.

He isn’t sure why he starts talking. He hasn’t been particularly close to Yamato in years, not since before he left ANBU, but something about the other man’s familiar presence at his back, the quiet comfort of his chakra, makes him feel able to say these things he hasn’t been able to vocalize.

“I was the one to make them like this.”

“You made a tactical decision,” Yamato replies tonelessly. “Your team was compromised, and you chose not to abandon them.”

“Maybe I should have,” Kakashi argues. “Maybe I should have been a bigger coward and let them die with their virtue in tact.”

“But then they would be dead. Better loss of virtue than a loss of life.”

“Yeah?” Kakashi sneers a bit, under the mask. “Fuck or die? Is that it?”

“Yes, essentially,” Yamato replies, completely unfazed by Kakashi’s bitterness. “You blame yourself for what happened. That’s understandable. They were under your command, but you’ve led teams into battle before. You’ve lost teammates before. You didn’t let that break you, then. This won’t break you, now.”

Kakashi shakes his head. He’s not broken, that much is true. But he’s closer than he’s ever been.

Yamato is right, he realizes after a few moments of silent contemplation. He has been through worse than this. He’s actually lost people before, people much closer to him than these three. Obito. Rin. _Sensei_.

He grieved, sure, after their deaths, but then he pulled himself up and moved on. What’s so different this time?

“Maybe the therapist is right. I’m not sure me staying with them will help them the way they need. I’m not sure it’s helping me, either.”

“But you’ve stayed,” Yamato observes.

“Sasuke won’t stand for anyone else. He wants me to be better, to do better than just running away.”

“So you’re staying for Sasuke?”

“I’m sticking around for all of them.” He looks down at his hands. He remembers the way he felt, clone in front of Sarutobi, his father’s tanto clenched firmly in both fists, before the old man trapped him in the past in his head with the vision of Minato’s disappointed blue eyes. Then Naruto had barreled in, with Sasuke and Sakura, and they’d stolen his chance to commit suicide to atone for his sins. Apparently, he isn’t allowed to die.

“According to him, I don’t get to choose,” he says raggedly.

He can understand that. He took the choice out of their hands, so it’s only fair that they relieve him of the ability to choose death.

There’s a sudden weight on his shoulder. The corner of Yamato’s mouth is tight, and closer than he expected it to be. Kakashi realizes the weight is the other man’s hand resting against him. That puts them just an arm’s length apart. At such a distance it’s impossible to miss that Yamato is hurting.

“Kakashi. You don’t have to do this alone.”

He pulls, slowly, telegraphing his intentions so Kakashi has time to move back or step to the side but Kakashi is at his limit, is exhausted, mentally, physically, and he just goes into the arms that open up for him.

It’s just a hug, but he all but collapses into it. Kakashi lets his head fall onto Yamato’s shoulder.

There’s comfort in just being held. Kakashi hasn’t had it since Sensei died. The utter relief that floods through him without warning saps the last of his strength. He finds himself with blurred vision but there’s a hand against his back that doesn’t let him run away to dry his eyes. Instead he lets Yamato hold him close. He ends up blinking his tears out over the other jounin’s flak jacket.

Ninja are tools. They complete the mission regardless of personal cost. Kakashi has believed this and lived this for so long that it IS his way of life. 

But as much as Kakashi is a ninja, Kakashi is also human. 

It surprises him how he'd absolutely forgotten that simple fact. 

It's been too long since someone wrapped him up and comforted him. The last time he can remember was Sensei, he thinks as Yamato's arms take his weight, hold him steady. There was a mission gone south that they finished but just the two of them returned. After, Minato had taken Kakashi wordlessly against his chest and held him. Kakashi had accepted it, just turned his head into the familiar smell of Sensei and stayed curled there for what felt like hours. He doesn't remember what Sensei said, but he remembers the way he felt. It's the same way he feels now, wrapped up in Yamato's embrace. It feels good. 

Slowly, cautiously, his own hands come up to rest against the other man, to return the gesture of being held.

That is to say, Kakashi hugs him back.

The subtle change this causes is abrupt. Yamato’s heart beat speeds up under his vest. His breathing doesn’t change but he swallows, once, like he can’t help it. His fingertips seem to suddenly sear, pinpoints of heat against the flat of Kakashi’s back and on his shoulder. Yamato makes no other movement, doesn’t encourage or turn him away. Just offers himself, sturdy as an oak, because Kakashi could really use the support and he’s strong enough to give it.

It’s vulnerable, Kakashi thinks in the tactical recesses of his mind, for them to both be distracted by each other like this out in the open.

The thought occurs that they could do this behind closed doors.

But then there might be expectations. Things that Kakashi isn’t sure he wants with Yamato. More than that, he isn’t sure he’s ready for with anybody. He hasn’t let himself even consider the possibility of starting a relationship so hot on the heels of his own trauma.

And what if he’s misreading the situation? What if this is just a hug between comrades, a tender gesture of comfort, meant to console, and not an overture for something else?

He’s killed enough of his other friends. He couldn’t bear to push Yamato away by reading him wrong.

He’s held on for quite some time, he realizes.

Slowly he pulls away. Yamato lets him go at his own pace, face perfectly normal except for the tips of his ears, which are already fading back to normal from their pinkish tinge. Kakashi feels a roguish impulse to reach up and cup the other man’s cheek, say something charming, or teasing, just to see Yamato’s blush come back.

The thought brings back memories of the previous night, the image of Naruto’s hot cheeks, flat chest, blonde curls, and the impulse turns to ash in his mouth.

He pulls back further, nearly _snatches_ his hands back off of Yamato, and takes a full four steps away. It’s all he can do to keep the panic inside, instead of splashed all over himself for Yamato to see.

The other man regards him with a bit of surprise.

“I’m sorry. I should have asked, first.”

Kakashi chokes on a laugh.

_What was he thinking?_ He’s no where near ready to deal with… Attraction? A crush? Love? Whatever this is.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Obviously,” Yamato dismisses. “That’s not what I meant. I should have asked, before touching you. Kakashi. If it’s no good, with me, then please consider seeking company with another one of your comrades. Gai has been asking about you, and Asuma. Apparently the Yamanaka clan heir has been very vocal about her concern for one of your students.”

_‘That’s not what you really want to say.’_

Naruto’s words echo in Kakashi’s brain and he snaps his mouth shut before he repeats them back at Yamato. It’s obvious that Yamato is holding back for his sake, and what is he doing? Is he so useless that he can’t do anything but react?

Things can’t go on like this. Something has to change if any of them are ever going to get better.

It has to start with him.

“Yamato. Let me say something?”

“I won’t interrupt you,” Yamato agrees tentatively, though it looks like he’s bracing himself for rejection.

Kakashi doesn’t reach out and take his hand, but he does turn his hand over, opens his fingers palm-up, and looks across the distance between them, inviting him to initiate contact with his eyes.

There’s only a moment’s hesitation before Yamato reaches out to him.

Kakashi turns Yamato’s hand over in a gentle grip. He holds him loosely, leaving plenty of room for Yamato to pull away when he needs to. He inspects the callouses and faded scars from handling bladed weapons. There’s a smooth plane of flesh at his wrist, where his pulse jumps when Kakashi’s thumb brushes over it.

Because he’s a coward, he talks to Yamato’s hand, instead of looking him in the face as he speaks.

“I’m flattered, but now is a _terrible time_. I need to focus on fixing what I broke in my team, and then on fixing myself, before I can give any energy to someone else.” His fingertips brush over Yamato’s skin. He can feel the other man's pulse dipping and diving, erratic, but not out of control. Definitely at _least_ attraction. Fresh regret drains into Kakashi as he remembers teasing Yamato during their time together in ANBU, and now, considering the anxious look those dark eyes regard him with.

“I couldn’t ask you to wait for me. That would be unfair, to both of us.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Yamato breathes, as if he can’t quite dare to believe he’s saying the words, “waiting. For you.”

Kakashi shakes his head. He knows what it’s like, waiting on ‘someday’, being hung up on ‘maybe’ and ‘what if’, thinking of Minato’s gentle smile, and the hand he was never brave enough to reach out and hold.

“I’m sorry.”

His fingers flex and close around the wrist that tries to slip out of his grasp. It’s probably the most selfish thing he’s ever done, sending mixed signals like this, when Yamato clearly wants more out of him than Kakashi is capable of giving, but he swallows and asks anyway.

“Yamato? I… if you’re up to it, I could really use a friend.”

The other man glances down between them, to where Kakashi’s grip has him trapped, and nods.

“Friends.”

“Friends,” Kakashi agrees, passing the pad of his thumb across Yamato’s hand possessively, ignoring the dark shadow of guilt that grips his heart.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step to fixing any problem is to admit that there's a problem to fix.

Talking things over with Yamato from a strategic stand point is incredibly helpful. Between the two of them they sort out a plan of attack, as it were.

Things work out thusly: the kids all go to see different people. It wouldn’t do to have them see the same therapist as Kakashi. There would be a clear conflict of interests.

The rotation is Sakura in the morning, Naruto at noon, and Sasuke before dinner. Kakashi takes Yamato up on his offer to help escort them to therapy. The other man maintains a strictly professional air. This, along with his position as Jounin and ANBU, help cement him as an authority figure deserving of respect. There’s no protest when he suddenly starts showing up more and more in the Hatake compound.

Kakashi still tries to get the Lord Third Hokage to accept his resignation as a jounin instructor. The Lord Third entertains this with a droll sense of utter indifference.

“You’ve made it clear that they won’t tolerate being parted from you. If we force the issue now, what good will come of it?”

“Yamato seems to have things under control.”

“And you think it’s fair to dump this burden on him alone? I think you wouldn’t do that to your younger kohai,” the Lord Third says, completely unconcerned.

“Why couldn’t you have left me to die,” Kakashi muses miserably into his tea.

Sarutobi, the complete bastard, laughs at him.

+

So it happens that it must, that the Hokage still doesn’t accept his resignation, and he doesn’t get to shove everything off on Yamato’s shoulders. The first day of his team’s therapy comes and goes, and Yamato doesn’t join them for dinner. He stays in the compound, blended in against the walls, for support as Kakashi gathers his gennin for dinner.

There’s rice and fish, miso and pickled vegetables, fairly simple food.

But it’s not so simple, because Naruto and Sasuke bump elbows as they chop tofu and spring onions for the soup and there’s not a fight over it. Because Sakura accepts dishes to set the table from Kakashi and doesn’t flinch at all when they brush fingertips.

It’s progress, verifiable proof that something is moving in the right direction. It’s good. Things are _working_.

Kakashi gathers that tangible warmth, the sense of success, so close he can reach out and feel it against his fingertips, and holds it close. His heart is a lot lighter than it’s been in days. They set the table and serve food and eat together.

He debates on whether to bring up how their first days went, but he doesn’t have to.

“Can I switch with Sasuke? My guy’s no good.”

“Aa? What do you mean, your guy?”

“My therapist,” Naruto complains, gesturing with his chopsticks. “He’s wrong and I don’t like him.”

“He’s a doctor,” Sasuke retorts. “He knows more than you. He’s the expert, that’s why you’re going to see him, fool.”

Sakura’s eyes dart between her teammates and she goes through a series of hand gestures. Naruto shakes his head at her.

“No, no no no, he doesn’t, like, creep me out or anything. It's nothing like that. He’s a billion years old and he has glasses. He’s like an old grandfather. But he keeps saying stuff I don’t like.”

Kakashi stuffs his mouth full of a salmon fillet so he isn’t the one to ask what Naruto doesn’t like being told.

“What does he say? Ah,” Sasuke stops and adopts a voice like a robot, clearly reiterating something he’s been told by his own therapist. “You don’t have to say. It’s private. We shouldn’t ask.”

Naruto crosses his arms over his chest and frowns deeply.

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

His eyes dart none to subtly right at Kakashi.

Sakura and Sasuke pick up the unspoken pieces of that sentiment. Sakura frowns at him, clearly displeased. Sasuke goes a step further and calls him out.

“He doesn’t like that you keep trying to jump Kakashi-sensei.”

Kakashi chokes on the salmon.

“Bastard! I’m not trying to jump him!”

“You so are,” Sasuke says as he picks up sliced ginger. “Sakura and I had to pull you off him, that one time.”

Sakura makes several hand signs. Naruto goes a little red in the cheeks and glowers at her.

“_Sakura-chan_! I did NOT sneak out of bed last night!”

“You’re not nearly as stealthy as you think you are. We both saw you leave,” Sasuke says with a half sneer, “and when you slunk back in, all alone after midnight. You were sulking. Clearly nothing happened.”

“I’m sorry, can we _please_ talk about something else,” Kakashi asks after a long draw of water.

The teenagers at the table have the gall to snicker at his discomfort, which he should get upset about, except Sakura signs a question about their next mission, and they do move on.

They finish their food and disperse. Sasuke and Sakura go to get ready for bed. Naruto hangs around the kitchen as Kakashi cleans up, not speaking, but also not leaving. Kakashi isn’t completely comfortable being alone with him, not because he’s afraid of something happening, but because he really wants Naruto’s therapy to be successful, and part of that is being firm with rejections, which is something he has to work on, apparently.

He fully expects it when footsteps approach him from behind.

Kakashi turns off the water as two arms sneak up to embrace him, a head falling against the broad plane of his back.

He sets the dishes down and turns around. Naruto stubbornly holds on, adjusting his grip and burrowing his face into the jounin’s lower chest instead of his back.

_He’s short_, Kakashi thinks as he pries the boy’s arms off gently but firmly.

“You’re not eating enough vegetables.”

“Let me switch with Sasuke,” Naruto mumbles into Kakashi’s shirt. “I don’t like my doctor. He’s _wrong_.”

“He’s qualified. Naruto, back up, please.”

The blonde shakes his head minutely, rubbing his cheek into Kakashi. “Don’t wanna. You smell good—“

Kakashi pushes a little firmer. Naruto blinks as he’s propelled a foot away. He looks up in genuine surprise.

“Naruto. Please stop touching me. I don’t like it.”

“That’s a lie,” Naruto says, eyebrows knitting together.

“I promise you it’s the truth.”

“I don’t believe you. You like me. Why else would you let me kiss you?”

Kakashi doesn’t say anything, which puts a grin on Naruto’s face, and he steps forward, back into Kakashi’s space.

He doesn’t get further than that because there’s a hand falling down on his shoulder, heavy like a brick.

“Naruto-kun, that’s enough.”

Yamato’s tone is steely. The blonde jumps at his sudden presence and obediently shrinks back a few steps. Kakashi sends the other man a wordless look of relief and gathers himself in the space he’s been given back.

“It’s time to get ready to sleep. Go brush your teeth and get to bed.”

“Can I ask you something?”

Kakashi wants to say no, but perhaps it’s best to clear the air now. “Aa.”

Naruto looks at Yamato meaningfully. “It’s, it’s _private_.”

“I’m afraid I’m not going anywhere,” Yamato says firmly. “You have my word that whatever you want to discuss will remain between the two of you, but you’ve lost control before. I’ll remain here to ensure that doesn’t happen.”

He has both feet planted like he’s taken root in the kitchen. Naruto looks like he wants to argue for an instant but Yamato’s entire being radiates resolve.

“Fine.” The blonde screws himself up and fixes Kakashi with a look. “Last night—why did you run away?”

“Why did I run away,” Kakashi repeats with disbelief.

“You left,” Naruto says, cheeks going pink as he glances in Yamato’s direction, “you ran away from me. I didn’t even touch you.”

“But you asked me to touch you, and that made me very uncomfortable. So I left.”

“But you were going to,” Naruto argues. “You _wanted_ to.”

Kakashi shakes his head tiredly.

“Naruto, I don’t want to touch you like that.”

Naruto glares and snarls, eyes flashing red. “You're _lying_! You _liked_ touching me before! It was good! I liked it, it felt great! What changed? Why are you being so selfish now?”

Kakashi is saved answering by the approach of footsteps.

“Naruto why are you shouting,” Sasuke’s voice asks as he steps into the kitchen. The sight of him in pajamas, with a pillow under one arm, disarms Naruto. He takes a step back, shaking his head as though he has to clear his thoughts, and changes targets.

“I’m not shouting, bastard! I’m asking a question.”

“Very loudly.” Sasuke sniffs the air and recoils with a mild grimace. “Your breath stinks. Haven’t you brushed your teeth yet?”

“Leave me alone, Sasuke! I’m busy!”

“_Guh_. You smell like fish.”

“I do not!” He pauses, as though too curious not to, and smells his own breath.

Sasuke smirks as Naruto gags a bit.

“Fish breath,” he announces as he stalks back out of the kitchen. Naruto colors and runs off after him.

In the wake of their departure Kakashi lets himself sigh in relief.

“Thank you,” he says as Yamato steps in beside him to dry dishes.

He’s pretty sure he would have been fine, alone. But it was easier to keep his focus with Yamato in the room. Kakashi wonders why he waited so long to reach out for help. Yamato offers him an easy expression in return but his eyes are warm and fond as he turns away.

“Hey, what are friends for?”

He elbows Kakashi in the ribs.

For a few minutes there’s an easy silence between them. They make short work of most of the dishes, and the only sound in the kitchen is the running water and the clinking of porcelain. They make an effective team. Eventually, though, Yamato does ask a question.

“You don’t have to answer this, but does Naruto do that often? Corner you and ask you questions like that?”

“It’s become more and more common,” Kakashi admits as he passes Yamato a wet bowl.

“He’s quite persistent.”

“Aa. He’s Naruto.”

Yamato looks up from drying the plate in his hands. He looks like there’s another question on the tip of his tongue and he wants to know but he doesn’t want to push too far. Kakashi puts down the last set of chopsticks and turns the water off.

“Ask. If I can’t answer, I’ll let you know. But you can ask.”

The other man nods, once.

“Do you really want to tell him no?”

Kakashi is shocked into silence. He says nothing for far too long.

“I’m sorry,” Yamato says eventually. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset,” Kakashi denies. Yamato gives him a suffering look.

“You’re out of practice hiding your emotions, sempai. Please forget I asked.”

“But it’s a legitimate question.”

Yamato shakes his head. It’s clear he’s regretting even having asked, but it’s a good opportunity for Kakashi to practice, for when the question inevitably comes up again in therapy.

“It’s complicated,” he says, instead of lying. “Do you mind waiting? I want to give you an answer.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I want to.”

This has the immediate effect of visibly upsetting the other man, and Kakashi remembers Yamato likes him: of course it would trouble him to know that Kakashi can’t easily deny wanting to touch a twelve year old. Any rational person’s reaction would be anger, or disgust, to what amounts to potential pedophilia.

“He looks just like him,” Kakashi says weakly. “The Lord Fourth. His father.”

Yamato is a graduate of ROOT and still maintains his ANBU position: he’s clever enough that Kakashi doesn’t have to give him any other clues. He can nearly see the cogs turning inside Yamato’s brain. His eyes widen minutely, and his expression morphs into a mix of comprehension and a shade of pity.

“You were in love with him.”

Kakashi nods.

“But, you never got the chance to tell him how you felt. And now, with Naruto throwing himself at you…”

“It’s not about Minato,” Kakashi denies, shaking his head. “I got over that one-sided attraction long ago. But, with Naruto…”

He struggles to find the words. What does he say? I get lost in the memories of what happened? Sometimes I see things that aren’t real, that are so vivid and clear they might as well be a vision?

That’s ridiculous.

He’s not crazy.

He’s just traumatized.

But this is the one thing he hasn’t mentioned to the therapist yet. He’s been too anxious about her diagnosis might be to reveal what he’s been experiencing. He’s kept this part secret. Maybe he should practice telling Yamato and eventually get around to telling the therapist.

Talking about it is supposed to help.

He makes a gesture because his body is working but his throat is not. Yamato gets the motion and nods, giving Kakashi time to gather his thoughts. It’s difficult to put into words but if he can’t say it then how can he expect it to get better?

He can do this.

“Sometimes,” he says, making his voice as level as he can, “I see things.”

Yamato doesn’t make fun of him. He waits patiently for Kakashi to continue. The other jounin senses the lack of judgment and cautiously presses on.

“There are times I’m not all here. Times when I think I’m still back in Suna, in the desert with my team. I see them. How they were, when I…”

_When I touched them,_ he doesn’t say, and blinks away the flashes of smooth flesh the words bring to the surface of his mind.

“It’s complicated,” he repeats.

“I’ll help you,” Yamato offers again, looking up with hard eyes. “I’ll be here for you, to remind you of when we are.”

Kakashi nods again, not trusting his voice. A little helplessly, he signs ‘_thank you_’, feeling rather like things are getting worse, instead of getting better. But Yamato ushers him out of the kitchen and sends him to bed, and that night he has no dreams.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obviously comments and kudos cheer me up and push me to write more. I want to do my best for this story. It seems important. I want to get this story right and not rush things, y'know? 
> 
> Thank you for your continued patience and support.

Sasuke is away at therapy and Yamato is guiding Sakura and Naruto through an earth-style jutsu. Kakashi comes in quietly from running laps around the village with his pack, slipping out of his sandals, when he hears Naruto’s frustrated howl from out back. Curious, he heads out back, masking his presence to eavesdrop.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset, Naruto-kun. You’re doing very well,” Yamato’s voice says mildly as Kakashi approaches.

“It’s not that! It’s just, what’s the point of learning all these neat techniques when all we do is boring D-ranks?”

Ah. Kakashi was wondering when this would happen. Sasuke has been inquiring, none too subtly and for ages, when they would ever leave the village again. It was only a matter of time before the others started to wonder as well.

“Now, Naruto, you know why.”

“But Kakashi-sensei is _fine_. He’s not all jumpy like Sasuke or mute. Not that there’s anything wrong with not talking, Sakura-chan! But there’s nothing wrong with him, and we’re all doing okay, so, why doesn’t he take us on missions outside the village?”

“The Lord Third hasn’t cleared any of you for missions above D-rank,” Yamato points out, saving Kakashi the trouble. “And really, Naruto? Do you truly believe he’s unaffected? Just what do you think happened on your last mission?”

“We got caught,” Naruto’s voice says, suddenly dropping in volume. “And they drugged us. And then… then Kakashi-sensei had to get the drugs out of our systems.”

There’s a pause, and the sound of footsteps.

Sakura’s chakra has disappeared.

Kakashi considers going after her, then considers not pursuing her while she’s probably retreating to a safe place. Best not to make her feel like he’s chasing her. Instead he quietly summons a Ninken and tasks it with keeping tabs on her from a distance, before listening back in to the conversation in the back yard.

Yamato’s voice comes over through the wall. It’s firm without being too stiff as he speaks to Naruto alone.

“He had to make a terrible choice, Naruto. He could let you die from an overdose or touch you against your will to purge the drug. Nevermind that you think you liked it: be a little more considerate of your teammates.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Naruto huffs, annoyed. “I remember fine, y’know? Sasuke _hated_ it.”

“And Sakura?”

“We don’t talk about it,” Naruto says, more quietly.

“I see. Do you ever think about how you make Kakashi feel, when you ask him to do inappropriate things with you?”

“The therapist already asked me that.”

“And?”

Naruto takes a moment to answer, and it’s surprising.

“The old man said I didn’t have to talk about anything I didn’t want to.”

“Because it makes you feel bad?”

“No.”

“Because you know it’s wrong?”

“No!”

“Or maybe you _like_ making him hurt,” Yamato says ruthlessly. “He touched you. It might have felt nice at some points, but at others it hurt. Maybe you wanted to hurt him back.”

Oh.

_Oh_.

Kakashi has never considered this.

It hits him like a revelation, and he sees things in a whole new light. He remembers the therapist’s words, ‘_He’s the worst affected_’. How could he have never considered that Naruto would want to actively further his trauma in retaliation? He feels his gut twist in too many emotions to name.

Clearly, he hasn’t given the younger man enough credit. It’s almost _sinister_.

“I don’t want to hurt Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto denies, but his voice is uneven, choked with emotion. Kakashi can sense his slowly spiking chakra. “I, _I love him_! He loves me, too! He wants me, I know he does. Why else…”

Naruto chokes a bit and swallows loud enough for Kakashi to hear through the wall. When he continues, his voice cracks.

“Why else would he touch me like that?”

“Naruto,” Yamato says gently, and much kinder than before. “You know he did it because he _had_ _to_. Not because he wanted to. He doesn’t want you like that. He’s your teacher. He was looking out for you, doing what he had to to save you.”

The younger man croaks when he responds, and it sounds like his throat is aching. He must look a mess.

“You’re wrong.”

“Am I?”

“You are! I know he likes me. I know he wants to touch me. He’s just upset!”

“Upset? Why in the world would he be upset? If he likes you he’d have no reason to hesitate.” Yamato’s voice is edging towards frustration though he is still in control. “Naruto. Think about it. Has he approached you at all, or has it just been you seeking him out?”

There’s enough of a pause that Kakashi knows Naruto is actively racking his brain, trying to summon up one instance that Kakashi has sought him out. Mildly worried, Kakashi reminds himself that he hasn’t approached Naruto for any reason other than to round him up for dinner. He hasn’t.

It’s clear in the distressed noise Naruto makes that he’s come to the same conclusion.

Something about the sound galvanizes Kakashi into action. Maybe it’s empathy for being cornered, but Kakashi won’t let Yamato press his student further.

“Yo,” he calls, ambling out into the yard with both hands in his pockets as if just coming in. “It’s almost time to pick up Sasuke.”

“Kakashi-sensei, welcome home!”

“I’m home,” Kakashi says, raising a hand to block Naruto’s intended embrace. “Where’s your teammate?”

“Sakura-chan took off. We were talking about, uh, stuff.” Naruto has the sense to look embarrassed as he scratches the back of his head. “I think we upset her.”

Kakashi gives the younger man a disappointed look.

“Go and apologize, Naruto.” The blonde opens his mouth but Kakashi raises a hand. “We can talk later. Go find Sakura first.”

Yamato begins to walk over, and Naruto caves.

“Sure. I’ll be back.”

The silver-haired man nods after him, one eye fixed on his retreating back. Yamato’s presence comes to a stop beside him.

There’s a few moments where nothing is said. In the silence, Kakashi feels a sense of relief flood through him, smoothing out the ripples of stress in him. It’s as though he’s found a roaring camp fire after a long day’s hike in frigid winter, a safe place to stop and rest. Kakashi uses the silence to gather his thoughts and let his worries go. Just for a few seconds.

“Thank you.”

“Any time,” Yamato says quietly. Then, with an appraising look, “How much did you hear?”

Aa. So he didn’t escape Yamato’s notice completely.

Kakashi shrugs, unabashed at being caught.

“I heard enough. I’ll take a C-rank escort mission, when one comes up.” He looks out over the walls of the compound, glancing at the slice of sky he can see. “It may be good for them to get out of the village again. I can’t keep them here forever.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

“You don’t have to,” Kakashi says, turning to face the other man. “I’ve sat on my heels for far too long. We need this.”

_I need this_, he thinks, and looks up to Yamato’s face.

It’s the first time in a while he’s been able to meet someone else’s eyes.

He holds Yamato’s gaze long enough to see the silver of warmness thread into the lines of his mouth, which turn up into a smile.

He tries not to categorize how that makes his breathing come easier.

“Alright. At least let me collect Sasuke. I’ll let him know you’re busy looking for out of town missions.”

“Thank you,” Kakashi says again.

“Any time,” Yamato repeats, and this time the smile reaches up into his eyes.

+

“I won’t make it to the next couple of sessions,” Kakashi says as he sits down in the therapist’s chair. “We’re taking an out of town mission. We’re expected back somewhere within the window of one to two weeks.”

“Alright.”

Kakashi blinks several times. “Alright?”

“Alright,” the therapist repeats, looking absolutely nonplused.

“You’re not going to ask if I think we’re ready?” Kakashi inquires curiously, with a touch of disbelief. He had expected to argue long and hard. He’d even prepared a couple examples of how well adjusted his team has become to prove how ready they are.

The woman tilts her head ever so slightly.

“No,” she says. “I don’t need to. You told me you won’t make it. That means you’ve already taken your mission, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

He’d just filled out the paperwork before the session.

“Then you’ve decided. That kind of natural confidence is part of what I’ve wanted to inspire in you, and you’ve gone and done it all on your own. You’re ready. So, I don’t need to ask.”

Huh.

“It’s a ninja mission, isn’t it?” She continues cordially, tapping her pen against the clipboard. “Kind of exciting, from a civilian’s point of view. Is there anything you want to talk about before you go? Something you want to get off your chest before the long trip?”

Nothing comes to mind right away. He thinks of his team, recovering as best they can while still clinging to him, and he thinks of himself. Then, as if he didn’t expect it, he thinks of someone else.

The thought tumbles out of him in a sentence.

“I have a friend.”

The therapist looks up and Kakashi swears there’s a sparkle to her eye.

“Want to tell me about them?”

She puts her clipboard down and Kakashi talks.

It’s unexpectedly easy.

“His name is Yamato. He’s been around, on the edges of everything while this all happened. I didn’t notice him until recently, but he’s a person I’ve known for a while. We might have been friends before, but I don’t think we ever really classified our relationship.”

“Until recently.”

Kakashi nods.

“I asked him to be my friend.”

The therapist, whose job it is to be keen about these things, nods knowingly, and waits a moment to see if Kakashi will continue.

“…he has feelings, for me,” he adds, because it’s probably important.

The therapist doesn’t bat an eye about the fact that it’s a man and not a woman.

“And how do you feel about him?”

Kakashi doesn’t respond right away. He hasn’t had time to examine how he feels, other than not ready. He knows Yamato as a fellow ANBU, knows his skills and his strengths, knows how he can handle a blade and make wood come spiraling out of the ground with a life of its own, but there’s so much he doesn’t know. Would their personalities mesh or collide? Would they have complimentary tastes in food, does Yamato like dogs? Does he snore when he sleeps? Does he know being with Kakashi would mean being with a friend-killer? He’s still got Obito and Rin’s blood on his hands. Someone like him isn’t anywhere near ready to consider a relationship outside of killing people. These are all things that he should probably say.

But the therapist doesn’t press further, doesn’t push him to talk about it. She waits until it’s clear Kakashi isn’t going to answer her first question and offers another instead.

“Is he coming on the mission, too?”

There’s no disappointment that he doesn’t have anything more to say or can’t answer her original question. There’s no judgment of any kind that he’s making friends with a man who might want more than friendship out of him. There’s just an open ear with a calm expression.

He’s grateful, and it feels a little bit better every time he’s able to admit more, so Kakashi musters himself and gives a reply.

“He won’t be directly involved but I suspect he will shadow us from a distance. In case something goes wrong with Naruto. He’s able to contain the Nine Tailed Fox Spirit.”

“I see. Speaking of your student, has he approached you recently?”

Kakashi nods, feeling his throat close up.

He’s tried to forget to no avail. He doesn’t particularly want to hold on to the memory of his thirteen-year-old student, naked on his bed, touching himself with Kakashi’s name on his lips. The image haunts him. He can’t forget it.

But maybe the therapist will help.

“He was in my room, on my bed. Naked.”

He pauses for a long time. It’s difficult to describe, even though the memory is crystal clear in his mind. Probably because it’s terrible to say it out loud and hear what happened.

“…he started touching himself, and then, he asked me to touch him.”

The memory of smooth thighs and blonde curls comes back at the edges of his vision. He feels an awful shudder go down his spine.

“And did you? Touch him.”

The voice is different, in Kakashi’s head. Accusing. Disapproving. When he chances a glance to the woman’s face, though, it’s devoid of expression. She almost looks like a mannequin. It’s mildly unnerving.

“_No_,” he says thickly. His hands have balled up into fists.

“Okay.”

He stares at her. She remains placid, quiet and calm, docile in her seat. He should know by now that she’s not going to make him talk about anything he’s not prepared for. It’s part of the reason he feels so open to coming here, knowing he won’t be pushed, cautiously comfortable in the knowledge that he isn’t forced to say anything he doesn’t want to.

It’s safe here.

But he also knows that he’s not going to get any better if he stays silent, running away from the problem. He’s not going to stop drowning in guilt with the gravity of what he’s done to his students. He’s a coward, so of course he doesn’t want to, but it can’t be about him, because it’s not just him that will benefit from this. He’s doing this for his team.

He’s got to talk about it if he ever wants to get over it. So Kakashi licks his lips and moves forward.

“I didn’t. But I think I was going to. Touch him.”

“Oh? But you didn’t.”

“I might have.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because he asked me to and I started to walk toward him,” Kakashi reveals quietly, eyes cast down at the floor. “Because if I didn’t stop myself I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Well,” the therapist asks in a completely normal voice, “did you want to?”

He’s struck dumb again. Same question, different person.

It should be an easy question to answer.

Did you want to touch him?

No.

No, he doesn’t want to touch his students like that. The thought makes Kakashi nauseous. For all that he reads trashy romance novels in public he is absolutely NOT a pervert that wants to put his hands on the teenagers in his care.

He’s never wanted to do anything sexual with his students.

He doesn’t want to touch them.

_But you need to_, he hears, remembers, and the edge of his vision darkens. _It’s the only way._

_I don’t want to,_ Kakashi tells himself, but it’s inevitable, because logically he knows that there’s no way back to medical assistance in time for them to be treated.

_They’re your responsibility. You let this happen to them._

He's got no choice. 

_They need you._

Kakashi feels his stomach twist at the thought of the task before him. _But there's no time for feelings._ His students's _lives_ are at stake. He doesn't have the luxury to allow himself to feel anything about the situation. 

_This is something you have to do._

“Hatake-san?”

Kakashi looks up, blinking somehwhat rapidly. There's a thin veil of sweat on his brow. 

The therapist has let her guard down a bit; she looks concerned.

The thought produces a sinking feeling.

Therapy is supposed to make things better. The whole point of this is to go back to normal and normal is not molesting his team. _It’s supposed to help,_ Kakashi thinks a little angrily as his hands clench, fingernails biting into the sensitive flesh of his palm. He tries to use that sting as grounding, clenching harder to produce enough pain to pull him out of the sensation of falling, of slipping down.

It works.

The pain is nothing compared to what he’s felt before in the heat of battle but here in the therapist’s office it’s enough of a jolt to drive away the darkness in his peripheral sight. Slowly, he relaxes, and his breathing returns to normal. A few moments later he swallows and slumps back into the chair. The therapist's voice cuts through the thick fog of disappointment descending down on Kakashi's brain. 

“Hatake-san? Do you want to answer the question now?”

Kakashi looks down at his palms for a long time before he shakes his head.

He’s said so much. He’s allowed to be a coward again, now, after.

“I want to try something,” the therapist says, and turns in her big chair. She produces a small bottle of pills and holds them out. “I have a theory. While you’re on your mission, take these twice a day, every 12 hours if you can, orally. There’s a two week supply in there, so it should cover your trip.”

She hands over the pills. Kakashi pockets them mechanically and stands to leave. 

“Medicine twice a day. Anything else?”

The therapist regards him for a while with a kind expression.

“Don’t beat yourself up.”

Kakashi tries not to stare at her. He doesn’t quite succeed at disguising his surprise, and her lips quirk up into a half smile.

“We’ve made good progress but there were bound to be points when you felt like things aren’t going as planned. The road to recovery isn’t a straight line. The path to being better has lots of pot holes and slipping slopes. Don’t get bogged down if we backtrack a bit. What’s most important is that you always have your eyes on where you want to end up, on who you want to become when we’re done. Do you remember when we outlined our goals for therapy?”

Kakashi nods but can’t quite shake the sensation of failure.

“Thank you for your time. I’ll be sure to medicate.”

Then he vanishes in a swirl of leaves.

+

“We’re going out of the village?”

Kakashi looks up from folding sushi with ungloved fingers. Sakura is half leaning on the countertop in front of him, almost within arm’s reach. It’s something he wouldn’t have noticed before but he looks for it now, how close she’s willing to come. Lately it’s been closer and closer. Kakashi feels that somehow that’s a win and he nods at her.

“I took an escort mission for us.”

“Not to Suna.”

Kakashi carefully doesn’t freeze. He rolls the sushi up and rolls it a few more times to make sure it’s wrapped up neat and tight. Then he picks up the kitchen knife and a wet towel. He keeps moving, keeps working, doesn’t let himself freeze up at the thought of Suna. As he’s slicing the sushi he realizes Sakura is fidgeting.

Ah. He hasn’t said anything.

“Not to Suna,” he agrees, half disappointed in himself. But then the therapist’s voice repeats in his head.

_Don’t beat yourself up._

He’s going to make mistakes. And that’s oaky.

He nods to himself and sets out the sushi on a serving platter. Sakura watches him with eyes that don’t seem to blink. He tries not to get caught up on what to say. He wouldn’t, normally, but he doesn’t want to set her off so close to the trip. So that’s what he talks about.

“It’s to Land of Tea. There’s a merchant that’s requested protection for transporting some rare varieties of tea leaves. We’ll meet them at Tanazuka Gai and escort them to the borders of the Land. There’s a shinobi team from the Wagarashi Family that we’ll meet up with who will protect them after us. Travel time should be 2-4 days in and out, for a total of 4-8, depending on weather and conflict on the road.”

He transports the sushi rolls to the table which is set for five.

Sakura glances back and forth between Kakashi and the fifth place setting, intrigued.

Kakashi shifts his weight side to side before speaking. 

“Sakura. Could I ask a favor of you? Can you find Yamato-sensei and invite him to dinner with us? He’s been a big help, and we probably won’t see him for a while.”

Sakura appraises Kakashi from a distance but there’s a slowly growing smile on her lips.

She nods and disappears deeper into the house to gather the others. 

Maybe things aren’t going well for him, Kakashi thinks as he sets the table, but clearly, therapy is doing good for some of them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big step in a positive direction.

They set off the next day. Yamato sees them off with minimal fanfare, corning Naruto when he thinks Kakashi isn’t looking (but he’s _always_ looking at his team these days) to give him a truly frightening glance and a hushed warning in a voice just above a whisper.

The four of them travel in silence for maybe six minutes before Naruto starts ribbing Sasuke.

The familiar sound of bickering fills the air. Kakashi reminds them of their surroundings when things get too loud but it’s actually a comforting background noise. They trade insults as easily as breathing while keeping up the pace Kakashi sets. It’s a testament to how well they’re growing as ninjas that they can barely disturb the leaves of the trees as they vault toward their destination.

Kakashi is assaulted by a memory of how another of his students has grown: plump and supple expanses of sweet, smooth flesh, and two pert pink nipples. He hears Sakura’s voice, high and breathy against his neck, saying, '_Please, Kakashi-sensei--'_

He misses his next step and nearly slams into a tree.

The genin are close enough to see him take an awkward recovery hop and their conversation stops. He can feel their eyes on them as he redoubles his efforts to focus on his current surroundings, on what’s real and right in front of him, trying to leave the ghost image of his naked student far behind.

It’s Sasuke who leaves the other two to catch up beside him.

Sasuke says nothing comforting. He says nothing at all, in fact, but his presence is enough to help ground Kakashi. He focuses on the way they run side by side. The sound of their sandals carrying them through the trees is soft but sharp. Kakashi chances a glance at the younger man as they move and is faintly impressed by the sight. Even at this pace, Sasuke looks relaxed and battle-ready.

They travel silently for some time. Eventually Sasuke falls back, satisfied that Kakashi is back in control, and the insults start up again. Kakashi has never been more grateful for the sound of the two boys bickering. He focuses on that until they’re close enough to their destination to walk.

At his signal they drop down onto the road. Sakura jogs up and keeps pace half a step behind him. He gives her a curious glance in time to see her sign: _what happened?_

“Slipped.”

Her eyebrows scrunch together a bit and her lips pull into a frown.

_Liar_, she signs. _What happened?_

Kakashi stops walking.

He’s not sure if telling the truth is a good idea in this case. But he can tell the truth without being specific, and Sakura deserves better from him than trying to take the easy way out. He glances back at the boys, who are preoccupied with each other, nearly to the point of throwing fists, and speaks in a very low voice.

“I was distracted by a memory.”

Sakura thinks about this. Then she signs, _Hallucinations_?

Kakashi means to shake his head.

Of course he isn’t hallucinating.

He’s not that bad off.

But then again, maybe he is, he thinks slowly, considering the validity of Sakura’s question-suggestion. Apparently he isn’t as well off as he’s been trying to tell himself.

He _has_ been seeing things, he realizes belatedly. The images aren’t just memories that play like a movie on the surface of his mind. They crop up into his vision and distort the world around him. The sounds and smells and sights are vivid as when they first happened. It overtakes his senses completely, as though he’s living them again.

He’s dropping out of reality and into momentary delusion.

He should probably tell his therapist.

Then, he remembers their last conversation.

Kakashi goes for his pack so quickly that Sakura hops back to be out of arm’s reach.

“Sorry,” he says as he pushes past the fresh wave of guilt boiling up inside of him: _you made her this way, she’s like this because of **you**_. He digs out the bottle he’d been given, flips it over and reads through the list of drugs. Some he recognizes but others he doesn’t. There isn’t a compound that stands out to him, so he waves to Sakura.

“Catch.”

She does, cautiously, and turns the bottle over in her hands. Her eyes zip down the list of ingredients and widen.

She looks back up and there’s sympathy swimming in seafoam green.

Instead of tossing the bottle back and keeping her distance, she trots over to hand it back, pointing at a specific compound with a long name.

“Anti-hallucinogen,” she whispers.

_Of course_, Kakashi thinks as he cracks it open and takes a pill in hand. It’s white and plain. He turns it over for another moment before dry swallowing it. There’s no immediate effect physically, but there’s a brief rush of hope as Kakashi caps the bottle to put it away.

Maybe things will be different now.

“Thank you, Sakura-chan.”

“What’s that?” Naruto asks as he and Sasuke bring up the rear. He doubles over as Sasuke jabs him with an elbow. “Oof! Sasuke, you bastard! That hurt!”

“Couldn’t see that coming? Idiot.”

“Oh, yeah? Let’s see how you like it!”

Sasuke ducks the elbow Naruto throws in retaliation and they skirt around Sakura and Kakashi, completely absorbed in maiming one another.

_This is how things are **supposed** to be,_ Kakashi thinks as he pockets the bottle and calls after them not to get lost. Sakura stays an arm’s length away but trots along beside him. Her presence is comfortable and silent, like Sasuke’s.

They follow the sound of the boys squabbling nearly to the gates of the village. Kakashi hands over a portion of the mission funds and instructs them to rent a room and procure dinner. They’ll start their journey after midnight, moving under the cover of night. He meets with the client while his team carries out their objective. While the element of danger is present, all the set pieces move precisely as they’re predicted to. Thus the first part of their trip is uneventful.

+

Once the client is secured, Kakashi meets up with his team. There’s a faint chakra trail that leads him in the wrong direction of the hotel Sakura has sent him an encrypted address to. He praises his team as soon as he finishes lining the room with standard security seals.

“Very impressive misdirection. Whose idea was that?”

Sasuke and Sakura look back at the beaming third member of their team. Naruto’s grin is cheeky.

“Eh he he! It was mine! Kakashi-sensei.” His mouth quirks and he gives the older man an unexpectedly saucy look. “Can I get a reward for such good thinking?”

Sasuke groans before Kakashi can manage an answer.

“Can you _please_ not proposition Kakashi-sensei while we’re on a mission? I already have to put up with you trying to be handsy back at home.”

Naruto colors and starts to reply, when the sound of Sakura’s voice surprises all of them.

“Home.” She looks a bit nervy as they all stare at her, but determinedly continues. “You called it home, Sasuke-kun.”

“So he did,” Kakashi murmurs, though it barely carries through the mask and the overwhelming sense of disbelief.

Sasuke himself seems unrepentant about this slip of tongue.

There is, however, a hint of pink rising up against his pale cheeks.

“Well, isn’t it? We live there. We eat there. We train out back. Our clothes are there, it’s where we come back to.” His color deepens as Naruto and Sakura stare during his short rant. Sasuke crosses his arms over his chest testily. “It’s easier to say than 'Kakashi-sensei’s house', alright?”

Sakura stifles a giggle behind her hand, which causes Naruto to snort a laugh. They share a look of amusement as Sasuke goes tomato-red.

“Admit it,” Naruto teases. “It’s because that’s where all your precious people are. That’s why it’s home!”

Kakashi catches Sasuke by the back of his shirt as he dives in Naruto’s direction.

He’s setting the black-haired boy down and de-escalating by loudly talking about their route tomorrow when he realizes this is the first time he’s handled any of his students since, well. Since he’s had his hands on them. He and Sasuke take it well, he hopes as he releases Sasuke’s shirt and steps back, still talking. Sasuke just straightens his clothing and throws Naruto an annoyed look, clearly flustered but not panicking. Likewise, he isn’t assaulted by images or memory.

They’re okay.

There’s a moment when Sasuke shoots him a glance. Kakashi considers him a moment and offers a nod, calm and collected. It says what he needs to say without making him say it: Everything is alright. I’m fine, and you’re fine. We’re okay now.

It’s the right thing to do. Sasuke takes the silent reassurance and his color returns to normal. There’s even the smallest smirk settling back onto his lips. For the first time, Kakashi is relieved to see it.

“Alright. Well I don’t want first watch! I wanna go to sleep. G’night!”

Naruto helps himself to Kakashi’s sleeping bag, sliding in with a cheerful grin. He’s tucked in before Sasuke finishes his noise of annoyance.

Kakashi shakes his head and clears his throat.

“Actually, I wanted to take first watch with you, Naruto. Or are you too tired?”

The blonde practically erupts out from his stolen sleeping spot, scrambling for his shoes and forehead protector. Sasuke squints suspiciously as the two of them head out together.

_‘I hope you know what you’re doing,_’ his eyes seem to say.

Kakashi sends a knowing look back his way, before heading out after his student.

+

Naruto’s energy is buzzing, nearly alive, when Kakashi catches up with him. He’s so excited he’s practically vibrating. Kakashi walks them far enough away from the room that the other two won’t hear.

“Naruto.”

“Yeah? Sensei.”

“I’ll take first watch myself. You three need your rest for tomorrow. But I wanted to talk to you, alone.”

Naruto smiles and in the dim light of the hallway Kakashi can tell it’s not cocky; it’s nervy with eagerness. The blonde is barely restraining himself. His hands keep opening and closing, fingertips ready to reach out and touch. Naruto’s eyes brighten at once at the mention of speaking to him, _alone_.

It’s a bit dangerous, Kakashi thinks, because he remembers their earlier conversation, and Yamato’s distinction. It is true that Kakashi has purposely not sought Naruto out. He’s a little unsure of what will happen, now that it's just the two of them.

It might be a bit of a gamble but it’s necessary. Things have gone on long enough. He’s been too kind, too weak to say something strict enough to his student to truly deter him from his unwanted advances. But they’re out of Konoha on a mission. Their lives are on the line again. Kakashi can’t afford to have any distractions.

He’s half expecting to see something painfully erotic when he looks in Naruto’s direction, but tonight all he sees is his awkward thirteen-year-old student, nearly twisting with how much he wants to initiate some form of physical contact. Kakashi can clearly distinguish what’s in front of him and that makes it okay.

He can do this.

“Naruto. Enough.”

The blonde freezes at the tone.

“Kakashi-sensei? What do you mean, enough?”

“I mean enough with pursuing me. I don’t return your affection. I don’t like it when you do things like try to touch me, or crawl into my sleeping space. You need to stop doing these sort of things or there will be consequences.”

Naruto frowns.

“Consequences? But, you like it, too.”

“I do not. I’ve asked you as kindly as I can. I’m going to start asking more bluntly, until you understand.”

Kakashi keeps his voice level, and it’s simple, because he is talking to Naruto, who he doesn’t want climbing into his bed at night, who he doesn’t want naked beneath his sheets. It’s easy, because he can tell off an unruly teenager, because he doesn’t have to struggle with the ghost image of Naruto drugged out of his mind, needing to be touched, looking at him with hopeful ardent eyes.

It’s just him and Naruto.

It’s easy, then, to say no.

Naruto grits his teeth and reaches out to him.

Kakashi stops his hand.

“**No**, Naruto.”

The blonde seems to realize Kakashi isn’t going to budge on this. There’s a brief struggle behind blue eyes, mind working lightning quick, before the fight seems to slump out of the younger man and Naruto drops his hand.

“But… before… didn’t you want to do it, again? I asked you if we could.”

The memory that brings up is distant and vague, doesn’t seep over the edges of his vision and cloud reality, doesn’t steal away the sight of Naruto considering the floorboards with petulant disappointment. He remembers and it doesn’t suck him in, and Kakashi recognizes for the first time the depth of his trauma. The medicine is keeping everything the way it should be. It’s just him and Naruto discussing his inappropriate behavior. He doesn’t want to reach out and meet the younger man half way, doesn’t see anything but what’s right in front of him.

This is what he’s aspiring to, Kakashi thinks triumphantly, and he’s able to reply without any further hesitation.

“Naruto. We can never do that again.”

He watches as the blonde’s face crumples, watches him run off with jerky steps out into the streets at night. He isn’t overwhelmed by the intense need to chase after him.

He does eventually send Sasuke to retrieve him.

+

The two boys are dragging their feet and talking. Kakashi hangs around, unseen, on the adjacent rooftops as they walk back toward the hotel. He trusts their ability to navigate back to the hotel but pure curiosity has got the better of him. Sasuke maintains his permanent half-annoyed half-disinterested facade while he’s escorting Naruto, who’s finished sulking and has moved on to radiating petulance. From what Kakashi can hear, he’s complaining about therapy.

“I just don’t get it,” Naruto grumbles as he ambles on alongside his dark-haired teammate. “How does it get better?”

Sasuke keeps his eyes trained on the streets, but there’s a hint of sympathy in his words when he speaks.

“It just does.”

“When?”

“Eventually. You just have to keep going.”

“Do you just try to forget everything?”

“That works, for some people. I don’t think it works like that, for us, with this. We can’t just pretend it never happened. We have to confront it and deal with it before it ruins us any further.”

“I don’t think we’re ruined.”

Sasuke’s laugh is low.

“When was the last time you heard Sakura try to ask me on a date? When was the last time we’ve sparred, in hand to hand? It’s changed all of us. Me, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei. And _you_.”

“There’s nothing _wrong_ with me!”

The two of them stop in the middle of the deserted street in the late hours of twilight. Even in the darkness Kakashi can make out the clear lines of irritated disbelief on the younger man’s face.

“How long are you going to keep throwing yourself at Kakashi-sensei? It’s pitiful. He clearly doesn’t like you like that. How do you think Sakura would feel if you tried to touch her and didn’t listen when she said no?”

Naruto’s face is etched with horror.

“I would _never_,” he protests vehemently.

Sasuke makes a frustrated noise.

“Then why is it different with him?”

Kakashi feels oddly grateful. He hasn’t been able to get through to Naruto but by the look of things Sasuke very well might.

“You’re so convinced it’s love,” he continues, “wouldn’t he sweep you off your feet, if it was love? Wouldn’t he make sure you couldn’t look at anyone else?”

“He’s… it’s, it’s not like that. He…”

Naruto sounds very close to tears. Sasuke presses his advantage, stepping in close and speaking so softly Kakashi nearly misses it.

“He did all that to save us, idiot. He didn’t touch us out of some twisted, secret desire to take advantage. When have you caught him looking at any of us that way?”

“He’s always reading those books,” Naruto mumbles, but it’s unsure. He’s caving.

Sasuke senses weakness and pounces.

“He thinks of us like his own family. We’re like his _kids_, Naruto. He loves us the way moms and dads do. It’s _that_ kind of love. Why else do you think he tried to kill himself, after? Or did you forget about that? It hurt us, but it hurt _him_, too. It hurt him so deeply he thought nothing he _ever_ did would make up for it," Sasuke snarls, eyes Sharingan red.

"Do you get it, dead-last? It hurt him so bad _he cut out his guts_!”

The blonde makes a choked noise and does drop down to his knees in the street, shaking his head. Sasuke drops with him, takes a knee in the dirt beside the other boy. He reaches out with a twitchy hand. He musters his courage and, to Kakashi’s surprise, manages to initiate contact with the blonde.

Blue eyes glance up in shock.

Sasuke keeps his hand on Naruto’s shoulder, lips firm even as his fingers tremble. He doesn’t let go.

Naruto cracks, face too full of emotions to name. He lunges forward and throws his arms around Sasuke.

Sasuke doesn’t quite panic but his face goes stark white for a moment. Then, when it’s clear Naruto is just hugging him, seeking the crook of his neck for warmth and comfort in his moment of turmoil, Sasuke’s arms come down to hold him back. His hands continue to tremble even as he tries to pat Naruto’s back soothingly. There’s murmured words, soft sounds of comfort, which Kakashi stops expending effort listening in on.

Finally, things truly seem to be headed in the right direction. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by a comment to sneak a peek at everyone else's therapy sessions.
> 
> Thank you for all the encouragement. I'll work diligently to deliver the rest in due time.

They escort their charge to Tea Country without running into a single conflict. The biggest delay to their return home is an eating challenge that Sakura thoroughly trounces them all on. Kakashi wonders why he created such a monster as he downs a cup of cool cow’s milk to chase the scorch of hot pepper steak. Sakura snickers, though, and steals his remaining beef, and the sound of her laughter is answer enough.

Yamato greets them at the edge of the village and can’t hide his surprise when Kakashi asks him out to lunch. His team eyes the two of them suspiciously but Kakashi shoos them off to celebrate being back home by handing them their portion of the mission pay. Naruto crows in delight and stuffs his frog-wallet full. Sasuke tucks the bills away and turns to Sakura, who is speaking softly in his direction. He nods, then pauses to indicate their third teammate with a tilt of his head.

Sakura blinks a bit owlishly, then signs something too quick for Kakashi to follow.

Whatever it was makes Sasuke’s face go tomato-red, and puts a blinding grin on Sakura’s face.

“I do **not**,” Sasuke hisses.

_‘You do,’_ Sakura signs cheerfully. ‘_You SO do.’_

“Stop talking with your hands, he’ll _see you_,” Sasuke demands, holding a hand out to his pink-haired teammate.

Sakura makes a determined face and, after gathering herself, reaches out to take it.

_‘You do,_’ Sakura signs with one hand, even as Sasuke huffs and grabs Naruto by the collar of his jacket.

“Hey! What the hell? Sasuke? Let go! Hey, hey, I’m gonna trip! Sakura-chan? Where are we going?”

Sakura starts to sign with one hand. Abruptly, Sasuke starts walking faster.

“Shut up and come on, dead-last!” he snaps, cheeks hot, though he doesn’t let go of either teammate, and the three of them disappear together among the throng of villagers.

Huh.

“Things seem to be going very well, indeed,” Kakashi mutters to himself.

“What’s that?”

The silver-haired man turns back to Yamato. He holds out his hand. Yamato blinks down at the hand for a moment before reaching out to take it.

“Just surprised,” Kakashi says as he starts to walk.

“You’re holding my hand,” Yamato points out as they follow the kids in the direction of the shopping district where all the food stalls are. His face is carefully blank but the tips of his ears give him away, a delicate shade of pink.

Kakashi looks down to where their fingers are indeed threaded together and he nods.

“I’d like to. I can stop, if you don’t want to.”

Yamato half smiles.

“It… no, that’s fine. I just think it’s a bit dangerous. People might get the wrong impression. We’re just friends, after all, aren’t we?”

“We could be.”

Kakashi enjoys the stunned silence as Yamato processes this.

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“Not about being friends with you.”

Yamato’s voice isn’t quite breathless with hope, but it’s bubbling up beneath his words as he speaks. “Kakashi-sempai. It’s still very early. I want to help you. You said you want to focus on your team—“

Kakashi stops walking and turns to face Yamato.

“Thank you. As for this, I don’t know if I like you or not. I’m still trying to figure things out. But,” he holds up their hands where he’s yet to let go of Yamato’s fingers twined in his, “this feels good. I know I like that. I like your company. I don’t know what else I’m ready for but I figured I could try this much. Do you mind?”

Yamato shakes his head and there’s a smile on his lips and in his eyes. The sight of it eases something heavy in Kakashi’s chest. That’s got to be good, right?

No images flash across his memory or distort reality. It’s just him and Yamato deciding on where to go to lunch.

Kakashi gives the hand in his an experimental squeeze, and feels a smile form under the mask when Yamato’s ears light up.

“How do you feel about sushi?”

+

**Sakura**

Yamato says goodbye at the door and she waits for her turn. The two doors that lead in or out of this room are locked. 

There’s a knock. The first time she heard it it had sent her into nervous shivers. Now she smiles and rises to greet the woman that opens the door.

“Welcome back, Haruno-san.”

She lets Sakura walk in and waits until Sakura’s watching to lock the door. There’s a deadbolt and a door knob lock, easy obstacles, but then the woman activates the paper seals on the back of the door, and a familiar wall of chakra oozes into existence like a warm blanket, covering the room, protecting them.

They’re safe here.

Sakura takes a deep breath in and feels relief.

“What would you like to do today, Haruno-san?”

Sea-foam green eyes rove over the options. There are paint sets and books, scrolls and brushes for drawing or writing, and a full-body swim suit. Sakura considers all the options available and settles on what she feels like, pointing at the stereo.

The therapist smiles at her.

“Would you like to dance?”

Sakura’s smile is soft and small, but as the music comes on and fills the room, it grows.

+

The days after their out-of-village mission settle into a relaxing monotony.

Kakashi takes his pills. The kids go to therapy. Yamato hangs around and, occasionally, they hold hands.

Naruto vacillates between sending him longing looks and quiet frustration for the first few days after he sees it. Sakura takes him aside before Kakashi figures out what he wants to do about it, and suddenly the issue is dropped in exchange for merciless teasing from all three genin.

Sasuke has this way of smirking that clearly says ‘Oh, yeah? _Him_?’ Sakura keeps signing ‘boyfriend’ and pointing eagerly at Yamato, and ‘ask him, ask him’ as often as she can. Naruto goes the other route, and tries giving Yamato all sorts of hints as to what Kakashi-sensei likes, what kind of food he’s into, what weapons he likes to train with, and hey, do you like dogs?

Despite his student’s pestering, he and Yamato aren’t actually a thing.

They’re just friends.

Kakashi isn’t ready for more than that. They have a discussion about boundaries, because one day Yamato gets this determined look in his eyes and leans in, looking cute and a little nervous, but it’s too soon, and Kakashi ends up on the opposite side of the village in a bit of a frantic flash-step to get away. When Yamato eventually tracks him down at day’s end and they both try to apologize at the same time, they laugh about it, and everything’s still okay.

Maybe they could be a couple eventually, one day.

But for now, Yamato is very, very okay with just being around.

The five of them finish off a round of D-rank missions in the village and disperse for the day. That is to say, they all head back toward Kakashi’s house, together. Sakura and Sasuke are having a signed conversation about dinner. Kakashi catches ‘onions’ and ‘more garlic’, and wonders what they’re planning.

Something bumps his elbow. Kakashi raises an eyebrow at the distraction.

“Let them surprise you,” Yamato suggests with a smile.

Kakashi is struck with how much he likes the sight of it: Yamato’s smile. He finds his cheeks a bit warm, and, not trusting his mouth, nods.

Yamato steps away from his side as Sasuke calls for him. They’re going shopping for vegetables. Kakashi waves them off. Sakura grins and winks at him, pointing at Yamato’s back as he heads into the market with Sasuke.

_‘Don’t worry! He likes you, too!’_

Kakashi tries not to look too exasperated.

“Go on, before you lose them,” he scolds, though his heart isn’t in it. Sakura knows and gives him a cheeky look as she skips off after the rest of their group.

Then it’s just him and Naruto.

But he’s not worried.

For the first time in days, in weeks, he isn’t on edge just existing beside the blonde. He isn’t terrified of what might happen with just the two of them. They walk, side by side, close enough to touch, and nothing else happens. Naruto’s eyes still dart to him but Kakashi can ignore it, and, eventually it stops.

Now, it’s just him and his student walking together back through the market, headed home.

Home.

It’s a thought with mixed feelings attached. Kakashi still finds it endearing that Sasuke called it that. Home. But with the addition of his students that’s what it’s become again. He never thought he’d see the Hatake clan grounds full of life after the death of his father.

A hand drifts to his stomach as he walks.

The scar is white. It cleaves him nearly in two, in a clean, diagonal line that begins just under one rib and glides across his abdomen, over his navel and stomach, and ends at his opposite hip bone.

There are days when it’s easier to forget that it’s even there.

There are days when it’s the only part of him that still feels real.

It goes with him now, everywhere, hidden beneath layers of clothing. Some days it aches. Other days it’s painless as the scar over his best friend’s eye, silent, but still present. Humbling.

He won’t let himself forget.

But it’s time to be better. For himself and his students.

+

**Sasuke**

“What about now?”

Sasuke frowns, but not as deeply as he has before.

“It’s still his fault.”

“Of course,” the man agrees mildly. “He’s an adult. He takes full responsibility. Of course.”

_Of course,_ Sasuke agrees in his head. _It’s his fault._

“Do you still hate him?”

“Every day.”

“But you understand that holding on to that hate is burning a hole inside of you,” the man presses, gently. “Resentment always festers. That lingering wound will only grow if you let it.”

“How can I forgive him?” Sasuke snorts, arms crossed over his chest. “What he did was unforgivable.”

“Indeed. But he is still someone precious to you?”

Sasuke doesn’t answer, which the therapist correctly takes as a positive response.

He also correctly interprets that Sasuke has no more to say on the matter.

“Thank you, Sasuke-kun. I know talking about it is difficult. I appreciate that you were willing to discuss it for so long this time.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke huffs, tries to look unaffected at the therapist’s words. “It’s whatever. Supposed to get better. If we talk about it.”

“Eventually. Everybody heals at their own pace.”

There’s a familiar silence.

The therapist takes a quiet breath in and asks his next question.

“So we know how you feel about Itachi. Do you think today is the day you can tell me how you feel about your teacher?”

+

“Welcome back.” The therapist pauses, clearly assessing him. “You look well-rested.”

Kakashi shrugs.

“The mission was a success.”

“In more ways than one,” the therapist guesses, tapping her pen against the top of the clipboard with a slowly growing smile. “What would you like to talk about today?”

He’s preemptively given that question plenty of thought. Kakashi has been ready for this for a couple of days, now. He’s taken his pills, and escorted the kids to and from their own therapy since returning to the village. He’s taking very slow steps with Yamato towards whatever they decide to become. He can keep a calm, steady mind in battle and during training.

Everything is okay now.

So he doesn’t need to keep wasting hours coming to therapy.

“I’d like to talk about stopping. I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me up till now. Without you, there’s no way I could have come so far…”

He stops talking because the therapist’s smile has faded completely.

“You want to stop,” she repeats.

Kakashi can admit he expected some sort of resistance. He’s even prepared for it. He produces an envelope from his vest, rather thick, that contains his portion of the funds set aside for therapy. It lands on the table with a soft sound.

“I don’t mind paying you in full for the services we requested.”

“Hatake-san, I told you, no body does this for money,” the therapist says, setting aside her clipboard with a concerned look. “We aren’t done yet.”

“Isn’t that up to me?”

The woman frowns rather deeply.

“…while it is up to you whether you continue coming to these sessions, I highly recommend that you reconsider. You’ve made amazing progress! That much is true. You’re still taking the pills I prescribed?”

“Twice a day,” Kakashi agrees. “As prescribed.”

“I was afraid this might happen,” she says gently. “Hatake-san, you have to understand, just because things seem good now doesn’t mean you’re finished with therapy. We have so much more to talk about.”

“What’s left to fix?” Kakashi asks. “I’m no longer hallucinating. We’ve covered that I never actually wanted to molest my students. I honestly don’t see the point in future visits. No offense, of course.”

“None taken. But! If you’ll just consider…”

Kakashi shakes his head. He doesn’t need to continue coming if there’s no benefit. The therapist trails off. Eventually she firms the line of her mouth and turns over her clipboard. Her pen is a blur. Kakashi blinks as a strip of paper is thrust in his direction.

“This is good for one refill,” she says shortly. “Please, come back if you run out.”

Kakashi nods, though he doubts he’ll need it.

“Thank you. For everything,” he says as he stands.

From the look of it, the therapist has more to say, so, coward that he is, Kakashi ducks out before she has the chance to speak.

He ignores the shadow of guilt trying to creep up the back of his neck. He’s _fine_. Everything’s pretty much better now so he can’t keep wasting hours sitting and speaking with some civilian woman. His team needs him.

When he gets far enough away he pauses to turn the prescription over in one hand.

It was one thing to have the medication just handed to him. The therapist doesn’t understand, obviously, what Kakashi would have to go through if he needed a refill. He’d have to go to the pharmacy. Someone might see him. He’d have to ask for the medicine. Someone might overhear what he’s taking, and word might get out: Hatake Kakashi is on psych drugs. He might as well paint a target on his back in bright red paint.

There’s no way he could put himself or his team at risk that way.

It’s the matter of a few hand signs to summon the familiar orange-red flames of a Katon-style Jutsu.

Besides, he thinks as he leaves the pile of ash behind him in the alley, he forgot to take a pill the other day and was just fine. He’ll drop down to one pill a day. He hasn’t had a memory overtake his senses in days.

It’s obvious he’s getting over it.

+

**Naruto**

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Hey! Look, you punk, stop tearing up my magazines and listen! This isn’t acceptable at all! My goodness. Sexual feelings for a man twice your age? Of course he has no such feelings towards you. He’s your instructor! You’re his student! It’s completely inappropriate. Now. Come, come, stop moping. Here. Have a tissue. There we go. Oh, stop carrying on so! All this weeping. You’re far too old to cry. Are you a baby? Then stop all that fussing! Here, have some water. That’s better. Now, pay attention! The sooner we come to some kind of conclusion the less we have to see of each other. Right! Now, tell me, so I can write down our progress. How do you feel about what happened? Sorry? Young man, I cannot understand you when you’re sobbing. Do stop, and try to answer the question, if you please? Blast, we’ve run out of time again. If you wouldn’t be so sensitive… Look, wipe your face off, there’s snot everywhere. Your guardian will come back any minute. Let’s put a smile on that face. Chin up! Right. Same time next week?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Minor trigger warning **for minor flash backs of non-con. Sorry if that bothers you, but it's a continuing theme, until things improve. If you've read any of my other stories, you know things tend to get worse before they get better. I do have better planned, but everyone has a long way to go before we get there. 
> 
> Cheers for all your comments and kudos. They're very encouraging. I'm taking this must more slowly than previous stories, trying to get things right.

For once in his life, Kakashi feels optimistic.

Things are going well. His student’s recovery seems to be progressing full speed ahead.

Sakura has nearly conquered her aversion to being around people. She’s become more reserved, cautious of where she lets herself be in a crowd, but doesn’t go out of her way to avoid interaction with others.

Sasuke is no longer a simmering cauldron of ire and resentment. He’s nearly back to being the mildly irritating brat he used to be, making trouble with Naruto at every opportunity, though some of their squabbles now devolve into staring matches with bright red cheeks.

And Naruto himself, who used to be fixated on Kakashi, has been successfully sidetracked by the _hint_ of the _possibility_ of the _potential_ that _Sasuke might like him_.

Kakashi should have thrown them at each other _weeks_ ago.

They’re in the very first stages of flirting, which means occasional bragging, that devolves into fighting, that always turns up with one of them way too close to the other, which ends naturally in an even bigger fight than before.

It would be cute if the boys weren’t so stupidly strong.

They’ve wrecked at least one restaurant. Training Ground Six will always smell faintly of Sasuke’s impressive Katon-style Jutsu. There’s been black eyes and bruises, and more than one laceration. Sakura is getting plenty of practice in medical ninjutsu. At least they’ve limited themselves to manageable bodily harm instead of irreparable loss of limb.

Kakashi is currently making the two of them fix the front doors of the library, which they blew clean off during a particularly interesting tussle, by hand, without chakra, while he and Sakura eat dango across the road, supervising.

The experience has been very informative.

For Naruto and Sasuke, it taught them how to repair wooden doors.

For Sakura and Kakashi, it taught them that if something doesn’t happen, soon, the comically high levels of dramatic tension between the boys will escalate into actual violence.

Even after a direct scolding about their actions, Naruto still provokes Sasuke at every opportunity as they fix the library doors, and Sasuke bites back scathingly. They dance around their actual feelings and resort to the shinobi equivalent of hair-pulling on the playground: subtly attacking each other when they think the other isn’t watching.

“Something has to change,” Sakura whispers.

Kakashi nods, watching Naruto nearly impale Sasuke through the shoulder with the hammer he flings at his back.

“Aa. But what?”

Sasuke passes Naruto a saw by sending it sailing over his head, so close that a few blonde hairs end up on the floor.

_‘They have to talk to each other, not just fight.’_

“Those two talk better with their fists, I think.”

_‘What if they’re not ready?’_

Kakashi glances over at the boys briefly, to catch a glimpse of Sasuke deflecting door hinges that have been flung at his face like shuriken. Naruto sticks his tongue out, only to nearly bite it off as Sasuke deliberately steps on his foot when he passes by.

“To talk to each other? They’ll have to, at some point, if they want to have a chance at something besides this stalemate.”

_‘If they talk with their fists it’ll end up going all the way,’_ Sakura signs slowly. ‘_Most likely.’_

Kakashi raises an eyebrow.

She can’t be implying what he thinks she’s implying.

_‘You think they’re going to move so fast?’_ He signs to her, because he can’t quite bring himself to say the words aloud.

Sakura stares at him, then stares across the street, pointing with her empty dango stick where Naruto has frozen where he stands, mouth half-open, cheeks pink, with his wide blue eyes fixed hungrily on the pale expanse of Sasuke’s sweating neck.

He looks _ravenous_.

The expression sends a chill down Kakashi’s spine.

He remembers that same look being directed down at him, and for an instant he’s flat on his back, staring up into blood-red eyes, powerless as wet paper under Naruto’s eager advances.

Then he blinks and the image fades from his vision in time to see Sakura’s expression become a worried one.

_‘Are you okay?’_

“Fine. Just got a little dizzy.”

Sakura frowns at him.

_‘From sitting?’_

Kakashi shakes his head. “It’s been a long day babysitting.”

There’s a crash from across the street and Sakura leaps to her feet. Kakashi has wire around his fingers, ready to restrain the two boys if he needs. Sasuke is scowling and rubbing his cheek where a slat of wood has struck him across the face. Naruto looks no better, spitting out blood and throwing a dark expression straight back at Sasuke’s. There’s a furious energy rising the surface of Naruto’s skin, red and angry and animal, that causes Kakashi to freeze in place.

He recognizes it’s the Nine-Tailed-Fox’s energy, not Naruto’s, so that should make a difference, he thinks as Naruto surges forward with a crackle of red.

But all he can think of is familiar blue eyes gone crimson, of Naruto leering down at him, as he reaches up and casually snaps his forearm, chuckling as Kakashi shudders and goes limp in submission beneath him.

The sound is _awful_.

Kakashi tries to be still, tries to be smaller, inoffensive, to be less somehow. Maybe that way the beast will leave something of him when it’s done taking what it wants.

There’s another sound, though, echoing over the snap of his arm, coming around the low rumbling growl from Naruto’s throat.

His name.

“Kakashi-sensei? Kakashi-sensei!”

When he opens his eye, it’s Sakura, not Naruto, who’s leaning over him. She’s practically vibrating with concern.

It strikes him as odd that she’s looking down from above him. Kakashi considers his surroundings.

Somehow or other he’s ended up flat on his back. He notices Yamato speaking strictly to his other students, who manage to look both suitably chastised by Yamato’s scolding and concerned for him at once.

He glances up as fingers enter his peripheral vision. It’s Sakura. Her eyes are determined and her soft pink lips are pulled into a frown. Her hand is extended out to him in an obvious overture to help him up.

Guiltily, Kakashi reaches to accept it.

She doesn’t flinch at the contact. She pulls her teacher upright with ease that belies her tiny frame, and stays by his side as he sits up. Yamato releases the boys seconds later. They come racing over: Naruto nearly at a run, and Sasuke following behind, trying and failing to look unconcerned that Kakashi was lying in the dirt on the side of the road. Yamato brings up the rear and the four of them hover around with varying degrees of worry. Naruto looks upset and confused. Sasuke hides it better but his eyes are nervously searching every inch of Kakashi, looking for clues to his sudden collapse. Yamato regards him with a mixed expression.

Sakura holds her hand out flat, makes a ‘give me’ gesture.

Kakashi gives her a raised brow. He’ll need a little more than that.

His pink-haired student narrows her eyes.

“Medicine,” she says pointedly, hand still outstretched.

She wants his medication.

He wants to shake his head, to tell her _no, not now, not where everyone can see_. They’re still in the middle of the street and the commotion from earlier has drawn more eyes than he needs knowing he’s on some kind of medication. He doesn’t need to further expose his condition.

Plus, the others still don’t know. It's just him and Sakura and the therapist. He doesn’t need any one else knowing he’s taking drugs to—

“Medicine? What medicine,” Yamato asks.

Kakashi feels his stomach sink.

Sakura holds out her hand expectantly. She’s not going to budge on this. Sasuke backs her, eyes flashing Sharingan red with realization. Naruto, still clueless, but sensing his teammates are united on something, crowds in with the others, creating a semi-circle around his teacher with Sakura and Sasuke. Yamato closes the circle, hands coming together in quick succession to cast a minor direction genjutsu over the five of them, and casting an apprehensive glance Kakashi’s way.

It’s far too late to bluff his way out. He’s caught.

His fingers slip into the pouch at his hip and produce the empty bottle. Sakura reaches out and takes it from him, eyes racing as she reads the fine print down the side of the bottle.

“What’s that?” Naruto asks.

“Obviously it’s some kind of drugs,” Sasuke grunts, elbowing Naruto in the ribs. “Quiet. Sakura’s reading.”

Naruto opens his mouth but doesn’t argue. He glances down to where Sakura is turning the bottle over in her hands. There’s a lot to read.

Yamato regards Kakashi with suspicion now. The look is bad news, Kakashi decides as fresh regret crops up in his gut, making him feel ill as well as nervous. He knows what’s coming before Sakura finishes reading.

“Sensei,” she says softly, and signs the rest. ‘_We should go back home.’_

Kakashi considers pleading his case, then catches the dangerous look Sasuke casts his way, and nods instead.

Yamato releases the genjutsu as they group to head back toward Kakashi’s house. He doesn’t walk at Kakashi’s side the way he normally would. Instead he takes up the rear. Kakashi should say something, should speak up for himself before they get back and Sakura starts in on him, but he can’t.

The silent look cast at his back feels heavier with every step they take.

+

Sakura explains everything back at the house, signing slowly, so everyone can follow.

Then it’s Sasuke that does the actual shouting.

Kakashi says nothing because he deserves it.

Of course he shouldn’t have stopped taking his medicine. Of course he should have told his therapist and gotten a refill. Yes, he put them all in danger; yes, he’s very sorry. It won’t happen again. He’ll make sure to get more at his next appointment.

“And when is that?”

Yamato’s question catches him off guard.

Kakashi doesn’t immediately have a date to produce, which catches him in an outright lie.

Sasuke is _furious_.

“You quit going to therapy?”

Kakashi shouldn’t feel so affectionate at the murderous look in Sasuke’s eyes, but somehow, it’s sweet to know he cares so much.

He’s definitely screwed up, though, and he knows it.

“It’s different,” Kakashi says tiredly. “I’m done. My therapist and I talked through everything and agreed my sessions are over. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t mean to hide it.” He considers mentioning that the therapist has been paid in full, so he doesn’t owe her anything else.

He tries not to remember the disappointed frown, or the anxious energy he put at his back that day.

He’s done.

“I’m finished. Besides, I need to be there for the three of you.”

Sasuke straightens his shoulders. Naruto and Sakura exchange silent looks and a series of quick hand signs. Yamato says nothing. His face is a blank canvas. It’s not unusual to see him looking like his expression has been carved from stone, but somehow Kakashi is struck with a sense of guilt. It’s compounded as his team seems to come to a silent consensus.

“You have to go back.”

It shouldn’t shock him that Sasuke is the one to make the demand.

“I don’t have to anything,” Kakashi disagrees.

“You do. You’re not done.”

The jounin raises an eyebrow. Sasuke meets his gaze with a stone-cold glare.

“You’re wrong,” he says, even before Kakashi opens his mouth to say he is fine and he doesn’t need to go back. Maybe it’s the Sharingan, allowing his student to see into the future. “You think you’re finished but you’re not.”

“Sasuke. I’m fine, now.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m not going to argue with you,” Kakashi warns, a hint of steel behind his tone, “I’m finished.”

“Who decided?” Naruto asks, curious. “Did you get to tell your therapist you were through? Because, y’know, I totally feel okay, too.”

Sasuke shoots him a fierce look. Sakura’s lip trembles but she stands her ground, shaking her head slowly.

“No. Naruto…”

The blonde glances between his teammates and groans. “C’mon, guys. Admit it! It’s a huge, boring waste of time. We just go and talk to people who ask stupid questions and make us do boring things. We could totally be using that time to train, or even to take D-rank missions! Heck, I’d rather train with Yamato-sensei than listen to another long lecture from that old grandpa one more time.”

Kakashi feels curious despite himself.

“You think going to therapy is a waste of time?”

“Well, yeah!” Naruto scoffs, arms folded behind his head in apparent apathy. “All we do is talk about what happened, and how it was wrong, and I liked it, yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to, like, ask you to touch me and stuff, which! I already know.”

He doesn’t seem to mind that both his teammates shrink back at his easy ability to talk about their shared trauma.

Kakashi feels a distant roll of nausea at the thought. He glances to Sakura, and Sasuke, both of whom have edged back from Naruto.

The blonde, oblivious to the growing tension in the room, goes on.

“And sometimes he asks about my life in general? Which, admittedly, has been pretty bad. But! It’s loads better now that I’ve got friends! And a team! The villagers and civilians don’t treat me so bad now that I’m a real ninja.”

“They don’t treat you so bad,” Kakashi repeats, that sense of unease growing in his gut.

The scar over his abdomen aches.

“Sure,” Naruto says without a care. “I never had anyone who cared about me before. In fact, sometimes, it was like everybody _hated_ me. People always kept away. No body wanted to be around me. They used to chase me out of restaurants and some grocery stands. Some really nasty grannies still call me demon or brat, but I’m used to it, y’know!”

Yamato exchanges a glance with Kakashi. The blonde seems to be on a roll, letting things off his chest this way. Maybe he’s more comfortable with them than he is with his therapist? Whatever the case, Naruto sure seems to be in a sharing mood, and the mood is continuing, because the blonde rambles on.

“Back then, it was awful lonely. No one wanted to talk to me. And no body _ever_ touched me. Iruka-sensei was the first person to, regularly, and it was always punching me for a prank or not paying attention in class.”

Sasuke looks apprehensive. Sakura is shaking her head back and forth, watching Naruto with unblinking eyes.

“So,” Naruto continues, scratching the back of his head, “Yeah. It was weird, when you did that, in the desert. No one ever wanted to touch me before. And then…”

Naruto looks up, and his eyes are _shining_.

Kakashi thinks now is a good time for Naruto to_ stop talking_.

“Kakashi-sensei…”

“**Dinner**.”

Yamato’s tone books no arguing. He appears, suddenly, between the gennin and their jounin, separating them like a fence with both arms crossed over his chest, and quite the intimidating look across his face. All three stumble back a few steps in surprise.

The tension clears up as Naruto falls flat on his ass and squawks.

“Woah!”

Yamato frowns deeply and repeats himself.

“Dinner. Sakura, help Naruto set the table. Sasuke? Fetch the fish from out back. The blue and green ones that Naruto pulled out of the lake yesterday.” He half turns and to Kakashi’s surprise gives him a job as well. “Drinks.”

“Drinks,” Kakashi agrees, and gets up to his feet.

He holds his stomach the whole way to the kitchen.

+

There’s quiet in the house now, with everybody busy. Kakashi can hear the others tending to their tasks with silence or hushed whispers. He sets water to boil for tea and finds some tea cups.

It’s slow going, using just one hand.

“Sensei,” Sasuke’s voice says from his left, “Do you need to sit?”

Kakashi stops fetching tea cups from the cupboard and spares his student a glance. Sasuke’s eyes are fierce, fixed on his teacher’s pale face. There’s worry in those hard black eyes, though, and Kakashi notices Sasuke glancing down to his abdomen, where he’s still holding his stomach.

“It’s fine.”

Sasuke waits a few more moments.

“Really.”

The dark-haired boy looks less than convinced, locking his gaze directly on Kakashi’s stomach, where his hand is resting.

“I can make tea,” he insists. “Go sit down at the table.”

The thirteen-year-old elbows his way into Kakashi’s position and shoos him in the direction of the table. It’s adorable, Kakashi thinks fondly, raising a hand to ruffle Sasuke’s wild black spikes.

Somehow, less than a foot away, Kakashi misses, and his hand lands on the only exposed skin available.

It’s because Sasuke moved to get a cup, but no matter the reason.

His palm lands directly on Sasuke’s neck.

His skin is touching Sasuke’s, so there’s no way he can miss how the teenager shivers at his touch, violently, and pushes up against his hand.

_‘Tell me if this makes it better’,_ he says, and pushes in. Sasuke shudders at the new feeling, body twisting against Kakashi’s chest. He knows objectively that stimulating the prostate will help him meet his objective faster, get the job done quicker, but it still feels like the most awful thing he’s done so far, with how Sasuke shakes his head frantically, limbs made limp by the drugs still coursing through his system. Sasuke arcs his back helplessly, body reacting as Kakashi moves again, eyes shut tight, murmuring ‘_no, no, no, stop it—‘_

“Ouch,” Kakashi hears himself say.

“Sempai?”

His hand hurts. He has to blink a few times to really see it.

Yamato comes in to focus less than a foot away. He’s got one of Kakashi’s hands in his, gripped so tightly there might be blood. It’s just the two of them left in the kitchen.

Kakashi glances down to his hand. It isn’t pushing into Sasuke. It’s wrapped up in Yamato’s fingers, in a punishing grip.

“Ouch,” Kakashi says again, and Yamato’s hand relaxes around his.

“You weren’t there,” Yamato informs him apologetically. “You were miles away, back in Suna.”

“I was?”

“Did you mean to touch him?”

_Sasuke_, Kakashi remembers, glancing around for his student. “I meant to ruffle his hair. He moved.”

“And you touched his neck,” Yamato concludes. “An accident.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s fine. I sent a Wood-style clone after them to observe from afar. Sakura and Naruto are with him.”

“I should apologize,” Kakashi says, eyes fixed on his palm. It’s an effort to keep his hand from shaking.

“Maybe now’s not the best time.”

“No. He was right. I’m just a coward who wants to run away from things.”

Kakashi rests a hand on his stomach. What a fool he’d been. Telling himself he was fine, that everything was fixed when he knew deep down that it wasn’t. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to be done so much that he’d put everyone else at risk. “He wants me to be better, for them. I thought I was but I’m not. I’m still just running away.”

Yamato says nothing, but his presence is a balm over Kakashi’s guilt. He hasn’t left yet. There’s still hope.

“Can you ask them to come back?”

“I don’t think anyone is in the mood to eat,” Yamato warns.

“I need to apologize," Kakashi clarifies, taking a deep breath in. "Not just to Sasuke. Can you ask them? I’ll wait until they’re ready.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The turning point.
> 
> **Trigger warning **for mentions of previous non-con, some brief PTSD flashbacks.

It’s midnight when the three teenagers file into the room.

Kakashi is sitting on the floor, legs crossed. He waits for them to take up a comfortable position somewhere. They settle for sticking together, Sakura and Naruto standing a half-step in front of Sasuke, who doesn’t look up. His tired black eyes seem glued to the floor. Kakashi has had hours to stew on his guilt but the look on Sasuke’s face plunges him further down. It doesn’t help that both Sakura and Naruto seem to be rallying with their teammate. The look of judgement from Sakura and betrayal from Naruto strike him from both sides.

“Kakashi has something he would like to say, to the three of you,” Yamato says from his neutral position on the opposite side of the room. He stands in a relaxed pose but there’s subtle ANBU energy simmering just beneath his skin.

Sakura turns toward him and nods. Then she turns to Kakashi.

He starts with the same, useless apology, for ceremony’s sake.

“I’m sorry.”

Naruto snorts and crosses his arms behind the back of his head.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard that tons of times already.”

“Naruto,” Yamato warns.

“No. He’s right,” Kakashi says quietly. “Maybe if it meant something when I said it, I could stop saying it over and over. Sasuke.”

The dark-haired boy only blinks, dark eyes dull as he stares at the floor.

“I meant to ruffle your hair only. I didn’t mean to put my hands on you.”

“I know,” Sasuke says abruptly.

It’s a testament to how he’s come to care for his students, that Sasuke’s shift in attitude hurts Kakashi so much. He was doing so much better, Kakashi thinks forlornly. He was nearly normal. Now, because of him, he’s back to standing far from anyone, with all his barriers drawn back up. Sasuke looks stiff, uncomfortable being here, but he’s trying. Kakashi has to try, too.

“You don’t have to forgive me,” Kakashi says very softly.

This time it’s the wrong thing to say. Sasuke flinches back, expression tight, dark eyes flickering with something Kakashi can’t read. There isn’t time to say anything else because Sasuke vanishes in a swirl of leaves.

Yamato curses and flickers out of sight in pursuit.

Naruto looks around, surprised. “Woah. Did he really just ditch us?”

Sakura raises a hand and tugs on his sleeve. The blonde blinks and faces his pink-haired teammate.

“Oh? Oh, yeah. It’s my turn.” He turns to Kakashi. His posture is much more relaxed. Lazy, even, but Kakashi _knows_ Naruto, has been watching him, has been really looking at him for the better part of two years now. It’s easy to spy the nerves in how Naruto blusters his way through what he means to say.

“So! Yeah. Um, we all talked. Well, actually, I did a ton of the talking, and Sasuke glared a lot, and did some signing? But Sakura helped me figure most of it out, y’know? And I guess we did a little talking to each other, too, but that’s not really what Sasuke wanted to say. What he really wanted to tell you was that you’re not allowed to touch him, ever again with your hands, or something.”

Sakura elbows him none too gently.

“Ouch! Geez, okay! Okay. I remember, don’t rush me! Alright. It went more like this.” He pauses to gather his thoughts and reiterates a clearly rehearsed line. “We know it was an accident. Please try to be more careful. Oh, and Sasuke says you absolutely have to go back to therapy for sure.”

Kakashi nods in defeat.

“I will go back. I’m not finished.”

“Yeah,” Naruto sniffs. “_Obviously_. Hey, Sakura-chan, did I forget anything?”

She shakes her head but gives Kakashi her full attention. She holds up a hand to Naruto, gestures for him to plug his ears. Obediently, Naruto shoves his hands over both ears, even looks away with his eyes squinted shut for good measure. Sakura smiles a bit at the silly sight. Then she turns to face Kakashi.

Therapy has been very good for her, Kakashi realizes. She is the product of proper healing. She’s not tense or nervous as she faces the man who molested her. Sakura stands tall, shoulders relaxed but eyes fixed on him. She confronts him directly. The determination in her sea-foam green eyes is powerful.

“You’re not done with therapy.”

“I’m not,” Kakashi agrees, and stops, because Sakura raises her hand. Apparently it’s not his turn to speak.

“Is it the therapist?” Sakura asks. “Are they bad?”

“No,” Kakashi says. “No, they’re wonderful. It’s me. I’m bad.”

“You’re still here. Trying to fix the thing you did wrong. That’s good.”

“But I have done some bad things. I’ve killed people.” He feels his voice break a bit. It’s difficult to talk. But Sakura is speaking, and Kakashi wants to honor that effort, so he makes himself speak, too. “I touched you, Sakura. That was wrong.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sakura crosses her arms over her chest.

“Prove it.”

Kakashi is aware he’s very close to tears. It’s not an attack but he still feels defenseless. There’s no where to hide under the direct assault. Sakura is quiet but confident.

“Prove it,” Sakura repeats. “Show that you mean it. Go back. Finish. You said… You said to me, ‘_please believe that one day, everything will be okay_’.”

The words are like needles, driving straight into his heart. The soft sounds of speaking fade under the swell of his his own pulse, under the tide of pressure that builds in his head and overtakes the other sounds in the room, and Kakashi knows she’s still speaking, but all he can hear is the howl of the desert wind.

He’s tried desperately to forget.

_‘No. But if you never trust anything I have ever said, please believe this: one day, it will be.’_

Then, he touched her cheek.

He’s breathing faster.

Then he touched her thigh.

He doesn’t want to remember.

Then he touches her.

Kakashi shudders from head to toe and he can’t stop the shaking after that.

It makes him feel worse than perverted, putting his hands on his students like this. It’s wrong. Dirty. Filthy. He’s actually committing statutory rape, currently, but he can’t stop. Sakura needs you, he tells himself, as his fingers slide up inside her, curling carefully, stroking her coaxingly. He wants to make it painless, if he can, wants her to achieve orgasm as quickly as possible, and he can only do that if she enjoys it.

He’s touching his student and he wants her to like it.

He wants to puke his guts out.

He’s got to make her orgasm, quickly, multiple times, and the only way he can achieve this is for Sakura to like it.

Kakashi presses a hand up against the inside of his student’s thigh. The sweet keening sound Sakura makes at the sudden pressure goes straight through his brain and down his spine and hits him with a jolt of unwanted arousal, and Kakashi knows with certainty that he deserves his fate after this.

He’s going to die.

The desert wind is howling.

There’s a flutter of mint green chakra. After a moment, the sound of the wind dips.

When he manages to open his wet eyes, he can make out the sight of Sakura kneeling beside him, hand outstretched, placed over his chest on the left, over his heart. On his other side Yamato is kneeling with two fingers pressed against his neck, measuring his pulse, reading his respiration rate. There’s a sunburst of blonde hair just over his shoulder. That’ll be Naruto, hovering around back. There’s even, to Kakashi’s shock, a tell tale scoff and the stomp of familiar sandals as Sasuke realizes Kakashi hasn’t actually died and leaves the room again.

What strikes him most is Sakura. The change in her is astounding. The confident, quiet look is completely gone. What’s left is panic, worry, and nervous anxiety. Her chakra is frantic, slipping out of her control as she looks for something, anything physical to fix.

_She’s trying to fix him._

This is the point, Kakashi will recall years from now, that he well and truly realizes that he fucked up.

He’s the one that’s supposed to be helping to fix them.

His team is still trying to help him heal.

Later, he’ll look back and say this moment is the one that made him really wake up and realize how much help he still needed. Currently, it’s too much, and it’s all he can do to try dragging himself upright.

“Easy. You’re in your house,” Yamato’s voice says gently.

Kakashi says nothing. It’s too raw. The memory is crystal clear, still, the most awful thing he’s ever done and he’s done so many awful things. It’s branded into his brain and he can’t forget.

When Kakashi looks up at Sakura’s worried face he can’t pretend to be fine a single second longer.

He drops his head and cries soundlessly.

There are footsteps, and some other sounds, and then silence. Eventually Kakashi realizes the room’s been cleared but for himself and one other. There’s a hand, warm, at his neck that draws him into a shoulder, where he can hide his face and leak tears onto a familiar green vest.

Kakashi doesn’t resist.

He just exists, and allows himself to cry against Yamato’s jacket.

He’s never hurt like this before. Even Minato’s death, horrible as it had been, faded eventually to let Kakashi get over it and get on with his life. The Sharingan Obito gave him recorded some terrible things. But with time he’d been able to ease up out of the deep puddles of anguish and regret. With this, Kakashi feels like he’s still being dragged down, down under the surface of his sins, into the depths where no light shines, where nothing ever gets better, and the crushing weight of his crimes against his team, of the teenagers who had been entrusted to his care swallow him whole.

If only he were better.

If only he’d been more of a coward.

If only he’d succeeded in carving out his guts.

If only.

Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

“Please,” Yamato’s voice says softly, “Sempai, don’t wish such things.”

Kakashi realizes with a jolt he’s been murmuring beneath his breath. He yanks away from Yamato’s shoulder but the other man doesn’t let him go far. He holds on with strong fingers, with solid hands and a warm grip. He locks onto Kakashi’s tear streaked face with as much emotion as Kakashi has ever seen Yamato show.

“Please.”

Kakashi says nothing. He’s screwed up so much. He doesn’t have any right to defend himself. It’s all his fault.

Pain flashes across Yamato’s features. The line of his mouth works and Kakashi rightfully dreads whatever he’s preparing himself to say.

“You were going to therapy, before. It seemed hugely beneficial. But that was before…”

“Yamato,” Kakashi tries, but the other man keeps talking.

“…that was before we started all this. I think it’s for the best…”

_Please_, Kakashi thinks, heart sinking in his chest even as Yamato holds his hands. _Please, no._

“…for the time being, if we stayed strictly friends.”

He can’t make his throat work to say the words. Kakashi shakes his head.

He’s lost everyone else. He can’t lose Yamato, too. Not when he’s just become used to the other man’s presence.

“I can’t do anything more than what I can,” Yamato says, with a sense of apologetic firmness. “And I can see how this is hurting you, as well. Please believe I want to be there for you, sempai, but if my presence is making you complacent to your own condition, I can’t stay. You’re hurt. Me staying close is letting you feel comfortable when you should be trying to get better. I’m just in the way. How could I live with myself knowing I was part of keeping you from getting better?”

_Oh_, Kakashi realizes, overcome with sharp clarity, like he’s been dunked under cool water. Yamato isn’t trying to leave him because he’s not interested. He’s like Sasuke. He wants Kakashi to be who he was before. To get better. To be well.

He cares.

And that’s why he wants to step away.

“Alright,” he croaks, and swallows to clear the lump in his throat.

Yamato looks as apologetic as Kakashi has ever seen him as he releases the other man’s hand. Kakashi snatches it before Yamato can disappear.

“Kakashi,” the other jounin warns, expression tempering with frustration.

“I get it. I wanted to tell you that.”

Yamato nods, once. His eyes are dimmer though.

“Thank you.”

Kakashi feels a surge of recklessness swell up inside him at the thought of losing Yamato, even temporarily. He lets go for an instant, one hand sweeping his forehead protector up and off of his head in a single smooth motion, the other hooking into his mask and dropping it against his throat, and, in the instant Yamato is utterly shocked at the sudden view of his whole face, Kakashi leans in and kisses him.

Yamato’s initial noise of surprise melts into a sound of desire. His lips taste faintly of tea. There’s a subtle earthy tone to his scent up close and Kakashi takes it in as he kisses Yamato soundly. He pushes everything he can’t put into words into the kiss. His sincerity. Desire. His budding attraction for the other man, still cautious but concrete, solid, and presses up against Yamato’s smooth lips. The other man groans under the assault and two hands come up on Kakashi’s sides, sliding into the fabric of his shirt and holding tight.

It feels a bit like he’s trying to fight a current, adrift in rapids that threaten to drag him down under, like Yamato’s about to disappear forever if he lets him go now and Kakashi grips the other man tightly, desperate for an anchor in the wild riptide. He molds himself against the other man. Yamato’s body shifts to press back up into him, meeting him eagerly, and Kakashi feels the electric jolt of arousal shoot down his spine.

Yamato whimpers and breaks the kiss by turning his head away. Kakashi allows it, doesn’t pursue Yamato once he’s pulled back, because he’s said what he needs to say. He can only hope Yamato understands.

There’s a fresh flush to his kohai’s cheeks, though Yamato looks mildly peeved. His ears are bright red. Kakashi enjoys the sight and feels a real smile cross his face.

Yamato’s look shifts from peevish to surprise, followed by a cautious suspicion.

“Sempai. You said…”

“I’ll go back to therapy.”

Yamato stops, sensing there’s more. Kakashi continues.

“I’ll go back, and I’ll stay on my medicine. I’ll do better.”

“For me?” Yamato asks, a little incredulous. They haven’t made promises to each other or anything. They’ve barely begun to explore what they could be to one another. Surely there isn’t enough there for Kakashi to be staking so much on.

“For myself,” Kakashi corrects smoothly, rubbing the small of Yamato’s back with one hand. “I have a long way to go until I’m better. But this was the wake up call I needed, I think. I need to focus on myself before I can really help my team. It’s my responsibility to make sure they’re better. I can’t do that until I’m better and I’m not helping myself by being a coward. I’ve got to do better. So it’s not for you. It’ll be for me, and then, for my team. And maybe after, if you’re still interested…”

Kakashi trails off, a little embarrassed despite his earlier confidence. Yamato hasn’t gone anywhere, though, hasn’t stepped out of his embrace, and Kakashi screws himself back up and comes to some sort of conclusion.

“Well. We could see what we could be. After.”

Yamato nods and his eyes fall back down to the soft curve of Kakashi’s nervous smile.

“Alright.”

“And I’ll talk to Naruto. It sounds as though his therapy isn’t as beneficial as we hoped.” He’s upset that he wasn’t well enough to notice it. The signs have been there all along. As Sakura and Sasuke seemed to slowly come back into themselves, Naruto is still dwelling on him, still nursing that secret hope that someday, somehow, Kakashi will look at him and touch him again. “Whatever they’re doing isn’t enough, or it isn’t good. We have to address that.”

“We?”

Kakashi glances down to where Yamato is still pressed to him, their hips slotted together, navels touching through the fabric of their shirts.

“…I had sort of assumed there was a we,” he admits. “I mean. I was hoping—“

Yamato tries and fails to divert a snort of laughter. There’s mirth in his dark eyes and a teasing edge to his smile when he looks back toward his silver-haired comrade.

“Us. You, and me? We. I rather like the sound of that.”

Charmed, Kakashi nods along, and leans back in.

“Me, too.”

Yamato, the devil, turns his face away at the last possible moment, to accept Kakashi’s kiss with his cheek instead of his lips.

“After,” he reminds Kakashi gently, as Kakashi pulls back with a mild frown.

It’s difficult to tell Yamato no, when he only wants to tell him _yes, yes, to everything,_ because it’s _good_ with Yamato. As much as he isn’t ready for much more than what they’ve already done, Kakashi knows for a fact that whatever they are it’s good, and he wants to hold onto that with everything in him. But in this case, no now means yes later. So Kakashi gives in, releasing Yamato reluctantly, bringing his mask up with a single finger, expression softening at the hesitant longing that flashes across the other man’s face as he pulls back.

“After.”

Kakashi slips his forehead protector back over Obito’s gifted eye and regards Yamato with the sliver of his uncovered face. All his walls are back up as they face one another.

Yamato’s only outward tell is the very tips of his ears.

Kakashi can’t wait to make them light up again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's the day.

Today’s the day.

He should get up, get dressed, Kakashi thinks from under the comfort of his thick shuriken-pattern blanket. Should grab some breakfast though he has no appetite. Should roll out of bed and take a shower. Should put on his clothes and shoes and get ready to go, because today is the day he goes back.

He should.

He doesn’t.

His limbs are heavy, he thinks, stretching long limbs beneath the safety of his sheets. Everything moves like lead. It’s too much of an effort to move though he got plenty of sleep.

He’s tired. Exhausted. Moving would be difficult.

Well, that’s a lie. Moving would be simple. He knows the muscles would respond if his brain would give the command.

But it doesn’t, and so he stays in bed even as the sun comes up over the tree line, illuminating the room, and all he wants to do is shut his eyes and sink back down into the dark side of his pillow.

Today’s the day.

Kakashi closes his eyes and sinks down and doesn’t get up.

It’s not that he’s so comfortable that it’s difficult move. He’s not so tired from over exertion the day prior, or from lack of sleep.

Everything is fine.

He’s fine.

Except.

It’s impossible to articulate the sensation keeping him trapped under his sheets. It isn’t fear. He’s not afraid. He has an idea of what to expect and it’s just another thing he has to do. He’s got to get up, he’s got to make himself go.

Kakashi turns his cheek against the sheets.

_I should get up_, he thinks, and sinks back down.

It feels a little like giving up.

It feels a little like giving in.

It feels a little like nothing at all.

Kakashi cracks an eye and measures the sunlight spilling into the room. He’s got time, he thinks, trying to find a positive angle. Maybe he’ll stay in bed a few more minutes. It’s not that he won’t go. Maybe he’ll just be a few minutes late. Like usual. That’s what people have come to expect from him, after all. It just makes sense. He’ll just spend a few more moments wrapped up under the covers.

Content with himself he closes his eyes.

“Sempai?”

Kakashi’s eyes snap open.

He rolls over, blinking a bit until Yamato comes completely into focus. The younger man’s face is sternly unimpressed.

“You’re still in bed at this hour?”

_Ah_, Kakashi laments. Caught.

“I’m up,” he argues, but Yamato only makes a look of flat disbelief, and Kakashi switches tactics. “There’s plenty of room beneath the sheets.”

He’s rewarded by the way Yamato’s neck flushes, though a look of indignation zips across his face.

“Kidding,” he says quickly, before the other man can start in on him. “I was just taking my time. I had a nice dream.”

Instead of flushing again Yamato looks relieved. “No nightmares?”

Kakashi is caught off guard. He’s been on his own for so long. He’s had to be his own support pillar with Minato and Rin and Obito gone. It’s very nice. The thought that Yamato is concerned for him. Kakashi shakes his head slowly. “It’s kind of you to worry.”

“I wasn’t,” Yamato says quickly. “But you’ve had a poor record recently.”

“That’s fair.”

“You’re still in bed.”

Kakashi glances around. “That’s correct.”

“It’s time to get up.”

“Is it?”

A vein stands out on Yamato’s neck, and Kakashi feels the apathy dragged out of him at the sight. Something about Yamato sweeps away the gravity off of the bed, the invisible force keeping him beneath the safety of his sheets, and he rolls up and out without further delay.

He’s rewarded again when Yamato realizes Kakashi sleeps in just boxers, and the Mokuton user quickly averts his face, cherry-blossom pink.

“I’ll wait for you outside,” Yamato says, nearly squeaks.

Then he turns around and bolts for the door.

Kakashi chuckles in the wake of his retreat and realizes he’s sitting up at the edge of his bed. He’s already half way out. Just a few minutes ago even this much seemed completely impossible. It’s so much easier when it’s not just for himself.

He stands, confident on his feet, and picks out his clothes.

Maybe he’ll be on time after all.

+

“Sasuke?”

The dark-haired teenager stops what he’s doing at the sound of Kakashi’s voice. The lanky jounin is wearing his usual outfit, no extra combat gear. His sandals are on and Yamato is trailing him about ten paces back, also wearing shoes.

“You’re going out.”

“We are,” Yamato confirms as he strides up beside Kakashi, who stands in the door with his hands in both pockets. His posture is lazy, a mild slouch that makes him seem shorter than he really is, shoulders relaxed, a bland expression across the stretch of face not covered by the mask or his headband. But Sasuke’s eyes spin Sharingan-red and the nervous details are revealed to him: the way his shoes are too tight, like he’s done them up several times, having taken them on and off again, debating whether or not he really wants to go out. The too-sloppy layering of his outfit, thrown on in eventual defeat, unlike Yamato’s neat uniform, all his buttons lined up. A very mild genjutsu suggests to normal eyes that there aren’t really bags under Kakashi’s eyes. The Sharingan sees straight through it. Sasuke sees through it, and stares at his teacher.

“You’re going out,” he repeats. “Where?”

Yamato opens his mouth to answer but Kakashi cuts him off with a gesture. Sasuke’s eyes stay blood-red until he drops the genjutsu.

“_Kai_.”

With a gentle whoosh of chakra the illusion melts away. Kakashi shrugs, like it’s no big deal. Like he wasn’t using an illusion to hide how tired he is, how anxious his chakra is despite his calm outward appearance.

Sasuke’s bloodline eyes cut through the lies, to see the truth.

“You look exhausted.”

The older man shrugs.

“I _am_ exhausted.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out,” Yamato says, expression placid, but Sasuke’s eyes narrow.

“Sasuke.”

Red eyes move and pin the older man in place with a single look. There’s so much unsaid in the fierce gaze Sasuke spears him with. As much as anger is swimming in those crimson eyes there’s a flicker of concern, gone quick as it comes, and Kakashi gestures toward the door.

“I could use the extra company, to make sure I don’t chicken out.”

Yamato frowns as Sasuke drops the Sharingan.

“Chicken out?” He asks, suspicious. “Of what?”

“I have an appointment.”

There’s a flash of tongue, a hint of pink as Sasuke licks his lips in anticipation, and the sight sends a fresh jolt of nerves down Kakashi’s spine, anticipating some kind of flash back. He doesn’t squirm but it’s an effort.

“Today’s the day,” Sasuke says, eyes bright with intent. “You’re going back?”

“I have an appointment,” Kakashi agrees blithely as he steps toward the door. “Sasuke. Walk with me?”

His student locks eyes with him and says nothing for long enough for Kakashi to get nervous. Then, without further ado, Sasuke nods, and turns to step into his sandals.

Kakashi lets out a very quiet breath of relief.

“What time is your appointment? We’re not late, are we?” Sasuke asks as they step out into the street.

Yamato shakes his head.

“I made sure we stayed on schedule this morning. It’ll take less than fifteen minutes to walk there, and with a shunshin, we could be there inside four minutes.” He spares Kakashi a look. “Do you need to eat something before you go? You look a little pale.”

“Cheers,” Kakashi says, only a little sarcastic. Then, as though he hadn’t realized Yamato was serious, Kakashi quickly produces his wallet and murmurs a request for something fast, like onigiri or takoyaki. The dark-haired jounin takes the bills but lets his fingertips linger on Kakashi’s. Sasuke watches them exchange a silent look before Yamato heads off in a different direction. They resume walking, side by side.

Alone, together, for the first time in a few days, Sasuke quietly collects his thoughts. He’s not scared of anything happening. Kakashi has no reason to touch him now, back in Konoha, with the drugs purged from their systems. He’s not afraid that he’ll be accosted in broad daylight walking down the streets by his sensei. He’s not Naruto, who vacillates between mostly sane and disturbingly lovesick still, which is annoying. Upsetting.

Even after everything, there are _still_ times when Kakashi’s attention is elsewhere, when Sasuke will catch Naruto’s sky blue eyes tracking the older man’s movements with a deep, dark intensity.

Sasuke’s face screws up in a half scowl before he remembers his company. Luckily Kakashi has given him the courtesy of walking on Sasuke’s right, which puts him in the older man’s blind spot. He adjusts his face quickly, but in the end, it’s futile.

“Is something on your mind?”

Sasuke huffs in irritation.

“I’m in your blind spot,” he complains. “How did you see?”

“I don’t have to see you to sense something’s bothering you,” Kakashi says mildly, though he does turn his face enough to see Sasuke with his uncovered eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sasuke glares at the road while they walk. That’s enough of an answer that Kakashi turns to give Sasuke back the pretense of privacy.

“Sorry.”

The teenager feels his eye twitch.

That word. It should be meaningless by now, with how many times he’s said it, with how often he has to keep saying it, Sasuke thinks, but no matter how many times he hears it, nothing can replace the memory that the word summons: Kakashi’s broad chest supporting him, his naked thighs spread out over Kakashi’s, limbs made limp by the sweet agony of arousal coursing though every inch of him. A hand, big, firm, perfect, pressing up under him and two fingers, thick, sliding into him, filling him up as another hand curls around him in front, hot, slippery from sweat and his own fluids, slick but tight, holding him, caressing him, wrecking him for anything else ever again, and the soft words he can’t ever forget.

_Sasuke. You don’t ever have to forgive me._

_I’m sorry._

“Sasuke?”

_He’s never come so hard in his life._

(he loves it)

“Sasuke? Sasuke?”

Sasuke is aware, vaguely, that he’s shaking.

_He’s never felt so good before._

(he hates it)

“Did you know that Naruto’s father is the Fourth Hokage?”

Sasuke chokes.

+

Kakashi waits until his student finishes coughing, not bothering to hide his relief as Sasuke snaps out of whatever rabbit hole he had started tumbling down, coming up spluttering at the revelation. He barely catches his breath from doubling over before looking up sharply.

“Dead-last… Naruto’s dad was the _Yondaime Hokage_?”

“My teacher,” Kakashi agrees, glad to see the distraction worked. “Minato Namikaze. They look a lot alike. I'll show you a picture some time.”

Sasuke’s face goes through a complex series of transformations, showing confusion, then shock, followed by suspicion, and eventually budding into what appears to be revulsion, which Kakashi suspects is aimed at himself. He and Naruto had less than a clandestine childhood but haven’t they all?

_None of us ever had it easy_, he thinks, hands in his pockets as Sasuke swims in his own head, stunned by Kakashi’s revelation about his teammate’s lineage.

“How come no one knows?”

“There’s a gag order.”

“And you told me?” Sasuke asks incredulously, eyes narrowing. “We’re in the middle of a street! Anyone could have overheard.”

Kakashi stops walking. He gives his student a faintly disappointed look.

“Look around, Sasuke. We’re in the civilian sector now. Who around here knows Naruto’s identity? And who beyond that knows what the Hokage even is? Do you think I would be so careless with such sensitive information?”

“But why? If it’s so important, then why even risk it, saying such a thing out loud?”

Kakashi can’t hide the way he swallows, thick in his throat. His gaze drops to the floor.

“You weren’t all there,” he says softly, gently. “I needed to snap you out of it.”

“You could have…” Sasuke starts, and stops.

Kakashi waits but Sasuke seems to have puzzled out what he doesn’t say: I would have shaken you, but then I would have touched you, and neither of us are ready for close contact like that, apparently.

It makes sense, suddenly, and Sasuke is frankly immeasurably grateful for his teacher’s inspired solution. Something so jarring and unexpected, about Naruto, snapped him right out of whatever the hell that was. He isn’t entirely sure _what_ happened. Sasuke definitely doesn’t want to chance it happening again so he focuses his attention on his surroundings, eyes darting up to his teacher’s downcast gaze.

“Thank you.”

“You’re still my student.”

Sasuke scoffs as they start walking again.

“Careful. Talking like that, people will get the crazy impression that you actually care about us, or something.”

Kakashi says nothing but one hand drops to his stomach, laying across his abdomen.

+

Yamato rejoins them shortly after burdened with three pork buns. He greets them easily enough but he can sense the strange tension settled over them.

_What happened?_ He signs when Sasuke is occupied eating his bun. Kakashi doesn’t reply, instead working on his own pork bun to help calm the nerves that have started back up as they come upon a familiar set of steps.

They reach the facility as the last bite of his food goes down. Kakashi takes a breath and a second to steady himself because he’s suddenly anxious.

It’s a little ridiculous. He’s been in a _war_. He’s been contracted to kill people, to take lives, in enemy territory, facing hostile shinobi and felt less nervous than he does now, standing in the civilian sector in front of a door where no traps wait, no malevolent chakra.

He knows it’s just a door to a room with a chair and a window.

And a woman.

_The therapist._

The anxiety eats at him _viciously_ from inside. How can he just... go back in there? After how he’d left, so cock-sure and certain. He’d burnt her prescription refill.

What was he thinking? He can’t do this. It’s impossible.

There’s a weight on his arm. Kakashi looks down to it, where a hand has come to curve over his forearm. It leads up to a familiar bicep, the slope of his kohai’s shoulder, to the column of the neck and the cheek and the face that is inches away from his. There’s no more warning before Yamato closes the gap between them and kisses him.

His eyes close on reflex. There’s heat, lips pressed against his, and a smell. Familiar. Good. The way that Yamato eases up against him helps soothe the prickling spikes of panic that have welled up inside.

It isn’t too much. It’s just enough. Yamato leans into the kiss, enough to make Kakashi press back or they’ll be off balance, and then he pulls back. Kakashi catches the sleeve of his shirt as he shifts away.

Yamato lets Kakashi catch him, trap him close for a moment. There’s a knowing look of mild disapproval but Kakashi can read the buried sense of flattered satisfaction as Yamato settles in Kakashi’s brief embrace.

“We said later,” Yamato argues, even as he lets himself be manhandled into Kakashi’s personal space.

“You kissed me,” Kakashi points out happily.

Yamato can’t hide the heat on his cheeks. Kakashi feels something wound tight inside him come easing open at the sight and reaches up to tease the upper rim of Yamato’s left ear between his thumb and his index finger.

Behind them, Sasuke clears his throat.

Yamato pries them apart as Kakashi regards his single student with a less than pleased look. The younger man stubbornly stares back, unrepentant, cheeks a soft pink and gestures at the door.

“When should we come back?”

Kakashi shrugs, fingers still clutching the bottom of Yamato’s green jounin jacket. “Later.”

“How about a time?”

“I really don’t know,” Kakashi reveals, finally letting go of the other man’s clothes, and reaching for the door instead. “Sasuke.”

Dark eyes dart up and hold his gaze. Kakashi offers a fond smile that he knows his student can sense despite his face mask.

“Thank you.”

Sasuke nods, a little sharply, as Kakashi opens the door and walks inside.

That leaves him standing outside with Yamato-sensei. The older man waits a few more moments outside the door before turning to Sasuke with a half smile.

“Training Grounds six will open up in a half hour if you would like to train in the interim.”

Sasuke considers the offer. Then, eyes sliding toward the door where Kakashi has vanished, he speaks quietly.

“He said later.”

“I can leave a clone,” Yamato proposes. “That way we won’t miss him…”

“When you kissed him,” Sasuke clarifies, a bit of pink returning to his cheeks. “Why do you have to wait?”

Yamato stares at him. Sasuke tries not to squirm under the unblinking gaze. Eventually Yamato’s expression shifts to contemplation.

“That’s not for me to say,” he says eventually, and it sounds apologetic.

Sasuke’s eyes dart to the therapist’s door.

“Fine. Training Grounds six?”

“Training Grounds six,” Yamato confirms, and makes the hand signs for a wood-style clone. They take off after that, stepping away in sync and leaving the clone lingering outside the therapist's office. 

+

Inside, Kakashi offers as much of a smile as he can muster, to a familiar face. 

"I'm back."

The woman across the table doesn't roll her eyes or say 'well look who came crawling back', or do anything, really, except greet him with a relieved look and a cup of tea. 

"Welcome back, Hatake-san. What would you like to talk about today?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple steps forward, a few steps back.

“Welcome back. What do you want to talk about today?”

It’s difficult to be here. After a moment, he considers sharing this reflection, to see what it gets him.

“It’s hard,” Kakashi says, fingers drumming against his knee in a nervous motion. “I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s alright. How have you been?”

There’s a pause, a pregnant space meant for him to fill.

How has he been? The past few days have been an awful downward spiral, full of flash backs and unwanted feelings, memories he’s tried to bury brought up to the surface, edging into his vision, clouding his consciousness, making it hard to even _exist_.

A hand floats down to his abdomen. The therapist notices but doesn’t reach for the pen and paper set to one side by their cups of hot tea.

“There’s no rush,” she reminds him. “We can do this for as long as you need to, or not at all. I’m here to help you.”

“I know that.”

There’s a soft laugh. The sound is so unexpected. Kakashi looks up and finds the therapist wearing a wry expression.

“They call you a genius. Did you know? Your Hokage said there’s never been anyone as clever as you when it comes to tactics on the battlefield. With your intelligence, I expect there’s little that does escape you. But it’s easy, sometimes, for people with that kind of natural cleverness to miss out on some things.” She reaches for her tea and takes a slow sip. When she finishes, her eyes find his, and there’s a quiet calm to them, something like the comforting lull of ocean waves lapping at the shore as she smiles.

“I’m glad you know I’m here to help. Knowing and actually letting me help you are two very different things.”

Kakashi scratches the back of his head sheepishly.

“I left.”

“You did leave.”

“I wasn’t ready.”

“You were convinced otherwise…”

“I wasn’t,” he cuts in, words heavy with guilt. “I wasn’t ready _at all_.”

The therapist hums, because she knows.

“You’re back,” she concludes gently. “What happened can’t be changed. What you can do is change what you’re going to do. Are you ready to talk today, or would you like some more time to think about things?”

“Haven’t I made you wait a long time already?”

The therapist smiles at him.

“Hatake-san. It’s not just my job to be patient. I care about if you get better. I want you to **be** better, to see you fix yourself. I want to help. However I can.”

_‘Come on, Kakashi,’ Minato says with his warm smile, extending a hand. ‘You’re brilliant, you know? Your father would be so proud. Your talent is so natural, so effortless. If we work together we can really polish those moves of yours. C’mon! Let’s see how brightly we can make you shine.’_

He wants to reach out and take that hand all over again.

He wants to help himself.

Kakashi wants to be better. And the therapist, this woman, wants to help him. It’s the same sense of selfless care, comforting and kind, that helped cement his love for the Lord Fourth.

It’s safe, here.

Fearing what he might say, he swallows his words and nods.

The therapist glows with relief.

The way she looks, so pleased that he’s willing, even without words, to work with her to help himself, makes him want to try harder.

He’ll do better, he thinks as they pull out a pad of paper to write on. He’ll get better. He’ll take his medicine, and heal, and whatever else he has to do to fix himself. He can’t keep relying on memories of Minato’s smiling face to warm his heart, to keep him going. That’s in the past. He thinks of Yamato’s lips against his, the look of the younger man’s eyes in the woods that day, when he reached out to comfort Kakashi.

He’s not alone.

He can do this.

_‘What would you like to do today?’_ The therapist writes.

Kakashi picks up his pen.

+

“Something’s distracting you.”

Sasuke, breathing hard, looks up from his work.

“It’s difficult to channel lightning.”

Yamato shakes his head.

“Something else,” he guesses. “Your control is better than this. I’ve seen you master these same moves before.” He pauses, uncertain. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. But if would help to tell somebody I am willing to listen.”

Sasuke shakes his head, denial on the tip of his tongue, when he seems to pause and reconsider.

Yamato waits patiently. Eventually Sasuke drops the pretense of practicing Chidori and stands up straighter. He regards Yamato with something, as though he’s weighing the worth of telling him what is on his mind. Yamato is a graduate of ROOT. The wait for a thirteen-year-old to make up his mind is bearable.

“…you already said ‘_it’s not for me to say_’.”

Oh.

Yamato can’t help the pink that colors his cheeks.

“Ah.”

Sasuke snorts. Then, to Yamato’s surprise, he speaks.

“If you can’t talk about why you have to wait, can you talk about other things?”

“Such as?”

“Why him?”

“Why Kakashi?”

Sasuke nods, and Yamato finds he’s pierced by the black-eyed gaze. Sasuke’s full attention is ferocious. His chakra swims under his skin, a touchy current, prickling like static, erratic and uncertain.

“I like him.”

“Why?”

Yamato blinks. “Do I need a specific reason?”

“No,” Sasuke mutters. “If you don’t want to tell me, fine…”

“I’m confused. I like him. Isn’t that enough? Does there have to be a reason why that matters more than the fact that I care about him?”

“Why _do_ you care about him,” Sasuke asks. No, demands. His eyebrows are pinched, drawn in slightly. “_Why_? We’ve been with him a whole year and a half, and I’ve never seen you around. Why now? What changed?”

Sasuke is upset, he concludes logically. He wouldn’t be pressuring him with questions like this if he wasn’t emotionally invested. He cares about Kakashi despite what happened. Sasuke is looking for answers and Yamato wants to give him a good one.

“Well, I suppose…”

Sasuke hangs on his words, expression expectant.

“…I suppose part of that is I almost lost him.” The Mokuton-user gives a half-smile as Sasuke stares at him. “He tried to kill himself, Sasuke. I have feelings for him. And I would have spent the rest of my life living with the regret of never having told him, never having tried to have anything with him. I almost lost him and it made me realize I had to try or lose my chance forever.”

“He won’t die now,” Sasuke says.

“He’s still a ninja,” Yamato argues. “Our lives are at risk with every moment. And Kakashi has made many, many powerful enemies over the years. His nicknames follow him. Sharingan-Kakashi. The Copy-Ninja. I’ve already caught a rogue assassin after his life.” He notices the way this makes Sasuke tense incredibly, as though they’ll be assaulted out of nowhere. “It was one time, on the outskirts of the village. Please don’t worry. He’s safe here.”

“You kissed him.”

Yamato doesn’t really have anything to add to that. He nods.

“Are you dating?”

“Not right now.”

“Do you want to?”

“When he’s ready.”

Sasuke looks down at the ground.

“How… when does…” He pauses, frustrated. Yamato doesn’t tease him over the momentary set back. He waits, making it obvious that he’s listening but not judging as Sasuke collects himself. “…how do you know if he’s really ready to be in a relationship?”

“I don’t. I won’t. It’ll mostly be up to him. Whatever he can handle. Whatever he’s ready to do.”

“What’s the most you’ve done with him?”

Yamato stares.

Sasuke realizes what he’s asked and quickly goes beet-red.

“How bold,” Yamato murmurs, folding his arms and looking to one side. His own cheeks are pink.

“Please don’t actually answer that,” Sasuke begs. “I didn’t mean… It’s not my place—I don’t want to pry.”

“Pray tell, what did you mean, then?”

Sasuke looks flustered but doesn’t immediately leave. Again, he takes a moment to figure out his phrasing, and eventually asks his question.

“How did you ask him out?”

“I haven’t, yet,” Yamato realizes, surprised as Sasuke is to hear the answer.

“Then why did you kiss him?” Sasuke demands.

“Because I like him. And because he looked like he needed the support.”

“Support.”

How does one explain the correlation between physical sexual contact and reassurance to a recently touch-traumatized teenager? Yamato isn’t really trained for this. But Sasuke is sharing. He’s talking to Yamato about this because it matters to him, enough to seek his council, even if he doesn’t trust Yamato all the way yet. He feels he owes it to the younger man to answer as best he can. He did promise, after all, to listen.

“He looked like he could use the reassurance,” Yamato explains after a long pause. “That, no matter what he was about to face, there was something he could rely on. Something waiting for him, after.”

“Kissing can be reassuring,” Sasuke repeats, sounding unconvinced.

“There’s plenty of support to be had through physical contact. Hugs. Holding hands.”

“Kisses,” Sasuke repeats. It’s less uncertain than before. “Kissing can be supportive.”

“It can be.” Then, with a sly smile, he asks, “Sasuke? Is there someone you want to kiss?”

Yamato’s answer is a swirl of leaves as Sasuke disappears.

+

Yamanaka Ino spots her prey with sharp light blue eyes. Sakura has been thick as thieves with her team ever since she left for that one mission ages ago, and Ino hasn’t been able to get her alone. She’s always accompanied by her jounin sensei, or one of her two teammates, or that other jounin that’s been hanging around Team 7 lately. But today she’s in luck. Sakura is picking out vegetables at a market stall and neither of her teammates are in sight.

“I’ve got you this time, forehead-girl,” Ino smirks to herself, and starts forward.

She’s three people away when Sasuke steps into view.

“Sakura? Can I talk to you?”

“Sasuke,” Sakura says, and it bugs Ino that it’s not cheerful and ardent, the way she’s used to. The Sakura she knows is equally obsessed with the Uchiha heir, wants to be his girlfriend so badly that they stopped being friends over it, likes him better than her, so what’s with this shy demur attitude?

Something’s up, and Ino is determined to figure out what.

She cloaks her chakra as Sasuke bends his head to whisper near Sakura’s ear. The pink-haired girl nods and pays for her vegetables before following Sasuke off the main roads.

It’s a formidable challenge to shadow them. Both Sasuke and Sakura notice the very faintest hint of chakra, so twice Ino has to retreat when her control slips and announces her presence. Finally, though, Sasuke judges them sufficiently alone to stop wandering down back alleys off of the streets to actually talk to Sakura. Ino grins, unseen, and listens closely.

“You liked me, before.”

That’s Sasuke’s voice.

_Well, of course she likes you,_ Ino thinks, but then she really _thinks_ about it. Ever since they came back from that mission Sakura hasn’t been acting the way she expects her to. She doesn’t go wild when Sasuke is by her side. There’s no flirting. She hasn’t tried to ask him out on a date even once.

It drives her up the walls. She wants to know what happened to change her best friend so drastically. She has to know.

There’s no response for a while. Sasuke speaks again.

“I want to try something. But, I don’t want to hurt you.”

More silence. Ino creeps closer, careful with her chakra and footsteps so she doesn’t make a sound, in time to see that Sakura is using her hands to speak, signing something she doesn’t understand. Sasuke does and he nods in her direction.

“I know.”

There’s more hand signs. Ino wishes she knew what they meant. Sasuke speaks again once she stops moving her hands.

“No. He hasn’t said anything.”

Ino is surprised at the soft sound of laughter.

_Sakura’s_.

When was the last time she heard Sakura laugh? The answer is so long in coming that Ino feels a wave of guilt wash over her._ It’s been too long,_ she thinks, and it’s _different_ now. Ino isn’t sure if she likes the sound of it, so quiet, subdued. She misses the way Sakura used to laugh, bright and loud and raucous, like she couldn’t help herself. It’s strange now, even though she’s clearly enjoying Sasuke’s discomfort.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sasuke grumbles. “So what?”

“You_ l-i-k-e_ him,” Sakura’s voice teases.

_What_, Ino’s brain demands. Sasuke likes him? Sasuke likes who? Who is him? And a boy? Not a girl? Have her chances at being Uchiha Ino gone completely out the window?

There are too many pieces of a puzzle she doesn’t understand. She _has_ to know more.

“Shut up about it.”

Sakura kindly shuts up, but continues to tease her teammate with hand signs. Ino’s brain short-circuits at the sight of her. Sakura looks normal, like this, in close quarters with Sasuke. They stray into each other’s space like they’re old friends, not a fangirl and an angsty teenage orphan.

They’re close in a way Ino has wanted so badly for so long.

How did this happen?

“Will you try it with me?” Sasuke asks.

“Sure.”

Sasuke takes a step forward. They’re suddenly close. _Too close,_ Ino thinks, as the shift produces a nervy twitch in Sakura’s hands, how her knees suddenly pitch, legs pressed together, as though she’s trying to hold herself up and her legs have gone like jelly beneath her._ He’s too close to her,_ she thinks furiously, reading Sakura’s upset body language as Sasuke reaches up to cup her cheek. He’s way too close and she doesn’t like it. It’s all wrong.

Sasuke shuts his eyes and kisses Sakura.

Envy, thick and venomous, clutches at her heart.

_It should be me,_ she thinks miserably, anger warring with avarice as Sasuke presses their lips together. _He should be kissing me, not her!_

But the thought is derailed because as much as she wants it, it’s clear that Sakura doesn’t like it. She doesn’t look flustered and delighted. She isn’t happy to be kissing Sasuke, who seemingly doesn’t notice. Ino is looking at the both of them, intensely, knows the way Sakura’s hands start shaking isn’t good, can tell that she’s crumbling.

She doesn’t want this.

Sasuke, oblivious, keeps kissing her.

Because she’s watching so closely Ino can see the exact moment Sakura goes into a silent panic.

Without warning, blind fury erupts in Ino’s chest, blooming like a pinecone in a forest fire, erupting abruptly, viciously, and she roars with a battlecry, flinging herself from her hiding spot.

“GET AWAY FROM HER!”

Sasuke wrenches away in time to take her fist to the teeth. He yelps, caught completely off guard as Ino slugs him.

Sakura cries out in alarm as Sasuke goes down into the dirt.

“Don’t you touch her,” Ino roars, body vibrating with righteous fury. “Don’t lay a hand on her!”

“What the hell, Yamanaka,” Sasuke coughs, spitting out blood. His lip is split.

Ino creates a wall between Sakura and Sasuke. She has to protect the pink-haired girl.

“Back off! Couldn’t you tell she didn’t like it?”

“My eyes were closed,” he retorts, but he’s looking to Sakura now, anger evaporating and there’s concern in its place. Ino is suddenly nothing, completely ignored as Sasuke gives Sakura his full attention. Emotions flash across his face, open like Ino has never seen the Uchiha heir, vulnerable and distraught.

“It’s… it’s alright,” Sakura says shakily. “We… it’s alright.”

“It’s **not** alright!” Ino instantly regrets shouting when Sakura flinches back from her. She continues in a lower, though no less fierce, volume. “It’s not. Sakura, you were _shaking_… You obviously didn’t want to! How can you say it’s okay?”

“It’s none of your business,” Sasuke says sharply.

“Sasuke,” Sakura pleads, softly. “Please? She… Ino is my friend.”

Hope blossoms in Ino’s chest. She turns to give Sakura her full attention, turns her back on Sasuke to face her friend.

Sakura’s smile is forced. It hurts to look at.

Sasuke stands, wiping blood off his face.

“She doesn’t need to know.”

Sakura’s fake smile slides off of her face. Ino hates the look that it’s replaced with even more than the forced grin from before. The pink-haired girl looks anxious, like she can’t trust Ino. Ino! Who has been her friend since before they were ninja. Ino, who has always had her back, until Sasuke.

“Sakura, it’s not up to him,” she says, voice pitched soft because Sakura looks like she’s ready to run at any moment and she doesn’t want to scare her. “Sakura, you don’t have to listen to him. Just because he’s your teammate doesn’t mean you can’t tell me things. I’m your friend! I’m on your side. You can trust me.”

The soft reassurances bring some of the old Sakura back to the front. She nods, stands up taller. Sea foam green eyes look between the two people in the alley with her. She firms the line of her mouth, determined, and her hands fly in a series of signs. Ino feels a little left out as Sasuke’s black eyes zero in on the silent conversation.

The last Uchiha nods curtly.

“I agree. But you need clearance for that. It’s not up to Kakashi-sensei, whether you tell her or not. It's classified. You have to ask the Hokage for permission.”

Sakura looks surprised. Ino feels confused.

There are more hand signs. Sasuke nods to some, and shakes his head at others, and Ino makes a promise to herself to learn what the hell they mean _tonight_, no later. She’s sick of not knowing.

Eventually Sasuke nods his head and turns toward Ino.

“We’re going home,” he announces as Sakura takes a step toward him. The blonde feels a stab of betrayal, but Sasuke continues. “She wants to meet you, at the tea place you like? After seven tonight.”

“I’ll be there,” Ino agrees quickly, eyes fixed on Sakura’s face.

The pink-haired girl smiles but it’s a pained look.

She has nothing else to say as Sakura leaves at Sasuke’s side.

One thing is for sure. Something happened on their last mission. Something big. Something serious that changed _all_ of them. She remembers that day, when Team 7 was weeding a garden, how Sakura went sheet-white when Ino came close. She remembers how Naruto, loud and boisterous, completely blind sided her from coming in closer and steered her away from his team. How Sasuke, cool and aloof, clenched his trowel, like he had to defend Sakura from her own friend. It’s weird. Strange. And with the way they were acting just now…

Things aren’t adding up.

Ino needs to know so she turns on a heel to seek out her own jounin-sensei and the village’s laziest genius to help her solve the puzzle.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: **We Talk About It in this chapter. There's mentions of previous unconsensual sex. Please read with caution.

The note is straightforward. ‘_Lake Unagi, 3:00pm, alone_.’ It’s his Eternal Rival’s handwriting. Guy knows it and doesn’t need any other reason to be standing on the shores of Konoha’s eel-infested lake at three in the afternoon. Well aware of his rival’s habitual tardiness ritual, Guy gets started on the 3,000 push ups and squats he has planned to spend hours waiting.

Before he’s even breached the 100s there’s a familiar figure ambling down to the lake side to join him.

“You got my note,” Kakashi says in greeting.

Guy nods and offers a bright grin.

“Oh, Kakashi! You’re early!”

The silver-haired jounin raises his visible eyebrow. “I did say three.”

Guy nods thoughtfully, wondering if Kakashi is purposefully downplaying how he is eternally tardy to things. For him to show up on time must mean something. He’s so busy trying to unbox that mystery when Kakashi blindsides him with another.

“Care for a race?”

“Of course!”

Kakashi points to the opposite shore of the lake. “There’s a tree, a pine. First one to swim across, touch the pine, and swim back is the winner.”

The green-clad jounin laughs heartily.

“Then prepare yourself, my Eternal Rival! For, I! Might Guy! Have trained just for this moment!”

“Have you,” Kakashi asks mildly as he goes to undress. “Been swimming with your team?”

“Indeed!” Guy agrees as he strips along side his rival. “Neji-kun has protested quite vigorously, and yet even he sees the merits of such training! It is an excellent method of preparing the body for the rigorous struggles of everyday life as well as maintaining a youthful physique!”

“Swimming has its benefits.”

“Yosh! In this we are agreed!”

Kakashi offers Guy a half smile. The dark-haired jounin gapes at the expression, so seldom seen on his Rival’s face, before returning it with a Youthful Thumbs Up. Guy quickly divests himself of his remaining clothes, stripping down to his usual Manly Underwear which is sufficient for a quick race between rivals, and stretches slightly in preparation. He’s so busy marveling at the rarity of Kakashi seeking him out for a challenge that he nearly misses it.

Kakashi finishes hauling his shirt off and turns to face the water.

Guy blinks, because he didn’t get a good look, but he could have sworn there was a strange, long scar across Kakashi’s abdomen.

Then he’s turned to face the lake and the view is gone. Kakashi turns just his face and raises a single silver eyebrow in challenge.

“Ready?”

“Always,” Guy says brusquely, eyes snapping forward to face the lake ahead of them. “Let us begin!”

They dive in simultaneously. The race is _on_.

The two of them tear through the water like torpedoes. Guy can admit to himself as he propels his body forward with long strokes that he was expecting an unfair advantage in this competition, yet Kakashi easily keeps pace. His genius shines through to mirror Guy’s weeks of physical conditioning. The silver-haired man cuts through the water like a fish with natural grace, slices through the waves like a hot knife through butter, and this is what Guy has been missing! The competition! Pitting himself against this man, so powerful! So strong! Such an excellent rival! Guy feels tears flow out of him and the extra burst of emotion provides the necessary fuel for his muscles; he scissors his legs and shoots into a clear lead.

It’s what he needs to win—Kakashi never regains his early lead, and it’s Guy who is pumping his fist enthusiastically when they reach the shore.

“VICTORY! Youth has prevailed!”

“Well, it was a good race. Congrats,” Kakashi says modestly, and holds out a hand.

Guy grabs it, eyes overflowing with tears, and shakes his rival’s outstretched hand with enthusiasm.

It’s while he’s rapidly shaking Kakashi’s hand that his eyes dart back down to his bare abdomen.

Guy feels the sweet euphoria of victory slip away at the sight—the scar is real. It cuts Kakashi in two, a long, diagonal line that begins under his ribcage and glides across his abdomen, over his navel and stomach, stopping at the opposite hip bone.

There’s no mistaking what it is.

Guy can’t believe it.

Except the proof is right in front of him.

_Kakashi tried to kill himself._

Recently, Guy realizes as he gauges the freshness of the scar tissue. It’s still healing. Something must have happened.

His grip on Kakashi’s hand becomes vice-like. He stops and stares, and Kakashi’s eyes drop down to his stomach.

“Aa. At least it looks cool.”

Does this mean Guy can ask about it? Is that permission? Guy’s mind races fervently. Would it be rude to ask about it? Is Kakashi trying to act casual about it because he wants Guy to ask about it? He’s horrified that Kakashi has received such a scar, no matter how it came to be.

“It looks painful,” Guy observes softly. He can’t bring himself to dig any deeper. If Kakashi wants to tell him, he’ll say so.

The silver-haired jounin shrugs.

“Still is.”

Aching to know, but unable to ask, Guy only keeps a firm grip on Kakashi’s hand, not letting him go, never looking away.

Kakashi blinks slowly, as though he’s just now realizing Guy’s inner turmoil.

“Oh. Hey. It’s kind of hard to read your mind, y’know?”

Guy nods, still not speaking.

Kakashi sighs.

“Sometimes I wish you were more predictable. I thought if we swam and you saw it, you would ask for sure. It’s kind of difficult to talk about without prompting.”

“You want me to ask,” Guy parrots uncertainly.

Kakashi nods.

“Then… My Rival. I have to know—how did you come by this wound?”

He’s practiced this. He’s ready. So he takes a slow breath in and answers.

“That last mission to Suna went bad. We were ambushed, and my team was medically compromised. Are you familiar with Venthrex?” Guy shakes his head mutely. “It’s an aphrodisiac. All three received a fatal dose. I had to apply treatment on the field to extract it.”

There’s a pause.

Kakashi hopes he’s explained it well enough. But from the lost look in Guy’s face, he knows he hasn’t.

“…if you failed your mission, I would understand your frustration. But this type of wound…” Guy’s eyes are fixed on his midsection, unable to look away from the scar that cuts him in half. “There must be something more.”

“The drug had to be physically extracted. That is…”

His lips are desert dry.

Kakashi swallows.

He’s practiced this.

“Venthrex can only be flushed from the system through ejaculation. All three of my students had been administered a potentially lethal dose. So I had to personally treat them on the field.”

There’s more silence between them.

For all that Guy plays at being a fool, he’s not one. He can look underneath the underneath as well as any shinobi. Kakashi is watching and so he can see the exact moment Guy pieces together the bits of information Kakashi has provided into a single coherent narrative. The hand holding his own in a death grip suddenly loosens and falls away.

Guy’s face is aghast.

Hurt, Kakashi reminds himself that this reaction was not entirely unexpected. But it still stings.

Guy has been one of Kakashi’s closest friends since Rin and Obito’s death. He’s successfully kept all others at bay, but something about Guy’s silly challenges and youthful training madness penetrated the walls he’d hastily thrown up around his heart. So it hurts, deeply, to see the look of appalled shock that Guy affects as Kakashi reveals what he’s done.

Kakashi swallows down the disappointment. What was he thinking? Did he honestly expect, what, sympathy? Empathy? Understanding, from anyone, about this? Guy had seemed like the only person besides Yamato safe enough to trust with this and yet…

“My Rival…”

A little selfishly, Kakashi wishes Guy wouldn’t say anything.

But to his surprise Guy grabs his hand again and with a sudden tug, he’s wrapped up in a crushing embrace.

Guy is _hugging_ him.

Relief sweeps through Kakashi at once.

Suddenly tired from the emotional pendulum, Kakashi lets himself lean on Guy, tilting his head into the other man’s shoulder. Guy’s strong arms support him effortlessly and Kakashi is unspeakably grateful for it. The other jounin holds him tightly for a few more moments. Then he pulls back, and Kakashi is shocked again at Guy’s upset expression.

“That mission was nearly _months_ ago! Kakashi! Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

Kakashi tries not to let his surprise show but his mask is off, on the pile of his clothes with his head protector and gloves. His emotions are much more visible without it.

“I-I wasn’t sure how you’d react,” he admits, and winces when this makes Guy erupt noisily in tears.

“Did you doubt for a single instant that I would support you?”

Kakashi feels struck by disbelief.

“What did I ever do to inspire such loyalty,” he murmurs softly as Guy tries fruitlessly to dry his eyes. “Guy. I’m grateful. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you, but I’m glad…”

He means to go on but at the word ‘friend’ Guy wraps him up again in a fierce embrace.

All the air rushes out of him. Kakashi feels his eyes bulge a bit as he’s squeezed within an inch of his life.

“Guy I can’t breathe.”

The pressure lifts, though Guy claps him heartily on the shoulder with a strong hand.

“Sorry! My friend! I was… I am overjoyed—you don’t know how long I have waited, to hear you affirm our friendship. It means a great deal to me, Kakashi. Thank you!”

“Guy, we have been friends since the Academy,” Kakashi says, stunned. “Did you really doubt it?”

Guy gives a rough grin.

“It has been a hardship for my heart, at times, to challenge you without answer. But that is in the past!” He straightens and clasps Kakashi’s hand with his own. His eyes burn brightly, a fire lit in the heart of him. “Kakashi. Our rivalry endures! How wholesome, that we might harbor the same doubt in our hearts, only to find the other never doubted for an instant! Our bond cannot be matched! You are truly a man worthy to be my Eternal Rival!”

Warmed, Kakashi doesn’t have the heart to pry their hands apart.

“Thank you, Guy. That was… really nice.”

He offers a sincere smile and Guy returns it with a brilliant grin.

“You’re the first person I’ve told,” Kakashi muses softly as they redress. “I wasn’t sure how people would react. It’s a… sensitive subject.”

Guy nods and pulls on his green unitard.

“Indeed. Framed incorrectly, or told without all the details, there are some who might misinterpret your heroic actions—“

Kakashi raises a hand quickly to stop Guy’s tirade.

“I’m _**not**_ a hero.”

“But, you saved your team! You rescued your students from a deplorable fate—“

Kakashi’s laugh is low and pained.

“Please. Just. Don’t call me a hero. Please, Guy.”

His sincerity is striking. Guy nods solemnly and picks up where he left off.

“…if you are uncomfortable, of course I will not share your story. But, Kakashi. Your students…” He pauses, clearly unsure of how to continue. Kakashi steps in smoothly. He’s practiced this, too.

“I saved up a portion of my mission money to help them out. I’m taking care of them while they recover. Yamato is helping.”

He can’t help the fondness that comes into his voice.

Guy stares even more than when he saw the scar. Kakashi looks up, and notices.

“What?”

When there’s no immediate answer, Kakashi leans away in preparation, as Guy winds up for something…

“My Rival! How wonderful! Oh! To be embroiled in the passionate pursuit of the heart! How youthful!”

…just like that. Kakashi rolls his eyes and slides his forehead protector back down over Obito’s eye.

“Guy. It’s not a passionate pursuit. We’re just dating.”

This, predictably, sets off another round of Guy’s gushing. Kakashi tunes it out with long years of practice, though he is grateful for the familiar company as they head back from the lake.

+

Ino shows up early. The tea shop is uncrowded this time of day, perfect for sharing secrets. A single elderly couple is getting up to leave and the blonde girl spots her long-time friend slipping in as they depart.

Being a ninja has taught Ino to study her opponent thoroughly at every opportunity. She gleans little bits of information from the pink-haired girl as she orders them tea. Sakura looks like it’s been ages since she slept properly. She looks weary in a way that has nothing to do with her body. It’s like her spirit is tired, somehow. And she gives the softest little smile back to Ino’s loud greeting.

“You sure made me wait, forehead-girl! What took you?”

“Hi, Ino. I’ll be right over…”

The blue-eyed genin grits her teeth. That’s not the response she wanted. Sakura is supposed to shout back at her, damnit! Where has that spunk gone? She’s very tempted to just jump into the other girl’s mind using her family’s technique but not in such a public place. She might not have to if Sakura can come right out and talk to her.

They sit together at a table and it’s awkward.

Ino crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow.

“Alright, _spill_. What’s got your panties in a twist? You’re never this quiet.”

Sakura twitches at the saying. Ino files that reaction away in her brain to dissect and waits for a reply.

“…we aren’t supposed to say. It’s…”

“Classified,” Ino snorts, waving a hand in dismissal. “Yeah, yeah. I heard Sasuke-kun. Which! By the way! What the hell was happening back there? He kissed you! Lucky bitch! I would’ve cut off my entire pony-tail to be in your shoes and you looked like you were about to hurl! What happened? Does he have bad breath? Is he a bad kisser?”

Sakura’s big green eyes blink rapidly at Ino’s verbal assault. Then, her face softens a bit, and she laughs.

It’s still quiet, still subdued. But it’s a _start_.

“He’s not a bad kisser, Ino-Pig. You’re just jealous.”

“_I totally am_! Who knew you two were close like that! So tell me, how long have you been dating?”

A hint of pink creeps into Sakura’s cheeks, and she shakes her head.

“We’re not… dating…”

Ino frowns as she considers this. “If you’re not dating, then… why did he kiss you? And if you didn’t want to kiss him, why did you let him? I saw the way you looked, don’t try to deny it! You were panicking. You _hated_ it. So why say yes?”

Sakura waves her hand, and gestures. Ino swears she’ll figure out hand-sign language. Tonight.

“What’s wrong with your voice? Why don’t you like talking all of a sudden? You’re being weird, Sakura. Can’t you just tell me?”

Sakura’s mouth pinches briefly.

Then, a very fake smile slides smoothly over her face.

“Sorry. Maybe I should go…”

She makes to stand but Ino reaches out and snags her wrist.

Sakura moves like lightning—Ino doesn’t have time to react before a searing pain rips down her arm: Sakura has her fingers and thumb twisted in a position that forces her body to fold down on itself. She’s staring at the floor in shock.

The voice that speaks to her back is shaky but insistent.

“P-Please… Don’t… Please don’t grab me.”

“Okay! You can_ let go now_,” Ino hisses, embarrassed. She’s basically kissing the floor with one arm hooked around behind her back. “I won’t grab but that was kind of crazy! You didn’t have to do that.”

Sakura says nothing but releases Ino’s hand. The blonde gets up cautiously, taking in Sakura’s trembling hands with narrowed eyes. She looks like a cornered animal, tense and uncomfortable, ready to flee at the slightest provocation. Ino feels her mind race. What the hell happened to put Sakura on edge like this? How did she get so fast?

“Sakura, what happened to you?”

Sakura freezes.

Ino feels suspicious right away. That isn’t a good reaction.

“Sakura, you know I’m your friend first, right? That rivalry thing with you and me and Sasuke-kun is totally secondary. If something happened… something bad, you know you can tell me, right?” She’s a little pissed off that she even has to explain this to the other girl who should know Ino has her back, but apparently Sakura needs to hear it.

“Hey, can we sit down? Or, do you want to go to my house? Somewhere private?”

Sakura’s eyes dart around, as though she’s afraid that someone will overhear, before she nods once.

Ino stands and reaches out, then stops herself.

Instead of grabbing she opens her hand for Sakura to take.

Green eyes wet with unshed tears, Sakura reaches out for the open hand and takes it.

Together they leave the tea shop and head for Ino’s house. It’s there, in the comfort of familiar surroundings of Ino’s room, where she had her first sleep-over with friends, where she’s safe with both of Ino’s parents downstairs, that Sakura quietly tells Ino about the mission.

She speaks to her lap, mostly, too afraid to look up as she recounts what happened to them. She stumbles over her words, repeats some parts, and sometimes she stops because she’s scared, because she’s not sure what Ino will think of her when she knows. But Ino keeps her speaking, prompting her gently, offering constant support and comfort, and eventually Sakura finds herself saying it.

“…so… to get the drugs out… he… there was no other way, and we were out in the middle of nowhere, so he had to… Kakashi-sensei had to cure us, himself.”

Ino’s eyes are cold as ice.

“He _ra_—“

Sakura’s hand shoots out to stop her from saying it. Somehow, Sakura tells herself, if she doesn’t say it that way, it didn’t happen that way.

But no matter how she says it, it happened.

_She’s already ruined._

“Please don’t say it like that,” she asks, in a steady voice despite the wetness that threatens to spill out over her cheeks. “It wasn’t like that.”

Ino’s look spears her.

“Sakura, you have to tell somebody. Somebody that’s not me. Nothing’s been done, has it?”

“We’re taking care of it,” Sakura says quickly, worried as Ino gets this look about her, like she’s two seconds away from finding Kakashi-sensei and dealing with him herself. “All of us… we’re taking care—Ino, you have to promise not to say anything!”

Ino stares at her in disbelief.

Sakura shakes her head.

“You can’t say anything.”

“Sakura…”

“Promise me!” She grabs both of Ino’s hands in her own and she’s trembling, _terrified_, and she speaks over the tears she can’t hold back, through the frog in her throat as everything she’s been trying to get past comes up to drag her back down, “Please, please, please, please—Ino, _please_—please, please, please—“

“Sakura. Sakura, hush! Of course—“

Ino catches her as she collapses into her shoulder, sobbing with great shuddering breaths. She wraps Sakura up in both arms. “Sakura of course I won’t tell. You can trust me. Just—breathe! I’ve got you. I promise. Breathe. _Breathe_.”

She holds on and Sakura clings to her as she cries.

“I’m awful,” Sakura sobs, hiccuping with how hard she’s crying. “I’m… it’s, the worst…”

“It’s over,” Ino says, shushing her. “Sakura, you’re okay now. You can sleep over tonight, if you want. You don’t have to see him again. You can just stay here.”

Sakura shakes her head. She hasn’t said it out loud to anyone, to her therapist, or Sasuke or Naruto, even to herself. But Ino is holding her. Ino has her, she’s safe here, in a way she’s not safe anywhere else, and she already knows, and it comes tumbling out before she can stop herself, “Ino, I _liked_ it—when he touched me, it was awful, because of the d-drugs, b-b-but he was_ s-so n-n-nice_, and he dd-din’t want to hu-hurt me...”

“Sakura…”

Ino sounds conflicted, but Sakura can’t stop, now that she’s started.

“I think about it all the time! He, he was always apologizing, during it, and trying to mm-m-make it good for me. He didn't w-want to hu-hurt me. It felt incredible—and I _liked_ it, I really liked it, I, I loved it, I hated it,_ I hate ev-everything_—“

Then Ino’s shoulder bumps up and over her mouth as Ino wraps her up tightly, holds her fiercely in a warm embrace.

“It’s okay.”

Sakura sobs, because she’s _awful_.

“You’re not awful. It’s okay, Sakura. It’s alright.”

She liked it. She’s not supposed to want it, again.

“Don’t talk anymore,” Ino says gently. “You’re all mixed up. It’s fine. I’ve got you, Sakura. Breathe. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

+

“D’you ever wanna…”

Sasuke looks up from his push-ups.

Naruto is standing at the edge of Kakashi-sensei’s house, wearing a plain black T shirt with a red uzumaki spiral in the center. He’s got his hands in his pockets and there’s a strange look to his face, like he’s thinking too hard about something that should be simple. Naruto notices Sasuke staring back and finishes his thought.

“You remember what happened. Right?”

“Of course,” Sasuke says warily, standing. “Why.”

Naruto rubs the back of his head.

“I just can’t stop thinkin’ bout it. It… felt really good. To me. I guess it didn’t, to you, and Sakura-chan.”

He looks up and Sasuke tenses—the blonde’s eyes are a shade of violet, red bleeding into the blue.

“Do you ever want to do it again?”

No one else is here, he realizes with a jolt. Kakashi-sensei is off doing some bizarre challenge with another jounin-sensei. Yamato is supposed to be finding Sakura who left to see Ino. It's just him and Naruto, who looks dangerous now, with those eyes slowly losing their familiarity, becoming something Sasuke doesn't know. What can he do in this situation? How can he reach Naruto to try and ground him? 

_Kissing is comforting,_ Sasuke remembers.

Naruto’s eyes are considering the ground so he jumps a bit when Sasuke reaches up with one hand to cup his cheek.

Dark eyes meet hazy violet.

“I don’t know about Sakura, but with me…”

Naruto blinks as Sasuke steps into his space and comes in close, eyes wide open to meet his in a clear challenge.

“…I can’t stop thinking about it, either,” Sasuke admits, a breath away from Naruto’s lips.

Naruto swallows loudly.

Sasuke blinks, less than an inch between them, and his thumb tracks over Naruto’s scarred cheek.

“Do you want him to touch you again, too?” Naruto asks, amazed. “I thought… I thought it was just me. I thought you _hated_ it.”

“I think you should shut up about Kakashi,” Sasuke murmurs as he leans in.

Naruto’s eyes close as they kiss. Sasuke keeps his wide open, searching for signs of rejection. He’s still looking when Naruto blinks open sky-blue eyes a few seconds later. Suddenly the blonde blushes and a pink tongue sweeps across his lower lip. It’s a little late to be embarrassed when they’ve already kissed but he can’t stop the pink that comes into his cheeks.

He doesn’t say anything—words were never their strong suit. Sasuke feels his lip curl into a quick smirk before Naruto comes in to kiss him again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning:** Vague Underage Consensual Smut Happens, aka Sasuke and Naruto Do Stuff.exe 
> 
> You have been warned.

Kakashi comes home to a house that’s not empty. It’s a nice feeling, he thinks to himself as he slips out of his shoes, to be living with his team. The circumstances may not be the best but he can admit that his life has been fairly lonesome. First his mother. Then his father. Then his team, one by one, until it was just him again, all alone. But things aren’t lonely anymore. Now his team is all under one roof. They’re almost like a family, he thinks with a fond expression.

“Oh, fuck. Sasuke…”

Kakashi freezes in the hallway.

That was certainly Naruto’s voice.

And from the soft groan that follows directly after, Kakashi reconsiders his begrudging approval that they’re all living under the same roof.

“That’s really nice—_ah_! Just… there! Again—“

“Yeah? Like that?”

“_Sasuke_,” Naruto moans through the walls, soft cries of pleasure punctuating the silence that follows.

He should stay, to make sure things don’t get out of hand. He’s been taking his medicine as directed but the memories surface anyway, prompted by the sound of Naruto’s delight. He should definitely stay, so that they don’t take things too far. That’s the responsible thing to do—right? _Or is it perverted,_ he worries, suddenly unsure. He doesn’t want to see either of them naked for_ any reason_. He’s not like that. But what if things get out of hand and there isn’t anyone around to stop things? Which is the right choice? Does he stay, or should he go?

Naruto gasps Sasuke’s name sharply.

The sound is enough to shock Kakashi into action.

_Help_, Kakashi thinks briefly as his body finally responds to his brain_. I need help. I can’t do this on my own._

Yamato.

A neutral third party—yes. That’s the correct choice.

Kakashi creates a shadow-clone and it disappears in a _Shunshin_ to find the other jounin.

In the interim Kakashi gets as far away as possible, so he can’t be eavesdropping on purpose, but close enough to hear if things start sounding unconventional.

For a few tense minutes Kakashi tries to busy himself with something distracting. He almost picks up Icha-Icha out of reflex before dropping the book like it’s on fire. He can’t be seen reading what amounts to soft-core porn while his students are doing who-knows-what (although he has a fairly good idea by now). Instead he tidies up, putting away clothes, quietly moving dishes around in the kitchen, anything, something, as long as he isn’t directly listening in on the quiet sounds coming from down the hall where Sasuke and Naruto are.

“I’m here, sempai,” Yamato’s voice says as the Mouton-user comes in from the front doorway. “You sent a clone, said it was…”

“Ah! _Sasuke_!”

Yamato’s jaw drops.

In any other situation it would be hilarious to see the look on Yamato’s face, wide-eyed and blushing furiously, but in the moment, Kakashi feels only helpless with relief.

“You’re here. I can’t stay. But I didn’t want to leave them unsupervised, in case…”

Yamato stutters quickly, cheeks aflame.

“Y-y-y-you want me to stay! While they…”

He makes a vague gesture with one hand, which Kakashi can’t help laughing at.

“Don’t make fun of me! Sempai! You said it was _important_!”

“It is,” Kakashi says softly once he gets himself back under control. “_I can’t stay._ It isn’t right. But I also know that things can go poorly, and I didn’t want them to be alone if that was going to be the case.” He reaches out and traps Yamato’s hand with his, folding it against his gloved palms, wrapping him up with warm fingertips and enjoying the slight dusting of pink that brings to Yamato’s ears. “Do this, for me.”

Yamato mumbles something unintelligible.

Kakashi grins.

“You’re the **best**.”

“Go on,” Yamato says gruffly, trying to bottle his embarrassment. “I’m here, now. I’ll make sure things don’t get out of hand—Sakura-chan mentioned tea, with a friend, but she hasn’t come back yet. Perhaps you can find her before dinner.”

“I will,” Kakashi says with a smile. Yamato returns it before the silver-haired jounin departs.

A series of soft grunting sounds comes from down the hall, and Yamato’s face lights up.

“You owe me _big time_, though, Kakashi. I can’t _believe_ this is what you needed help with… Kami, please let them be almost done…”

+

Kissing Naruto is very nice.

Sasuke can admit that, to himself, where no one else will ever know he said it. It’s nice. Naruto’s lips are smooth and feel good against his. Kissing Naruto is good. And getting Naruto under him feels good, too. The blonde _loves_ it. He goes to his back and pulls Sasuke down on top of him with giddy glee, all sunshine and cheer and overflowing delight as Sasuke allows it. It’s good, and it’s nice, and it’s fine.

It’s fine when Naruto gets his hands in Sasuke’s shorts to yank them down. They’ve undressed before. This is basically the same thing. And it’s sexy, a little bit, and so he breaks the kiss to do it back.

Naruto’s eyes widen and then go very dark, like an animal, and Sasuke feels a thrill as he slides the other boy’s boxers all the way off.

“_Sasuke_,” Naruto whispers, and it’s like a drug. He’s instantly addicted to the way Naruto says his name. He has to hear it again.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t like it,” Sasuke says firmly. “Promise.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Naruto.”

The blonde blinks up out of his expectant half-glazed look, and nods to Sasuke’s serious expression.

“Yeah. Promise. But, can you touch me?”

Sasuke smirks.

“Like this?”

Then it becomes a game, to make Naruto moan at his touch. Sasuke finds it thrilling to have this new power, to make the blonde react to him like this. It’s _amazing_. Naruto flushes but doesn’t shy away. His eyes dip down to where Sasuke’s hand goes, and then back up to his face. Sasuke could get used to Naruto looking just like this, just for him.

His own boxers are suddenly tight.

He really likes the way Naruto looks.

“Oh, fuck. Sasuke…”

The dark-haired boy smirks. Naruto grins back, cheeks pink with pleasure, and glances back down.

“That’s really nice—_ah_! Just… there! Again—“

He liked that. So Sasuke does it again.

“Yeah? Like that?”

“_Sasuke_,” Naruto moans, and that sound goes straight to Sasuke’s dick, which is straining against the confines of his boxers, a damp spot already well formed in front. He can’t really care about it when Naruto says his name like that. He really is addicted. The sounds Naruto makes are arousing. Sasuke wants to see what other sounds he can get Naruto to make, so he tries little things, touches with his other hand, a caress against Naruto’s thigh, a curious sweep under his junk, against his balls, seeking those little gasps, chasing the way Naruto comes alive under his touch. His eyes hardly blink, too busy drinking in the sight of the other boy. He can’t look away.

“Ah! Sasuke--!”

Suddenly Naruto’s whole body jerks, and Sasuke jumps in surprise as he’s covered in, well. Naruto’s semen, which is sticky, and a little gross.

It brings back a distant memory and Sasuke shoves it down firmly. He doesn’t want to think about what happened, then. He wants to focus on what’s happening right now.

Right now Naruto is looking at him with a lazy sort of smile, basking in the afterglow. His body is very relaxed. Sasuke thinks he looks like a satisfied cat with his whisker marks. There’s a certain amount of pride that he was the one to make Naruto look like that.

Then, he considers the mess all over him.

“Ugh. It’s everywhere.”

“Yeah,” Naruto laughs with a very toothy smile, “My bad. You can put your shirt in the laundry.”

Sasuke pulls the shirt up off his head, careful not to get any of Naruto’s load on his face, and throws it in with the other dirty clothes. Then, he glances down to his own boxers, where his erection is still straining against the fabric.

Naruto snickers at him.

“It’s _sticking straight out_.”

“Shut up,” Sasuke snaps, cheeks pink. “Yours was, too.”

“Want a hand?” Naruto offers, making a lewd gesture with one fist.

Sasuke is struck by indecision. It was easy to touch Naruto. To be in control like that, making the other boy come undone under his touch was easy. Almost effortless. But to let Naruto do the same to him? To put himself (literally) in Naruto’s hands?

He can only think of one other time someone has touched him, and he tries not to panic.

_He hates it_

_(He loves it)_

“I… No,” Sasuke says, trying not to let his voice wobble. “I’m. I think I’m good.”

“Dude, you’re **so** turned on,” Naruto teases, “You look like you could blow any second. It’s easy! It’ll be quick, probably.”

Then he’s hooking his fingertips into Sasuke’s boxers.

Sasuke can’t help swallowing a few times—he’s nervous. And Naruto’s right. It’ll be quick. And easy, he’s already so close. So it should be alright.

He wants this.

Sasuke licks his lips, unaware that the motion is tracked by wide blue eyes.

“Fine. Do it.”

Naruto reaches down but pauses right before he makes contact. Sasuke realizes that he’s flinched. Rather violently, and away from the other boy, and fuck, his hard-on isn’t really that hard anymore.

He can do this. He wants this, with Naruto.

“Sasuke?”

“I’m fine—it’s weird, with you being quiet. Just go for it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look fine,” Naruto mumbles quietly, glancing down to Sasuke’s flagging erection. “Did… do you not want to, with me?”

“I do,” Sasuke insists, cheeks pink. “I… I want to do it with you—“

“It really doesn’t look like you do.” Naruto frowns.

Sasuke curses his reactions. Everything was going fine. Why is his body like this? Can’t he just be a normal thirteen year old boy?

“I... Hang on…”

“It’s alright,” Naruto says, falling back and away from Sasuke’s body with downcast eyes. “Really. Some guys just can’t keep it up. Y’know?”

It’s mean to be teasing and light, something to insult Sasuke so they’ll bicker, because that’s easy for them. Fighting is like second nature. And Sasuke stomps down on the treacherous memory of two fingers sliding up under him, creeping along beneath his balls and traveling straight up, and the stretch, and the pain, and the wild pleasure that nothing else has ever come close to crashing over him, making him weak with how good it is, and that voice over his shoulder, _softly_—

Naruto goes down with a yelp when Sasuke snarls and tackles him.

There’s a moment that they’re fighting before Naruto realizes Sasuke isn’t trying to eat his face. It’s a kiss. It’s rough, and messy, and Sasuke is grinding down against him desperately, hungrily, and Naruto’s eyes go very wide. Then he lets himself react organically. His hands come up to grab Sauske back, kiss Sasuke back, grind up when Sasuke grinds down. The heaviness in his chest retreats, leaving behind something painfully sharp like shards of hope as Sasuke kisses him with tongue and teeth and a nameless fervency that steals both their breaths.

When he pulls away Naruto has to gasp for air.

Sasuke’s cheeks are ablaze but he doesn’t look away for a second.

“Touch me,” he demands, close to breathless. Naruto is stunned for only a second before his slack-jawed look transforms into a grin.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke says roughly, leaning back in to cover Naruto’s mouth with his own.

Then they’re not speaking with words, so it’s easier, and Sasuke is on top and in control, choosing to be here, _wanting_ to be touched, and Naruto is on his back under him with that same reckless ardency Sasuke knows, expects, and it’s familiar when the touch comes. He’s in control, not helpless, not weak, and Naruto somehow knows, so he asks, “What do you want me to do?”

Sasuke tells him, and Naruto does what Sasuke tells him to do.

Then Sasuke loses control, just for an instant, and Naruto cries out when the other boy all but collapses on top of him, smearing the mess everywhere.

“Ugh! Get up, get up! You’re getting it all over _both of us_!”

Sasuke does get up, grumbling a little, but when he catches Naruto’s eye he offers an easy smirk.

They’re fine.

“Oi. You wanna jump in the bath? We’re kind of gross.”

Sasuke snorts.

“You go first. Come get me when you’re out.”

Naruto jumps up with a cheeky grin.

“You could come with me. Save water.”

Sasuke throws a nearby pillow at his head. Naruto ducks, laughing, and disappears to the showers, leaving Sasuke alone with his thoughts and his post-orgasmic glow. It’s not until the sound of water spraying that Sasuke finally lets his guard down all the way and relaxes.

It was good. It was weird, at first, when he was thinking about the past. But then he pushed himself and things turned out okay.

Obviously. He’s not traumatized or anything.

He lets his mind wander to the tune of the shower. It’s surprisingly easy not to think of anything. He just lets his brain go blank as it waits for his turn, covered in cum, which is beginning to dry over his hips and abdomen. Curious, he takes a finger and swipes a stray stripe up off his skin. Then he brings it to his mouth.

The door opens and Yamato pops his head in.

“Sasuke-kun, since it sounds like you’re finished, do you mind helping with… dinner…”

Sasuke stares, finger still between his lips, too shocked to move.

Yamato goes from paper-white pale to hot-pepper red.

“I-I-I-_PLEASEexcuseme_,” Yamato stammers out. Then he slams the door shut and flees.

Sasuke pops the finger out of his mouth and stares at the door for a long while.

When Naruto gets out Sasuke flings something much heavier than a pillow at his head. The way Naruto shrieks like a little girl makes Sasuke feel much better, although he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to look Yamato-sensei in the face _ever again._


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever been in a dream so real that you woke up twice? 
> 
> Poor Kakashi.
> 
> **Trigger Warning** for self-inflicted harm, no suicide attempt, but there is self-inflicted harm so you have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My otp shows up in a _haunting_ fashion, apologies for the feeling of this chapter, but the story swings this way a few more times before the hurt gets wrapped up. 
> 
> I haven't responded to any comments personally but you HAVE to know that they're the reason I keep chipping away at this story. I won't stop until it's done but every time I get a review I'm re-energized and re-focused and it really drives me to tell more of the story each time. Thanks to everyone who left a kudos, too.

Sakura isn’t at her parent’s house. Kakashi double checks, stealthily, and confirms it for himself. Then he remembers what Yamato said to him. Sakura’s friend. That must mean Yamanaka Ino. So he slides his hands in his pockets and heads to her house.

His walk takes him through the streets of Konoha. He tries not to notice every time someone looks at him. It isn’t often lately that he walks around so there’s plenty of stares. He stands out without trying: his hair is different, he's tall, he's wearing his headband over one eye. Kakashi should be used to the looks. He tries not to imagine that they all know, and that they’re all judging him, thinking the worst of him in their minds.

A hand drifts out of his pocket and rests over his abdomen.

No one else knows.

There’s no reason to feel this way.

Kakashi is still holding his stomach when Inoichi answers the door for him. The tall blonde gives Kakashi a questioning look.

“Need some medicine for stomach pain, Hatake-san? We’ve got good stuff if you do.”

“No. But thank you. Have you seen Sakura? She was out for tea with Ino earlier. It’s close to dinner time.”

“I did indeed. One second, let me get her,” Inoichi says, stepping back from the door and walking upstairs.

Kakashi glances around the humble house in his absence. There are pictures of Inoichi, Shikaku, and Chouza all together, as well as Asuma and his team of three. Kakashi smiles beneath the mask to see it so proudly displayed alongside Inoichi’s own team photo. It’s enough to make him a little jealous. He would like that kind of connection with his team. Something familial. Loving. Theirs.

Perhaps he can start building it, with Yamato.

The thought brings a hint of pink to his cheeks.

He hasn’t had much time to think about what the younger man means to him but so much has already happened on its own. They’ve kissed. They’ve been on lunch dates. Things are progressing rather naturally without too much effort. It all feels comfortable. Kakashi knows he shouldn’t grow reliant. Yamato won’t always be so readily available for him to lean on.

But he can admit to himself that it’s very nice indeed to think of being able to rely on the other jounin indefinitely.

“You!”

Kakashi glances up.

Yamanaka Ino glares at him from the top of the stairs.

“Go away!”

He blinks.

“I’m here for Sakura,” he says, rather curious that Inoichi hasn’t passed on the message. “If she’s here, I was going to walk her back home for dinner…”

The blonde genin storms down the stairs. Kakashi has always been the first to read a battlefield, to get the feel of a room by instinct alone, and he tenses as he catches the fury boiling under Ino’s skin.

She’s _seething_. And she’s coming for him.

She stops a foot away and leans in with a scathing whisper.

“I know what you did to her!”

The world stops spinning.

Or he’s suddenly got a mild case of vertigo. Either way, his feet threaten to give out under the sudden lack of balance, and he has to reach out to hold on to the door frame.

Ino’s glare is relentless.

“I **swore** I wouldn’t tell,” she hisses, “but she’s not going _anywhere_ with you! So clear off! Get out of here! She’s staying here, with me, where it’s safe!”

Kakashi can’t make his mouth work. To protest, or agree, or apologize, but the words are stuck in his throat.

Ino grits her teeth and reaches out with a fast hand, plants it right in Kakashi’s solar plexus, right on the scar, and shoves him _hard_.

He’s caught completely off guard. He ends up stumbling back, falling down the stairs and onto his backside in the dirt outside the Yamanaka household. He’s still staring in disbelief as Inoichi comes jogging down the hallway to confront his daughter in tones of utter bewilderment.

“Ino! What in the world—Hatake-san, are you alright?”

“Dad! Make him _leave_,” Ino insists. Her father looks floored.

“Did I see what I thought… Ino, did you _push_ Hatake-san out of the door, down the stairs—“

“No,” Kakashi says quickly, getting up and dusting his pants. “No, I… I’m feeling a little poorly. I fell. Please—it’s fine, if Sakura spends the night. We have a D-rank mission in the morning. Let her know we’re meeting at nine by the bridge. Goodnight.”

Inoichi calls after him but Kakashi can only hear one thought.

_I know what you did to her._

The voice in his mind records Ino’s accusation then puts it on repeat in his mind, in a perfect, endless loop.

He hears it with every step on the cold, lonely walk back to the house.

+

The therapist gave him good advice. _Ask for help when you need it,_ she’d said. And so far it’s been great advice. He’d asked for help when things got out of control with Naruto and Sasuke. He sought out Guy’s support and things had been great.

And so, now, naturally, the thing to do when someone makes him feel like the scum of the earth is that he should ask for help feeling a little better.

He steps into the house to find a hastily scrawled note.

Yamato is gone.

_It’s just two days,_ Kakashi tells himself, folding the note away and breathing in a shuddery breath. Maybe less, if Yamato completes his mission quickly.

This is fine. He’s an adult. He can manage being on his own for forty-eight hours. Probably even spend some of it unconscious and not hearing Ino’s voice hissing in the back of his head.

_I know what you did to her._

His chest pinches, painfully.

_I should get help,_ Kakashi thinks. Who else can he turn to? The Hokage is busy, too busy for tea with traumatized fuck-ups. He almost laughs when he imagines it; Guy’s overflowing teary-eyed look when Kakashi actually seeks him out for emotional support. It’ll be a really funny sight.

He pens a quick note to Naruto and Sasuke, who he can hear arguing about who is doing the dishes, and heads back into town.

The walk is even worse than before. Every face seems to scrunch up in disgust, or turn away in horror, most people too revolted to even look at him. Kakashi feels his gut ache. He clenches a fist and seeks out his friend and rival.

+

Guy’s team is out on a week-long mission.

“It’s fine,” Kakashi mumbles on his way leaving the missions desk. “Coincidence.”

It doesn’t feel like it. But statistically it was going to happen.

_The therapist,_ Kakashi thinks, a little desperately. He knows where she lives, and almost takes a flash-step in that direction before he realizes what time it is. The last time he showed up at her house she specifically asked him not to come in, unannounced, at night. He wants to do better by her and so he shouldn’t break-and-enter.

He’s fine.

_I know what you did to her._

Really fine.

He could use a distraction. Maybe training. Sleep seems like a terrible choice despite how late it is. He isn’t scared of nightmares. They're inevitable, at this point, and logically he'd like to avoid them as long as possible. So that means staying awake.

Training grounds three is open. The night-duty ANBU gives him a curious nod before Kakashi shrugs off his vest and goes through a monotonous series of warm up exercises. The exercise works for a few hours. At some point Kakashi realizes the moon is up and winds down. He should get some sleep before the D-rank they have tomorrow.

The walk back home is blissfully silent. He hears only quiet noises of night. Bugs chirping. Small animals scurrying. Bats winging gracefully overhead.

He doesn’t even hold his stomach the whole way home.

Both Naruto and Sasuke are sleep when he gets there. They’ve passed out in a heap on the couch. Kakashi is somewhat pleased to note that both boys have their heads tipped together, as though they fell asleep staring into one another’s eyes. He walks by soundlessly and heads to the bathroom.

Undressing for bed he catches sight of the scar in the mirror. It’s clean. Neat, and precise, because he’s a good shinobi and he knows how to use a sword. His fingertips trace the line, diagonal, down from the high end to the low. He watches himself in the mirror, eyes glued to the sight as he traces the shape of his scarred skin.

For an instant he sees his father instead of himself, with his sunken wide-open eyes, frozen in death, guts all over the floor.

His own guts clench in sudden agony, and he barely makes it to the toilet.

Once he’s thrown up everything he stays clutching the toilet for a while. He doesn’t want to move. Everything hurts. His heart, his head, his stomach where he tried to slice himself in half, to kill himself,_ I know what you did to her_, he hears, right next to his ear, and he turns to look behind him where there’s

nothing

empty

Kakashi stares but there isn’t anything to stare at because

the bathroom isn’t _there_ anymore

There’s just

_nothing_

_He’s_

_empty_

** _nothing_ **

+

He wakes up in a cold sweat. It takes forever for the chill to subside. He sits up in his bed, surrounded by the blankets he’d thrown off with his thrashing.

It’s been a while since he had a nightmare so bad.

He feels _awful_.

He takes an unsteady glance around, tries to ground himself. Something solid.

Someone else.

There are two sleeping teenagers he can check on. Kakashi drags himself out of bed and heads for the living room of his quiet house.

He walks soundlessly over a sleeping ninja dog and sighs to himself. The teenagers are passed out right where he left them. He takes a few moments to just look at them. Sasuke and Naruto. Still with their limbs a little tangled. Still with their chests rising and falling in the easy pattern of sleep. They'll be dreaming, he thinks, as he watches for a few more moments. He should get back to sleep, too. 

He wonders if maybe they need a blanket? But the night isn't too cold. He's worrying for nothing. 

_They’re going to be just fine,_ Kakashi thinks, and turns to head back to his room.

A tall blonde man blocks his path.

Kakashi’s jaw drops.

It’s not a stranger. He would know the lines of that face anywhere, no less that it’s immortalized in the stone mountains alongside the village.

“_Sensei_?”

Familiar blue eyes glare at him accusingly.

“I know what you did to him,” the Lord Fourth intones, deeply disappointed. “How could you let this happen? Is this revenge, Kakashi? Because I never looked at you? So because I ignored you, you sleep with my teenage son?”

It’s not real.

Minato’s glare is **arctic**.

“I _trusted_ you. I loved you like my own son. And you betray me like this.”

It’s not real.

He’s got to wake up.

Kakashi tries to turn, to thrash, to wake himself, but Minato reaches out and snags his wrists. Kakashi tries shaking his head, wincing away from those blue eyes, beloved but furious. He feels like he's moving through water, his limbs made limp. The Yondaime doesn't let him go. His eyes bore into Kakashi and then his glare is suddenly close. Too close.

“_This_ is what you wanted,” Minato murmurs, and Kakashi can’t breathe because then _Minato is kissing him._

_It’s not real._

But hope, ugly, dark and desperate bubbles up from deep inside, where he’s tried to drown this part of himself. For an instant, for a single moment Kakashi gives up—gives in and kisses back hungrily, clings to Sensei, and it’s perfect, pressed against his teacher who is leaning in sweetly against him, lips firm against his and it’s breathtaking.

Literally.

He can’t breathe.

Kakashi’s eyes pop open and he shoves, but the blonde stays locked on him, gripped to him, as though they’re glued together.

He can’t breathe.

Kakashi pushes, yanks, but it’s useless. There’s no more air. Minato isn’t himself anymore but a blurry outline, a shape, an idea. He sticks to the front, molded against Kakashi’s mouth, and there’s no way he can even gasp for air. His throat feels constricted, twisted and useless. His lungs _burn_. He tries shoving one more time, tries to break free, only for his hands to get sucked in. Now he can’t move.

There’s no air.

He can’t move his body.

It’s dark. He can’t see.

Trapped.

He’s at the bottom of the dark blue sea, trapped in that bottomless blue-eyed gaze, heavy with disappointment, in him.

“_I know what you did to them_,” he hears, and then he dies.

+

He wakes up in a cold sweat.

He sits up in his bed, trembling, and his mind races.

_It was worse than awful._

He **has** to know that this is real. He has to know that he’s not dreaming anymore. He has to do something, something that can’t happen in a dream, something to connect with before he goes insane. What happens in the waking world that doesn’t happen in dreams? You can do anything in a dream. Even kiss your dead teacher no, no, bad, wrong, he's got to do something different. Something that doesn’t happen in dreams.

Pain.

“There’s no pain in dreams,” he says aloud, and he reaches for the weapons pouch at his bedside.

He has a kunai in hand as the door opens to reveal a sleepy Sasuke.

“There’s a leak, in the… sink…”

They stare at each other for a long moment.

“What are you doing,” Sasuke demands, eyes flashing red. “Put that down.”

Kakashi stares.

Is it a dream? Or is it real, this time?

He has to know.

He looks down and presses the knife into his palm.

Blood erupts out of the wound, and Kakashi nearly sobs in relief.

“What the—What the fuck, what the FUCK are you doing, _**stop that**_!” Sasuke yells. He sprints forward and knocks the knife out of Kakashi’s hand, grabbing him by the wrist. “Fuck, it’s _everywhere_—here. Hold still, let me wrap it.”

Kakashi only watches as Sasuke retrieves the kunai to slice his bedsheet. He wraps the jounin’s hand with a trembling grip. The silver-haired man lets him, watching with tired eyes, wet around the edges. Obito’s uncovered eye is openly weeping. He doesn’t try to disguise or excuse it. He’s exhausted.

“Why…” Sasuke swallows and speaks more firmly. “Why did you do that? You hurt yourself.”

He’s so tired.

Sasuke snarls and repeats himself. “What were you doing? Kakashi-sensei!”

“I had to know,” Kakashi mumbles.

“What do you mean?”

“I woke up twice in my dreams. I had to make sure I was really awake this time.” There’s a tremor in his voice he doesn’t try to hide. “It was a bad dream.”

“No shit.”

“Sasuke,” Kakashi says mildly, “Language.”

The teenager gives him a look of disbelief.

“You’re bleeding all over your bed and you want me to watch my language?”

Kakashi can’t help it. A smirk pulls at the corner of his mouth. He reaches up and ruffles Sasuke’s hair.

“Sasuke. Thank you for worrying about me.”

The dark-haired Uchiha grumbles, dislodging the hand grumpily but there’s a mild color to his cheeks from the affectionate gesture.

“Like I said, there’s a leak in the sink. I mean, that’s what woke me. You weren’t loud.”

“Real ninja sleep silently,” Kakashi informs his student with a cheeky look. “Let’s go see about this leak. If it’s waking you up it sounds fairly troublesome.”

+

A simple adjustment later and the leak in the sink is finished. Sasuke returns to the couch where Naruto is blissfully still snoozing. He give the blonde a look of fond tolerance and returns to his previous position beside his teammate. Kakashi could swear there’s a smile to Naruto’s open-mouth breathing as Sasuke settles in next to him. He finds the teenager’s gaze before he leaves and nods once. Sasuke blinks sleepily and nods back, then closes his eyes.

Kakashi returns to his bedroom and stares at the bed.

He should sleep.

But how can he?

The mission starts at nine and it’s two, nearly three in the morning. He should try to go back to sleep or at least lie down to rest his body.

He squeezes his hand and the sharp sting of the cut is a jolt of comfort. He’s fine.

Kakashi slips into bed. Squeezes. There’s a sting, and he closes his eyes. He’s fine.

In the dark, every so often, he squeezes, just to feel the sting, just to keep sleep back, just a little longer. He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s fine.

He’s asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura comes back home and Kakashi asks Yamato to stay the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _-"So many new chapters!" _  
A Comment
> 
> Why yes, people_ did_ review and comment, and that _did _inspire me, thank you for observing.

Sakura smiles as she waves good-bye. Ino waves and then dashes over for the third time.

“Are you _sure_ you’re okay? I can always come with you,” she offers again. Sakura sighs. It’s great, because Ino is a lovely friend, and she cares, and it’s really, really nice, except she’s over reacting a bit. She’s fine, now. She got most of it out of her system. Ino was a great listener. But she’d really said everything, even some things she didn’t expect. Now it’s morning, and Sakura has a mission with her team, who are waiting for her at the bridge. She turns to Ino with a look of fond annoyance.

“Ino I’ll be fine. It’s _D-rank_. We're not even leaving the village.”

“It’s _with him_,” Ino says sincerely, eyes dark. “You can always say you’re not feeling good—“

“Ino. You’re not my mom. Stop mothering me!”

“Look. You know where I live, right? If you ever feel uncomfortable, for any reason, stop what you’re doing and come get me. I don’t care if you think it’s silly! I know it’s over the top! Just…” There’s a pause, and Sakura realizes Ino is fighting down either tears or a blush. She doesn’t know which is more surprising. “Just let me be there for you. Okay?”

“Okay. Ino, thank you.”

“I’ve got your back, forehead girl,” Ino says with a more familiar teasing smirk. Sakura is relieved to see it and grins back at her friend.

“Got you, too, Ino-pig. See you later.”

Ino waves and waves even after Sakura turns and heads for the bridge.

She walks over with steady steps. As upset as Ino is, Sakura really feels okay. Talking about it, finally, actually helped her come to terms with it. She’s not ashamed to admit that she liked it. It happened. She enjoyed it. She shouldn’t have—but she did. Talking about it really really helped. It’s more powerful than anything she’s done with the therapist. Owning it, saying what happened and coming to terms with her true, honest feelings about it, and moving forward without cowering behind silence lets her walk with her head held a little higher.

She liked how it felt.

She didn’t like that it happened, but it happened.

She might like it to happen _again_ someday, _when she’s ready._

Until then, she offers her team a smile as she greets them at the bridge. Kakashi-sensei looks absolutely exhausted. There are deep circles around the one eye she can see. He perks up a bit at the sight of her, though, and that inspires a smile of her own. Sasuke offers her a nod, simple and neat, and Sakura returns it with a cheery hand sign. Naruto all but sings her name, greeting her with his sunshine grin, and Sakura feels her smile widen at the familiar sound.

It was good, with Ino, but this is her team.

She’s home.

“Alright. Everyone’s here. Let’s get started.”

+

Sasuke watches him like a hawk. That’s to be expected, Kakashi supposes as he pulls up weeds with his team. They’re in a civilian’s garden kneeling side by side in the dirt. All four of them are working on a particularly tenacious weed that has all but taken over the garden, completely covering the few vegetables left. He drops some more weeds in their extracted pile under Sasuke’s watchful eye.

“How’s your hand.”

He doesn’t flinch. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

He’s fine.

He squeezes, just to feel the sting, and picks up another weed.

Sasuke stares at him.

“It won’t heal if you keep flexing like that. Do you want something to wear under the glove, to make it easier?”

Kakashi shakes his head, adding to the weeding pile.

“It’s fine. It helps remind me that I’m not dreaming.”

Sasuke says nothing, busy digging into the dirt.

Naruto and Sakura have half a conversation. It’s surprising but Sakura actually does most of the talking. The little bits that Kakashi catches are the sound of her voice. She sounds different. Good different, not bad different, Kakashi thinks as he squeezes. He’s fine.

She looks good, too. Happy. The sound of her voice and the sight of her catch Kakashi off guard. He realizes that he’s stopped digging and returns to work. But Sakura laughs at something Naruto says and it startles him. He hasn’t heard her laugh like that, from her stomach, like she’s cracking up in so long. He squeezes and he can look back down to his work. He’s fine.

Kakashi realizes that there’s blood dripping as he plucks another weed.

“Stop that—you’re bleeding again. Take off your glove,” Sasuke snaps, reaching over for Kakashi’s hand. Kakashi lets Sasuke fuss over him with a familiar fondness. The young Uchiha is so protective of him. There’s a pain in his heart and it doesn’t get stop, but with Sasuke’s tending, nagging, Kakashi feels a balm laid over the ache. It’s really really nice to have someone who cares enough to worry about him this way. So when he smiles softly beneath the mask it shows on his face.

“Thank you, dear,” he says, teasing, as Sasuke re-wraps his hand.

Sasuke blushes and drops his teacher’s larger hand.

“Whatever. Just stop squeezing it. It’ll never heal like that.”

Kakashi nods and returns to his gardening, and tries to squeeze a little less.

They end up with a massive pile of weeds, which Sasuke takes care of with a carefully aimed Katon-style jutsu. Kakashi observes from afar as Sasuke tends the flames, careful not to let them eat up the garden as well as the weeds. They collect their completed civilian contract and head back to the missions desk to turn it in. Kakashi evenly distributes the mission pay to his students, taking a tiny portion only for himself, and dismisses them for the day. Sakura mentions spending more time with her friend and promises to be home for dinner. Kakashi nods as she disappears. Naruto takes his new cash and disappears into the marketplace, singing about ramen. Sasuke stands around with his hands in both pockets, not going anywhere. Kakashi feigns disinterest for a polite amount of time before catching his student’s dark eyes with a questioning look.

Sasuke huffs.

“We’re done with missions. Naruto is out eating his money. If you don’t want to train with me I’ll go find something else to do.”

“Oh? What would you like to work on?”

“_Chidori_. But can you teach, with your hand like that?”

Kakashi holds up his palm to inspect.

“It’s almost healed. I didn’t squeeze it at all, after you scolded me. It was very effective.”

Sasuke turns away and Kakashi kindly pretends not to notice his student’s pleased pink cheeks.

They head to the training grounds together and burn away the hours together. Sasuke shares his affinity for lightning and keeps up easily with Kakashi’s pace. He’s a genius prodigy in a class all his own. Time becomes an idea, an abstract construct as they focus on sharpening Sasuke’s skills together. It’s an honest surprise to realize that the sun is setting, but when Kakashi looks up from correcting Sasuke’s stance, that’s exactly what’s happening.

“Oh. Let’s head home, to get ready for dinner.”

“Aa? Sure,” Sasuke agrees, falling out of his stance and falling in step beside his teacher.

Sasuke showers first when they get home, allowing Kakashi to set up in the kitchen. They switch, and by the time Kakahsi is out of the shower, the rest of his team has assembled around the table. Sasuke is busy serving rice, Naruto is helping with the grilled fish, and Sakura smiles and spoons him a bowl full of miso soup.

“Welcome back, Sensei.”

“Kakashi-sensei! Welcome home!”

“Idiot, he’s _been_ home. You say that when he _gets_ home.”

“I know that, Sasuke!”

“Boys,” Kakashi says mildly, his heart warm from the greetings.

There’s a pleasant feeling to dinner that night. Everyone eats, and everyone talks. Kakashi sits at the table and smiles. It’s nice. His team is here. Things are good. He goes to squeeze his hand and catches Sasuke’s eye across the table. Instead he goes for his soup, which burns his tongue a bit, which is good enough to tell him that this isn’t a dream. It’s real. And it’s good. They’ve all come so far. He feels an irrational swell of joy.

“Sensei? Everything okay,” Sakura asks.

Kakashi shakes his head.

“I’m just happy.”

Three sets of incredulous stares meet that quiet declaration.

“That’s good,” Sakura says around a slowly growing smile. “I’m pretty happy, too.”

Sasuke says nothing but his eyes dart over too Naruto. The blonde doesn’t notice, grinning obliviously, and Sasuke quickly hides his growing smirk behind a bowl of miso soup. Kakashi watches with an easy feeling seeping through him.

Yesterday was _awful_.

Today has been good.

Then there’s a flicker of chakra, and Kakashi feels his heart skip a beat in excitement.

_Today has been **very** good_, he thinks as Yamato’s familiar presence steps out of the walls of his house to join them around the dinner table.

He completely ignores the way Naruto and Sakura grin broadly as Yamato sits next to him, snickering like children who know a naughty secret. He’s happy that Yamato is back. His team picks up on it easily and proceeds to share knowing looks about it. Sasuke shoots him a pointed expression and glances Yamato’s way twice. Kakashi gets the memo and leans over, swiftly planting a kiss against his kohai’s cheek.

“Welcome home, darling,” he drawls, just to see Yamato turn tomato-red and flustered.

Sakura squeals with delight. Naruto beside her guffaws loudly, knocking into Sasuke, who is wearing a taunting smirk.

Kakashi finds he doesn’t mind. The teasing is alright, actually. Grounding. Good.

He waits until Yamato finishes flailing to shrug casually and lean up against him, bumping their shoulders together. The way it makes the other jounin jump does good things for Kakashi’s heart.

“S-Sempai…”

“Tell us about your mission,” Kakashi says fondly.

Yamato stutters for a second longer before recounting the reason for his sudden absence. Kakashi doesn’t hear a word of it. He’s too busy falling in love with the sound of his kohai’s voice. Sakura and Naruto notice, and he’s going to catch hell about it for the next week probably, but again, Kakashi just doesn’t care. Yamato is good for him. He makes Kakashi feel safe and normal. There’s no amount of teasing he wouldn’t endure to keep Yamato at his side.

+

When dinner finishes Kakashi dismisses his team. He watches them go about getting ready for bed with a full stomach and an overflowing heart. The ache in his heart from the previous day is all but forgotten. He hasn’t squeezed his hand since that morning and the cut is nearly healed. And, wrapped in comfort, Kakashi feels confident when Yamato turns do leave for the night.

“Stay.”

The other jounin blinks. Kakashi reaches out a hand in clear invitation, and Yamato goes bright pink.

“Yamato. Stay, tonight.”

“If you need the company,” Yamato starts, not nervous but cautious. Kakashi shrugs.

“I’d like your company. I don’t need it. But if you have night patrol it can wait.”

The other jounin considers him for a few moments. Then, a small smile breaks through the set, straight line of the other man’s mouth.

“Thank you for the invitation. I won’t be a burden.”

He moves toward the couch and Kakashi catches his wrist in a deft grip. Yamato turns in surprise, eyes going wide at the expression on Kakashi’s face.

“Yamato. I meant to ask if you’d like to stay the night, _with me_.”

Instead of flustering and blushing Yamato only looks down to where Kakashi is holding onto him like a lifeline.

He looks up with a steady gaze.

“I’d really like to,” he says quietly. “But are you sure? There’s no need to rush things. I said that I would wait for you.”

Kakashi takes a step forward, comes in to Yamato’s personal space. He has a few inches on the other jounin, allowing him to look down into Yamato’s usually stoic expression. It opens for him, softens as Kakashi comes in closer, closes the space between them until they’re standing flush. So near, Kakashi can’t miss the slow breath Yamato takes in. There’s a faint color to the tips of his ears but his face is gently set. He isn’t bumbling and spluttering now. He’s calm, cool and collected, and when he looks up into Kakashi’s eyes, Kakashi knows that he’s trying very hard to hold himself back in case Kakashi isn’t really ready.

He’s so precious. “What did I ever do to deserve you,” Kakashi wonders, before he reaches up with one hand to tip Yamato’s face up into his. Yamato lets his eyes fall shut, leaning up into the kiss. It’s gentle. Kakashi doesn’t press, a feather-light touch of lips, but it still makes Yamato’s heart thunder in his chest. He reaches up with one hand to find Kakashi’s other hand, linking their fingers together. The lips on his smile. Yamato turns his head slightly, to recapture Kakashi’s attention.

The younger man smells alluring, familiar and faintly earthy. Kakashi breathes in deeply as Yamato breaks the kiss, coming back just a few inches to look him in the eyes. Kakashi doesn’t try to disguise what he is. Broken and tired, hurt, aching and unsure but confident about this one thing. He wants this with Yamato. It must show clearly because Yamato gives a surprised little laugh before he squeezes Kakashi’s hand in his own and leans back in.

Footsteps start and stop in the hallway at their backs. There’s a shuffle, a stumbling scramble, and Kakashi breaks the kiss to catch Sasuke and Naruto frozen like deer in headlights against the opposite wall.

“It’s bed time,” he says mildly. “To bed with you.”

“If it’s so late shouldn’t you be in bed, too? Eh? Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto says, just to back talk. Then his face splits in a cheshire-cat grin. “Don’t keep him up too late, Yamato-sensei!”

Yamato goes scarlet.

“Goodnight, Naruto,” Kakashi says pointedly.

Sasuke catches his eyes and nods slowly at him, once, like they have some unspoken code between them. Then he grabs the blonde by his shirt and drags him down the hallway. Naruto goes, protesting the whole way. It’s all for show, though. Kakashi can see how Naruto grins despite himself. The blonde fights back half-heartedly, letting himself be dragged toward bed, with Sasuke. Sasuke smirks and rolls his eyes. He doesn’t let go when Naruto fixes them, getting his shirt out from under Sasuke’s hand to replace it with his own, lacing their fingers together and holding on tight.

“Well,” he says cheerfully in the silence that follows. “They have the right idea. Ready for bed?”

Yamato rolls his eyes once but follows Kakashi deeper into the house.

They undress and brush teeth. Kakashi mostly keeps his eyes to himself as he flosses. Yamato keeps glancing his way, eyes darting up and down over Kakashi’s pale skin. Then they’re clean and dressed down and all that’s left is to climb under the same covers.

Kakashi goes first. It’s easy, because it’s his bed. He flips on his back and pats the spot beside him meaningfully.

Yamato snorts and comes over.

He slides the sheets aside and climbs in. Kakashi feels a thrill when the other man moves the sheets away from him, but the feeling dies a swift death. Yamato is staring at his stomach.

Kakashi gets up on his elbows to prop himself up a bit. He doesn’t try and hide it.

The scar will probably never fade. But it is healing.

“You can touch,” Kakashi says to Yamato’s silent look.

“It looks painful,” Yamato says softly, reaching out with careful fingers to trail over the scar tissue. “Does it still hurt?”

“Most days. Some days it’s all I can feel. Some days I forget it’s there. It’s getting better.”

Yamato’s hand presses flat against his stomach, smooth, and warm, the planes of his palm pressing in gently against his navel and Kakashi feels blood rush south. He looks up and finds a handsome blush across Yamato’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Yamato starts to say, when Kakashi shakes his head, reaching out with his own hand, guiding it gently. The younger man looks wary as he lets Kakashi pull him.

“Are you sure you’re—“

“Please,” Kakashi says only, before Yamato can ask a question he doesn’t know the answer to.

The younger man holds his gaze for several seconds. Then he glances down, and Kakashi feels the familiar flutter of arousal as the hand dips far below his scar, over his prominent hip bones and the smooth expanse of flesh leading down between his legs.

It reminds him of being a teenager, fumbling around in the dark like this.

Then he remembers who he was thinking of touching him when he was a teenager, and furious blue eyes and the suffocating sensation of _drowning_, and the feeling goes sour.

Yamato withdraws his hand with a worried look.

“Do you think I won’t wait? Kakashi.”

“It’s not that,” Kakashi says, sitting up further, frustrated. Yamato looks at him with a hurt expression.

“You’re not ready. You’re rushing things, _again_. You want to be better so you tell me you’re fine, but you’re not. I hate that you do this to yourself. Things don’t magically get better when you try and push yourself like this. You have to have patience. Otherwise nothing will heal properly.”

Kakashi swallows, stung. Yamato looks ready to leave him and he doesn’t want that but he doesn’t know how to explain himself.

He drops his head.

“Please don’t go.”

“I won’t, but don’t ask me to do that again.”

“Not tonight,” Kakashi agrees tiredly, embarrassed and disappointed.

Yamato’s hand cups his chin. Surprised, Kakashi blinks rapidly, his eyelashes catching against Yamato’s face. They’re kissing.

He takes a slow, steadying breath in. Obito’s eye is crying. He closes it, and his own eye, and thinks only of the lips against his. For a few minutes, all that there is is this: the soft presence pressed against him, certain and sure, gently coaxing him to give up his facade. There’s no urgency. They don’t have to rush. It’s a gentle expression, soothing. Yamato’s hand never leaves his face. His other hand comes to rest against Kakashi’s side, slides down over until it’s resting against the small of his back. Yamato’s lips drink him in, patient, calming, the longest kiss he’s had in his life.

They end up lying on their sides still pressed together. Yamato doesn’t make another move to touch him anywhere else. Kakashi doesn’t encourage him to. He’s not ready for more than this.

Eyes closed, he can feel every curve, every smooth plane of Yamato beside him. The rise and fall of his chest where they touch. His thigh resting next to his, his shins. His hand, still holding on, not letting go of Kakashi. It would be easy to mistake them from an observer’s point of view. Yamato is the one that clings but Kakashi is the one that is lost and desperate, needy without knowing how to just let himself be. Before he can concentrate on that thought Yamato’s tongue sweeps up against his lip, and Kakashi opens to let it in, and forgets anything else but the way he tastes.

Eventually Kakashi pulls back. He starts to apologize and Yamato stops him with a single look. The silver-haired jounin turns his face to the pillow. Yamato waits, like he said he would. He doesn’t leave. He stays.

Kakashi turns his head to speak without being muffled by the pillow.

“I had a nightmare. Twice. I thought I might not wake up. And then, of course, when I really _was_ awake, Sasuke walked in on me holding a knife to my hand.”

Yamato tenses beside him but doesn’t interrupt.

“I feel like it’ll never end. Any time I feel like things are going well something happens and I slip back. Every time I feel like I’ve made progress I make a mistake and I’m back where I started. I want to get better. I want to feel normal again.” He looks up, sits up from the pillow, to look Yamato in the face. “I want to want you.”

Black eyes soften at the admission.

“That’s enough. Kakashi, that means the world to me.”

“I want to,” Kakashi repeats, and rubs Obito’s eye, because it won’t stop crying, because Uchiha Obito is a crybaby and Kakashi has his eye, and that’s all that’s left of his teammate, the loudmouth idiot who he fought and bickered with, who slapped Kakashi in the face with his words and got the stick out of his ass all those years ago the same day he died. He’s still bothering Kakashi even after all this time. It’s alright, even though it’s getting in his way right now, Obito will never change. He’ll always be that way, which is what he loves about Obito—

_Obito_.

Struck by inspiration, Kakashi sits straight up in the bed.

Then, glancing around the darkened room, he sinks back down.

Yamato looks confused. “Everything alright?”

“I had an idea.” Kakashi shrugs the covers back on. “But it’s late.”

“Something for us to do tomorrow?” Yamato guesses, sliding down to lay beside the other man. He’s careful to keep a distance between them but his knees knock up against Kakashi’s shins.

“Something like that,” Kakashi agrees. “Sleep well.”

Yamato doesn’t answer. Then there’s a pressure, sweet and light, and Kakashi feels a blush creep across his cheeks as Yamato comes away from the base of his neck where he’s kissed him.

“Goodnight.”

That night, he has no dreams, and rests very well.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi introduces Yamato to his important dead, and something gets done about Naruto's terrible therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are currently attending therapy and for **any reason, even if it seems silly or unimportant, you feel uncomfortable, SPEAK UP**. Communication is super important. Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it is almost always for a reason.

They rise with the sun, early and bright. The sunlight filters in through the windows and fills the house with warmth. There’s plenty of warmth coming from the body beside his. Kakashi rolls over and nuzzles into the dip of Yamato’s neck, enjoying the soft gasp it gets him. He wonders what other sounds he can enjoy, and reaches up with curious fingertips.

Yamato bats his hands away but doesn’t push Kakashi away.

“Good morning,” Kakashi murmurs into Yamato’s shoulder.

“Good morning. Stop that,” Yamato scolds, shifting away from Kakashi’s relentless fingers, still searching for skin to explore. “We have to get up. Your team is waiting.”

Kakashi shrugs.

“They know where the rice is. Let them make their own breakfast.”

“What if I’m hungry?”

Kakashi grins into Yamato’s shoulder.

“Then you can eat _me_,” he teases, just to see Yamato turn fiery red.

He laughs when it gets him shoved out of bed.

They dress and head to the kitchen where team seven is finishing breakfast. Sakura smiles brightly and waves to him with a happy hello. Sasuke nods at him, while Naruto waggles his eyebrows at the sight of Yamato ambling in behind the taller jounin. Kakashi winks back playfully. The blonde gapes and then grins with bright pink cheeks, turning to whisper very loudly to Sasuke, who shushes him immediately.

“They totally _did it_ last night—“

“Shut UP, you idiot!”

“Look at Kakashi-sensei! He’s _glowing_.”

Kakashi does have a certain glow to his cheeks, over the top of the mask, and does nothing to dissuade Naruto of his misconception. Yamato looks like he’s going to spontaneously combust. Sakura politely pretends not to hear, minding her drink and not staring at her two teachers.

Sasuke places his breakfast down on the table.

Then he grabs Naruto’s grinning face and shuts him up by kissing him senseless.

Sakura can’t stifle her laughter, then. Kakashi kindly looks elsewhere as Yamato makes an unintelligible noise and quickly excuses himself.

Naruto comes up for air gasping. His whiskered cheeks are pink and his blue eyes are staring only at Sasuke, who rolls his own eyes and picks his breakfast back up.

“Don’t make fun. Eat your food,” he says.

“Yeah! Yeah, sure,” Naruto babbles, smitten. Sakura’s eyes are _sparkling_.

“Sasuke, Naruto, can you walk Sakura-chan to her appointment? There’s somewhere I’d like to take Yamato-sensei,” Kakashi requests.

All eyes turn up to him.

“Sure thing, sensei,” Naruto quips. “Where y’goin?”

Sasuke nods but looks equally curious. Kakashi smiles softly under the mask.

“There’s a couple people I’d like him to meet.”

+

They stop in the Yamanaka flower shop. Ino isn’t there, and Kakashi feels bad for feeling grateful. He picks out white Lillies, a few sunburst-bright Zinnas, and a single purple Hyacinth. He pays for them with his mission money from the previous day and hands half of them to Yamato.

Yamato takes them gingerly and falls in step beside him as they walk toward the Memorial stone.

It’s a sunny day. Kakashi finds the grave markers he knows and dusts them clean.

“Your team,” Yamato says as Kakashi stands.

“I thought you should meet them. Nohara Rin,” Kakashi says, gesturing to the grave. “I killed her.”

Yamato makes a face.

“You’re not supposed to… It’s _bad_, to speak of the dead like that,” he chastises, handing over the white flowers. Kakashi shrugs and kneels to place them by Rin’s resting place.

“Sorry.”

Yamato gives him an admonishing look, then turns to face the grave.

“Tell me what she was like, instead,” he suggests gently. Kakashi does.

“She was sweet. She liked plums, and she was an excellent medic. She could go toe-to-toe with me in shuriken throwing.”

“She sounds like a nice girl,” Yamato says as they move to the next grave. Kakashi nods and places the single purple flower down beside his teacher’s grave.

“Namikaze Minato. The Lord Fourth Hokage. You knew him, too.”

“I did,” Yamato says carefully, “but not like you.”

Kakashi can’t help smiling.

“Aa.”

Yamato says nothing more. If he’s waiting for Kakashi to reminisce about how he used to crush on his former teacher he’ll just have to be disappointed. He’s not interested in talking about the past. He wants Yamato to meet the people that are important to him so he can face the future.

“What do you usually say to him? Your sensei.”

“I tell him how I’m improving,” Kakashi says as he stands. “He was the one that pushed me, even when everyone else said I was already a genius. He knew I could be better. He never let me rest on my laurels. I’m the way I am now because of that belief.”

“I’m sure he’s proud,” Yamato says kindly.

Kakashi doesn’t agree or deny him, but he can’t help remembering those bottomless blue eyes, darkened with rage, coming in close to crush him and choke him and whisper _I know what you did._

He walks to the last grave and introduces Yamato.

“This is Obito.”

“An Uchiha,” Yamato infers as he hands over the last flowers, bright orange. “Related to Sasuke-kun. Have you brought him here?”

“Not yet,” Kakashi acknowledges, setting the cheerful flowers down with one hand. “I will. Someday.”

“His grave is set apart from the other Uchiha.”

“He was an outcast of sorts. They didn’t accept the way he was, even when he died a hero, saving my life and helping complete the mission that won us the war against Iwa.” Kakashi’s face screws up in a fierce grimace for an instant before it relaxes again. “He deserves better then to be lumped in with the rest of them.”

Yamato nods and reaches out with his hand.

Kakashi lets the other man lace their fingers together.

They stand silently for a while, side by side, hand in hand at Obito’s grave. It isn’t long before his eye begins to sting and Kakashi knows he’s crying under the forehead protector.

His free hand comes to rest against his stomach.

“So,” he says suddenly, looking down at Obito’s grave. “I did something amazingly stupid. I tried to kill myself.”

Yamato startles beside him.

“You would yell at me,” Kakashi supposes, still speaking to the grave, not looking when Yamato fixes him with wide eyes, “and I’d deserve it. I didn’t mean to almost waste your gift like that. I’m taking good care of your eye now, Obito.”

The hand in his clenches. Kakashi squeezes back and keeps talking.

“Things have been pretty shit. You were right—I _am_ trash.”

“Kakashi—“

“But I’m not giving up,” Kakashi continues, right over Yamato’s protest. “I’m going to follow your example. You never let it get you down that your entire clan didn’t like the way you were. You were probably too stupid to realize they were ostracizing you. But… even if you did, you never let it show. You were you.”

It feels like a confession. He wishes Obito were still alive, so he could say it to his face.

Kakashi uses his free hand to shove up the forehead protector to reveal Obito’s damp eye.

“You said you would become my eyes and see the future. I’ve done some unforgivable things. I’m sorry you had to see them.”

He turns, and Yamato blinks in surprise when Kakashi drags them together, side to side.

“I’m going to be better, now. I’ve got a good friend to help set me straight, just like you did. This is him.”

The brown-haired man stands up a little straighter and bows politely.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry it’s so late—Kakashi-sempai is terrible about these things.”

Kakashi laughs.

It’s true. And Obito would find it funny.

He can almost hear the other boy’s laughter echoing in the back of his mind.

+

They say good-bye and leave the buried dead to rest. Kakashi feels much lighter than he has in a long time. His fingers stay linked with Yamato’s as they leave the graves. He doesn’t feel the usual urge to look back and linger. He has someone by his side. He has students to care for. He has a future to figure out.

He’s not fine.

But he’s healing.

Step by step, side by side with the other jounin, Kakashi walks and every step he feels the past slowly lose its grip on his heart.

They walk back into town still holding hands. Kakashi doesn’t feel like letting go yet. A familiar chakra pulses, _angry_, and he feels the grip on Yamato’s hand tighten. The other jounin stops walking, feeling the same thing, and they lock eyes and nod. Somewhere near by Naruto is upset and his chakra is slowly growing.

They drop hands and flicker forward toward the energy signal. The flickering leads them toward the civilian district. The boys are alone, already having dropped off Sakura at her morning appointment. It seems like they’ve gotten into an argument on the way back home. Kakashi and Yamato land with light footsteps on the rooftops two buildings away, trekking silently the rest of the way, and bunk down on the top of the building to listen in. Sasuke is arguing and Naruto is arguing back. They haven’t escalated to violence yet, but by the sharp tones and angry words, it won’t take much. Now is a good time to intervene.

“I don’t _care_ what you think!”

“It’s not about what I think! You’ve got to go!”

“It’s not helping! I don’t want to go!”

“Naruto, listen. It’ll get better. You just have to give it time and…”

“I’ve _tried_, y’know? I have! I listen to every lecture that stupid old grandpa gives me and I’m always smiling when I leave! But I’m _tired_ of pretending to be fine! I **hate** the way he makes me feel! I don’t want to go back there! I won’t go anymore! _I’m done_!”

Kakashi drops in from the rooftop as Naruto’s chakra spikes quite high. He reaches out and lands a hand on Naruto’s shoulder. The sudden contact makes Naruto jump. He yelps, shrill and surprised, and turns to face his silver-haired teacher with a wide-eyed look.

“Kakashi-sensei!”

“I had it under control. How long have you been eavesdropping,” Sasuke asks, annoyed. Kakashi spares him a quick glance and a nod, which is begrudgingly returned, and then looks at Naruto.

“You don’t have to go back.”

Blue eyes blink rapidly. Then, joy breaks out over Naruto’s face. Sasuke’s face falls in confusion.

“What are you talking about? He has to go,” Sasuke says as Naruto whoops in delight. “He’s not done.”

“No,” Kakashi agrees, “He isn’t. But there’s no reason for him to return to that particular therapist. If this is the result, then what’s the point of making him go? Would you keep practicing the same if I told you your technique was incorrect, or would you change your routine?”

“Obviously I’d change,” Sasuke says, and from the way he leans back with both hands shoved into his pockets, Kakashi gleans he’s on board. “So. He needs someone else?”

“Aa. I’ll start searching. Naruto.”

It takes a few more tries to snap Naruto out of celebration mode. The young man turns his sunny smile on Kakashi and for an instant Kakashi sees Minato in him, blue eyes bright, face shining and open and loving, and his heart clenches painfully in his chest. Then the moment is gone, and Kakashi makes himself talk.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was so bad.”

“Heh! It’s alright. He didn’t do anything weird to me! He just sucked.”

“Thank you for your astute observation,” Kakashi says dryly.

“Eh? What’s ’statue?”

“_Astute_,” Sasuke enunciates clearly, “Means perceptive. Idiot.”

“Oi! I’m not an idiot! That’s a fancy word.”

Sasuke snorts. “_Fancy_,” he says in amusement, and Naruto growls, easily riled. Kakashi glances up to the rooftops where Yamato lurks, ready to support him. He flashes the other man a thumbs-up. Yamato returns it and vanishes. Kakashi smiles beneath the mask as Naruto shouts at Sasuke’s back. They leave the alley and head back home together.

It’s interesting to watch his students bicker-flirt on the walk. Sasuke has something sharp to say to everything Naruto says. Naruto has something to say back and it’s effortless. It’s almost like they were perfect opposites, made to fight. Kakashi wonders how they ever find time to do anything but bicker as the confrontational attitudes of both boys shines through.

And then Naruto grins, widely, and leans in to kiss the corner of Sasuke’s lips, and _oh_.

The atmosphere vanishes in a second. There’s no animosity, then. Just heat, and desire, and a sliver of tongue.

Kakashi looks away very quickly.

He has no interest in watching his thirteen-year-old students make out in the streets.

The moment lasts for a few more moments.

When he eventually looks back the boys are arguing again. Sasuke grumbles, pink on his cheeks, walking in the direction of home. Kakashi notices with amusement that his hand has somehow become tangled with his teammate’s. Naruto keeps ribbing him, teasing as they walk hand-in-hand, bumping shoulders and arguing the whole way.

Somehow, they’re an excellent match.

He can see a lot of his younger self in Sasuke, and there’s an obvious breathtaking blend of _both_ Sensei and Obito in Naruto.

_They fit very well together,_ Kakashi thinks.

His best friend’s Sharingan aches under his forehead protector. Kakashi briefly wonders what Obito would think of him for matchmaking his students like this. _He’d_ _probably call me a creep_, Kakashi mourns, _and he’d be **right**_. He tries to watch something else on the way back but nothing grabs his attention the way his students do. There’s something about Naruto and Sasuke that’s difficult to ignore. Their relationship seems like it’s off to a good start and Kakashi should be happy for them and leave it at that.

The thought floats across his mind unbidden: if Obito were still alive, what would they have been like? Would they be rivals still, like Kakashi and Guy? Or would they have become something else? Something more intimate, like Naruto and Sasuke? He can see it easily. The way they used to fight, magnetic, like Obito couldn’t help it and Kakashi always had something snarky or smart to say right back—

No.

The past is past.

Kakashi shakes his head to clear his mind.

Obito is dead and buried. His best friend is gone.

There’s no use wondering what would have been. It’s a much better use of his time to focus on what’s here, now, and his mind lands squarely on Yamato. Yamato, who is alive. Yamato who has been there for him through every step of this ordeal. He’s what’s real. He’s the one waiting for Kakashi back at the house. Kakashi should stop living in the past. For his own sake, and for others.

He thinks of Yamato’s smile. The feel of his lips and the touch of his fingertips. Constant. Steady.

Yamato is good.

Yamato is here.

Yamato’s smile greets him as they return to the house and it’s Yamato who kisses him at the bottom of the stairs.

Naruto cackles but it’s easy to ignore. Sasuke takes care of things anyhow, dragging the blonde inside by the back of his shirt to let the jounin greet each other in relative peace.

“This is my life now,” Yamato bemoans, cheeks pink from the genin’s teasing, “Do you seriously think they’ll live here for much longer? I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep at night worrying that they’re off in another room being…”

He can’t finish the sentence, which makes Kakashi grin under the mask.

“Being _intimate_?” He offers, to enjoy Yamato’s pink ears. “We could be intimate, too. Louder. Drown them out.”

The other man makes a strangled noise, embarrassed.

Kakashi _loves_ the sound.

“_Kakashi-sempai_!”

“Right, right. Sorry. I’ll behave.”

Yamato levels him with a look of flat disbelief.

Kakashi finds it charming and leans in to recapture Yamato’s lips with his own.

“Oi! Stop making out in front of the house!”

Yamato snorts, breaking the kiss at Sasuke’s shout.

“He’s right. We should go inside, sempai.”

“Oh? Want to make out with me inside the house instead?”

He gets smacked for that. Somehow he can’t be mad about it, because eventually he convinces Yamato to follow up on the idea.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi feels Normal.exe, while Naruto makes Waves and Sasuke Loses It.
> 
> **Author Side Note**:   
Since it bugged someone enough to leave a comment, I'll spoil the story a bit: Naruto and Sasuke end up together. But, before that happens, Naruto _does_ explore his sexuality. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I don't ever encourage people to skip chapters of a story because it defeats the purpose of writing in the first place. In this story, Naruto's trauma is mostly mental, less physical, and it translates to him being very active in figuring out himself, which involves trying different things with different people until things feel right to him.
> 
> I don't and never will pretend to be anything other than a fictional author--I am not a trained therapist, and none of this story should read as a personal guide as what you should do in any situation. It is strictly a work of fiction. Just me telling a story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choo Choo, Hurt Train coming in to station.  
<s>_im sorry_</s>
> 
> Honestly, I expected this meltdown to come much sooner, with how Naruto's failed therapy is doing No Body any favors.

“Welcome back,” the therapist says with a smile. “You look well.”

“I’ve had a few good days.”

“That’s wonderful!”

“I’ve had some bad days, too. But I have people who can help me through them.”

“Just like we talked about,” the woman agrees with a gentle look, pleased and happy for him. “Hatake-san, I’m _so happy_ for you. You’ve made incredible progress. To come this far is really, really good.”

“It feels good,” Kakashi agrees over their tea. His smile is fond as he considers the truth of their words. He’s much better now. He’s not fixed all the way. He may never be. But he’s working on coping with the bad days, and he’s got plenty of good days behind him, and ahead of him. Things are looking up. “I took my partner to meet my team.”

“And how did that go?”

“It went well. I think they’d approve.”

The therapist’s smile is quite broad. Kakashi feels comfort from the sight of it.

They talk about a few more things, inconsequential. The therapist makes a few notes on her clipboard, Kakashi gets a refill for his prescription. They drink tea and time passes. Eventually his appointment is over.

“Before,” Kakashi says as he stands, “I felt like a failure when we didn’t get anything done.”

“And now,” the therapist prompts, though it looks as though she already knows what he’s going to say.

“And it’s okay. Even if we talk about nothing, it’s helping. It’s not fine. Not all the way. But it doesn’t need to be.”

“I’m so glad.”

“So am I. Thank you for your time today. I’ll be seeing you.”

He leaves and walks home.

Guy shows up halfway there. He greets Kakashi jubilantly, nearly bowling him over in a fierce embrace. Kakashi lets the other man convince him to meet up later for a test of strength. They’ll see who can do the most push-ups with one arm balancing their whole weight on one hand. It’ll be a serious test. Kakashi isn’t nearly as loyal to his training as Guy (no one on earth is). He finds that he’s rather looking forward to the challenge.

The memorial stone is on the way home. He greets Rin and Sensei and makes sure their graves are clean. His eye itches, so he shoves off his forehead protecter when he goes to speak with Obito. He says the same things he’s told the others. How therapy seems to be going well. About his team. About himself.

It’s easy because Obito is an excellent listener when he can’t interrupt.

_That’s a little morose, you asshole._

So is the thought that he’s standing up above ground while the rest of his team is down below.

_Why?_

“I’m not sure,” he says, answering the voice of Obito’s ghost in his brain, rubbing his itching eye. “I’m sorry.”

_Why?_

It’s familiar. It’s almost like he’s actually hearing Obito inside his head.

But it's obviously just his imagination. 

His eye is watering. More tears. Kakashi blinks to clear his vision and carefully closes Obito’s eye. He drags the forehead protector back down over his best friend’s eye, his last gift, and looks back down at the grave.

“I’ll bring you new flowers soon. Until then.”

He leaves the past behind him and heads toward home, toward his future.

+

“So are we… does this make us boyfriends?”

Sasuke looks up from folding laundry.

“Do you _want_ to be boyfriends?”

Naruto doesn’t answer right away, which is surprising. Sasuke has been avoiding calling them anything. Labels can bring expectations. He doesn’t know what he wants, with Naruto, except to be with him. He supposes there are worse things to be than Naruto’s boyfriend. He could be dead, like the rest of his family.

“Hey. You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sasuke says automatically. “Don’t ask if you don’t want an answer, idiot.”

“Would you still kiss me an’ stuff if we weren’t?”

Sasuke considers this.

Kissing can be comforting. You don’t have to date someone to kiss them, to comfort them. These can be mutually exclusive activities. Being boyfriends has strings attached. Expectations. They’re still really just fumbling through the aftermath of what happened together—it’s not like it’s love or anything. So it’s fine if Naruto isn’t really keen on being boyfriends, which is what it sounds like to Sasuke, who shrugs and finally answers Naruto’s question.

“Sure.”

Naruto looks a little giddy at this admission, and Sasuke snorts as he’s grabbed by greedy hands.

“So you don’t want to date me. How shocking.”

“Shut up! It’s not like, I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend,” Naruto says with a pout. “I like touching you, and I like it when you touch me. I just didn’t want you to get upset if I wanted to touch other people, too.”

Sasuke stops trying to fold laundry.

Naruto wants to touch other people? This is news to him.

“Oh? People, like who,” he asks as casually as possible, like he doesn’t really care, like he isn’t suddenly dying of curiosity.

Naruto doesn’t pick up on this and answers flippantly.

“Well since everyone and their cousin says that I can’t ask _Kakashi-sensei_, I’ve been thinking, y’know? I still think Sakura-chan is pretty. I thought I might see if she wanted to kiss me. It’s nice with you. I thought it might be nice with her, too.”

Sasuke grabs his irrational emotional reaction to this—that Naruto might want someone else, might be interested in _anyone but him_—and shrugs. He’s not Naruto’s owner. They’re separate people, and obviously, they have different ideas of what being boyfriends means.

At least he asked before he went looking for other partners.

And it’s _Sakura_.

Not to belittle her at all—Sakura’s just safe, in Sasuke’s head. Besides, they’ve already tried kissing, him and her, and she obviously hated it, so it won’t be happening again. Sasuke kissing Sakura. He thinks about Naruto kissing Sakura and he isn’t as upset as he expected. He doesn’t mind. It’s fine, then. So he goes back to doing laundry.

“Whatever.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So, we’re cool?”

Sasuke flips a shirt over and starts folding a pair of pants. “Cool.”

Naruto grins cheekily.

“Awesome!” He leans in and Sasuke pauses as Naruto pecks him on the cheek, leaning in and leaning out in the space of a single breath, and then he’s barreling out the door in pursuit of their other teammate. “See ya later, Sasuke!”

Naruto disappears out of the house to find Sakura and ask her to kiss him.

Sasuke finishes the laundry as Yamato walks in.

“Sasuke. It’s time for your appointment. Are you ready?”

“Aa.”

Yamato watches him as he slips into his sandals. “Did something happen?”

“How do you _both_ know,” Sasuke demands, standing and walking toward the door. “You and Kakashi-sensei can always tell when something’s bugging me. How?”

“You’re a little out practice hiding your feelings,” Yamato explains as they start out of the house together. “And I’ve been trained to read emotions as part of ROOT training. If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t press.”

Sasuke says nothing to that. Yamato waits, patient.

They make it through the civilian section in silence. It’s comfortable. Sasuke is clearly thinking. Yamato gives him room to mull over his thoughts. Nothing good can come from rushing things. He thinks of Kakashi, and a smile blossoms across his face.

“You look pleased. Something good happen last night after all?”

Yamato is startled out of his thoughts. Sasuke is smirking up at him.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Didn’t have to,” Sasuke says, amused. “You’re _blushing_.”

“Can we please talk about something else,” Yamato croaks, pink with humiliation. He cannot believe he’s discussing his intimate physical affairs with a teenager.

It comes very close to making Sasuke laugh. That’s worth the profound sense of embarrassment.

The dark-haired Uchiha looks up at Yamato with that pleased expression for a few more moments. Then his face shifts, as though he’s remembered something unpleasant, and it eats away at his good mood. Yamato senses Sasuke wants to talk about it so he stops walking. They’re very close to the therapist’s but Sasuke seems to prefer confiding in Yamato. Humbled, he gives the younger man his entire attention.

“Naruto… wants to kiss other people.”

He really isn’t trained for this.

“And how does that makes you feel,” Yamato asks, praying to a higher power that he doesn’t fuck up this very important conversation with his sempai’s student.

“I don’t know. I think I’d feel different if it was someone else, but he wants to kiss Sakura.”

“Did he want to kiss Sakura before?”

Sasuke snorts. “It was all he could talk about before all this. He never shut up about her. It was kind of infuriating, actually.”

Sasuke is voluntarily talking about his feelings. Yamato tries not to feel tremendously proud and keeps the conversation going.

“You said before. Do you feel different, now?”

“….I do. It’s weird. I was upset, when he said it, at first. But then he said who—it’s _Sakura_,” Sasuke says, like her name is an explanation in itself. And in a way it is. Yamato gets it. Sakura is safe. Sakura went through what they both went through. They’re closer because of it. And maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe Naruto just needs to explore his sexuality and maybe it’s the best thing for him that he does it with his team, who he clearly adores, who are good for him. So when that’s all that Sasuke says, Yamato nods in agreement.

“I get that.”

“Yeah.”

“But I don’t like thinking about him kissing anyone else,” Sasuke finishes, face twisted in mild resentment.

Yamato feels his eyebrows hike up.

_This could be a problem._

“…you’re both young,” he hedges, trying not to upset the younger man. “He probably just wants to explore. It isn’t uncommon for teenager to try out different things with different people.”

Sasuke’s scrunched look increases.

“Why,” he demands, like Yamato has all the answers, has any answers about anything having to do with teenage sexuality.

He’s quickly realizing that he’s way way out of his depth.

But Sasuke is still looking at him, expectant, and Yamato desperately wants to have a good answer for his question. He wants to help. Sasuke _trusts_ him. It’s vital to get this right.

Yamato stops and faces Sasuke fully. He shows emotion on his face, so Sasuke can see how seriously he’s taking the conversation. “Sasuke, _I don’t know_. I don’t have all the answers. I didn’t have a conventional childhood, so I don’t know from experience… but I want you to know that it means a lot to me that you trust me enough to ask.”

Sasuke goes crimson at the admission.

The jounin smiles down at his sometimes-student.

“We’re a little late for your appointment,” Yamato says slowly. “But if you’d rather continue our conversation, we can just reschedule.”

Sasuke looks at the ground, suddenly shy. He nods without looking up.

Yamato feels touched. Sasuke wants to confide in him. He’s no therapist but it’s obvious that Sasuke would rather talk to Yamato. The jounin excuses himself and slips inside the building to arrange things. When he returns, Sasuke falls in step beside him easily, and they walk back along the road aimlessly.

They don’t have anywhere to be for the next couple of hours. They pass by the civilian district and wander through the streets of Konoha. He never would have expected it to be nice, just spending time with the quiet Uchiha. There isn’t much to connect them.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. They both care about Kakashi.

They end up wandering around the training grounds. Sasuke starts a routine warm-up exercise and Yamato falls into a mild meditative trance. Together they spend a few minutes preparing to spar. When they finally prepare to fight, there’s a wily smirk that Sasuke wears that puts Yamato on edge, but he forces it off by beginning the fight with a ground-shaking Earth-jutsu. Sasuke counters with a barrage of shuriken, forcing Yamato to abandon the jutsu to dodge. They trade blows and the training ground fills with the sharp sounds of their weapons colliding.

He rolls out of the path of an impressive fireball when it happens. There’s a puff of smoke, and suddenly _Kakashi_ is coming straight at him.

Yamato freezes for a split-second. Then he slams a hand to the ground, wood erupting to life from the earth, and encases the shape of the other jounin in branches.

Meanwhile he’s lost sight of Sasuke, and it’s only instinct that saves him when a huge log drops out of the sky from overhead, completely unexpected. There’s a disappointed sound from the bushes, and that’s where Yamato aims. Then there’s a strangled sound of surprise. Yamato stands with both hands on his hips as thick branches rise up out of the bush, Sasuke tangled up inside them, looking spectacularly frustrated at his loss.

“You gave yourself away,” Yamato scolds as he releases the Mokuton. “That distraction was almost perfect.”

“I wanted to see how you’d react,” Sasuke admits as he steps out of the twisting wood. “What is that technique? I haven’t seen you use it often.”

“My _Mokuton_? It’s inherited from the Shodaime Hokage.”

Sasuke’s eyebrows rise way up.

“You’re related to Senju Hashirama? The Lord First Hokage?” He squints suspiciously. “How old are you, really?”

He can’t help it—he laughs at that.

“I assure you I’m _only_ 23.”

Sasuke looks down at the ground.

“Kakashi-sensei is 27. Right?”

“Aa. A little older than me,” Yamato agrees, suspicious.

Sasuke doesn’t continue but it’s obvious something is on his mind. Cautious, Yamato pries gently.

“Something about that bothering you?”

The genin doesn’t respond. Yamato keeps to himself. He doesn’t want to push when Sasuke isn’t ready to talk. He’s busy trying to think of other things for them to discuss, he nearly misses it when Sasuke speaks again.

“I hated it when he touched me.”

Yamato very carefully says nothing at all. Maybe he should have let Sasuke go to therapy after all. He’s **so** far out of his depth with the way the conversation has turned. He doesn’t know what to say, whether to stop Sasuke or keep listening, and he doesn’t have time to figure it out because Sasuke suddenly starts talking and doesn’t stop.

“His hands… he’s so much older—his hands were _warm_. I can’t forget how they felt, when he…”

“Sasuke, it’s okay,” Yamato tries to interject, “You don’t have to talk about it. We don’t have to talk about anything, if you want.”

But Sasuke keeps going, eyes widening like he’s amazed that it’s all coming out at once and terrified that he doesn’t know how to stop it.

“I didn’t want him to—I know he had to, now. But… it felt awful, with the drugs, and I hated it! I didn’t want him to t-t-t-touch me and now, with Naruto, when we do things together I can’t stop thinking about it.” Sasuke looks up to stare at Yamato with unblinking eyes filled with a tremulous emotion. “He tried to make it quick—he didn’t try to make it personal. It was like business. He didn’t enjoy it. He hated it, too. He hated it so much he really tried to die after.”

“Sasuke…”

“Why,” Sasuke demands, angry and volatile, eyes spinning red into the Sharingan as he seeks answers, “_Why_?”

“I don’t know,” Yamato says, feeling helpless. “Sasuke, you have to know he didn’t want it to happen, to any of you—he tried to stop it and it happened anyway. Sometimes things happen that no one can stop.”

“He should have,” Sasuke snarls. “He’s strong. He could have! He’s saved us before.”

Yamato hates the way Sasuke’s voice is so fueled by negative emotion. He’s only ever heard the other boy speak before in quiet monotone or amusement. To hear him breathless with rage like this is painful.

He wants to help but he’s absolutely useless. This goes beyond what he can handle. He needs help.

“Maybe we should go back to the therapist.”

Sasuke throws himself bodily at Yamato. His normal fluid grace is gone. He’s emotional, wild, fueled by fury and grief which makes him sloppy. It’s easy to evade. The jounin does what comes naturally; he snatches Sasuke out of the air and grips him tightly. A touch of Mokuton and his arms become a vice, holding the thrashing teenager against Yamato’s chest.

He’s _hysterical_. Snarling, spitting with overwhelming emotion, and _he trusts Yamato_. He’s lashing out because he doesn’t know how else to express himself. He explodes, a wordless howl filled with anguish that guts the older man.

He hangs on as Sasuke thrashes. Sasuke wanted him—came to him, chose _him_. It’s up to Yamato to prove he can handle whatever Sasuke throws at him in his grief.

He isn’t trained in therapy, but he knows what to do when a teammate goes hyper-emotional on the field. Restrain and sedate. Sedation he’ll save for extreme measures, if restraint isn’t enough, and so he hangs on, holding Sasuke tightly to him, teeth grit in grim determination as the teenager howls and kicks and cries out. The Mokuton makes his efforts useless. He flails and rages and throws his head back to try and stun the older man; Yamato sees it coming a mile away and dodges.

It’s a harrowing couple of minutes of struggling before Sasuke goes limp with exhaustion. He gasps for air, gulping with how hard he’s tried to break free, but Yamato just holds him, arms never letting go, never giving up even in the face of Sasuke’s furious glare.

“Let go of me.”

“Not until you calm down.”

“I said, _let go_!”

“And I said, not until you’re calm.”

“I’m fine—“

Yamato’s stern voice cuts him off. “You’re emotionally compromised. You’re letting your anger drive you thoughtlessly. I won’t let you down until you can prove you can maintain control over your reactions.”

Sasuke pants and doesn’t reply.

Yamato’s face is unflinching but inside he’s _absolutely terrified._ He’s obviously messed up. Should he have fought the younger man instead of restraining him, let him blow off steam with another fight? He’s responsible for what happens next. He was the one who chose to try and support Sasuke on his own, with no formal training, with no idea what he was doing. What if he’s ruined all the positive progress Sasuke has made with his actual therapist? Yamato wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for causing such a set back. And now Sasuke’s breathing is more even, though he isn’t talking, and Yamato keeps a straight face but he’s watching the teenager trapped in his arms with baited breath, ready to face the response.

Which is for Sasuke to lean in, and drop his head down against Yamato’s shoulder, all the fight gone out of him at last.

“…sorry.”

_Oh thank god._

“Thank you,” Yamato murmurs, quietly releasing the Mokuton but never letting Sasuke go. “You worried me.”

“I know. ‘M sorry.”

He takes a single, slow breath in. He didn’t realize he’d been holding it. Sasuke’s cheek is warm against his shoulder. Yamato is still way out of his comfort level for handling things like this but Sasuke has calmed down. That’s a huge positive first step. Now what? They probably shouldn’t talk about Sasuke’s feelings anymore today. Not until they’ve had some time to wind down and process. He’s upset with himself that he allowed this to happen, but at the same time Yamato feels an irrational pride in himself because Sasuke chose him to handle his melt down. When he needed to break, he trusted Yamato. There’s something about that which fills Yamato’s heart full to bursting.

Sasuke hangs limp in his arms, pressed against his shoulder, exhausted from his outburst. It’s difficult for Yamato to imagine such explosive passion locked away inside the normally stoic teenager, but then again, Sasuke is just thirteen. He’s full of hormones and he’s already had a hard start, with the murder of his family, and now the personal physical trauma they’ve all faced. It’s amazing he’s held onto this for as long as he had.

To his surprise, Sasuke doesn’t just lie limp in his arms for long. A hand comes up to rest on his arm. Then, the other, gripping the fabric of his vest. And finally, most surprising of all but perhaps the logical conclusion to such an episode, Sasuke falls asleep right there in his arms.

The brown-haired man gathers up his student against his chest. Sasuke’s hand still grips his vest in sleep. Yamato secures his precious cargo and starts the walk back to Kakashi’s house.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Very Important Chapter

The pink-haired girl smiles as Ino rambles on while they walk back from her therapy appointment. It’s really nice to have her friend back. The way they were before Sasuke, before they became rivals in love, and Sakura is unspeakably grateful for her sudden solid support. It’s because of Ino that she doesn’t mind speaking out more often. Ino has helped her work through the things she was too scared to admit to the therapist. They discussed her, today, in therapy, to the woman’s utter delight. She wasn’t jealous at all, to Sakura’s surprise. She told her that if she wants Ino can come to therapy sessions.

She’s such a good friend. Sakura is really lucky to have her.

“…all the time, it’s really annoying! And Chouji is no better—hey! Are you even listening to me?”

“Nope,” Sakura says with a cheeky smile, just to see Ino go pink with indignation.

“What? For how long! Sakura!”

“Sakura-chaaaan!”

Both girls look up at the cheerful call. Naruto is running up, cheeks pinched with how hard he’s grinning, waving enthusiastically as he comes over. Sakura greets him with a fond look. It’s nice that even after everything that’s happened she can still count on Naruto’s sunshine-bright spirit.

“Sakura-chan, are you all done? I can walk you home!”

“Buzz off, Naruto,” Ino snaps, hands on her hips. “I’m walking Sakura home.”

“Ino,” Sakura says.

“That’s okay,” Naruto babbles, chipper as ever. “I’ll walk with both of you! Hey, hey! How’d it go?”

“You idiot! You don’t just ask somebody about something like that,” Ino hisses, shoving Naruto in the shoulder. “It’s private!”

“Ouch! Oi! She’s my teammate! I care about her, y’know? I was just asking!”

Sakura smiles softly as they start walking, both blondes bickering the whole way. It almost feels like she’s walking with her team, Naruto arguing with Ino in the same competitive way he argues with Sasuke.

Back at Kakashi-sensei’s house, Ino hangs around long enough for Sakura to get mildly annoyed. She doesn’t need a minder. She can take care of herself. Eventually she convinces Ino that she’ll come by later, just to get rid of her. Ino lights up, appeased, and takes off. Naruto hardly waits until Ino is out of hearing range to complain.

“Man! I thought she would _never_ leave.”

“Naruto,” Sakura reprimands, “Ino’s my friend. She’s just worried about me.”

“Yeah—I get that, y’know? But she acted like you were gonna get jumped by literally anyone who came close to us.”

“She is a little overbearing…”

“Totally!”

“…but she’s my friend. I like that she’s worried about me. It means she cares, and that’s really nice.”

Naruto grins and Sakura feels like all’s right in the world. Things are so much better now. Kakashi-sensei hasn’t had an episode in so long. Sasuke isn’t a silent vessel of wordless rage. Naruto has stopped trying to do inappropriate things with Kakashi-sensei. She finally feels right again.

It’s good.

And then Naruto asks to kiss her.

“I just wanna try,” he needles, bouncing on both feet like an excitable child. “Just to see! I tried it, with Sasuke, and I really, _really_ liked it!”

“Isn’t it enough? With Sasuke-kun,” she asks, worried.

“Maa… I mean, it’s nice. I like him,” Naruto agrees. “But I really like kissing! And I really like you!”

_That’s nice,_ her brain supplies, while her heart aches, just a little.

“I… you just want to try it? Kissing? With me...”

She squints at him, suspicious.

“...is it because I’m a girl?”

“Yeah!” Naruto crows, sensing Sakura is close to giving in. “I just wanna see if it’s different from kissing guys. That’s all! And, if you don’t wanna, I don’t mind. Maybe I’ll ask Ino. But I have a feeling like she’d just tell me no, just because. But you’re my teammate—and I like you, y’know? So, so, is it okay?”

She remembers coming in close, with Sasuke, who she’s liked for years, who she wanted to kiss, fervently, and a shiver runs down her spine.

No.

“Hey. Sakura-chan, it’s fine. We don’t have to.”

Green eyes look up to blue, swimming with sadness.

“Naruto… if… if you want to—“

“Sakura-chan, it’s really okay,” Naruto cuts in with surprising maturity. “You don’t wanna. That matters a LOT! I don’t wanna make you look like you do, all scrunched up, and upset.” He reaches up with a slow hand, gently tucking a stray stand of pink back behind Sakura’s ear. His smile is a little sad but it isn’t because they can’t kiss—it’s because Sakura was willing to make herself uncomfortable, for his sake, and she shouldn’t. “If it’s something **you** want to do, some day, I’m totally down. Believe it! But I don’t ever wanna make you do something that makes you look so _sad_ like this.”

His thumb comes up over her cheek to swipe at a stray tear.

“You mean the world to me, y’know? I can tell when you’re uncomfortable. I’m not that stupid.”

“I didn’t say you were,” she denies, blinking back the rest of her tears. Naruto grins and takes her hand.

“Yeah you did! You say it _all the time_! You tell me I’m dumb as bricks. And I am! ‘Bout most stuff...”

He walks, her hand in his, leading and she follows. “But not this. Not when it comes to us."

Sakura can only stare as they walk together. Who is this person, she wonders, and where is the block-headed oblivious moron she's used to? The difference in Naruto's personality is staggering. But maybe he's been this person all along and she was just too caught up looking only at Sasuke to see it. She looks at Naruto, really, really looks at him, as he adopts a bright smile and squeezes her hand in his. 

"I’m sorry for making you feel sad, Sakura-chan. Let’s go find Sasuke! I saw you giggling, when he kissed me at breakfast! If you want to watch, I don’t mind.”

Sakura feels her sad feeling evaporate in favor of embarrassment.

“I don’t want to watch! Naruto!”

He cackles at her good-naturedly.

“You were pink as your hair, Sakura-chan! You totally liked watching.”

“I do not!”

“Do too!”

“Do _not_! Naruto!”

He’s dragged her to the edge of Kakashi-sensei’s property when she snaps, screaming and chasing him around. Naruto yelps and takes off, dodging her furious embarrassed punches.

“Get back here!”

“Uwah! I’ll die! Don’t kill me, Sakura-chan! I still have to become Hokage someday, y’know! WAH!”

“You can’t be Hokage coz’ you’re DEAD, Naruto! _Get back here_!”

+

Kakashi comes home in time to prevent Naruto’s untimely demise by a furiously blushing Sakura.

It strikes him how normal they look—Naruto yelling and tumbling to avoid Sakura’s strikes, Sakura shouting, actually _yelling_ at Naruto as she seeks retribution for something. It’s amazing. He hasn’t seen them together like this in what feels like months. It’s a tribute to Sakura’s therapist, and to Naruto’s resiliency, that they’re not still former shells of themselves, twitchy, avoiding people. They look good. And as Naruto yelps, getting tangled up in a rope trap, he knows that they’ll be alright.

He flash-steps over to catch Sakura’s hands up before she can decapitate her teammate.

“Yo. Don’t _actually_ kill him.”

“It’ll be quick,” Sakura promises, grumbling under her breath, “I won’t leave a mess all over your property, Kakashi-sensei.”

“Maa, it’s difficult to find another team member so late in the year, Sakura-chan. At least wait ‘till Spring.”

“WHAT,” Naruto shouts, horrified. “Kakashi-sensei! Please, you gotta save me!”

“I am saving you,” he says glibly as Sakura huffs and packs away her kunai. “Say 'thank you'.”

“But! Get me down from here!”

“What kind of ninja can’t get out of a simple rope trap?” Kakashi asks. “Get yourself down. Dinner’s soon.”

They leave Naruto tied up, up-side-down to a tree in the front of Kakashi’s property. Sakura is very quiet as they walk side by side but Kakashi tries not to think it’s his fault. Lately things have gotten better. He’s proved that he means to get better. He’s taking his medicine. He’s going to therapy. He’s finding his way, with Yamato’s help, and they’re taking missions again.

Things are good. Right?

“Sakura,” Kakashi asks cautiously. “You okay?”

Sakura shakes her head.

“Naruto asked to kiss me.”

_Blue eyes are going dark with desire and Kakashi feels his stomach drop out as Naruto slides into his lap. “You kissed back,” he hears, remembers. “You **do** like me.”_

Kakashi controls his breathing.

“And you told him…”

“I said no.”

He can’t help it—he looks at her, searching for signs of assault.

Sakura catches him looking and shakes her head.

“He did nothing, Sensei. He’s better than before. Back when he… when he attacked you… he was wild, then. Uncontrolled. Crazy. He’s better now. I was going to say yes, even though I didn’t want to, and he turned me down.”

Kakashi blinks.

“He did?”

Sakura’s smile is soft and lovely.

“He did. I’m really grateful.”

He’s unspeakably grateful, too, that nothing happened. He doesn’t know what he would do if there was an incident. Perhaps he should ask the therapist for guidance, just in case.

_You assaulted them, first,_ his brain reminds him.

His hand moves to lie over his stomach. Sakura sees, and reaches out to take his hand. Kakashi blinks as she pulls it down and away from his abdomen, away from the scar. Her green eyes are soft. Her fingers linger on his skin, linked with the hand he used to touch her, to make her come and he tries to pull away, gently. She doesn’t let go.

“It’s alright. Kakashi-sensei, you can’t avoid touching us forever.”

His heart is thundering in his ears. It’s difficult to hear.

“I hurt you,” he croaks out.

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry, Sakura.”

She stops walking, his hand in hers.

“Thank you, Kakashi-sensei. I believe you, now.” Sakura is smiling, soft and sincere. Her hand is loose around his but never for an instant does she release his hand from hers. “I forgive you.”

+

Kakashi is sitting very still when Yamato walks in, Sasuke still slumped in his arms. He looks up at the sound of Yamato’s footsteps and jumps to his feet, his visible eye widening as he flash-steps over in alarm. Yamato stops him with a look.

“He’s just asleep. But he had quite the episode, earlier.” He sees Kakashi’s obvious concern and nods. “I’ll fill you in shortly. Let me set him down to rest.”

The silver-haired man nods and steps back, but Yamato can feel his one eye watching worriedly the entire way.

Once Sasuke is settled in bed Yamato steps out to rejoin the other jounin. Kakashi looks doubly shaken. Something must have happened in his absence. He takes a seat on the floor, gestures Kakashi to join him. The former ANBU drops down soundlessly though his emotions are all over the place. He’s obviously dealing with a lot.

“He was upset.”

“Did he attack you?”

“He confided in me,” Yamato disagrees. “He needed to break. He was hurt. He’s confused, and young, and jealous. Naruto wants to explore his sexuality, and Sasuke needs stability. Perhaps we should encourage them to take a break from dating.”

Kakashi blinks. “I don’t think they are. Dating.”

Yamato’s eyebrows hike up.

“But… at breakfast,” he mutters, mildly embarrassed to be discussing their student’s love lives like this, “they certainly seemed _involved_.”

“I don’t believe I’ve heard them talk about being together.”

Both jounin pause. It’s obviously an uncomfortable discussion. But Sasuke and Naruto need guidance, and this mess is Kakashi’s fault, so he prays for strength and soldiers on.

“I’ll talk to Sasuke. And Naruto. Separately, though. Can you help me? You don’t have to say anything. Just… be there?”

“I can do that,” Yamato says. “And I don’t mind saying something, if you need back up. I’m here for you, _sempai_.”

Kakashi’s eye softens.

“I’m very glad for that. Thank you, Yamato.”

Yamato adopts a very gentle flush against his neck and Kakashi doesn’t stop himself from following through on the urge to lean in and kiss it. There’s a soft sound of approval as his lips close down over Yamato’s neck, kissing him gently through the mask, and a hand comes up to rest against his chest.

They part and bump foreheads. Yamato looks down over the edge of Kakashi’s mask to where their fingers are threaded together, hands entwined. He breathes in the other man’s scent and his eyelids flutter shut. His heart is thumping gently in his throat and it’s difficult to hold himself back. But Kakashi needs time, and space, and he can do this, for him.

“Sakura said…”

He opens his eyes to see the look of mild disbelief on Kakashi’s face, what he can see above the mask and the forehead protector. The other man looks up to find Yamato’s gaze, as though he needs confirmation that he’s not in a day dream.

“She forgave me.”

He sounds amazed. Yamato tilts his head to the side to see Kakashi’s single exposed eye better. Then he smiles.

“That’s good.”

“She forgave me,” he says again, as though questioning whether it’s real or not, and Yamato has the answer. “She said she believed me now, and 'I forgive you'.”

He isn’t sure what to say. It’s good, obviously. They _should_ move on. But Kakashi doesn’t seem to think he deserves to be forgiven, still. Yamato doesn’t know what to do—he’s gotten too involved, too personal to look at things objectively any more. “Are you upset,” he asks gently, holding Kakashi against him with both arms, squeezing his hand supportively. Kakashi takes a moment to answer; slowly he shakes his head.

“It doesn’t feel real. I hurt her… I allowed her, all of them, to become compromised like that. I don’t _deserve_ forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness isn’t something you earn—it’s given. You’ve beaten yourself up over this for long enough,” Yamato decides. “Sakura’s already forgiven you. Do you doubt her? Do you want her to take it back?”

Kakashi shakes his head mutely.

“Then accept it. If you still feel unworthy, prove it to her every day, that you’re someone deserving of the gift she’s given you. Be better. Do better. And focus on the rest of your team, and yourself.” Yamato’s voice drops as he finishes speaking. “Your students weren’t the only ones affected by that mission.”

“I know.” He looks up and reaches up slowly, pulling down his mask. Yamato leans in as Kakashi comes forward to kiss him.

They press into one another sweetly. Gently. It’s good, and Kakashi takes a step forward, guiding them back, until Yamato’s foot runs into the edge of the couch. He lets himself fall back and feels color race up his neck as Kakashi crawls on top of him, their bodies flush against the cushions.

There’s so much emotion on Kakashi’s face, so easily available with the mask gone. Yamato smiles at the rare sight, lets Kakashi remove his forehead protector as he leans back in for another kiss.

He loves kissing Kakashi. When they touch like this it makes his heart flutter. The way the older man hums against his mouth, exploring with tongue, tasting him, is intoxicating. He trembles as he tries to bury his desire, burning and bright beneath his skin, restraining himself as they touch. He’s not ready for more. Yamato can wait.

A thigh slots between his legs and he feels his eyes widen. Kakashi has his face buried against Yamato’s shoulder, is teasing the shell of his ear with the edge of his teeth, nipping. He’s grinding down against Yamato and it sends a hot wave of arousal rushing through Yamato’s veins. His hands come up to push Kakashi away and they’re deflected. Yamato doesn’t know whether to be thrilled or more severe—

And then there’s a high-pitched squeal, and he remembers _where_ they are.

“Sorry! Yamato-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, I’m going over to Ino’s, **bye**!” Sakura squeaks as she runs from the living room.

Yamato groans and shoves the other man off.

Kakashi goes gracelessly, though there’s a grin on his unmasked face as he falls flat on his ass. Yamato glares at him as they stand.

“Sempai. You did that on _purpose_,” he accuses, ears hot pink.

The grinning jounin doesn’t deny it, and Yamato grits his teeth and refrains from inflating bodily harm upon the other man. Barely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick Note: Taking a Brief Mental Health Break after next chapter, which will go up tomorrow, 2/13/2020. Regular updates will resume in like a week. ~2/20/2020


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke has a heart-to-heart, and I don't want to spoil it, just, go on and enjoy some sad/happy feels. Things have been looking up lately, for just about everyone.<s>(except naruto)</s>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING:** Naruto's therapy has been basically non-existent all this time, therefore, he is going to say some potentially upsetting things in this chapter.

Sasuke wakes up exhausted, which is weird, because he’s lying in a bed. Someone must have put him there because he doesn’t remember getting in bed in the middle of the day.

He sits up slowly, looking around. Back in Kakashi’s house. _Back home_, his brain supplies, and Sasuke doesn’t fight it. It’s just what it’s become.

Home.

A soft smirk pulls at the corner of his mouth.

Every day of his life since Itachi snapped and killed the entire clan has been a long, lonely, bitter existence. He’s kept everyone at arm’s length, fine on his own, until getting assigned to Team 7. After that it was inevitable, with the amount of time they spent together, to get at least a little bit attached.

Just how _much_ he cares about them is a bit of a surprise.

He thought he’d spend the rest of his life choked by rage, single-mindedly consumed with the need for revenge. He’s still resolved—still going to kill Itachi, avenge his clan, but he’s aware of other parts of himself that have developed right under his nose without his consent or approval. They’re just _there_. His respect for Kakashi. His reliance on Sakura to fix him when he pushes too hard.

And Naruto.

Naruto, who wants to kiss other people.

The smirk slips off his face.

It’s fine. He doesn’t mind if Naruto wants to kiss Sakura. She’s safe.

But what if that’t not enough? What if Naruto wants other people besides her and Sasuke? What then?

He shakes his head._ It’s fine._ It doesn’t really matter—Itachi is obviously more important. He’s just full of confusing hormones, a naturally occurring chemical imbalance. He’ll get over it.

…maybe just not today.

The sound of footsteps approaching tells him that Kakashi wants him to hear, because of course the jounin can navigate his own house in absolute silence. Sasuke’s a ninja, too, and he watches as the door opens to reveal his teacher.

“Sasuke.”

He nods, and receives a nod in kind. His teacher comes in, Yamato trailing behind, and Sasuke sits up slowly, eyes watchful as they take a seat on the floor beside his bed. Kakashi looks as well as he ever does these days, dark circles under his one visible eye from the lack of sleep. Yamato looks the same as always, face carved nearly out of stone…

...except Sasuke has seen it differently, now. Has seen his smile broaden when Kakashi comes in the room, the way he can grin if Sasuke shows unexpected mastery of a new technique—he’s come to know the brown-haired jounin quite a bit. So it’s easy to tell that Yamato is concerned as they regard him with a comfortable silence.

He was—is still—a mess.

“Earlier,” he hears himself say, abruptly into the silence, “I was…”

_Why is it so difficult to talk about feelings?_ Sasuke grits his teeth.

“It’s alright,” Yamato says kindly, “Sasuke. You don’t have to say anything. You were upset. We say things we don’t mean in the heat of those moments.”

Somehow, he feels forgiven, despite not deserving it. His shoulders fall slightly.

“Maa, maa. It’s okay, too, if you want to say something,” Kakashi says blandly. “Got something you want to get off your chest? We’ll listen. That’s what we’re here for.”

Sasuke looks up at that with a hint of resentment.

“What. Is this some kind of impromptu therapy session?”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Yamato says quickly. “It can just be us talking. About anything.”

“We actually came here to ask how you and Naruto are doing.” Kakashi’s single eye finds Sasuke’s gaze and holds it. “Things seemed good, earlier. Now, not so much.”

Sasuke realizes he’s breathing unevenly, and corrects that. He’s _fine_.

“Sasuke.”

The dark-haired Uchiha looks up at the sound of his name. Yamato’s face fractures at the edges, giving him away. He’s worried.

Sasuke feels stabbed in the heart. **He** did that. Yamato looks upset. Concerned, because of him, and it _hurts_.

_He_ hurts.

“He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t have to, but…”

“Who doesn’t want to what,” Kakashi asks.

“_Naruto_,” Sasuke says thickly, trying not to mind that he sounds like there’s a frog stuck in his throat. “Doesn’t want to date me. Wants to kiss other people.”

_Not me._

_It **hurts**._

“Why do we have to talk about it?” He asks, sudden and defensive. “It’s none of your business!”

“It becomes my business when it begins to affect team dynamics,” Kakashi says smoothly, glancing over to Yamato briefly. “Yamato had to restrain you because you were so upset. We have to have cooler heads, if we’re going to exercise in-team-relationships.”

Sasuke chokes. Or laughs. It’s difficult to tell.

He doesn’t want to have this conversation. It’s awkward. And weird. His chest feels tight, like someone has slammed a huge screw into the core of him and is twisting down relentlessly, squeezing him tighter and tighter until even breathing hurts. Everything hurts. His brain, his heart, his chest, his head, his stomach. He _hates_ it.

He wants it to stop.

Rage, familiar, and easy, explodes through his veins. He jumps to his feet, eyes wild.

“Go! Get out of my room! I don’t want to talk about it anymore!”

“Sasuke,” Yamato says sharply, startled. “Don’t shout—“

The door slides open and Sasuke feels the screw twist tighter. Naruto’s blue eyes are very wide and very worried.

“Sasuke—I heard you shouting—what happened?”

Naruto is a ninja and so he ducks when Sasuke chucks the pillow straight at his face.

“Woah! Sasuke, what the hell! You asshole, you almost hit me!”

Kakashi snags Yamato by the shoulder before he can intervene.

“Shut up! Get out, too! I don’t want to look at you right now! Just **go**!”

He stands and takes Yamato’s hand, leads him out despite the other jounin’s gentle protests.

“It’s my room, too, I can be in here if I wanna be! What’s gotten into you, jerk!”

_“What if they need us,” Yamato whispers as Kakashi leads him down the hall by his wrist._

“It’s none of your business! You don’t care about me! So just get out of here!”

_The taller man shrugs. “They’re not exactly whispering. We’ll hear. Come. Naruto’s got this.”_

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Sasuke laughs bitterly. “Don’t play dumb. You said it yourself! You don’t want to be boyfriends. You just like kissing me. And touching me. That’s all I’m good for! Isn’t that right?”

“I never said that! You bastard, I’ll make you hear me—“

“Shut up—let go—“

“Never! Sasuke, I’ll never let you go until you get it through your head! You’re not getting rid of me!” The shouting turns into tumbling, wrestling.

_Yamato twists his thumbs, restless with nerves, before Kakashi distracts him with a kiss._

The arguing continues but in softer tones. Naruto sounds just as hurt, just as sad as Sasuke, a little disbelieving when he asks, “How did you think I didn’t care about you anymore? I really, really like you!”

“How can you just… _say_ stuff like that,” Sasuke’s voice demands, childish, petulant. “What about earlier? Was that all just a game? To make me jealous and upset?”

“What game,” Naruto asks, and the sound of their wrestling dies off. “What are you talking about?”

“You said you want to kiss other people.”

“And I said I want to kiss you, too, you big dummy! Don’t just cherry-pick the stuff I say and remember what you want! It’s all important! Believe it!”

Sasuke snorts and Naruto barrels on.

“Sometimes I think about it. What happened, with all of us, and Kakashi-sensei. It’s bad, people keep telling me. And maybe it was, but I liked it—shut up, shut up, let me finish! _I liked what happened_, okay? Nothing you, or anyone else can say will make me change my mind! All the stuff that happened felt really good! It got me thinking, if it feels this good, maybe it’ll be good with other people. And then it _was_ good, with you!” There’s a pause. “Sasuke, I never thought about kissing you, before. But I want to kiss you now. And I don’t remember asking, and it seems really important—is it okay?”

“Is what okay,” Sasuke monotones.

_“Sounds like they’re alright,” Yamato murmurs into Kakashi’s mouth. “Think we can go now?”_

“If I kiss you and touch you and stuff?”

_“Oh,” Kakashi murmurs back, nipping the edge of Yamato’s lip with teeth and smoothing over the mark with tongue, “Was there something else you’d rather do?”_

“A little late, dead-last. But… yeah.”

_Yamato can’t answer because he’s too busy kissing Kakashi to shut him up._

“I really like you, but I like other people too. Does that bother you?”

There’s a longer pause this time.

“…I thought it would be fine. I tried telling myself I didn’t really care, since we’re not, a thing, or whatever,” Sasuke’s voice says very softly, “but it **does** bother me. A ton. I don’t want to think about you kissing people that aren’t me, or Sakura. Don’t laugh—we tried, too, but it was awful for her. She isn’t ready.”

“I don’t mind waiting for Sakura-chan! She’s so pretty. And nice! And she smells good, too.” There’s another bit of a pause, and what sounds less like wrestling, and more like two teenage boys rearranging their limbs to be closer, to touch. “Sasuke. You smell good, too, y’know.”

“Idiot. Maybe if you took more baths…”

“Hey! I’m trying to be romantic, here!”

“That was romantic? I’m doomed,” Sasuke mourns, but there’s the sound of soft snickering after, and then the quiet hush of hands sweeping over skin, moving clothes to get closer, to touch, and then there isn’t much talking after that.

+

They make it back to Kakashi’s room without ever breaking the kiss. Yamato feels the thrill of anticipation as Kakashi closes the door behind them and locks it.

He pulls back, breathless, and shares an excited look with his taller partner.

“Are you…”

Kakashi’s single eye seems to sparkle.

“Who can say,” he says quietly, voice soft as velvet, “but I’m ready to try again, if you are.”

They discard their clothes as they fall into bed together. Yamato can’t help his racing heart. Kakashi must hear it, and reaches out a pale hand to cover Yamato’s chest, to feel it trying to thunder up his throat and out his mouth. To keep it bottled, Kakashi kindly leans in and blocks Yamato’s mouth with his own, so his heart can’t escape.

It doesn’t feel like last time. Kakashi isn’t gripped by guilt, hearing voices or seeing things. He’s here, and he’s turned on, and Yamato nearly keens with pleasure as they get their boxers off and fall together on the bed. Both of them are leaking, mildly turned on from making out in the hall way, and the slick helps when they slide together.

He’s thought about this. How it would look to have Kakashi’s broad shoulders leaned over him, rocking their hips together, building a rhythm that’s good for the both of them. The reality is so much better than anything he’s ever dreamed. Kakashi notices Yamato watching and offers a shy smile. Then he rolls his hips, and they both groan at the sensation of skin on skin as their erections get pinned between their stomaches.

“You feel really good,” Kakashi says huskily, leaning down to suck Yamato’s neck, to hear him gasp in pleasure. “Taste good, too.”

“_Kakashi_,” Yamato hisses, cheeks scarlet, hips canting up to thrust them together.

The friction is incredible. The feeling of Kakashi’s cock sliding up against his own, rutting together makes Yamato moan. Kakashi’s hands wander, seeking his reactions. He thumbs a nipple with one hand and gets a hand under Yamato’s neck to pull him closer, makes it easier to nip at the skin of his throat with teeth. Yamato shivers and whines, almost delirious under Kakashi’s touch. He’s waited so long and it’s so good.

He tries to ask if it’s really okay and Kakashi shuts him up with a sharp thrust, and a cocky eyebrow raised up high.

“If you really can’t tell by now, I don’t think you deserve an answer to that question,” Kakashi drawls, seeming deeply amused as he thrusts with his hips like he’s fucking Yamato. The motion sends stars flying across the younger man’s vision. Yamato briefly checks out, feeling too good to describe.

When he can think again he realizes that Kakashi has nibbled and sucked at his shoulder hard enough to leave marks. Yamato thinks he’ll love them when he can see them. He’s also panting because Kakashi is moving faster, slotting them together roughly, and one hand has dropped down between them to fist their cocks. The grip is _delicious_. Yamato nearly chokes with how good it is, hot and tight, and then he catches the look on Kakashi’s face.

The silver-haired man looks feral, made primal with passion, cheeks and neck flushed as he rocks them together, fucking them into his slick hand with a wild look.

“Gonna make you come,” Kakashi growls, “_ah_! Fuck, Yamato…”

Their hips roll together and it’s amazing. Yamato can’t get enough of the way Kakashi shakes and says his name, like he’s aching for it, eager to come and get them covered in the way he smells. It’s arousing to think that Kakashi has been wanting this, too. He pants and his head falls back onto the sheets of Kakashi’s bed, wrapped up in Kakashi’s smell, cock slanting up against Kakashi’s dick, and Yamato crams a fist to his mouth, to muffle his shout when he comes.

Hot droplets cover his stomach as he spends himself between them. The extra lubrication causes Kakashi to slip, his thrust sliding over Yamato’s lower stomach with a very wet sound and Kakashi cusses, pushed over the edge. Yamato is busy riding the wave down of his own orgasm but not too busy to make a satisfied sound when he’s covered by Kakashi’s passionate expression. The smell isn’t something he’ll ever be into, personally, but just the thought of their foray into sexual pleasures is enough to push it completely out of Yamato’s mind.

They sink back into the sheets, Yamato on his back and Kakashi sliding off of him with a wet sound to collapse onto his front. He finds that his panting is interrupted by a brief kiss, sloppy but sweet, and then Kakashi mumbles something about cleaning them and rolls away off of the bed.

Yamato can’t manage a _single_ thought. He’s on cloud nine.

“Well, then. I’ll take that as a compliment,” Kakashi says, and Yamato can _hear_ the smirk in his voice.

“Don’t get cocky,” Yamato warns, but it’s futile, with the way he sounds: utterly blissed out and too pleased to even feign annoyance. His cheeks are only glowing because he’s happy, not because he’s out of his mind with satisfaction, heart so full it could burst—okay. Maybe Kakashi deserves to gloat, a little.

Yamato gives up the pretense and just basks. “Fine. It was spectacular. Oh, shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t have to—I can _hear_ you grinning. Shut up and come cuddle me.”

“Aa. So demanding. Be nicer to your _sempai_,” Kakashi complains.

Yamato wants to tease back, to come up with something witty to say, to play and needle because it’s fun, but what ends up coming out of his mouth is, “I love you.”

Silence.

The brilliance of his afterglow is ripped away as Yamato realizes what he’s said. He starts to sit up, sharply, when a hand catches his shoulder. He doesn’t get the chance to try and take it back because Kakashi is kissing him gently, lips pressed against his, smooth and coaxing.

He tries to enjoy it but terror has seized his heart. _It’s too early._ He wasn’t thinking or he would have never said that. Kakashi is barely ready for sex. There’s no way he’s ready for something like heartfelt confessions.

“Stop that.”

Yamato blinks, and realizes that Kakashi has stopped kissing him.

“I’m sorry,” he says quickly, “I didn’t mean…”

“I think you did,” Kakashi accuses gently. He sounds apologetic, which drives disappointment like nails deep into Yamato’s chest. Before he can be swallowed up by humiliation and sorrow, Kakashi continues. “Yamato. Stop worrying. Look at me? Please.”

His eyes sting. Yamato realizes, distantly, that he may or may not be crying.

Kakashi’s thumb comes up to sweep away a stray tear.

Definitely crying.

“It isn’t fair,” Yamato whispers, shaking his head. “To you. I shouldn’t have said that—I didn’t mean… maybe, even if I meant it, it’s too soon.”

“Maybe,” Kakashi agrees quietly, though his hand stays put on Yamato’s cheek. “Look at me.”

Yamato looks.

“I don’t know if it’s love. I’ve only loved someone once and I had to bury it, because he already loved somebody else and his heart wasn’t big enough for two. I tried so long to make myself believe that I was fine. But the truth is it hurt me tremendously to have to try and kill those feelings. I’m still not over it.” There’s a brittle smile as Kakashi bears his heart. “I’m still not over him. Every time I think I’ve finally let go, something brings them back. It’s like I can’t escape.”

It hurts to hear. Yamato should be jealous, or upset. He finds, instead, that he’s only sad that Kakashi can’t get rid of the shackles of his youth.

“I’ve felt this way ever since he died. Every since that day, until you stopped me in the woods.”

His heart beats a rhythm in the pattern of hope inside his chest.

“It started then. And it’s grown, now. It’s nice when you’re around. I like you. You make me feel good. You make a difference. You’re _incredible_, and maybe it is love and maybe it isn’t. I don’t really know. The last time I loved someone it hurt me so badly that I’ve never loved anyone since. I don’t even know if I can.” Kakashi pauses and the edges of his smile smooth out into something shy.

“But you make me want to try.”

He pauses to brush away the tears that spill over the edge of Yamato’s eyes.

“Can you give me time?”

“I said I’d wait,” Yamato says when he can speak again. “When are you going to start believing me?”

“I don’t want to make you wait forever,” Kakashi says with a more familiar look, less hopeless longing, less caught up in the heartbreak from his past and more invested in Yamato, caring about Yamato, maybe even a little bit in love with Yamato and it makes hope rise up inside him in a way nothing else ever has.

Some people wish their dreams would come true. Yamato would discount them, because things like that don’t happen in reality. Statistically, it’s improbable.

And yet his dreams are literally coming true right here, right now, wrapped up in Kakashi’s arms, hearing that _Kakashi cares_.

What can he even say? He’s happier than he ever thought he might be.

Kakashi remembers his request from earlier and nuzzles against Yamato’s cheek with his own. “Don’t worry about it any more tonight,” he sighs softly, his breath a balm over the ache in Yamato’s heart, so full it might burst out of him. “Sleep.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breather between now and the last arc. Story's been a wild ride, folks. Not much longer to the end. I'm really proud that everyone <s>except Naruto</s> has come so far.

They wake up together in Sasuke’s bed. Naruto grins sleepily and rolls over on top, wrapping up the other boy in a lazy embrace. Sasuke comes awake slower, grumbling and shifting his hips so Naruto unbalances and falls over off of him. The blonde’s laughter lights up the room, and black eyes blink open fully.

“Where’s Sakura,” he asks straight away.

Naruto comes in to kiss his mouth and Sasuke shuts his eyes for a moment to enjoy the sensation.

His cheeks may or may not be pink when Naruto pulls back.

“Sleepover with that loudmouth chick. Wasshername—Ino,” Naruto says as he stretches and rolls onto his back beside his teammate. “She said so earlier. Weren’t you paying attention yesterday?”

Sasuke shakes his head. “You pissed me off.”

“You pissed you off,” Naruto corrects, grinning ear to ear. “You were so upset! You _care about me_—“

“Shut up—“

“—_so much_ that you can’t share me—“

“Who would want to share their boyfriend, you idiot!”

Naruto’s grin gets so big it threatens to spit his cheeks.

“You wanna date me? Gosh!”

Sasuke jumps up to smother his idiot boyfriend with the pillow.

He enjoys the sound of Naruto’s muffled screams and please for mercy as they wrestle. Eventually Naruto fakes dying and goes limp, lying still beneath the pillow. Sasuke rolls his eyes and sits down on his stomach, hard. The blonde gives himself away, heaving with the sudden weight, throwing the pillow and Sasuke off with a flail.

“Don’t joke about dying,” Sasuke snaps when Naruto sits up to gasp for air.

“Then don’t try to kill me, bastard!” Naruto says back, trying to catch his breath. “I couldn’t breathe!”

“It’s cotton,” Sasuke says with boredom, completely unconcerned. “You were never in danger.”

“You’d save me if I was.”

He says it nonchalantly, because he’s Naruto but Sasuke knows he means it, utterly, that he trusts Sasuke to save him if ever he was in actual mortal peril, and it makes him swallow thickly.

How did he let this blonde idiot get so deep under his skin?

Instead of playing, bickering back, Sasuke rolls up and away to get dressed. Naruto picks up on the shift in mood and follows with careful footsteps. Sasuke pulls on his shirt and then two arms wrap him up, hold him back against Naruto’s body. Sasuke allows it, holding still as Naruto holds him close. He can feel the way Naruto’s head leans in to knock up against the back of his. They’re standing flush, Naruto’s hips up against Sasuke’s ass but there’s no sexual energy to it. Naruto is worried.

“Hey. Is everything okay? Sasuke.”

“I’m fine,” he says automatically, a reflex. He can feel Naruto’s lips turning down, frowning against the skin of his neck.

“No, you’re not,” he argues, not letting go. “I’m not a therapist but you know you can talk to me. Right?”

Sasuke doesn’t say anything because there’s nothing wrong. He’s fine.

Naruto huffs, irritated. He still doesn’t let go.

“You don’t have to talk to me. I can go get Kakashi-sensei. Or Yamato-sensei! I can even go find Sakura-chan, if you wanna talk to her instead of me!” His voice goes soft, surprising to Sasuke, as Naruto speaks into the back of his neck. “I don’t mind if you still don’t trust me yet.”

He can’t argue. He’s too upset. After all the drama from the other day, the shouting and the fight with Yamato-sensei, and the argument with Naruto Sasuke can tell he’s not sure he’s ready to trust Naruto the same way Naruto trusts him, completely and totally, believes it with everything in him and still wants to kiss other people who aren’t Sasuke.

“I don’t like it.”

Naruto’s eyelashes flutter against his skin. “Don’t like what? Sasuke?”

Talking about feelings sucks, Sasuke thinks, trying to figure out how Naruto makes it seem so simple.

“Sasuke, it’s okay—stop thinking about it so much. Just say it.”

The arms around him squeeze, supporting him, holding on tight. Naruto’s advice makes sense for once. Sasuke takes a deep breath and just says it.

“I don’t _like_ thinking about you kissing other people. Sakura’s different—she’s ours. I don’t want you to kiss other people.” He sneers, mostly at himself. “It’s selfish. I don’t know why. I just can’t stand thinking about it.”

“Sasuke…”

“I don’t own you,” he continues ruthlessly, “But I want to. I want you _all to myself_. I don’t want to share.”

Naruto’s breathing is the only sound in the room.

Sasuke wonders if he’s said too much.

Then, slowly, Naruto’s grip slides away.

Sasuke tries not to feel like his heart hurts quite so much, until the grip returns to spin him around and then they’re kissing, Naruto’s mouth crashing into his as he throws both arms around the dark-haired boy, sending them stumbling backwards, unbalanced, until they fall to the floor. Sasuke doesn’t care that his head all but slams down against the wood—Naruto is trying to devour him, tongue sweeping in restlessly to taste, fingers wound tightly into the collar of his shirt, their legs tangled, knees knocking against the floor. It’s a desperate energy that is bursting up out of Naruto’s skin as he presses in closer, kissing Sasuke hungrily, grinding their hips together.

“Sasuke,” Naruto gasps, “Sasuke. _Sasuke_.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” Sasuke pants, sneaking a hand up to grab the back of Naruto’s head and pull them back together.

Naruto’s groan echoes through the walls.

Outside of the room, Yamato feels his cheeks go pink, and decides that things are obviously alright between his two younger students.

He silently heads to the kitchen to work on breakfast noisily enough to drown out the very telling sounds of the two teenagers working through their emotional connection with physical intimacy.

+

The pink-haired genin wakes slowly, safe in Ino’s room in her parent’s house. She stretches and smiles. Waking up here is nice. She can already smell pancakes from downstairs, where Ino’s parents are busily cooking. She can hear Ino chatting loudly with her mom and the soft chastisement of her dad. The easy way they interact is lovely. Sakura almost feels like part of their family.

She wonders if Kakashi-sensei is ready to talk to her family. Her parents aren’t dead, after all. They’re just waiting. The Hokage gave permission for the recovery of Team 7 to happen at Kakashi-sensei’s house, and her parents had been informed, but they don’t have all the details.

Sakura thinks that maybe today can be the day she talks to them about it.

They’ve been putting it off for a while now. Kakashi-sensei hasn’t mentioned it. Neither Naruto or Sasuke ask about her mother or father. And she hasn’t said anything because how do you explain to your parents that your teacher had to touch you, sexually, on a mission, when he was supposed to protect them?

They’ll make her quit the team.

Sakura absolutely does not want that.

Maybe today isn’t a good day to talk to them about it.

So she pushes it out of her brain again, tries not to think about it, and gets dressed for pancakes.

The sight of Ino’s bright blue eyes and ear-to-ear grin as she comes down stairs makes Sakura smile back.

“Good morning,” she says politely to both of Ino’s parents, sitting down to her own plate of breakfast. “Thank you for the meal.”

“Good morning, Sakura-chan,” Ino’s dad says pleasantly, “Did you sleep well last night?”

“It was fine, dad,” Ino complains, “We have the best cushions and blankets! I could hear her snoring all night long.”

“_Ino_!”

Ino’s father laughs at Sakura’s indignation, and it feels normal, and good, to eat together like this, laughing and arguing and stealing the syrup back when Ino snags her smoked sausages. It feels like they’re sisters and Sakura loves it.

She finishes breakfast and says good-bye, and leaves with Ino in tow to check in with her jounin senseis. The sound of Ino’s cheerful chatter again reminds her so much of Naruto. This time she half-listens, responding every now and then as Ino complains about her team, gossips about rumors around town, and basically eats up all the air making conversation on her own. Sakura doesn’t mind. She finds the sound of her friend’s voice soothing.

They make it to the market and Sakura realizes they’re rather off-track. “Kakashi-sensei’s house is that way,” she tells Ino, pointing down the road. Ino nods and huffs. “Thought you wouldn’t notice,” she grumbles as they turn down the right street, “you weren’t paying attention last time!”

Sakura grins back at her as they walk, until a familiar voice calls out her name.

“Oh! There you are! Slow down, honey!”

Somehow ice settles into Sakura’s veins at the sound of her parent’s voices. She turns, slowly, and forces a smile.

Her mother and father come up with big smiles. Her father is coming forward before Sakura can say anything, wrapping her up in his arms and swinging her once in a circle. She tries not to tense up, tries to relax because this is her dad, and it’s fine. Hugs are fine._ It’s fine._

“Hey! Mr. Haruno,” Ino says loudly, grabbing one of his arms and yanking it into hers, breaking his grip around Sakura. “It’s so good to see you! Long time no see!”

“It’s good to see you, too, Ino-chan!” Sakura’s father says jubilantly, easily distracted. He lets go completely and Sakura breathes in relief. Her lip is trembling.

“We haven’t seen you in weeks! How much longer does your teacher think he needs,” Sakura’s mother chimes in, sounding mildly annoyed. “Your room will get dusty!”

“I don’t mind,” Sakura says softly, trying to keep the tremble to her lip and out of her voice.

Ino’s sharp-eyed gaze darts quickly between Sakura and her parents, and she reaches out to take Sakura’s mother’s arm, too.

“Actually, Mr. and Mrs. Haruno, I wanted you to meet MY parents! I mean, your name is a flower, and we sell flowers. We should have dinner some time!”

“Oh? Weren’t you walking our daughter somewhere,” Mr. Haruno asks, “We don’t want to split the two of you up.”

Ino shakes her head and beams.

“It’s fine! Sakura’s good on her own. She’s a ninja, after all! Isn’t that right?”

Sakura feels beyond grateful for Ino’s sudden aid. She nods confidently and gives both her parents a big smile.

“I’ll be fine on my own. Mom, Dad. Go with Ino—I’m catch up with you later.”

“Well… if you’re sure,” her mother says, smiling fondly, clearly proud of her daughter’s maturity, and allowing Ino to drag them away. Sakura smiles back and doesn’t even have to fake it that much.

It isn’t until she’s half way up the steps of Kakashi-sensei’s house that she realizes how hard her heart had been racing. Now that she’s back, now that she’s here, it calms. The smell of Kakashi-sensei’s wooden floors, and the comforting sound of Sasuke and Naruto arguing out back while they fling sharp weapons at each other, and the sizzle of the grill because Yamato-sensei is cooking lunch, and the patter of Kakashi-sensei’s ninja dogs as the run up to greet her fill her heart right up and over the brim.

She doesn’t realize that she’s crying until Kakashi’s thumb brushes over her cheek.

“Sakura? Did something happen?”

He’s worried about her, she realizes, leaning in against the warm palm holding her face gently. She manages to shake her head, reaching up to cover his larger hand with her own.

“It’s nothing. I’m home, sensei,” she says with a watery grin.

Kakashi-sensei’s smile is clear despite his face mask. “Welcome home, Sakura.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaning into the final arc of the story. Lots of Emotions

He wraps up the scroll, tucking it under his arm. Another C-rank, which will pay for the groceries and for the new therapist for Naruto. Kakashi has spent a few days inquiring around, consulting with his own therapist, and has finally settled on a different man. He’s middle-aged, experienced, but seems to have a much more shinobi-relatable approach. He’s actually sat for a session with him and Kakashi firmly believes that if this isn’t the man for the job then he’ll have to start searching outside of Konoha, which he absolutely does not want.

He thinks of the repercussions of sending his student off to get therapy in Suna and shudders.

“Hey, man, everything alright? You don’t look so good.”

Kakashi blinks his single eye open and nods Asuma’s way.

“Aa. Just my trauma.”

Asuma shrugs.

“Hey. We’ve all got baggage,” he says, falling into step beside the other man. “Got a few minutes?”

Kakashi considers the broad-chested man for a moment. He and Asuma were never particularly close but they both have genin teams, they’re both jounin from the same class, and Sakura hangs out with one of his students regularly. Maybe Asuma has something important to impart. He’ll make time.

“So, what’d you pick up?”

“C-rank,” Kakashi says as they leave the Missions Desk behind.

“Oh? Anything interesting? We’ve been stuck slumming it with Ds."

“Got another scroll to run over to Tanazuka Gai.”

“They needed a three-man squad for that? That isn’t even far.”

“Could be the contents,” Kakashi guesses, holding the scroll more securely against his body. “The last run we did was for some pretty important cargo.”

“You should be careful—if you get caught up in doing runs for two competing families, there’s bound to be trouble, eventually.”

Kakashi thinks of the bridge mission, his team’s first C-rank, and how wrong that mission went.

Then he remembers the mission to Suna, also C-rank, and how wrong _that_ mission went.

His grip around the scroll becomes a vice.

“We’ll manage,” he says shortly.

Asuma senses Kakashi’s sudden shift in attitude and falls silent for a while.

“Been keeping a low profile, lately.”

“Aa.”

“Isn’t it tough on the wallet? Doing all those in-village missions?”

“Why, Asuma. I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t,” Asuma says gruffly around the cigarette. “Kurenai mentioned it, about a week ago. If she’s noticed, others have. Thought you should be aware.” He takes a long drag and blows a billowing cloud of smoke. Kakashi doesn’t miss the way his eyes catch his gaze momentarily.

“People are used to the way you come and go. Your team’s pretty tough to miss.”

Kakashi nods.

It’s a carefully worded message: people are starting to suspect something’s wrong. That only makes sense. Before, they’d take B and C ranks every two weeks, occasionally a very easy A rank. Falling back to nearly four weeks of D-ranks with just one or two C-ranks is a big change of pace.

“Aa.” He glances up side-long at the bulkier jounin. “Thanks, Asuma.”

“Don’t mention it,” Asuma grunts, looking faintly embarrassed.

There’s a thundering sound growing in the distance. Both Asuma and Kakashi look up at the cloud of dust being kicked up, and catch the long wail approaching rapidly. Asuma laughs heartily as Kakashi groans, bracing for the inevitable impact as Might Guy careens into him with a thousand-foot run up.

“MY RIVAL! HOW DELIGHTED I AM, TO SEE YOU OUT AND ABOUT ON THIS! SUCH A GLORIOUS DAY!”

Kakashi says nothing, because he’s being gripped _far_ too enthusiastically by Konoha’s strongest Taijustsu master, and cannot breathe. He _might_ be dying. There’s a suspicious snapping sound, which may be a rib fracturing, with the force of Guy’s greeting.

“Guy,” Asuma says around a snicker, “let the poor bastard go—he’s turning blue.”

Might Guy blinks and sets his Eternal Rival down.

Kakashi takes in a gulp of air, wheezing.

“Ah, Asuma-kun! Good day to you, too!”

“Guy,” Asuma says pleasantly, cheerfully accepting Guy’s manly hand shake. “Lookin’ good. How’s your team?”

“I am so glad you asked! Lee and Neji-kun joined me this morning for a race around the village! Their efforts were admirable but of course I, their jounin-sensei, was victorious! Their efforts will not be wasted, for the trail only infused young Lee with the fires of competition, and he seeks to defeat my record of fourteen laps! Neji-kun agreed to supervise.”

Kakashi thinks of his own team and the way Naruto and Sasuke push each other to be better. He’s very glad they aren’t as… _enthusiastic_… about their training efforts as Lee and Guy. He isn’t sure he could keep up with that kind of youthful energy.

A hand claps his shoulder, taking him mildly by surprise. Guy’s grin all but sparkles at him.

“My Rival! I have sought you out for another challenge!”

“Didn’t you just do a challenge?” Kakashi asks, “I’ll have you at a disadvantage, Guy.”

Guy nearly sobs, and Asuma laughs heartily at his downcast look.

“Oh, take pity, man! You’ve broken his youthful heart.”

Kakashi snorts.

But Guy _does_ look rather pitiful, and he’s trying to be better, and apparently these challenges mean a great deal to his friend…

He tries not to sigh too deeply.

“Alright. I’m in.”

Guy starts crying _harder_. With joy.

Kakashi glares at Asuma while Guy is busy gushing over how hip and cool he is.

“Don’t look like that,” Asuma grins, “Count me in, too. It’s been a while since I had a proper challenge! Let’s see what this eternal rivalry is all about, eh?”

Kakashi thinks, as they head to the lake together, that Guy may actually dehydrate himself, with how hard he’s sobbing Manly Tears of Joy.

+

“Swim the length of the lake, run inland to that weird-looking pine, run back, swim back, and first one to shore is the winner?”

“Yes!”

“Piece of cake,” Asuma says with a broad smirk. “Prepare to lose!”

“Hah! This will be a fierce competition! Yes! I’m all fired up!”

“No techniques,” Kakashi warns. “Just swimming.”

“Yeah? Get ready to get a good look at my back, scarecrow.”

“So confident. I’ll make sure you get a good look at MY back, you smokestack.”

“Hah!”

Guy looks like he’s a snappy comeback away from bursting into tears and declaring something, so Kakashi throws his shirt off and drops into a ready stance. “3…2…1…Go!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi catches sight of Asuma still on shore, mouth slack with undisguised shock, and it’s only as he’s slicing through water that he remembers the rather obvious scar across his abdomen.

_Oops_.

He’d actually forgotten about it.

That thought gives him pause, which gives Guy the advantage, and there’s the sound of Asuma plunging into the water right on their heels, and then Kakashi has no more time to worry about it, because both Guy and Asuma have the one-up on him in physical strength, and he’s got to focus on his own strengths to beat them.

Any one can look from outside and criticize their rivalry for being silly and ridiculous, which is where it started, but somewhere along the way Guy started actually pursuing competitions that tested their strength and flexibility, exercising their stealth and terrain mapping, making them better ninjas, and now no one can say it’s useless. The way he moves, long arms reaching through the waves made with the force of their strokes, Kakashi knows he’s pushing himself to his limits, which is something only Guy can make him do. Asuma makes a good attempt but he got a late start and he falls off early.

Kakashi makes it to shore and shoves upright, dropping into a dead sprint for the pine. Soaking wet and running across sand is an excellent way to improve the way he moves in optimal conditions. He slaps the bark and turns on a dime, sprinting back to the water. Guy and Asuma dash past, headed for the same tree. Kakashi doesn’t miss the way Asuma blatantly stares but he doesn’t have time to respond—he’s going to keep his early lead this time. He swan dives back in, keeping his body in perfect form to propel him efficiently through the water. The sound of Guy’s furious paddling push him to work harder, move faster, and Kakashi tastes victory as he emerges from the shallows first.

Guy arrives second, splashing noisily through the shallows to congratulate his Eternal Rival. Asuma comes up third, breathing heavily and shaking off water.

“Congratulations, Rival! Your efforts have paid beautifully—“

“Kakashi.”

The silver-haired man stops paying Guy’s compliments attention. He expected this would happen eventually.

When he looks over to the other jounin, Asuma’s face is etched with concern.

“Are you okay?”

He doesn’t say anything at first. They’re all breathing rather hard from their race and he uses the time to gather his thoughts. Guy has gone strangely quiet, his black eyes darting between the two jounin.

“My Rival,” he says quietly, for once. The sound of his voice is the last thing Kakashi hears because then his own head fills up with thoughts so loud he can’t hear anything else.

Is he okay?

No.

No, he’s not.

He raped his team. Nearly got them and himself killed.

He’s worse than trash.

He’s tried to forget the way he touched them, how he ruined them, failed them—

_Sempai_, he hears, Yamato’s voice irritated even in his own head. _You’ve beaten yourself up over this for long enough._

“…shi? _Kakashi_! Shit, Guy, you got him?”

“I do,” he hears, and realizes that Guy’s arm is up under his shoulder, stabilizing him. His knees feel unsteady, not like he’s going to faint away, but still rather unreliable. He’s unspeakably thankful for Guy’s sudden support.

“Hey,” Asuma says, soft and very cautious. “I didn’t mean to upset you. No, don’t say anything—you’re obviously not okay. I was selfish.”

“How so?”

“You’re hurt and I wanted to know about it, when you’re not ready to talk about it.”

Ah. But, isn’t he? He’s come so far, with the therapist, and he’s already told Guy. Maybe today’s the day he can start expanding the circle of people who know.

And Asuma’s already seen the scar.

“It’s just the trauma,” Kakashi says, going for jokingly casual, and wincing the next second as Asuma cuts into him with a sharp look.

“You fucker… God damnit, Kakashi!”

“Asuma-kun!”

“No,” Kakashi groans, shaking his head. “He’s right. I’m sorry, Asuma. I didn’t consider your feelings. Forgive me.”

“Forgive,” Asuma chokes, looking caught between frustration and sorrow. “Forgive you? For what? Forgetting about your friends? For keeping this a secret—for not relying on us, for not telling anyone! For what, you asshole! Fuck!”

“I didn’t want to be a burden.”

Kakashi wishes he could take it back the instant he says it. Asuma looks stricken.

“So you’d rather be dead instead of asking for help?”

Oh. That does paint him in a rather inconsiderate light.

“Asuma….”

The larger man holds up a hand. Kakashi stops talking, hanging on against Guy, a silent pillar beside him, backing him up, as Asuma takes a moment to gather himself. He’s obviously upset the same way Guy was. Kakashi takes a moment to take this in. That someone like Asuma, a Sarutobi, beloved by the village, popular, and well-respected, considered him such a good friend that he’s upset Kakashi didn’t come to him in his time of need, didn’t consider sharing the burden of his guilt so it didn’t drive him to try death instead.

The feeling is rather big. Kakashi takes a moment to digest how deeply he’s hurt his… friend.

Asuma is his friend.

When did that happen?

It’s a little amazing. And a little upsetting. Asuma cares. Cares that he might die. Cares enough to be _furious_ that Kakashi tried it without relying on him first, to be upset about it, and that’s _wild_.

_He cares._

He’s turning into Obito, he thinks as his eyes start to water for no good reason.

When he can pay attention again, Guy is trying to make some excuse for him, trying to get Asuma out of their hair so he can have some peace, and Kakashi stops him straight away.

“No. It’s alright, Guy. I want to work this out. I’m trying to be a less shit friend. It’s one of my therapy goals.”

Asuma snorts.

“Therapy. At least you’re talking to someone. That’s… good.”

“Therapy’s great,” Kakashi deadpans, though he’s completely serious. “We have tea and cake and talk about what happened.”

“What happened,” Asuma repeats. Then, a bit more cautiously, with concern in his gaze, he says, “Kakashi, I don’t need to know what happened if you’re not ready to talk about it, or if you don’t want to tell me. But could you maybe try relying on me? Guy’s just one guy. He’s a great guy! But he’s only one person. It’s… it’s better to have a couple people you can rely on.”

Kakashi nods, his throat suddenly too tight with emotion to let words out.

Guy for once doesn’t look ready to cry with joy or explode with emotion. He only looks serious and sincere, in the way he does when they’re deep in a mission, when they can’t afford to mess up or it’ll mean their deaths. Kakashi almost doesn’t recognize him but there’s no mistaking the profound concern written in the lines of his face.

He’s reminded of the way Yamato looked that first day he woke up after carving out his guts. The expression that broke his calm facade, the emotion that slipped through the cracks, and the incredible sensation of guilt, for having caused it.

He feels just as guilty now.

“Asuma,” he says, standing on his own two feet, though he keeps one hand on Guy’s shoulder. “The scroll I grabbed is part of a set.”

Guy looks confused, but Asuma perks up.

“Part of a set?”

“The pay’s decent. Tanazuka Gai isn’t far. And you did say you’ve been feeling cooped up…”

“Yeah,” Asuma says, finally smiling again as he gets it. “We’ve got nothing better to do and I’m damn tired of Shikamaru’s complaining. Alright. Guess we’ll tag along and make sure you troublemakers don’t get lost along the way.”

+

“We’re going on a joint mission?”

The sound of Sakura’s question summons her teammates. Sasuke looks suspicious but Naruto looks excited.

“Who is it, Kakashi-sensei?”

“Asuma’s team, Shika-Ino-Cho,” Kakashi announces. “Pack up. We leave tonight at seven.”

Sasuke frowns but both Sakura and Naruto rush off to start gathering their things. He goes after with suspicion in his eyes.

Kakashi waits until he can hear the sound of all three packing before turning to Yamato, who is putting away the lunch left overs.

“How domestic,” he says teasingly.

Yamato says nothing but Kakashi is treated to the sight of his slightly pink ears.

“Shouldn’t you be packing, Sempai? Tanazuka Gai is a day’s run away. You’ll need clothes.”

Kakashi hums thoughtfully, stepping in to the kitchen and stepping right up along Yamato’s back, leaning over his shoulder with his chin, looping his arms loosely around his kohai’s stomach, knocking the back of one leg with his knee. Yamato stands taller, giving instant support and accepting the embrace, moving his head to one side to let Kakashi lean against him.

The way they slot together easily, naturally, makes Kakashi aware of how dangerously reliant he’s become on this. What he has, with Yamato.

He tries to imagine for an instant doing this without the brown-haired man and balks.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Yamato scolds, reaching up with one hand and flicking Kakashi’s nose.

“Ouch,” Kakashi mumbles.

“_Sempai_. You’ve taken a roundhouse kick to the head without so much as a grunt. You can’t make me believe that hurt.”

“It hurt my spirit.”

Yamato reaches up and flicks him harder, just because.

Kakashi scrunches up his nose, then decides to bury his head in Yamato’s neck, because he can’t get flicked there, and because Yamato smells good, too. It’s the right decision. He can hear the other man’s heart jump into his throat, and the soft sound of pleased surprise. He loves these reactions. Yamato is just too cute, the way he tries to trap down on his beating heart, the little squirm he does when Kakashi grips him tighter, holds him closer.

He never wants to let go.

_Does that make it love,_ he wonders idly. To want to keep Yamato, to make him a more permanent part of Kakashi’s life? Guy is someone he wants to keep around, too, but at a distance. There’s no desire to bury his face in Guy’s chest, no longing to have him stay, always, by Kakashi’s side. Well, there is, a little, but as a friend, not the intimate way he’s become wrapped up in the Mokuton-user.

He doesn’t mean to compare them but it’s inevitable. What he had with his teacher, which was nothing but empty longing, absolutely pales in comparison with what he’s already had with Yamato. It was a one-sided attraction borne out of loneliness, in desperation to keep Sensei close, to have his hooks in deep enough, to matter to the other man so he’d never leave, and then he left anyway.

He never wants Yamato to leave him. Does that make it love, or is this another unhealthy obsession? He’s terrified of that, more than he can say.

Kakashi’s arms wrap tighter around the solid outline of his younger partner.

“I’ll flick you again, I swear,” Yamato mutters quietly.

“I’m sorry, _kohai_. I’ll stop thinking so hard.”

“Good boy.”

“Woof.”

He’s rewarded as Yamato gets flustered and makes a show of shoving the older man off, citing more dishes to finish, a handsome blush rushing up his neck.

Kakashi takes a step back, observing Yamato from afar for a moment. He takes in the shape of him, the color of his hair and the familiar smell before turning away to pack. The mission starts at seven and Asuma will be waiting. A shitty friend would be tardy. Kakashi is tired of being a shitty friend, and so he goes to pack, and see that his students stay on schedule.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in brief: Mission Start, little uh-oh, Asuma explains his team a thing, and bigger Uh-Oh.

The mission gets off to a rocky start. They meet Asuma’s team at the gates and only Asuma smiles when they arrive. Ino and her teammates have ice-cold glares for Kakashi, which makes his gut twist. Sakura sees this and rushes over to her blonde friend, and they have a heated discussion. Sasuke keeps his distance while Naruto goes boldly over to a grumpy looking Chouji and an annoyed looking Shikamaru. Asuma greets Kakashi with a nod and clears his throat for attention.

“Right. We’re headed out. Eyes up! Shikamaru not one complaint ’til we make camp! Chouji, if I catch you with a bag of chips you’ll get nothing to eat until we pass off the scroll. Ino! Stop flirting and get over here.”

“Asuma-senseiiii! Sakura’s my _friend_!”

The jounin just shoots her a knowing look, putting out his cigarette.

“Whatever you call it, can it! We’re leaving.”

Kakashi gathers his own team.

“Hainu formation. Sakura, rear guard. Sasuke, ears and eyes. Naruto. Keep your chakra low, if you can.”

“Roger!”

“Sure thing.”

“Aww, Kakashi-sensei, can’t I do ears and eyes? It’s so boring to just be in the middle!”

“You got us spotted last time, so no,” Kakashi says without much pity. “Ready?”

His team falls into formation swiftly and they take off. Asuma’s team follows closely behind, hot on their heels.

+

The first leg of their journey is spent in near silence. The two scrolls they’re transporting are stuffed with rare tea leaves, delicate cargo requiring protection from sunlight and exposure to moisture. Thus Kakashi has sealed their scroll away inside another scroll, which is safely inside his flak vest. Asuma carries his in a smilier fashion, though the markings on it are slightly different. Kakashi suspects it isn’t the real scroll at all but a decoy. One of his team may have the real one.

“So. You’re quite popular,” Asuma says as they run.

“Aa. I don’t think I’m Ino’s favorite person right now.”

“Anything to do with…”

Kakashi nods. The others are far enough away that he feels comfortable saying this one thing.

“It was a mission. They all got overdosed with Venthrex. I had to treat them on the field.”

Asuma says nothing. He keeps pace beside Kakashi easily for a bulky man, barely leaving an impact as they run through the tree tops. Their conversation picks back up as they pass a running river.

“There’s no way to flush it.”

“No.”

“Damn. No wonder you’re in therapy.”

Kakashi hums noncommittally.

“Hey. If it bugs you, I don’t have to bring it up.”

“It’s fine.”

“Bullshit,” Asuma says cheerfully. “That’s a _big_ load of bullshit, Hatake. You’re so far from fine. Anyone can see that. I don’t want to pry but don’t ever fucking lie to my face like that again.”

They’re friends, Kakashi remembers belatedly, over his incredible disbelief. Friends don’t lie to friends. Asuma’s upset with him again, because he cares, and Kakashi is trying to deal with it on his own, is lying to Asuma’s face about being alright, which is pissing him off.

It’s a strange, powerful feeling.

“…sorry.”

They travel for a few minutes in silence. Eventually Asuma picks back up where he left off.

“So I take it one of your kids told one of my kids at least half the story. I don’t think they know about the scar.”

“What difference does that make?”

“Well obviously it makes a difference. Ino sounded like she was going to quit the team when I told her we were partnering with you. She’s got it out for you. Do you mind if I fill her in?”

“I don’t need her pity,” Kakashi says slowly, trying to find Asuma’s angle.

“Not saying you do,” Asuma says blithely. “Just maybe she’ll stop trying to glare daggers into your back.”

The two men glance over their shoulders. The heat of Ino’s gaze spears them, even from a distance, before she notices them looking back and quickly looks away.

“…point taken.” Then, a bit hesitantly, “Asuma, no one else besides Guy knows.”

Asuma gives him a level look.

“Trust me. I’ll make sure they’re discreet. But we don’t need to let this go on.”

Kakashi takes a slow breath in to steady himself.

“Alright.”

The bigger jounin nods once and falls back. The sound of footsteps falls off but doesn’t disappear. The other team is keeping pace maybe a hundred yards back. Kakashi tries not to worry as he launches himself limb from limb.

A shock of blonde hair drops in from his left. Naruto’s face is open as it ever was, not bothering to hide his concern.

“Kakashi-sensei? Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine, Naruto,” he says as they run.

“You don’t look fine.”

_It’s a reflex,_ he thinks as they jump from tree to tree. To say he’s alright, to brush off other’s concern for him. He’s got to try and stop.

“You’re right,” he corrects himself, voice raised just enough so the two teammates in his shadow who are listening in can hear without straining, “I’m not fine.”

“Is it something he said? Was he making you uncomfortable?” Naruto demands, angry on his behalf.

Kakashi feels a fresh wave of appreciation for his cute student’s concern.

Then he makes the monumental mistake of looking into Naruto’s stupidly beautiful blue eyes in the sunlight, and suddenly all he can see is _the way he’s worried, how Naruto reaches up with a hand and traces the edge of Kakashi’s chin. The jounin holds still, lets him, with a watchful eye. The pad of Naruto’s finger moves sluggishly in a circle at the edge of his jaw, then the rest of his fingers come up, reaching._

_“Sensei,” he says, suddenly grabbed by a simple desire. “I want…”_

_Then Kakashi lets Naruto pull at the edge of his mask, lets him pull it down, and then pull him down—_

“—shi-sensei! Look out—“

He snaps back to himself but not in time. The approaching tree catches his ankle.

Sasuke’s there in an instant, flash-stepping right to his side, and his hand reaches up as Kakashi’s drops down. The shove is enough to propel him back onto his feet without a hitch. He’s upright before he can blink, back to running before he’d even realized he was falling, and surrounded on all sides by his team. Sakura’s rear guard. Naruto on his right, Sasuke to his left, all three of them moving in perfect coordination.

They’ve got him.

“Thanks,” he says, a little shaken. “Bad memory.”

“Sensei, did you bring your pills,” Sakura asks softly.

Kakashi digs out the bottle and tosses it back. Sakura turns it over and nods, confident. There’s plenty of pills left.

“So, wait, are the drugs not working anymore,” Naruto asks worriedly. “Are you, like, day dreaming of doing _bad_ stuff again?”

“We aren’t supposed to talk about it,” Sasuke says, voice tight.

“Kakashi-sensei?”

“I’ll let the therapist know,” Kakashi says to Sakura’s inquiry. “They’ve been working fine until today.”

“Has something… did something happen, to make things harder?” Naruto asks, surprisingly tactful with a touchy subject.

Kakashi tries to rack his brain as they run. Has something happened to raise his threshold for the drugs? Or perhaps he’s naturally beginning to build an intolerance? He hopes not.

He’s certainly not going to mention that he’s taken a step forward with Yamato, not that that should have any bearing on the medicine’s potency.

“Not recently.”

Sasuke makes a sound of mild disagreement.

“Is your hand better, yet?”

Aa. The nightmare. Of course Sasuke would remember. He’s the one that caught Kakashi trying to slice open his palm.

The jounin slips off his glove and holds out his open palm to his dark-haired student to study. He feels a familiar stroke of fondness for Sasuke’s nagging as the genin inspects his solid skin.

“It is. Thank you, dear.”

Sasuke goes red around the ears and falls back a fair distance, still maintaining formation. Naruto watches him go and bugs Kakashi about it.

“Oi, oi! What’d you say to make sour face go so far back? That’s my boyfriend, y’know!”

Kakashi dearly wishes he had less knowledge of just how close his two teenage students have become.

“Yes, Naruto. I kind of got that, with the way you’ve been making a mess of the sheets lately. You and Sasuke are doing the laundry indefinitely, by the way.”

Naruto’s face goes crimson, and Sakura squawks a laugh.

“Hey! Sakura, wait up!”

All three of them turn as Ino bounds closer, catching up and matching their pace with a cheerful smile. It doesn’t even look forced. Sakura gives Kakashi a nod and drops back, chatting quietly with her friend, leaving Naruto closes to Kakashi.

They run together in comfortable silence for a time. Kakashi focuses on grounding himself, on staying in the present, just in case another episode sneaks past his defenses. He doesn’t look at Naruto, which Naruto notices. The blonde is terrible at hiding his emotions and so Kakashi notices right away when the younger man starts radiating sadness. Then he looks, careful not to meet his student’s eyes, to check in on him. The boy is buried in his thoughts. Kakashi wants to give him privacy but he’s also cautious not to let the blonde boy fall too far in his brooding. It’s another few minutes of silence before Naruto breaks it.

“You really hated it, huh. Kakashi-sensei?”

He focuses on the path ahead of him—tree branches to avoid, too fragile to take his body weight, and slows down so Naruto can hear him when he says, “I hated it very much.”

“Sasuke, too,” Naruto mumbles. “He’s always talking ‘bout how much it sucked. But… sometimes, it makes me wonder. The way he can’t shut up about it… somehow, I think he liked it.”

“Naruto, can you wait until we make camp?”

The blonde grumbles and Kakashi grits his teeth, then matches his student’s pace, and drops a hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s talk about it later. Alone. Okay?”

He doesn’t look at Naruto’s eyes, and doesn’t catch the way they go a little wide at ‘_later_’, then sly at ‘_alone_’.

Naruto _grins_.

“Alright, Kakashi-sensei.”

+

Ino frowns deeply.

“He still did it,” she says, but there’s no fire behind it. She’s still shaken from the news Asuma-sensei imparted not two minutes ago.

_Sakura’s teacher tried to commit suicide._

Shikamaru groans, obviously tired of arguing about it.

“Look, I get that it was messed up, but he obviously felt awful about it. Isn’t it obvious? He did something terrible but not out of some deranged perverted desire. He did it out of necessity, which is atrocious, except he cared enough to try and get himself out of their lives, after.”

“Shikamaru! That’s a terrible way to put it!”

“Am I wrong, Chouji?”

“A little! He shouldn’t have tried to kill himself! He should have gone to get help first, not after!”

“Yeah? And how was he supposed to bring it up? Oh, I had to rape my thirteen-year-old students to save their lives, and I feel pretty fucked up about that, so much that I should probably kill myself, isn’t that right?”

Total silence meets the end of his angry tirade.

Both Ino and Chouji look properly horrified but some part of Shikamaru feels violently justified. He’s _sick_ and _tired_ of hearing it from Ino that Kakashi-sensei deserves to die for what he did, when now it’s been made painfully clear that he thinks the same thing, and has actually tried it.

The black-haired boy takes a long calming breath and tries to wrap up this shitty conversation.

“Look. All I’m saying is that it’s no use trying to be mad at him for something he _obviously regrets_. Yeah, he had to do something terrible. But you’re being terrible back, holding it over his head like this! Yeah, he did it, but he did it to save their lives, and it messed him up after. He’s never going to be the same. I’m not asking you to be his best friend. Just… stop focusing on one specific part of the whole picture without considering the rest.”

What Shikamaru said, as if often does, makes a frightening amount of sense.

Ino tries not to let it get to her but it’s inevitable. She can’t help glancing over to where Sakura is arguing loudly with Naruto about setting up camp for the night, Kakashi wandering around with a look of fond exasperation and trying to suggest a quiet diplomatic solution. She tries to imagine the sight of him with his throat slit, and the look on Sakura’s face when she found him that way, and feels her stomach clench.

What if he **did** die?

What if he died and never got to make it up to her, to apologize? Sakura would be _completely different._ She’d still be using hand signs to talk, Ino thinks, still stuttering, still avoiding crowds and people in general. She’s utterly changed from back then. She’s still a little cautious, still not as bold as the Sakura Ino remembers, but she’s getting there. Could she have come back so much without her teacher?

Ino doesn’t know.

Their own camp is set up quickly and Ino watches as Naruto jumps up to grab his teacher’s elbow with a broad smile. The silver-haired jounin makes an exasperated sound but follows when his student pulls him away from camp.

Curious, Ino stomps down on her chakra and follows when no one is watching.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning** for unwanted sexual advances. Naruto says some VERY Upsetting Things. 
> 
> You've been warned.

“Oi, Uchiha-kun,” Asuma calls. “Where’s your jounin sensei?”

Sasuke looks up from kindling the fire where Sakura is cooking something for the eight of them.

“I thought he was setting up a perimeter,” he says slowly, sharing a look with Sakura. “But… it’s been a while.”

“I haven’t seen him or Naruto for a few minutes.”

“Ino’s gone, too,” Chouji says over the crunch of some chips. “She left a while ago.”

Asuma glances around. He shuts his eyes, then, and concentrates. Kakashi’s chakra is impossible to locate but Naruto’s stands out like a beacon. Both Ino and Kakashi are close by but it’s difficult to pinpoint their exact locations. He shrugs.

“Kakashi’s with them,” he says finally, not seeing the worried look Sasuke shares with his teammate. “They’ll be fine.”

+

“Is this far enough? Kakashi-sensei.”

They’ve wandered around far enough to still be in contact if there’s enemy ninja. The silver-haired man idly marks the terrain as he replies. “It’s fine.”

“Ne, you say that too much,” Naruto accuses. “You’re really not fine, though, y’know?”

Kakashi tries not to laugh, because it isn’t funny.

“Yes, Naruto. I know.”

It’s something he’d like to be able to answer confidently one day. For Yamato to ask after him, and for Kakashi to be able to answer honestly, simply, that he’s alright. That he’s fine. The therapist said it would take time. He’s much closer than before.

It’ll be nice, he thinks as Naruto stretches and catches his gaze, to put this all behind them someday.

He considers his blue-eyed student in the dim fading daylight. Kakashi should have planned this conversation out a little more. Or perhaps it’s one Naruto should be having with the new therapist. But talking about things is part of healing. And the least he can do for the student he failed is to lend an ear.

“So. You were talking earlier. About what happened.”

“Yeah!"

"Was there something specific that's been on your mind?"

"I really liked it, y'know? What happened. You made it feel really good, Kakashi-sensei.”

He tries not to remember too much.

“…We’ve been over this, Naruto. It was a matter of convenience. Not attraction.”

“I mean, you seemed_ pretty into it_,” Naruto recalls, voice pitched low, “when you touched me, there. Kakashi-sensei.”

He’s walking over, coming in close, blue eyes half-lidded as he comes past what’s socially acceptable, nearly leaning in to Kakashi’s chest and Kakashi resists the urge to groan in exasperation.

Maybe this conversation was a bad idea after all.

He tries to control his breathing and steps away from his young student.

“Naruto. We’ve talked about this. Please back up.”

The blonde pauses, thoughtfully, head cocked like a bird. Then his lips pull back into a sly smile.

“You let me kiss you, then.”

“We’ve been over this. I did what I had to, to help you.”

“Did you kiss the others? Sasuke? Sakura-chan?”

Kakashi can’t quite strangle his sound of distress. This conversation is quickly becoming uncomfortable.

“I shouldn’t have… Naruto, we’ve talked about this _at length_. I told you that I don’t like you—“

“Then why make it feel so good? Why kiss me? If you don’t care, at all,” Naruto digs, not stepping forward but not giving an inch. “I think you _wanted_ to, or you wouldn’t have. You didn’t get the drugs. Just us. So everything you did you chose to do.”

There’s a faint howling white noise in Kakashi's brain. He’s got to stop Naruto talking. Or go.

A hand snags his wrist. Naruto’s blue eyes are narrowed.

“Gonna run away again?”

His eye itches. Obito’s eye, under his forehead protector, itches _fiercely_.

It distracts him for long enough and then Naruto sweeps his leg, and he goes down with a grunt.

He can’t afford to be distracted. He reaches up firmly and shoves Naruto, preventing the teenager from crawling on top of him.

“Enough. Naruto, stop.”

“Nah. You don't really mean that. You let me.”

His eye aches. It's really hard to ignore but he needs to be firm with Naruto. 

“I did not!”

“You’re letting me right now,” Naruto argues, and Kakashi tries to find the lie, except that he’s on his back, put on his ass by a kid half his age, who’s slowly edging forward again, leering down at him with violet eyes, red chakra mixing in as that primal hunger shows itself. “You like me. Or someone who looks like me. Is that it? Do I look a lot like the guy you liked, before Yamato-sensei?”

A brief spike of terror guts him.

Naruto can’t possibly know.

“No.”

His lie is too obvious. The blonde grins broader, confident.

“I totally do. So I’m your _type_, huh, Sensei?”

How can he make this conversation go away? Naruto is dangerous enough as it is. Kakashi doesn’t want to think about what his most unpredictable student will do if he gets it in his head that Kakashi has a weakness for him.

“What would Sasuke say?”

“About us kissing? He’d probably hate it.”

“Then we shouldn’t.”

Naruto laughs.

“Is that the _only reason_?”

“No,” Kakashi says, mildly furious at his own mistake. “Of course not. Naruto—“

His eye _**sears**_, hot and angry, and Kakashi can’t ignore it any longer, shoves off his forehead protector and rubs it.

"It's fine," Naruto's voice says soothingly, and Kakashi can't concentrate, between the burning in his brain, and the pressure as Naruto presses down against Kakashi's body with his own. "You made it feel so good, sensei. I just want to make you feel good, too. It's just us, now. You don't have to pretend like you hate it. No one has to know, you won't get in trouble, I swear. It'll be just like in the dessert."

Naruto knocks away the hand trying to shove at his shoulder, pinning it back with one hand and yanking Kakashi's mask off with the other. 

+

Ino is watching from the bushes. 

She followed the two of them from camp, too curious not to, and then hid while Kakashi-sensei started talking to his student. They’re arguing about something that’s upsetting. Ino can’t hear enough, but she can tell something is off from the way Naruto grins, and the way Kakashi lets himself be swept off his feet, the same way he was off-balance when she shoved him, that day at her parent’s place. But that was before she knew he felt awful about what he did. Her heart seizes as she watches Naruto taunt the older man. Kakashi-sensei looks more and more distraught as the conversation goes on, while Naruto grins, increasingly wider, and says more things that make his teacher look uncomfortable. 

What in the world is going on?

Then Kakashi shoves up his forehead protector, rubbing at his eye, and he’s too distracted to see Naruto come in for the kill.

Ino stares for a second.

She can’t really believe what she’s seeing.

Then she realizes Kakashi is struggling, and Naruto is holding him down, pushing his hands away and shoving him against the ground.

That’s wrong.

This is wrong.

_She can’t just stand by and watch._

She folds her hands in familiar signs, and concentrates. Naruto is busy and and an easy target; he goes under her Body-Mind-Switch Technique without a fight. Once she’s in control of his body, Ino leaps up off the older man, sitting him up and speaking quietly.

“Kakashi-sensei, it’s me, Ino. I took over Naruto’s body.”

The silver-haired man looks disoriented. It takes him a moment to focus on her, like his vision is impaired. 

“Ino?”

“It’s my family technique. Kakashi-sensei, what was happening? It… it looked like Naruto was…”

_Assaulting you,_ she can’t make herself say, feeling mildly disgusted at being in the body that was doing it.

She tries not to think of Sakura, and how she was attacked, and how he must have done it equally, to all three of them, so why is Naruto so eager to do it back? Aren’t they all in therapy? Aren’t they supposed to be getting help for this? She has so many questions but she isn’t sure what she’s allowed to ask about and what’s taboo. Speaking up about it seems to be impossible.

Kakashi doesn’t respond. He’s rubbing at his eye, which Ino notices is beginning to bleed.

“Kakashi-sensei, you shouldn’t rub so hard,” she scolds. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“I’ve already hurt them,” Kakashi says back, very, very softly.

He looks at her, then, stops rubbing his one eye, which Ino notices is a different color to his other. This must be the Sharingan. It looks terrifying, wicked red and black, with sharp spokes, and she realizes why Kakashi-sensei must keep it covered all the time. He looks pretty intimidating, except the eye is leaking blood, a bit. Probably from all the rubbing.

“Should you get that checked out? Your red eye looks pretty bad.”

Kakashi blinks, like he’s never thought that particular thought before.

“Get it checked out,” he repeats.

“Yeah. At the hospital.”

“My eye.”

“…yes?”

“Is there something wrong with it?”

Ino feels a little incredulous to have to point it out, but she does. “Kakashi-sensei, you’re bleeding from your eye. Pretty sure that’s not normal.”

He puts a hand to his scarred cheek and blinks down at the sight of blood, shocked. Ino realizes he really had no idea it was any different from usual. The jounin’s hand trembles slightly as he pulls his forehead protector back over the eye, back in place. He mumbles something as he gets to his feet. “Maybe… That’s possible. It could be interfering…”

“Should I stay?”

“In Naruto’s body? No,” Kakashi says after only a short consideration. “Go get Asuma. Hold your hands out? I’ll need to bind Naruto’s hands and chakra before you release him.”

Ino holds out Naruto’s hands obligingly, unable to stop the rush of sympathy as Kakashi-sensei ties his student down.

“….he was hurting you.”

Kakashi only pauses a moment.

“We’re working on it. He needs more help than we thought.”

“Is he like this… does he hurt the others? Sakura, or Sasuke?”

“No. Thankfully not.”

Ino can’t help it.

“Just you?”

The silver-haired man she’d spent a solid two weeks loathing offers her a tired look.

“Only me. You can let go now, Ino. Thank you for your help.”

“It must be pretty hard.”

“It is.”

“If… if you ever need someone to talk to…”

She pauses, not sure why she’s offering this, but Kakashi sees it and somehow his smile shows through the black mask covering most of his face, and Ino feels her heart lift a bit.

“That’s very kind of you. Thank you, Ino. I’ll be alright.”

“I’ll get Asuma-sensei,” she says with Naruto’s mouth, “I’ll be quick. You can count on me!”

“I know,” Kakashi says, and then she releases the jutsu.

+

He comes around slowly, head spinning a bit. What he sees is the familiar faces of his teammates, lingering around a low burning campfire. They’re at the camp site for the mission.

Naruto goes to stretch and finds both his hands tied behind his back. Confused, he struggles to sit himself up using just his legs, and comes face-to-face with a furious green-eyed kunoichi.

“Uh, Sakura-chan?”

Sakura has nothing to say. She’s _livid_, Naruto realizes with utter shock, so upset that she literally cannot speak.

She’s been pissed at him before but somehow this feels different. **Bad** different, not good different.

Yikes.

“Um, whatever I did, I’m really, really sorry?”

“Are you,” Sasuke’s voice demands, nearly too soft to hear. Naruto turns to his boyfriend with a half smile, which dies a swift and sudden death. Sasuke also looks furious. What the hell did he do to piss everyone off?

“When we get back, you’ll have to return to your apartment.”

Blue eyes blink in amazement.

“Wait. What?”

Kakashi repeats himself.

“You’ll be returning to your apartment, Naruto. There have to be consequences when you act inappropriately. You’re no longer welcome to stay in my house.”

Blonde eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“What the hell? Why not?”

“Why not,” Sasuke monotones. He stands and steps in closer than Sakura, nearly knocking skulls with the blonde, and when he speaks his voice is riveted with rage. “_You attacked him._ You took advantage when his defenses were down, when he tried to talk to you. He trusted you! Tried to listen, to make things better, and all you ever do is drag all of us back down again.”

“Sasuke.”

The dark-haired Uchiha turns an icy look on his teacher.

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re not wrong,” Kakashi says diplomatically, “but it’s no good lashing out like this. Naruto needs professional help. We haven’t been doing enough. And I need help, too. I think I discovered the problem. My Sharingan eye is acting up. It may be interfering with the medication helping me with my hallucinations.”

“So you’re seeing stuff again?” Sakura asks. She doesn’t shy away or try to put distance. Kakashi nods.

“I’m pretty sure that’s what’s causing it. But we’ll complete the mission first.”

“Are you sure,” Sasuke asks sharply.

Sakura gives him a similar look, worry and a bit of disbelief in her eyes.

Kakashi regards them both fondly for a moment, before hardening his heart, and steeling his resolve.

“The mission comes first. We still have a scroll to deliver. The drop point isn’t a half day from here. We’ll finish the mission.” His voice stays hard as his eyes move to his blonde student. Naruto quails under the impassive look. “I’ll inform the Hokage that you’ll be on probation, effective _immediately_ upon our return, until such a time that your therapy is complete. I should have never let it get this bad. I’ll take responsibility, now. No more missions until you finish.”

Naruto chokes.

“No more missions—how am I supposed to pay for anything!”

“You’ll be given a stipend,” Kakashi says shortly. “Plenty for rent and food.”

“But! How am I supposed to be a ninja if I don’t go on missions with you guys!”

Kakashi levels Naruto with the most serious look he can.

“Naruto. This has happened enough for me to consider permanently banning you from Team seven.”

Naruto gapes.

Even Sasuke and Sakura look a bit taken aback.

“If our situations were reversed... if I approached you for sex, I’d be run out of town. As it is, students sometimes form inappropriate attachments to their teachers. It’s _never alright_ to take advantage of such a situation. The fact that I already have, no matter the circumstances, was the reason I tried to resign as your jounin sensei.”

“But,” Sakura says softly, with a look at Sasuke, “You’re still our teacher.”

Kakashi nods, and loses a bit of his strict look.

“I am. _Someone_ decided that I shouldn’t just give up on you.” He looks at Sasuke, who quickly turns away, though his ears go red as he grits his teeth. “Someone decided that this team was worth fighting for, that what happened to the four of us shouldn’t break us, and that we could all recover and get better together. I’m grateful that someone cared so much.”

He stops and turns back to Naruto with a very serious expression.

“But I didn’t look closely enough. I didn’t watch carefully, until it was too late. You’ve suffered, Naruto. I thought things were fine because you kept saying you liked what happened, that it was good, which should have told me how badly it was for you.”

“Hey! I stand by that—I loved it!”

Naruto notices when that declaration makes all three of his team look at him with sad eyes, like they pity him.

“I didn’t get you the help you needed, and now you’re making terrible mistakes,” Kakashi continues, softer than before but still firm. “You’re _hurt_, Naruto. Inside. And staying with us isn’t helping to fix it. So you have to be on your own.”

Blue eyes dart around. But no one cracks a smile, no one makes a joke about it.

“You’re all serious,” he says, stunned.

Sakura speaks first.

“Naruto, a while ago, when you asked to kiss me, and I was going to say no, you stopped.”

“Well, yeah! You looked super uncomfortable! I didn’t want to make you sad, y’know!”

“Kakashi-sensei is very uncomfortable that you still try to kiss him,” she says urgently, like he doesn’t know, and she needs to tell him. But Naruto shrugs in her direction.

“Yeah? He’s lying, though. I _know_ he likes it. He just says that stuff so he won’t get in trouble.”

The way Sakura’s eyes go very sad does something bad in Naruto’s stomach.

Sasuke speaks next.

“So. Being boyfriends just doesn’t mean _anything_ to you. Does it?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“I asked you out. Don’t you remember? I told you… I told you I wanted you to be mine, and mine alone. Don’t you get it?”

“Yeah,” Naruto says blithely, “You really like me a lot! And I really, really like you! So, shouldn’t that make you happy? Why do you seem really upset about it now?”

Sasuke moves, and Sakura catches his fist before it can shatter Naruto’s teeth.

“You really _don’t_ get it,” he snarls, and Naruto shrinks back under Sasuke’s vitriol, “You don’t understand at all! You idiot! _I don’t want to share you!_ I don’t want you kissing any body else! Especially not Kakashi-sensei!”

“Why not, though?”

Sasuke just stares at him.

Naruto continues, trying to make his angry boyfriend see reason.

“Why **not**? Huh? Kissing is nice! Being boyfriends is awesome! I like kissing you and stuff, and all the other things we do. But I like Kakashi-sensei, too! Do I just ignore how I feel about him? Huh? Do I just lie to myself and keep pretending things are fine with just you and me? That I have to ignore that part of myself? Sasuke!”

“You can’t have both! That’s not how love works!”

“You can totally love more than one person! That’s exactly how love works!”

“It isn’t love,” Sasuke shouts, “what you do to him! It’s assault!”

“I do love him! And he loves me back! I know he does! That’s why he let me hold his hand and kissed me when we had sex! _It's because we're in love!_”

Sakura gapes.

Sasuke stares.

Kakashi decides this conversation is over, and flash-steps behind Naruto, and knocks him out with a swift motion.

Naruto goes down soundlessly. Kakashi angles his head so he won’t choke on his tongue. Both his students are very very quiet.

“The mission comes first. We move out before dawn.”

He sits by the fire and says nothing else.

+

Eventually Sakura comes to sit beside him. He acknowledges her presence but can’t for the life of him think of a single thing to say. He feels rather flayed. The last conversation was disastrous for all of them. Words feel like weapons, with edges sharp enough to cut, and he’d really rather not give Sasuke another reason to mother him any harder.

“It did feel nice.”

His heart clenches painfully in his chest.

“Sakura.”

“It did,” she presses, and the pitch of her voice is just loud enough to carry over the crackle of the flame, to where Saskue is sitting sullen and silent beside Naruto. “You have to stop trying to tell us otherwise. What happened happened. You made it feel nice, Sensei.”

He feels ill.

“I didn’t…”

“Didn’t want to. Neither did we,” Sakura says with a half laugh. “But it happened. And I get it. The way for it to happen fastest was for it to feel good to us. That just makes sense.”

“That was my reasoning,” Kakashi says when his voice works again.

“I’m sorry he keeps bringing it up. I know it bothers you.”

“…doesn’t it bother you, too?”

Sakura nods, eyes fixed on the fire as she sits beside her teacher who touched her.

“Yeah. It does. But I feel _better_ now. Not fixed. Not all the way. But loads better than I did those first few days, and a huge part of that was coming to terms with the fact that it felt nice.”

She turns and the fire throws flickering light over the smooth planes of her face, and lights up her eyes, highlights her hair, and she’s going to be gorgeous one day, Kakashi thinks, when she grows into her cheek bones and chin. The familiar sight of her soft smile keeps him fixed in the present, though his eye starts stinging.

“You made it good because that was the fastest way to get it over with. I bet that was a hard decision to make. You know something? Even when it was something terrible that happened to us all, I think that sometimes you forget that it happened to you, just as much as it happened to us.”

The therapist has said so, too. Yamato has said it. Kakashi wonders when he’ll start to believe it, as he’s told by yet another person that their trauma is shared between the four of them, not just one sided.

He was forced to make a terrible decision, under terrible circumstances, with no good alternatives.

He did a terrible thing, and yet a terrible thing was done to him, too, making him choose that choice.

They were all of them broken a bit by the experience.

_You owe us,_ he hears, Sasuke’s voice snarling across his kitchen table in a distant memory.

_I forgive you,_ he remembers, Sakura’s eyes on their hands.

_If you still feel unworthy, prove it to her every day,_ Yamato’s voice says, _that you’re someone deserving of the gift she’s given you. Be better. Do better._

_He’s the worst affected,_ the therapist said what seems like ages ago. _He thinks he’s in love with you._

And what had he done about it?

Not enough.

“It’s time to do better,” Kakashi says firmly, and Sakura nods as they turn in for the night.

+

Naruto spends the rest of the mission under Asuma’s baleful watch with his chakra bound and at least one other gennin at all times. Never is he alone with Kakashi for a single moment. Sasuke and Sakura barely speak to him. Shikamaru calls the whole thing tiresome but he encourages conversation when the blonde goes batshit insane with boredom. They deliver their scrolls and head home without another incident.

Back in Konoha Kakashi admits himself to the hospital and sends out two of his ninja dogs; one with a note for Yamato, explaining his situation and briefly covering Naruto’s most recent attack, the other headed straight for the Hokage with an update on their situation.

He greets the familiar front desk staff with a sheepish wave. He’s very well known around the hospital for easily exhausting all his chakra with the Sharingan.

“Been a while, Hatake-san,” a nurse comments with good-natured humor. “Thought you’d finally stopped overdoing it, but I see things haven’t changed a bit!”

Kakashi nods and allows himself to be swept away to a hospital bed.

Meanwhile Sakura and Sasuke all but kick Naruto out of their teacher’s house.

Naruto tries to whine for sympathy but both his teammates are coldly furious with his latest stunt and refuse to speak with him. Yamato-sensei shows up and Naruto sighs with relief.

“Yamato-sensei, boy! Am I glad to see you! These two are being total jerks! They threw all my stuff into the yard and they aren’t letting me back in! You gotta talk sense into them!”

“Oh,” the brown-haired man says, and Naruto doesn’t notice how dangerously soft his voice is, “Is that so?”

“Yeah!”

“Why would they do such a thing?”

Naruto huffs.

“Well… I kinda tried to get Kakashi-sensei to fess up ‘bout liking me—I _know_ he does—and they got all serious and said I had to move out!”

“That isn’t what I heard.”

As if just noticing the other man’s tone, how icy his words are, Naruto turns slowly to look at his brown-haired teacher.

It doesn’t take a genius to see the stone-cold fury in Yamato’s expression.

“I heard you took advantage when he was weak.”

“I didn’t…”

“You knew his medicine wasn’t working properly,” Yamato says over his protest. “You waited until you were alone. Then you tried to touch him without his consent. Again.”

Naruto looks everywhere but directly at Yamato. He grinds his teeth together.

Yamato waits silently.

“Y’know, fine! Alright, okay, so I wanted it to be easier for him!”

“Easier for him.”

“Yeah! To admit that he likes me!”

“Naruto. He doesn’t like you that way.”

“Ugh. Not you, too. _Everyone_ says—“

“Kakashi doesn’t have feelings for you. He cares about you but not as a lover. As a student. As his teacher’s son. As someone he’s responsible for. You have to see that. Every time you try to touch him inappropriately, _it hurts him_.”

“Yeah,” Naruto says stiltedly, seeming uncomfortable with the conversation for the first time. “Yeah, I remember. A while back, Sasuke said… said, that after, he tried to kill himself.”

His voice goes a little high, a little weird.

“Sometimes, I see it in my dreams. His guts all over the floor. I remember. He… he was really upset, and he tried to kill… he tried to do that. Yeah. I remember.”

Yamato says nothing for a long time.

Then, he looks up, beyond Naruto, toward the sky.

“You’re not welcome here for now. Go.”

“But—Yamato-sensei…”

The brown-haired man turns and leaves without another word. Naruto stares at his back for a long time before he ambles through Kakashi’s yard, not bothering to collect anything, and starts the long walk back to an empty apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate that it had to happen this way. 
> 
> I wish there was a magic 'it gets better' button, but there isn't. Naruto needs more help than he's gotten. He's going to get better eventually. But his road to recovery is much like Kakashi's, long and full of holes, and he hasn't had hardly any actual guidance since the beginning.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven days later. Breathe in, breathe out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone mentioned an update schedule? I don't have one. <s>shrugs</s>
> 
> When the story comes, I write it. Imagine a water faucet you have no control over. Sometimes it drips. Other times I'm nearly drowning trying to keep up with the deluge. And sometimes it's dry like the desert. Who can say? Updates come as I get them in my brain, and after I've gone over them with a fine-tooth comb fifteen times. 
> 
> And someone else kindly asked after me, I'm fine. This story IS intense but I took my mental health week (for the last chapter) and it all panned out. A few chapters left to shake loose some unfinished stuff and work out lingering kinks in the story line. 
> 
> Thank you as always for joining me on this journey.

Seven days later, Yamato collects Kakashi from his latest appointment.

The silver-haired man perks up at the sight of him.

“Aa. I’m sorry you had to wait so long. We ran later than expected.”

“I’m sure you had plenty to talk about.”

Kakashi winces. Yamato looks up but there’s no condemnation in his eyes. Just concern.

They appraise one another quietly for a moment. It’s been a long stay in the hospital. Both Sakura and Sasuke had come to visit at first, before Kakashi assured them he would be fine. Guy and Asuma dropped by, Kurenai and Anko tagging along to wish him well. Yamato had volunteered to help watch over his students in his absence, so they hadn’t seen each other all week. And after he’d been released Kakashi had taken off straight for this appointment. Kakashi drinks in the sight of the brown-haired jounin. Yamato does the same, blinking slowly as he covers the contours of Kakashi’s body with a warm look. The concern transmutes into fondness.

It’s nice to have someone who worries about you.

Yamato seems to realize they’ve been staring at one another and clears his throat.

“About your eye…”

“It’s fine,” Kakashi says quickly. “The hospital cleared me. The drugs from the anti-hallucinogens didn’t mix well with the Sharingan. For now I’m off any medication, and I have to be careful about using my eye. They’re working on a different type of medication, one that won’t interfere with my eye, but will have the same effect.”

“That’s good.”

“By the way, Team seven is under your care while I’m out of commission.”

Yamato looks up and Kakashi is surprised how easily he accepts.

“Did you think I’d turn you down? _Sempai_,” Yamato says as they walk home together. “_Of course_ I’ll take care of your students while you wait for new medicine.”

“I didn’t doubt,” Kakashi says, “only thought you’d be a little more flustered about it.”

Yamato shoots him a suspicious look.

“Were you going to tease me,” he deadpans.

Kakashi doesn’t look innocent enough, Yamato decides, and smacks the silver-haired jounin’s head.

Kakashi laughs sheepishly and rubs his head.

“I guess I deserved that.”

Yamato glares, but there’s a hint of pink to his neck, and the sight of it is charmingly familiar.

They walk back home where Sakura and Sasuke are running on water and sparring with bladed weapons. They wind down at the sight of their two jounin senseis and step off the lake. Sasuke offers Kakashi a curt nod while Sakura greets him with a hug. Kakashi feels the breath knocked out of him—she’s gotten very strong indeed. Together the four of them make lunch and sit down to eat. Sasuke finishes his soup before asking bluntly about therapy.

“It helped. But I’m still concerned about Naruto.”

“It’s not your fault,” Sakura says firmly. “Kakashi-sensei. There’s three of us. You can’t have known it was so bad.”

“I’m not beating myself up about it any more. But I can’t help being a bit disappointed that we didn’t do something to prevent it, sooner.”

“We’re doing something now,” Sasuke observes. “He had an another appointment today, same time as yours.”

“Did you walk him there?”

Kakashi notices, for the first time, the color that’s almost completely hidden by Sasuke’s bangs, on his cheek. He reaches forward slowly, lifting the black hair out of the way, to reveal the angry red mark across Sasuke’s face.

The Uchiha glares at his teacher, daring him to comment on it.

Kakashi doesn’t need much convincing.

“You fought.”

“He’s hurt _worse_,” Sasuke says confidently, eyes downcast. “On the inside. This is _nothing_.”

“But that’s no reason for him to hit you,” Yamato cuts in, voice firm. “You didn’t let him?”

“No. We fought. He’s got a shiner, I got this. We’re even.”

“You didn’t let him hit you,” Yamato asks, looking for confirmation.

Sasuke looks up, meets his eye and nods.

“No, Yamato-sensei. I didn’t let him hit me. We fought.”

Sakura mumbles something that might be ‘_good_’. Then she spears a bite of fish and eats quickly. “C’mon, Sasuke—I was kicking your ass out there. Let’s get back to it!”

“You were **not**,” Sasuke protests, shoveling in the rest of his food and jumping to his feet, “You got lucky twice!”

“It's not luck if it keeps happening! So come and prove it,” Sakura taunts, and there’s a race between the two of them to get their dishes in the sink, and both Kakashi and Yamato watch with undisguised amusement as their students dash back to the lake, hot on each other’s trail. The sound of splashing and the sharp singing of blades meeting fills the air, along with scattered snippets of taunting and conversation, and Kakashi leans backwards, collapsing against Yamato.

Yamato sits up straighter, supports his weight easily.

It’s been a while since they had some time to themselves. Something is on Kakashi’s mind, though. Yamato reaches over and finds the nape of Kakashi’s neck, and massages it with one hand. The silver-haired man makes a contented sound, and leans closer so Yamato can rub him.

“You’re brooding.”

“Am not.”

“Are so.”

“Hmm.”

“I _know_ you,” Yamato says softly. “Want to talk about it?”

Kakashi shakes his head.

“Talked about it in therapy. Don’t want to, right now. Maybe later.”

“I’ll listen, any time you want to talk. But there are other things we can do, if you’d rather not.”

“So forward,” Kakashi says with a coy look, and Yamato flusters a bit.

“I didn’t say… I only… _Kakashi-sempai_!”

“You’re adorable,” Kakashi announces, before he leaps forward to pin Yamato back, and drags his mask off to kiss the other man.

It’s easy, then, and very comfortable indeed, to lose himself for a few long minutes in Yamato’s company. The way they come together to touch, to kiss, to seek each other’s pleasure is familiar now, and good. Kakashi enjoys the way Yamato pants his name, so close to the edge, gasping softly and then they’re sticky, which calls for a shower.

“You look _ridiculous_,” Yamato says flatly as Kakashi scrubs his hair. “How does it stay up, even when it’s damp?”

“I mean, you are naked and wet,” Kakashi points out, even though Yamato is clearly talking about his hair and not his dick.

“I was going to offer you a blow job,” Yamato mutters testily, “I think I won’t, now.”

“What,” Kakashi yelps, “Wait! Don’t—Yamato! I was joking! Don’t leave!”

The brown-haired man watches his older partner grovel a bit before giving in and turning back around with a long sigh. Kakashi promises to be good, so Yamato goes to his knees, still mildly irked, and the shower lasts a bit longer then.

+

They emerge fully-clothed to find Sasuke and Sakura have left a note.

_‘Gone to train with Team 10, TG3, back by 7pm’_

“Looks like the kids are gone,” Kakashi says. “Wanna get back out of our clothes?”

“You’re insatiable, Sempai.”

“That’s not a no.”

Yamato’s neck goes very red though his face remains impassive.

“We’re completely out of eggplant. If you want some for dinner, we have to go shopping.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t mope. Let’s go together.”

Kakashi perks up and loops their arms.

The walk to the market is nice. Kakashi feels very good. Yamato is a wonderful presence by his side, strong and silent, comforting and familiar. Kakashi leans on him a little and Yamato leans back. They let go of each other’s hands as they reach the market place to gather different vegetables.

As they shop, a familiar chakra flickers once. It’s gone before either man can turn around to spot their third student. Kakashi hums and says nothing, though he walks closer to Yamato than before.

They pay for the veggies and linger around the edges of the market place, in case Naruto wants to talk.

“We don’t have to,” Yamato mutters, failing to hide the irritation in his voice. “The last time you tried to hear him out it ended very badly.”

“He’s still my student,” Kakashi says gently. “I let them get like this. They claimed me—said I’m theirs, and so it’s my responsibility to help heal them as much as I can. Let’s wait a few more minutes.”

The blonde shows up as they start walking back home.

He looks haggard. It’s only been a week living on his own again but he looks like he’s spent so little of that time actually resting. His hair sticks out at odd angles, even for Naruto, and both jounin wince a bit at the smell. Naruto himself smells regular but the stink of his unkept apartment is very apparent. So are the soup stains all over his jacket, and the faint cloying stink of spoilt milk coming from his shoe of all things.

His face isn’t hollow. He’s obviously been eating, but Kakashi can tell it’s been all cup ramen.

“Kakashi-sensei! Therapy every day is _too hard,_” he complains at once, “I don’t wanna—“

“Naruto,” Kakashi cuts in. “You’re still not eating enough vegetables.”

Naruto pouts.

“….ramen tastes better.”

“You can have ramen, but you need other things, too. Growing boys need different nutrients, vitamins and minerals. Imagine you’re a plant. Plants need sunlight, water, and warm soil to grow. They can’t grow well without those three things. Lose one, and the plant dies. You need this.”

“But I’m not a plant, and I miss you guys!” Naruto whines, “I hate being on my own! I really miss you! And Sakura-chan, and Sasuke, and Yamato-sensei! I even miss your dumb dogs and their dog slobber! I wanna come _home_!”

Home.

Back to his team, back to the family he’s made with the four of them.

“We want you to come home, too,” Yamato says, tone gentle but firm, “but not before you’re ready.”

Naruto looks like he wants to complain again when Yamato leans down, kneeling. He puts a hand to the ground and grows a tiny branch, complete with leaves and a few flower buds. He stops its growth and plucks it, and hands the twig to Naruto.

“Snap this.”

It’s easy, and Naruto holds out the broken wood with a confused face.

Yamato nods and kneels again, this time growing an entire tree from the ground, tall and thick around as Naruto himself, big, proud, covered in the same leaves that surround the village and hide them from enemy eyes. Naruto’s own blue eyes go very wide at the sight of it.

“Now, snap this.”

“I can’t,” Naruto says without trying, “It’s too big.”

“If you come home as you are now, you’ll be as useful as this twig,” Yamato says, holding out the broken pieces. “How good is a house, or a family, built with broken twigs?”

Naruto’s eyes water.

“It’s not… You can’t. It’ll break.”

“Exactly,” Yamato says, and Kakashi is surprised when the brown-haired man walks over and pulls Naruto into his chest, to surround him with the warmth of a hug. The blonde makes a choked sound and throws his arms around Yamato, too eager, hungry for love, but so clearly needing it that Kakashi can’t fault him.

He’s already been robbed of a family, once.

“We want you to come home with us, when you’re ready,” Kakashi agrees, and comes close enough to lay a solid hand on Naruto’s shoulder. The blonde looks up, eyes wet, and Kakashi regards his student.

“Would you rather build a house with twigs or with trees?”

“Trees,” Naruto says, close to sobbing. “I get it. Okay? I’ll try harder.”

“Okay.”

He shifts to rustle Naruto’s blonde spikes, and his student buries his face in Yamato’s shoulder.

“I just wanna come home.”

“Soon,” Yamato says, voice soft, and fond, and it comes to Kakashi that Yamato cares, as much as he does, or at least a lot, to sound as hopeful as Kakashi feels about the prospect of Naruto returning to them, whole and mended. “We believe in you. You know?”

“Yeah. I’ll get better real soon. Promise!”

“Don’t force it,” Kakashi warns, “Promise me that. Don’t skip steps and try to pretend. We’ll know.”

Naruto sobers a bit, nodding into Yamato’s embrace.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Hey. Kakashi-sensei?”

“Aa?”

“I’m really, really, _really_ _sorry_ about last time.”

Kakashi takes a big breath in.

“Thank you, Naruto.”

The blonde looks miserably guilty and rather contrite, emotions he's never expressed before about his previous inappropriate behaviors. The new therapist is working wonders. Kakashi deeply regrets, again, having waited _this long_ to find the right person for his student's mental health. 

“We talked about it, a lot,” Naruto mumbles, fiddling with Yamato’s vest. “We talk about you, a lot.”

“Naruto, it’s time to go,” Yamato says, parting them.

“Just—lemme just, one thing? Can’t I say…”

“Later. Good-bye for now.”

Naruto looks up at the phrasing. Then a smile breaks across his face.

“Yeah—good-bye, for now! See ya later!”

Kakashi watches him go. The sound of his footsteps is far too loud in the silence following his departure.

“He stomps around like an elephant. We’ll have to fix that.”

“He’s been forbidden from practicing ninjutsu for days,” Yamato hedges on Naruto’s behalf. “Have pity.”

“I do,” Kakashi muses, turning to the tree growing in the middle of the street. “Now. What to do with this?”

Yamato goes terribly red.

+

They tell Sakura’s parents.

More specifically, one day Sakura decides she’s ready, and she tells her parents, without telling anyone else.

Sakura’s mother understands but her father does not. He forbids Sakura from being a ninja, which leads to a huge fight between the three of them, which is how Sakura ends up denouncing her family name and storming off to the civilian registry to make it official.

That’s where Kakashi finds her, angrily demanding paperwork for emancipation.

“Sakura. Let’s go back home and talk about this.”

“I don’t **want** them to be my parents! Kakashi-sensei! The things they said about you… it was awful! I don’t want to be related to them any more!”

Kakashi catches her before she can throttle the poor man working the clerk desk, and walks outside with her hoisted over a shoulder.

She’s furious, outraged on his behalf, and then when he sets her down she’s upset.

For all that she's the most well adjusted of the three, Kakashi reminds himself that Sakura is still just a thirteen-year-old girl. 

“They don’t _understand_,” she whimpers, distraught. “I thought they’d get it—my mom did, but my dad, my dad, he said…”

“Hm,” Kakashi agrees, “And he’s allowed to have those thoughts.”

“But he’s wrong!”

“Sakura. You’re his only daughter. He’s allowed to be upset about what happened. You were. I am. Trying to shove them out of your life is not a good way to handle their disapproval. They’re still your parents.”

The pink-haired girl shakes her head.

“I don’t want them! I like you, and Yamato-Sensei better! Why can’t you two be my parents instead?”

Charmed, and more than a little heartbroken, Kakashi shakes his head.

“Sakura I’m just a teacher. I can instruct you in ninjutsu and teach you chakra control, but I don’t know anything about raising a family. Mine died before I was ten. Then my whole team, and my teacher. I’m a terrible replacement for your real father. One, I’ve no clue about how to raise anyone but dogs. Two, no matter what you think or do, your parents will always be your parents. It’s possible to be reassigned to a different team.”

“It’s not fair,” Sakura moans, “Sasuke-kun and Naruto have no families. Why couldn’t I be like them? They can just be at your place and it’s fine, and no one bugs them to come home and live at their place…”

“This is exactly why I would be a terrible parent. I should have taught you better than to be bitter about having a mother and father,” Kakashi says lowly. “Being alone isn’t an advantage, Sakura. Be glad for the family you do have.”

Sakura stares.

Her eyes get wider, and wider, until she’s very pale.

“Oh. OH! Oh, I’m sorry! Oh my god, I wasn’t thinking—I’m really sorry, Kakashi-sensei!”

The silver-haired jounin rubs the back of his neck.

“It’s… well. It’s not fine,” Kakashi says tiredly. “But that’s why you need your _actual_ parents. To help teach you about things just like this. Come. I think I’d like a cup of tea.”

Sakura wipes her face and jogs to keep up.

They smooth things out with tea and Kakashi walks Sakura back home. She bows low to both her mother and father when they open the door. Her apology shocks both of them, and Sakura’s father gives Kakashi an appraising look before herding his only child back into the house. His student’s mother looks at him with sad eyes before nodding once, and closing the door.

It’s a long, lonely walk back home.

He stops at the Memorial stone to relieve some stress.

“Some days are good,” he tells Obito, and Sensei, and Rin. “Some days…”

His eye itches, and he wishes the new medicine was already developed.

“Some days suck.”

He shoves off the forehead protector and rubs Obito’s aching eye. It’s getting more and more difficult to ignore.

_Why?_

“I hurt my team,” Kakashi mumbles. “I hurt them, but now I’m trying to fix them.”

_Why?_

“Because I care. Because they matter to me. I love them. I want them to get better and to be strong on their own.”

He looks up from the grave and starts to stand.

“It’s getting close to lunch. I think I better get back.”

_Don’t go._

“I’ll be back.”

_Don’t leave me._

An image comes—somewhere dark, and cramped. Half his best friend, crushed beneath a boulder meant for him, in enemy territory, gasping for air, saying his name with his dying breath—

But it’s just an image in his brain. It isn’t real.

Kakashi slides the forehead protector over Obito’s eye. The sting remains the but image clears up. It’s just a hallucination.

His head throbs. He should go home.

“I’m sorry, Obito. I’ll visit again when I can.”

+

Some time passes, and things unfold thusly.

Kakashi remains at home while Yamato and his students take a handful of D-rank missions as well as one flawless C-rank. Guy stops by some afternoons to challenge Kakashi to contests of strength to keep him in top physical condition, occasionally joined by Asuma, and sometimes Kurenai. Naruto goes to therapy four times a week, almost every other day, and his progress gets reported to Kakashi. The Lord Third Hokage expresses his disappointment that Kakashi let things get so bad, and his gratefulness that Kakashi has been so willing to work together with his team towards their recovery.

The therapist recommends a new drug but Kakashi is off them a day later when his Sharingan acts up in a spar with Yamato. There isn’t anything else available to help with the hallucinations. Both Kakashi and the therapist feel thwarted with the lack of effective medicine but hopeful at Yamato’s simple suggestion: keep it closed. As long as he keeps Obito’s eye covered it’s a matter of grounding himself in reality, in being aware at all times, which is enough to keep the hallucinations at bay. It’s also **incredibly** taxing, staying in that state of near hyper-awareness, but Kakashi would rather work himself weary than accidentally give either of his remaining students a reason to relapse.

Sakura is sullen about her parents for a long time until Ino drags her home for an entire weekend’s sleep-over. After she’s still vaguely upset any time someone brings up her parents but she’s no longer sulking about it.

Sasuke is restless. As pissed as he was (he still is) about Naruto’s inappropriate behavior it’s clear he’s missing Naruto’s loud presence in Kakashi’s house. He complains about it finally one day at breakfast.

“It’s been almost three weeks. When can we see him?”

Yamato looks mildly surprised.

“You haven’t been stopping by?”

Sasuke growls.

“Kakashi-sensei kicked him out! Doesn’t that mean we’re not allowed to talk to him until after he’s allowed back?”

“He’s doing alright,” Kakashi says as he walks into the same room, sitting down beside Yamato and picking up a bowl of miso soup. “It’s not my place to discuss any details, but it looks like he’s actually talking through his issues with this new therapist. I can’t say exactly when but I’d like to welcome him home before his birthday.”

“That would make him really happy,” Sakura muses.

Sasuke frowns and says nothing.

There’s a silence that follows that no one knows how to break. The sound of eating continues undisturbed and the thought comes around that they’re **all** missing Naruto’s presence. His bright vitality, his inexplicable ability to be joyful about just about anything, his vibrancy and honesty, and his perchance for mischief. It’s been rather calm and quiet in the Hatake household for the length of his absence.

“I’m done,” Sakura says finally. Then, standing with her bowl, “I think I’ll head downtown.”

Sasuke looks up sharply and grabs his own food.

“Yeah. Me, too.”

Yamato watches the kids rush off to put up their plates and head into town together, obviously in pursuit of their third teammate. He nudges Kakashi with a shoulder.

“Think it’s too soon?”

“Let’s let them surprise us,” Kakashi suggests, and pulls his face mask off, and pulls Yamato closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really excited for the next chapter. I just want them all to get better but it takes time. We're headed for some really lovely healing stuff.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby steps.

Not being a ninja is BORING.

Super boring, and awful, and no one said he couldn’t still train his body while he was stuck playing civilian, so Naruto still wakes up really super early and does exercises in his room until the sun’s out. Then he eats breakfast (not just ramen, take _that_, Kakashi-sensei!) and does the dishes, because if you leave them then they stink and smell, and that’s a bad habit, and his therapist is gonna bug him until he does it, so he might as well do it so he doesn’t have to get bugged.

Naruto finishes the boring stuff and gets on to the good stuff: Fuinjutsu.

He opens up a spare scroll and picks up where he’d left off. Reading is one of those really lame habits that old people like, but since Naruto’s forbidden from practicing throwing stars or chakra control, he’s had to fall back on studying theory. And plus, he’s got a seal on his stomach and he’s kinda always been curious, and because the therapist said that he’s allowed to at least READ about being a ninja, since he’s on probation but he’ll totally go crazy without something to focus on.

It’s not that hard.

Well, that’s not true, Naruto admits to himself. It WAS hard. Really, really hard, _especially_ in the beginning, when he still didn’t really want to read, because reading is SO BORING and he understands things so much better by just doing it.

It had taken him almost a week to read the first baby’s basics beginner Fuinjutsu instruction scroll. Sometimes he would open and close it and open it again, hoping the words would be less, or smaller somehow. But afternoons spent sulking were even more boring, so he grumpily pushed the scroll back open, determined to get away with being a ninja, no matter how stupid and dull and dumb reading scrolls and their dumb long words…

By the middle of the second week he’d gotten through the second sealing scroll.

These days he can read a whole scroll in one sitting, and recently he’s been working out trying to write his own Seals.

It’s weird, and tricky to get the brush strokes right, and with his chakra mostly sealed he can’t test anything, but Naruto enjoys the way Sealing is kind of like painting. And painting has been his specialty since he was a kid! He’s awesome at using big giant paint brushes or the little tiny ones.

His therapist also likes that he’s studying sealing because it’s supposed to be good practice for… something. Keeping him on task? Because to get it right, there’s all these details, and he can’t mess up or the entire thing’s crap, so he really has to pay attention. Focus? Whatever. Naruto forgets the exact word. But it’s not important, what’s important is that the dumb therapist was right. It’s good for him because he feels SUPER awesome when he finishes sketching a seal all on his own.

A familiar grin creases the whiskers on his cheeks, and Naruto opens up another blank scroll.

His ninja self-study takes up another hour and then Naruto feels grabbed by a familiar sense of wanderlust. He needs to get out of the house and enjoy the sun for a bit before his appointment.

Going to therapy is just another part of the day now, like lunch, or stretches, or the baths that his therapist insisted he take daily on pain of writing him up and forbidding him from even studying Sealing. Naruto had agreed to that so quick it made his head spin. There was NO WAY he was going to lose the one part of ninja life he’d been allowed to keep on his probation! So if he had to jump into the shower every day and scrub himself, so be it. Being allowed to study Fuinjutsu was _totally worth it._

The walk takes him past the market and down into the civilian sector. It’s on the walk that he runs into his teammates. Naruto brightens at their familiar faces, Sakura’s shock of bubblegum pink hair easy to pick out from the crowd, and close behind, Sasuke’s brooding figure.

The blonde feels joy bubble up inside his chest the way it hasn’t in _weeks_, and he rushes over with a blinding smile.

+

They see him coming a mile away. Naruto looks different—runs funny, is Sasuke’s immediate assessment, before he remembers Naruto’s been forbidden from using his chakra for a whole month, and is probably feeling out of tune with the way he’s used to running.

But there’s no mistaking that bright blonde hair and stupid grin.

“Oh. Sakura-chan! Sasuke! Hey! It’s me!”

“Hello, Naruto.”

“Dobe.”

“Oi! Take that back!”

Arguing already. Sakura sighs as Sasuke snorts and Naruto growls. “Nothing’s changed, has it?”

“Eh? No way! I’m totally different,” Naruto protests, “He started it, anyway!”

“I didn’t start anything. Just stated the obvious. You’re still an idiot, idiot.”

“Yeah, whatever. Hey, Sakura-chan! Check this out! I did this on my own. It’s Fuinjutsu!”

He ignores Sasuke’s look of disbelief that Naruto isn’t bickering with him as he unrolls a roll of parchment. Sakura looks suitably amazed and Naruto beams. Even sourpuss Sasuke begrudgingly looks impressed by the detail in the fine lines of ink.

“Wow. Seals? These are really well done, Naruto! Did you do them without a stencil?”

“Yeah! I mean, it took _hours_, but yeah, I did ‘em on my own! I like Sealing, y’know?”

“It looks pretty complicated.”

“It’s not! Here Sakura-chan, look at this. Follow this pattern, until you get to the twisty bit, right there? Then it loops down, in a kind of spiral! And this part, this part controls the amount of chakra you can channel in, and how much comes out! It’s pretty easy, actually. Just takes a ton of time to figure out where all the little parts go…”

As he goes on, he realizes that Sasuke is still staring at him. Naruto tries not to let it bother him but eventually Sakura notices, too, and says something about it as he wraps up his scroll.

“We… really miss you, Naruto.”

“You do?”

“I do,” Sakura says confidently. “We’re not a whole team without you. So get better and come back soon.”

Naruto’s grin could light a room.

“Yeah! Yeah, I know! I’m working on it, believe it! Ah! Actually, I’m headed to my appointment. D’you guys wanna walk me there?”

“Sakura,” Sasuke says abruptly, “Can you go home?”

Sakura looks surprised and then worried.

“Is that such a good idea?”

Sasuke reaches out a hand. Sakura reaches back and takes it without hesitation. He looks her in the eye and squeezes their linked fingers once. His expression softens marginally.

“I’ll be careful. Thanks for worrying. Go tell Yamato-sensei not to.”

“You know he will,” Sakura says teasingly, “He’s such a dad.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes, cheeks pink, and shoos her away.

Then it’s just him, and Naruto.

For once Naruto is quite while they walk. Sasuke gets over his flustered feelings about Yamato (he’s _not_ his dad, he’s just a respectable older guy who really likes his other teacher and hangs out at the house and cares about him—totally not a dad) and focuses on his feelings about Naruto.

It’s been quiet without him.

It’s still quiet, now, which is strange to Sasuke. He’s so used to loud Naruto. This version of his teammate seems bright and cheerful still, but dimmer somehow. Subdued. He probes cautiously, initiating conversation to get rid of the strange silence between them.

“You’re back in therapy.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s this guy?”

“He’s alright.”

“Better than the other one?”

“Yeah,” Naruto agrees, kicking a stone as they walk. “Better. Not as controlling.”

“Controlling?”

“The other guy always told me to smile, after. When Yamato-sensei or Kakashi-sensei came to pick me up,” Naruto confesses, eyes downcast. “Said it was part of making me better, said that I had to be able to smile, no matter what, and that was gonna help. But really all that did was make me angry.”

He knows where the old therapist’s office is. _It would be simple,_ Sasuke muses, to just slip over under the cover of night._ A little Katon-jutsu, under the door…_

_No. No arson,_ Yamato-sensei’s voice denies firmly in his brain._ Bad Sasuke._

He’s fighting with his teacher in his head. Maybe he should tell **his** therapist.

Sasuke breathes out, slowly.

“So this new guy. He doesn’t make you feel like you have to pretend?”

“Oh yeah. He **hates** that, more than if I just yell and scream sometimes. He hates it if I pretend I’m alright and I’d rather just mess up his office a whole bunch.”

The Uchiha looks over in surprise.

“Do you do that a lot?”

Naruto nods.

“I used to. Back in the beginning. I was **really** angry, about **a lot** of stuff. Having to move out, not being with you guys, not being a ninja? I was _pissed_. I threw things and screamed a ton the first day. I busted up his office, broke a chair, and basically went ape-shit.”

There’s a pause. Sasuke looks over to see for the first time a strange expression on Naruto’s face: contemplation.

“But he let me. And when I was exhausted, after, he just stood up and hugged me.”

Naruto kicks another stone in their path and shoves his hands in both pockets.

“I thought it would be weird since I didn’t even know the guy. But it wasn’t. It just made me feel real bad about messing up his stuff. So I helped put it all back together, and then we just sat and talked for a bit while I cooled off. He wasn’t mad or angry that I got all pissed and broke his chair and ruined his desk. He just…. He said it wasn’t okay, but I was going through some stuff, and I needed to stop trying to ignore it, and deal with it.”

Sasuke remembers the first few months after Itachi slaughtered everyone. How angry he was. How coldly furious, and frustrated at his own weakness, and the splintering of wood when he went to Itachi’s room and broke everything he could get his hands on. He remembers the way his hands shook violently for a whole week after, and how the rage went out of him for a long time after that.

“Sometimes you have to break things before you can fix them.”

Naruto snorts.

“Yeah. The therapist said that, too. He also said if I was gonna break stuff in his office I had to fix it later, and it’s really hard to repair some things. Glass is never the same again, y’know? It’s smooth but once you break it, it’s always got those hairline fractures.”

Sasuke realizes they’ve stopped walking.

When he turns to look Naruto’s face has changed again. Sasuke wonders when he’ll stop being surprised. But now there’s something nervous, cautious coming over the blonde’s features.

Naruto looks afraid.

“He said… He said that _**I**_ might be like that, if I keep bottling up how I feel. That I might break apart into pieces so small that they might never fit back together the right way again.”

He means to say something, but he can’t. It seems very important, what Naruto’s saying, and Sasuke swallows his question to listen better.

“I don’t _want_ that. I want to go back to the way things were, with you, and me, and Kakashi-sensei, and Sakura-chan all together. I don’t _like_ thinking about staying like this forever.”

“But you can’t come back until some things change,” Sasuke says.

“I know that I’m not supposed to be trying to do adult things with Kakashi-sensei. I get that it’s wrong, since I’m a ton younger, and he’s way older, and more than that… People keep saying he doesn’t like it. I mean. I guess if _everyone_ says it’s true, it must be. And he says so, too. And you. And Sakura-chan, and Yamato-sensei, and everyone. So I guess… he really doesn’t like me back. I get it, now.”

Sasuke wonders how final this revelation is.

“Last time you said you got it, you didn’t get it,” he says uncertainly.

Naruto shrugs.

“I know I’m kinda slow but I think I get it this time. Kakashi-sensei did what he did because he had to. Not because he wanted to.”

Sasuke nods, and waits.

“….I wish it never happened. What he had to do to us.”

It’s the first time he’s heard Naruto say something about the desert mission with an undertone of resentment.

Finally.

Sasuke feels a selfish wave of relief wash over him.

Maybe it’ll stick, this time. Maybe now he won’t be always glancing someone else’s way. It’s completely selfish but Sasuke is sick and tired of Naruto being hung up on their teacher. It’s been a long time in coming but the way Naruto says it, like it’s an inconvenient but undeniable truth, gives the black-haired boy hope.

“Yeah? Join the club. Are we gonna be late to your thing?”

“Nah. It’s real close, and what time is it? It’s not time yet. Plus, he doesn’t mind if I’m a little bit late, sometimes. I try not to be too late, since we gotta meet a lot, and I don’t wanna be tardy all the time, but sometimes I get distracted or I want a snack, and I’m a little late. He doesn’t mind.” Naruto grins. “It’s nice.”

He looks up then and Sasuke finds it difficult to meet his gaze. He’s spent the last few weeks waiting to talk to Naruto and now, in front of him, he doesn’t know what to say. Frustrated and embarrassed, he looks away.

“Sasuke?”

“…”

“Sasuke, hey. Will you look at me for a sec?”

Sasuke does, and forces himself not to mind when Naruto leans in to move his bangs away from his cheek. The smell of Naruto is familiar, salty and a little like citrus, and the feel of his thumb brushing over Sasuke’s cheek is also familiar, and beloved. His eyelids flutter a bit as Naruto’s finger traces the smooth flesh of his face.

“Heh. It’s all gone. Can’t even tell that I totally decked you.”

“You got lucky, dumbass,” Sasuke snaps, “and where’s your black eye, huh? Bet that healed up day one.”

“Didn’t even last a day,” Naruto says tauntingly, a grin plastered across his face.

He hasn’t let go of Sasuke yet.

They’re standing rather close. Sasuke feels heat creeping across his cheeks and tries to tell himself it’s just residual heat from having Naruto holding on.

Suddenly Naruto looks at him with different eyes, and Sasuke sees that he isn’t the only one who’s been looking forward to their meeting.

Naruto’s head tips forward marginally, but stops when they’re a foot apart. Sasuke tries to convince himself he’s not holding his breath as the blonde starts talking.

“I’ve missed this. I miss you.”

“Yeah.”

“I like you a lot, y’know?”

“Yeah.”

“The therapist thinks now isn’t a good time for me to be boyfriends with anybody,” Naruto says simply. “But I miss you. I like you. I really, _really_ wanna touch you, and stuff.”

Sasuke looks back with a hard stare.

“You said that last time.”

“I know,” Naruto admits. “And then I did that thing, with Kakashi-sensei. I didn’t forget.”

“How can I believe you this time?”

The gentle hand against his face slides away, but not for long, finding his fingers instead of his cheek, and Naruto brings Sasuke’s hand up to his mouth, and kisses his knuckles. It’s startlingly cute, and Sasuke can’t fight the flush that takes over his pale face.

“I get that you’re probably still pretty pissed about that. I’m sorry. I don’t understand it all the way, but this guy is really good at explaining things for me. It just takes a lot of patience because he’s gotta explain things over and over again until they stick. According to him, I still have a lot of stuff to get through,” Naruto muses, lips pushing against Sasuke’s hand.

“Y’know, Sakura-chan got better faster after she started hanging out with Ino. I think I’d get better faster, too, if I had a friend like you, Sasuke.”

The black-haired boy is rather speechless.

He shouldn’t be so shocked. This is Konoha’s self-proclaimed number one unpredictable ninja after all.

Sasuke feels a familiar smirk pull at the corner of his mouth.

“Bet you don’t last two days before you try something funny.”

“What d’you mean, something funny?”

“You can’t hold out,” Sasuke taunts, “You already kissed my hand. There’s no way you can be ‘just friends’.”

Naruto’s cheeks go a bit red.

“Oh yeah? Just watch! I’ll be… I’ll be SO just friends with you!”

“It’s not a competition, dork.”

“You’re just saying that because you’d lose!”

Sasuke growls, back in familiar territory, and shoves Naruto’s shoulder.

Naruto growls back, and shoves back, and then they’re tussling, neither using chakra, and tumbling into the street. A small cloud of dust goes up as they flail, limbs tangled, throwing fists and kicking and the scuffle rolls them right into a doorway.

The door swings open and a middle-aged man with dusty blonde-brown hair and spectacles steps out. He takes one look at the boys grappling on his doorstep and reaches out with both hands.

Sasuke and Naruto yelp as they’re hoisted off the ground by the scruffs of their shirts.

“Naruto-kun. What were my rules about violence?”

“Sorry, sir! It’s just—it’s _Sasuke_!”

“Oh?”

Sasuke wishes he could shrink a bit as he’s scrutinized by a civilian. The man has glasses, and a mustache, and looks to be in his mid thirties. He looks so weak it’s painful. But he gives Sasuke the once-over and nods, strangely unfazed by their fight at his door, and sets both teenagers down.

“It’s nice to meet you, Sasuke-asshole.”

Sasuke’s jaw drops.

Naruto gapes, and goes bright red.

“_Y-y-y-you can’t call him that!_” he hisses furiously, hopping foot to foot in indignation.

“Oh? Why not? You call him that all the time, Naruto-kun,” the man says in mild amusement. “That’s how you’ve always described him.”

Sasuke’s look of disbelief is replaced by a murderous stare.

Naruto laughs very nervously.

“H-Hey! Hey, isn’t it my appointment time **right** **now**? Well, gosh! Sorry you had to wait for me! Uh, Sasuke, I’ll talk to you later, gotta go, see ya, BYE!”

The older man lets Naruto herd him inside with an incredulous expression, though it’s edged with good humor, and the door shuts in Sasuke’s face.

+

He gets home, still in a daze by being called an asshole _by an adult._

Sakura sees his vacant stare and runs to greet him, worried.

Then she gets the story.

Then she laughs her ass off, and Sasuke chases her across the lake in the back of Kakashi-sensei’s house, flinging weapons at her to shut her up, which is how Kakashi figures nothing too terribly tragic happened.

“This is my life now,” he muses introspectively.

Yamato looks up for a moment. He also catches the sound of Sakura’s laughter, and the sound of shuriken and kunai being deflected or slipping into the lake, and shrugs.

“They sound fine.”

“Precisely. Why does the sound of children laughing along with the sound of flying knives soothe me?”

“We’re ninja. This is normal, for us.” Yamato muses back at him. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“It seems a bit divorced from reality.”

“I am a man made of wood,” Yamato monotones, sitting up and meeting Kakashi’s look of concern with a flat look of his own, “You can _hold lightning_. Our students know how to _run on water,_ and both of us have killed, and have nearly been killed. We can _stand on the ceiling_ and summon animals from paper scrolls. We’re ninja. What reality are you living in?”

“It’s a pretty good one,” Kakashi confesses, fingers running over Yamato’s bare forearm. “You’re here with me, after all.”

It’s a good answer, because Yamato’s eyes soften, and he comes closer with an alluring gaze.

“I _am_ here. Kiss me?”

“What a wonderful life,” Kakashi murmurs and leans forward to kiss his partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there. It's happening.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi takes a bit of a hop forward, Iruka shows up and surprised the hell out of me, just elbowed his way into my damn story but he's a sweetheart so it stuck, and there's murder. That's the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *squinting*
> 
> What the hell. We... made it. 
> 
> We're in the comfort/recovery arc, people. **_we fuckin did it_**

“It’s called _nezeprozol_,” the therapist says. She sounds very confident.

Kakashi takes the new bottle of pills cautiously.

“Any side effects I should be concerned about?”

“The usual. Headache, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, migraines….”

The dosage and instructions for use reads the same as the others. One tab a day, up to two, no more than 2 tabs in 24 hours, if more than 2 tabs are ingested, induce vomiting immediately, or contact poison control. Seek immediate medical attention, etc, etc.

“Joy.”

“Bottoms up,” the therapist agrees as Kakashi pops the first tab.

The silver-haired man makes casual conversation as he monitors his own response to the medication. Nothing adverse happens right away, which is generally a good sign. He still covertly tracks his own vitals as the conversation progresses. Blood pressure remains normal. Heart rate steady. Pulse strong. All good signs. Breathing normal. No dizziness or nausea. And Obito’s eye remains painlessly dormant behind his forehead protector. Kakashi allows a selfish little wave of hope to roll through him as the fifteen-minute mark goes by. Maybe this is the one.

“So what’s your professional opinion?”

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi asks, blindsided by the abrupt change of topics.

“About the drugs. You’re hardly paying attention to what we’re talking about. You're very busy watching your own reaction to the drugs.”

Kakashi squints at his therapist.

“Are you _sure_ you’re not a ninja,” he asks, not for the first time.

The therapist tries to hide her smirk behind her cup of tea and declines to answer.

“My opinion is that there aren’t any obvious contraindications to me taking this medication. And I _was_ listening. We were discussing Naruto, and how it would be nice to bring him back home.”

“Ah! So you were paying attention after all,” the therapist says, teasing and bright. “Only to be expected of the infamous Copy-Ninja Kakashi!”

She offers a sincere smile and he tries not to feel quite so pleased with himself. He remembers trying to run off on his therapy, burning the prescription in a back alley and trying to convince himself he was fixed and fine, and the way it nearly ruined all the progress everyone else had made.

Kakashi thinks of the guilt he wore like a weight around his neck, how it made every day longer, more painful, and how her guidance has helped lift it nearly all the way from his shoulders. He can meet people’s gazes in the streets now. He doesn’t constantly second guess that everyone knows what he did and is judging him for it, and it’s because of her.

This woman has been here for him even when he didn’t want her to be. She’s made _such_ a difference in his life and he barely knows anything about her. Sure, it’s her job, but it’s so much more to that, to him. She’s been kind when he thought no one would care. She’s been strict when he tried to be lazy. She has guided him on his journey, kept faith when his own wavered, and celebrated his success, championed his progress, kept him motivated and focused. She’s worked so hard to help him heal.

He tries to imagine getting this far without her and he knows he absolutely wouldn’t have made it.

Kakashi looks up with a sincere smile of his own.

“Thank you.”

“Oh? What for, Hatake-san?”

“Please. Call me Kakashi.”

+

The medicine works. After a week and a half with no change in results, Kakashi resumes complete responsibility of Team seven and Yamato goes back to his ANBU duties, though he remains a frequent visitor among the Hatake household. His job keeps odd hours and finally Kakashi gets tired of the inconsistency, and the way he wakes up some days to find Yamato gone from his bed.

“You could just move in,” Kakashi suggests blandly one day as Yamato tries to excuse himself for the third time that week.

“I… don’t want to be a burden.”

“The kids are already used to you.”

“I’m not a permanent member of the household,” Yamato says reasonably, “Maybe one day, but for now, I don’t really…”

Kakashi sits up and looks at his partner very seriously.

Yamato freezes in place as the silver-haired man takes his hand, and takes a knee.

“Then let’s fix that.”

He feels his heart leap into his chest.

Surely not.

But Kakashi is fumbling around in his weapons pouch for something, and murmuring something softly, saying Yamato’s name fondly, and holding onto his hand, and “Sempai w-what are you doing,” he asks very quickly, forestalling Kakashi’s search.

Kakashi looks up from where he’s kneeling on the floor, still holding one of Yamato’s hands in his, the other in his weapons pouch.

“I rather thought it was obvious.”

He’s on the ground, taken a knee, looking for something to give to Yamato.

_Is he about to propose?_

Yamato’s head spins.

_They’re partners,_ he thinks dizzily as Kakashi searches in his pouch, boyfriends, some might even call them lovers but it’s _so sudden—_besides, it’s too soon; they’ve just barely gotten things settled, and Naruto’s not done with therapy, and Kakashi still has issues to work out, and Yamato isn’t sure if his heart can take the huge leap from…

Kakashi goes “Ah,” and pulls out a key.

“Here. This is yours.”

Yamato stares.

Kakashi blinks up at his partner.

“I made it for you,” he says, when Yamato commits to his disbelieving look, “I figured you’d be coming and going at odd hours, so I just had it—urk—“

+

Sasuke walks in from training with shuriken, slips out of his sandals, only to look up and see Yamato-sensei choking Kakashi-sensei out on the floor in front of the kitchen.

He stops and looks at them, really looks at them, because honestly Kakashi is also a jounin and former ANBU, and if he really wanted to of course he’d escape, so it must not be life-threatening…

Sasuke’s face twists with realization.

Then he asks very loudly,

“_Is this a sex thing_?”

+

Sakura is taking off her shoes when she hears Sasuke’s question, loud and clear.

She looks up also, to see Yamato-sensei straddling Kakashi-sensei on the floor of the kitchen, with both hands around his neck, and Kakashi-sensei looks rather blue in the face, like he can’t breathe or something.

There’s a sound that comes from Yamato that may or may not be a banshee’s shriek.

Sasuke comes flying back out of the house, top-speed, and it’s only years of ninja training that allow Sakura to duck and roll with him away from the flurry of twisting wooden blocks that go sailing through the air.

“What the hell?” She asks as they run.

Sasuke makes a face like he’s eaten a lemon.

“They were doing _adult stuff,_” he imparts with a grimace. “On the _floor_. In the _kitchen_.”

Sakura giggles, because she’s a pink-haired demon, and Sasuke shudders.

“Shut up, _shut up_, I don’t wanna think about it—“

“Yamato-sensei _totally tops_.”

Sasuke's scandalized face is priceless. 

“WHAT did I JUST SAY—“

Sakura opens her traitor mouth and Sasuke does NOT want to think about either of his teachers doing adult things so he shuts her up the only way he knows how, hands folding together to prepare a blast of fire, and as predicted Sakura is too busy trying not to get singed to bother him with awful details like the fact that their dads were making out on the floor _where they eat food_. Gross.

+

Asuma is a good friend. He goes to check up on Kakashi, who he hasn’t seen in a bit. The silver-haired bastard just loves his own company and spends all his time sulking out at the memorial stone or taking his team on missions. Well, when he isn’t busy answering Guy’s challenges, which seem to have become an every-other-day sort of thing.

He pauses on the way up to the house as Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura fly past him, but Kakashi’s two students trying to kill one another seems like another bizarrely frequent occurrence, so he doesn’t pay it much mind.

Then the front of Kakashi’s house blows up.

Asuma watches, cigarette dropping from his mouth, as Kakashi barely escapes with his life from a tall brown-haired jounin whose face looks like it was recently set on fire. The man is doing his very best to kill the last Hatake and Kakashi is very cheekily not dying, which seems to incite the other man to try and murder him more efficiently.

Asuma realizes that a good friend would probably try and stop Kakashi from being murdered by what must be his furious boyfriend.

Maybe he’s not that good of a friend after all, he thinks as he crosses both arms over his chest to lean back and watch Kakashi try and cheat death.

+

“My house,” Kakashi whines later.

Yamato grits his teeth.

The Mokuton is very good at both creation and destruction. He’s very tempted to just have Kakashi fix it on his own. _It’s what he deserves,_ Yamato tries to tell himself, struggling to maintain his furious disposition.

But the other man keeps looking sad and mopey about the lack of a very prominent part of his family’s heritage, and eventually Yamato sighs, as loud and as long as is physically possible, and stomps over to flatten the earth with a technique.

Meanwhile, Asuma puts out his second cigarette and walks over.

“Coast is clear. You can stop pretending,” he says as Kakashi whimpers some more.

The silver-haired jounin looks up.

“Is he gone?”

“You shouldn’t tease your boyfriend like that,” Asuma scolds. “And making him put your house back together? That’s just wrong.”

Kakashi shrugs, completely unrepentant. Asuma hides his grin behind a new cigarette.

“Bastard.”

“Takes one to know one,” Kakashi says in good spirits. “What brings you by?”

“Came to check in on you,” Asuma admits.

Kakashi clamps down on his reflexive response to this sentiment and takes a moment to uncover how this makes him feel. Recognizing emotions are important, Kakashi remembers his therapist saying. Asuma wants to know how he feels. Cares about him. Is worried about him, in his own way, and has come all the way out here to check in on Kakashi. That’s nice.

And what answer can he give? He’s… alright. He isn’t fine. The therapist told him to get rid of that phrase from his vocabulary and replace it with something else. But Kakashi honestly hasn’t been too bad off, lately. He hasn’t had an episode in a few days. He’s had good progress reports from Naruto’s therapist. And his very angry boyfriend had previously been a very satisfied boyfriend, which is another good thing that keeps happening to Kakashi. So all in all, there isn’t really anything to complain about.

“Things are good,” he chooses to say.

“Aa. And you were just, what, roughhousing?” Asuma asks, gesturing to the scattered debris, remnants of the impromptu spar that had destroyed the front half of Kakashi’s ancestral home.

Kakashi scratches the back of his neck a little guiltily.

“I gave him a key.”

“Oh?” Asuma’s grin returns full-force. “Big step.”

“It’s not a ring.”

“Do you have a ring?”

Asuma doesn’t miss the way Kakashi’s eye darts around for eavesdroppers.

“Maybe, maybe not. Who can say?”

“**You** can say, you absolute rat-bastard,” Asuma says very cheerfully, coming in and getting Kakashi in a harmless headlock. The silver-haired man doesn’t put up a struggle, accepting what amounts to Asuma’s version of a hug with good grace, and trying not to mind the intense smell of cigarette smoke. “It’s a yes or no question, Hatake! So! When’s the honeymoon? I’ll watch your team while you’re out.”

“Thank you,” Kakashi mumbles, trying to wrap his mind around Asuma taking on Team seven voluntarily, for any reason, “I really don’t have a ring—just a key, for now.”

“Sometime, soon, then?”

Asuma realizes Kakashi doesn’t have an answer ready, even a playful one, and he releases the other man. Drawing up to his full height, Kakashi is actually tall as him. He meets Asuma’s eyes for a moment before looking away. Asuma isn’t trained in reading hidden emotion but there’s nothing hidden about the way insecurity writes itself all over Kakashi’s slumped shoulders, the way he goes to scratch the back of his neck, the way he won’t meet Asuma’s gaze.

At once, the leader of Team ten feels guilty for teasing.

“Hey. My bad. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I know,” Kakashi mumbles, though his gaze is fixed now on Yamato’s back where he’s still focusing on directing the smooth wood erupting gracefully from the ground.

There’s an awkward silence, the only sound still-growing wood.

It’s not like Kakashi hasn’t thought about it. Asking Yamato to stay, indefinitely.

But he hasn’t even said _I love you_ back. He’s still not sure if he can.

He’s ready to invite Yamato for the short-term future. He’s already done that part. _Yamato kept the key_, even through the attempt on his life; with all the things he threw at Kakashi’s head, the key wasn’t one of them.

That’s a huge step.

Marriage isn’t something he even wants—it’s not like he’s planning to resurrect his clan with Yamato.

_But,_ a small, quiet part of him thinks as he watches the brown-haired man finish his work, inspecting the perfect staircase and doors with an irritated huff, _perhaps he’d like a last name._

A hand claps him cheerfully on the shoulder.

“You’re red as a rose, you know?”

Kakashi doesn’t trust himself not to squeak, so he shrugs instead.

“It’s not a bad thing. Getting hitched.”

“Not now,” Kakashi murmurs as Yamato starts walking back over. “Please?”

“Sure. But dibs on teasing you relentlessly, later. Oi! Nice work, kid! You got a real nice touch with flooring…”

Kakashi watches Asuma walk over to critique Yamato’s work, distracting him and giving Kakashi a moment to compose himself. The other jounin greets him warmly enough, mildly flustered at the attention that’s been brought to his technique. The space gives Kakashi time to just admire his half-new house from afar and the sight of Yamato standing in it.

It isn’t anything special. There’s no dramatic timing or framing. He’s just struck with the sudden simple realization, with the post-fight adrenaline finally fading, with the sensation of a normal ninja morning wrapping him up with comfort and warmth inside, at the sight of Asuma chatting amicably away with Yamato in the doorway of his home that he wants this in his future: Yamato, here, with him, always.

It’s a terrifying comfort.

Comfort, because Yamato is good, and feels nice to have around.

Which is why it’s terrifying.

Having so much of yourself in one person is a very scary thought. Kakashi is totally and completely justified, he thinks as he turns tail and flees for the Missions Desk at top speed, in wanting a little space to think about things.

+

Umino Iruka gives him a look of slight shock as he finishes his flash-step and takes an extra hop toward the desk.

“Shortest solo A or B-rank, please.”

“Um… One second. Let me look.” The chuunin dutifully doesn’t ask about what brought on the sudden request. Just goes through his list and pulls out three different scrolls. “Here. These are the shortest I’ve got, in terms of distance from the village and duration. Two As and one B. The B is to…”

“Details aren’t important,” Kakashi informs the younger man cheerfully, grabbing a scroll without reading it. “Thanks, Umino-chan.”

Iruka chokes as Kakashi disappears in a cloud.

“_C-ch-chan_? What the hell?!”

Beside him Genma Shirunai snorts in good humor.

“Nice to see he’s back to himself.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve met our own Sharingan Kakashi, haven’t you, Umino-chan?”

“I swear, if you start,” Iruka grumbles, cheeks bright pink.

Genma laughs softly and shakes his head.

“I’ll be good, sensei. It’s just nice to see an old friend back on his feet. I was starting to worry about him but from what I just saw, he’s right as rain.”

Iruka regards his own friend for a long moment before another team walks in to return their completed Mission. Work piles up too quickly to ask about the silver-haired man again, but Iruka remains curious long after the initial conversation. Shinobi come and go and eventually there’s another lull as the last ninja walk out. It’s then he turns back to Genma to ask about it.

“Earlier. You said something about that man.”

“Eh? Hatake? What about him?”

“I only know him from his reputation,” Iruka admits, shuffling the papers in front of him into a neat stack. “And from what Naruto tells me when we get noodles together. He had so many stories, back when they were first assigned. But lately…” The brown-haired man adopts an introspective look. “…Naruto confided in me. It seems like their team went through a lot, on their last big mission. Enough to make them all take things easy for a little while.”

Genma sits up straighter, clearly interested.

“Is that so? He hasn’t come out for drinks in ages. I thought he was busy getting his genin team in shape for the Chuunin Exams. Aren’t they some time soon?”

“Four months,” Iruka agrees.

“Shame. If they haven’t been aiming for it and training already, there’s no hope for them as they are now.”

Iruka wants to defend his former students from this criticism but unfortunately he agrees with Genma’s assessment. There isn’t enough time to get Naruto’s team up to speed if they haven’t already been working toward preparing for the Exams. To just blindly hope and enter anyway is suicide.

“Of course they’re not ready. They’ve barely been graduated a year and a half. I was a genin for six years before I advanced to chuunin.”

“Eh. We can’t all be geniuses like Copy-Ninja Kakashi,” Genma says with a shrug of his own. “Chuunin at six. Jounin before ten. And from what I heard, Black Ops before fifteen. Man’s a motherfucking prodigy.”

“He certainly sounds impressive, with a resume like that.” Iruka’s fingers drum on the desk. “I wonder what happened.”

“Hm?”

“On the mission that they failed.”

Genma’s senbon drops.

The clatter of it against the table makes Iruka look up. Genma’s face is slack-jawed in shock.

“Failed,” he says.

“Yes. Failed…”

“Hatake _failed a mission_,” Genma repeats, incredulous.

“He’s only human,” Iruka insists.

“In all the time I’ve known him he’s never failed. Not once...”

A hand snags Genma’s sleeve. The tokubetsu jounin looks down at the hand on him, surprised. Iruka’s face is fierce.

“Don’t you dare.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t go digging,” Iruka snaps. “You say he’s never failed a mission before—so what? People fail their missions. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is for someone like Sharingan Kakashi,” Genma mumbles.

Iruka stands to his full height. He’s short so it isn’t impressive, but the intensity of his eyes certainly is.

“Genma. Leave it. Something happened. Something big, something big enough to affect him, and what does it matter what it was specifically? Will it satisfy your curiosity if you know what he failed at? Why do you need to know?”

“I don’t,” Genma says, unnerved at the sudden ferocity in the school teacher’s tone. “Iruka, why do you care so much? You don’t even know the guy.”

“And you do,” Iruka hisses urgently, “And if you have any respect for his privacy, or care about him at all, doesn’t it mean more to support him, than to try and figure out the one thing that he messed up? Which is more important?”

For once, Genma doesn’t have a snappy comeback ready.

“In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you get so defensive of someone like this,” Genma says slowly, suspiciously. “Iruka?”

The brown-haired chuunin usually gets embarrassed easily. Iruka continues to surprise his friend, holding his ground, meeting Genma’s gaze with a steady look.

“Do you remember a while back when I showed up at your door in the middle of the night? I told you my plumbing was having unscheduled maintenance and I need a place to stay for two weeks.”

“Iruka…”

“You supported me,” Iruka continues, voice never wavering, “You knew I was lying, but you never asked why. You just said I could stay, and after I filed the police report and got Mizuki evicted and arrested, in the end, did it really matter _why_ I needed help? You helped me without knowing exactly what was going on. You gave me a place to stay, to feel safe when I couldn’t go back to my own apartment. Naruto’s teacher deserves to have people who will support him. We shouldn’t be gossiping about why he failed, or what went wrong. We should be showing our support as fellow Konoha ninja. He showed up without his team and took a solo A-rank mission. He obviously still needs some time to process whatever has happened. This is his way of dealing with it. We need to do what we can to try and help him while he’s gone.”

“You’re a very kind soul, you know,” Genma murmurs, picking up his senbon and slipping it back between two teeth with a long sigh. “Well then, sensei. Let's see what we can do to help. What did you have in mind?”

Iruka’s stern face softens at once. A smile makes its way across his features.

“I meet with Naruto often. You could come with me, and I could introduce you. We take lunch together at Ichiraku Ramen. Want to join us?”

“Sure. Your treat, Umino-_chan_?”

A vein stands out on Iruka’s forehead.

“Let me teach you a new word, Genma-_san_,” Iruka says with a tightly clenched fist. “_Defenestration_. GET BACK HERE—”

+

Two targets, downwind, at three-hundred feet south-west. Kakashi holds perfectly still, the only movement the rustling of his hair in the gentle breeze. If he isn’t done inside the next half-hour window, he’ll have forty enemy shinobi bearing down on him, likely from every direction, and he likely won’t be making it back home where Yamato is waiting for him.

Home.

The warmth that fills his chest comes from within. It’s half-way to freezing with this weather, and how far North he's come. His targets are easy to track in the snow which falls with a whisper over everything. Kakashi takes a moment to enjoy the sensation growing inside of him, something comforting in the cold. He thinks it’ll be swell to see Yamato again, after this mission, even though he just saw him that morning.

Isn’t that love? That feeling of longing for another person, of wanting them with everything in you, to have them with you forever, to be as close, to want to hold them and be held by them, to just have them in your life, isn’t that it?

It’s probably love.

The targets are on the move.

Kakashi calculates, lets his brain run the numbers, familiar patters of movement speed and human error factored in, taking the very slight wind velocity into account, the strange terrain, is it really love, or just another obsession, what he feels for Yamato? Does he want Yamato at the expense of all else, is he willing to sacrifice everything he is, just to keep him? Is it normal, is it healthy? Yamato already confessed. Doesn’t that mean he should say something, too?

He wonders what Obito would think. With the new medicine, the ghost-voice has all but vanished from the back of his brain.

It’s a little lonely.

But he doesn’t have to be.

One target falls behind, a foot trapped down beneath a branch buried by snow, and Kakashi sends out a single shuriken.

One snapped wire and a hail of kunai fly.

The snow is splattered with blood.

Surprise distracts his second target, and Kakashi flings another knife with deadly accuracy.

There’s a moment, as he’s channeling lightning to end someone’s life, that Kakashi comes to terms with the finality of his own feelings—that Yamato is someone he can’t afford to lose.

It’s far too late to be worried about giving his whole heart away. It’s very clear that Yamato already has it.

So.

That’s it, then.

He’s in love.

Perhaps he should find a ring after all. Or maybe talk to Yamato first? See how he feels about a domestic partnership? Times are changing. Better to get the lay of the land before he goes in for something Yamato doesn't also want. Perhaps he'll tell his therapist and see what she thinks. He certainly can't tell his students, who will completely ruin the surprise... or, perhaps they'll have the best perspective. Who can say? He'll stop by the Memorial Stone on the way back home and ask for guidance. Probably not from hapless, helpless, head-over-heels-for-Rin Obito. Maybe Sensei will have some advice, since he already got married. 

Kakashi continues to mull over his thoughts as he wraps up his solo mission, dispensing with the two fallen figures in the snow.

+

Yamato is in his bed when he comes home. 

He’s awake. Kakashi can tell before he gets out of his clothes and slides in beside his partner—lover—and greets him with a soft murmur. “I’m home.”

“Welcome home, _Sempai_.”

“You know, you _have_ had permission to use my name all this time.”

“Habit. Hold me?”

Kakashi hums his agreement and comes close to cuddle, pulling Yamato back against his chest, still chilly from his trek North. The Mokuton-user makes his own quiet sound of content, pressing back as he’s dragged into Kakashi’s embrace, shifting to let their bodies slot together naturally. Kakashi breathes in deeply, Yamato in his arms, both of them wrapped up in one another and tangled together beneath the sheets, in the security and safety of his home. The sense of relief that floods him crests and comes over like a wave, washing away the last of his worries and it isn’t long after that he’s asleep. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has made it this far. This story has been a fascinating journey for me. My first time writing something of this nature, hugely uncomfortable for me during many portions. 
> 
> I'm grateful to all my readers, the people who comment, and leave kudos. Thank you for joining me on the long, windy road towards recovery. We're almost there.

Naruto’s therapist contacts Kakashi three months before the Chuunin Exams, a little before Naruto’s birthday. While he still has a small mountain of issues to work through, the man is confident that from this point on he can only improve, and that isolation from his team is actually beginning to lean toward negative rather than positive. As ready as he’ll ever be, Kakashi again invites Naruto to live with the rest of them in his family house.

They don’t throw a party but there’s definitely a sense of celebration as the blonde moves his stuff back in amongst Sasuke’s bickering and Yamato’s quiet congratulations, Sakura’s equally jubilant enthusiasm and the dogs’s approval because Naruto keeps sneaking them snacks.

It’s an enduring grin, and a loud voice, and the _presence_ that they’ve all been missing. Having Naruto back among them feels like the puzzle piece that has been lost for a while, only to discover it was under the microwave all along.

The sense of completion as he rejoins them is palpable.

Kakashi even feels comfortable welcoming Naruto back by ruffling his hair, the most contact he’s had with the younger man in weeks and weeks, and says “Welcome home.”

The blonde looks up at him with those big blue watery eyes and there’s no warning before he’s got an armful of bawling thirteen-year-old.

His instinct is to tease, but Naruto starts sobbing before he can say a single thing. Yamato comes in to rescue him, wrapping him up on the other side with an even bigger hug. They’re joined moments later by Sakura, hugging tightly from Yamato’s left, and then finally Sasuke, from his right, with Naruto sandwiched in the very middle.

Then Bull trots over, the biggest of Kakashi’s ninja dogs, and leans in, and they all topple over together onto the floor.

“Doggy pile!” Sakura says with a laugh.

“Hey,” Bull grumbles, “It’s a people pile, isn’t it? More of you than there are of me.”

Kakashi wonders as they all get back up if it isn’t something that should happen again: a people pile. A pile of all of his precious people, all together. As brief as it had been, it was nice. He catches the look on Yamato’s face as they stand and makes a mental note to _make_ it happen later. On purpose, even.

“So, when do we go on missions? Huh? I can’t wait to show everyone all the cool stuff I know now about Fuinjutsu!”

“Oh? Have you actually tried anything since you got your probation lifted,” Sakura inquires.

Naruto grins broadly.

He grabs his two teammates and drags them outside to show off. Kakashi follows, curious, and Yamato tags along for want of anything better to do.

The two jounin watch with bald disbelief as Naruto flawlessly activates three separate self-designed Seals, one to make a rock explode, one to triple the weight of a leaf, and one that sends up a flare like a phoenix rising into the Konoha skies.

Sakura stares with wide eyes. Then, still in shock, a shout of laughter escapes, and she flings her arms around Naruto.

“That was AMAZING!”

“Sakura-chan!” Naruto yelps, nearly thrown off balance. “It was, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?”

“It totally was! How did you do that? Do you have any more?”

“Sure! Loads!”

Their third teammate steps in, then. “What kind?”

Sasuke starts asking questions about the practical applications of these types of Seals in battle. Sakura stops hooting and congratulating Naruto to listen and chime in, as they start to plot and plan their previous strategies and formations to incorporate Naruto’s new talent. It’s fascinating to Kakashi to watch them automatically switch from loud exuberance to serious contemplation as they map out ways to work Naruto’s seals into battle.

“Seems like they’re getting along well,” Yamato says.

“Aa.”

The brown-haired man glances side-long at his partner.

“You’re still concerned?”

Kakashi hasn’t forgotten the last time Naruto was alone with him. He tries to shrug and seem nonchalant.

“I’d rather be cautious and over prepared, rather than be relaxed and sorry for it. They’ve come so far. For something to go wrong, at this point…”

“His therapist seemed to believe that was behind him.”

“I know. I read the reports.” Kakashi looks out at the sight of his mentor’s son laughing loudly as Sasuke demands to see a particular seal. “I want to trust him again. It’ll just take time.”

Yamato’s fingers find his, and their hands squeeze together.

“You’re not alone.”

Kakashi smiles under the mask.

+

Despite the good start, Kakashi remains wary of Naruto for a week, trying not to walk on eggshells and failing, but the therapist is correct. Bringing Naruto back is an excellent call. He folds back in to the team dynamics as if he’d never left, bugging Sasuke, laughing and chatting with Sakura. He’s very eager to show off his new specialty: Sealing. With his chakra unbound he shows incredible aptitude for a familiar field, and Kakashi finds himself spending more and more time with Naruto. His teacher was a Master of Fuinjutsu, after all, and Kakashi hasn’t forgotten the basics.

When it becomes clear another week later that Naruto is in need of more specific guidance, Kakashi decides to go out on a limb.

+

“You don’t know when you’ll be back? You still haven’t explained why you’re going,” Yamato says, voice a little rough as Kakashi folds his pack up. “Is it Naruto? Did… did something happen?”

“Nothing happened. He’s been good. This is something I need to do, for him. In the mean time, there’s a week-long B-rank that will run the four of you along Kumo’s west border.”

Yamato straightens; that’s dangerously close to Suna’s south border. Suddenly he sees the logic in Kakashi taking this personal mission instead of helping with Team 7’s latest expedition.

“Besides,” Kakashi continues as he double checks his supply of pills, “You don’t need my backup. You have Team 10 on your side.”

Yamato gapes at him.

“You’re leaving me with the kids AND Asuma's team.”

Kakashi glances back to see his partner’s look of disbelief. He gives Yamato a thumbs-up.

“I’m counting on you, _kohai_.”

“Why are you doing this to me,” Yamato deadpans, looking understandably miserable at the prospect of having to face seven days alone with two very horny teenagers set on rediscovering their relationship, and their would-be-sister who no longer tries to hide the fact that she is totally on board with her teammates rediscovering each other, anywhere, even in public, as long as she can watch, which Kakashi totally does not feel guilty about, at all.

Yamato whimpers.

Okay. Maybe a bit guilty.

“_Sempai_.”

“It’s because I love you,” Kakashi quips.

It’s completely casual and teasing, intentionally off-handed, like he says it every day, like it’s no big deal, like it’s something completely normal, and natural, and the look it gets him from Yamato is perfectly priceless.

He leans in to kiss Yamato’s shocked face and _Shunshin’s_ out of there as fast as humanly possible.

+

Hatake Kakashi is one of Konoha’s best trackers. It’s this skill that allows him to read the near imperceptible signs, clues hidden in dirt and mud, the faint scent of amphibians, and the taste of smoke on the air, to find his target in just under four days.

That, and the Great Toad Sage is never far from a woman’s bath house.

“Sensei, you gotta help me.”

“Who’s there! I wasn’t peeping! I swear it! I just dropped something… eh?”

“Yo,” Kakashi says with a wave. “Working on your latest book?”

“Exactly! Finally! A man who appreciates my literary genius!”

“Precisely. Jiraiya-sensei, you gotta help me.”

“Eh?”

Kakashi takes in a deep breath.

“Uzumaki Naruto wants to learn the art of Sealing. I’ve taught him everything I could and I’ve come to my limits. Please come back to Konoha and show him the way.”

“Already? Minato didn’t pass on enough to keep his own brat busy?”

“He’s quite adept,” Kakashi mumbles, “and Sensei passed on plenty. But even with the scrolls I have left over from before, I don’t know nearly enough to keep guiding him. He needs you.”

“Woah, woah, woah! You’re not trying to get me to take the kid on permanently, are you? I’m a writer, not a teacher!”

“You taught my teacher,” Kakashi reminds him.

The Toad Sage sighs deeply.

“Well a good deed never does go unpunished, does it? I’ll think about it. What’s in it for me, though, huh? I’ve got important matters keeping me on the move! It’d have to be pretty worth my while to settle down long enough to impart anything of meaning.”

He’s got to start planning these conversations out a bit before charging in to them. People used to call him a genius. It’s time he started using his brain.

“…let me treat you to dinner. You’ve been away for some time.”

Jiraiya follows him with a slow walk.

“Don’t look so glum about it, kid. Sure, it’s been a while, but the kid ain’t dead. What’s the worst that could’ve happened?”

Kakashi stops walking, and turns to look the other man dead on.

“Venthrex.”

Jiraiya’s face tightens, eyes going very wide, jaw dropping in shock. Then he recovers and falls in step alongside Kakashi.

“Sounds to me like we should get dinner somewhere **very** close to the bar.”

+

It’s easy to tell the story. He’s had enough practice.

What isn’t easy is trying to convince Jiraiya not to run out and flatten Suna in retribution, but the Toad Sage isn’t at his most coordinated after the bottles of Sake they’ve put down between the two of them, and goes down at last with a flail.

“I’m not interested in revenge,” Kakashi says firmly, “Just in Naruto, and his recovery.”

“And you think learning more about Sealing will help,” Jiraiya infers, very sharp for someone who can’t see straight.

“Please.”

“It ain’t right. There’s _standards_, between countries. It’s beneath them. I thought Kiri was scum. Even during the war Iwa never stooped so low!”

“Jiraiya-sensei.”

He’s unexpectedly unrelenting, though. The white-haired man is busy mumbling to himself, half-nonsense, half angry noise as he considers Kakashi’s request.

There isn’t anything Kakashi has left to bribe the other man with. He’s asked, and now all he can do is wait.

It’s because he’s drunk. That’s why the words tumble out, instead of staying inside, the way they’re supposed to.

“I told him I loved him, before I left. Yamato.”

Jiraiya blinks at him.

“Oh-ho? You finally get tired of carrying that candle around for your sensei?”

“Why do _you_ of all people know,” Kakashi demands, childishly peeved, “I never told.”

“You didn’t have to. Minato had eyes, kid. And as subtle as you thought you were, he was the Hokage. He knew.”

For a moment, Kakashi remembers the therapist.

_Of course he knew how you felt. He was your teacher._

But the candle he’d held for so long only burnt his hands. And the warmth in his heart doesn’t come from a candle any longer. Now it’s built from a fire kindled from thick sticks and big branches, built on a heap of wood gathered by strong arms, by a man with soft brown hair and kind eyes, with a stern face and a firm voice. Someone who isn’t just an idea but a reality, someone who holds him and wants to be held by him, who touches him fondly, who lets him tease and play, and keeps him accountable while still taking care when things get tough.

He’s in love with Yamato.

The thought is easy, now, and even drunk, Kakashi finds it charming.

“I said ‘_I love you_’. I think I meant it.”

Jiraiya watches as he swirls the half-full sake cup.

“I think you might have meant it, too, kiddo. Congrats.”

“Cheers,” Kakashi agrees, and takes the rest of his drink in a shot.

They share companionable company for another hour before the booze starts dragging on their eyelids. They head off in different directions at first before Jiraiya calls Kakashi back to the inn.

“Pay for a night. ’S too cold to sleep in a tree.”

“Don’t wanna. Inn’s expensive.”

“Don’t whine,” Jiraiya snaps. “It’s easier to travel if we leave together. I don’t wanna have to drag you out of a tree in the morning. Rent a room.”

Kakashi considers this statement multiple times and eventually comes around to the realization that Jiraiya is tentatively (drunkenly) entertaining the idea of returning to Konoha with him. He rents a room.

+

The trip back to Konoha takes them another four more days, at Jiraiya’s pace, with his penchant for finding quaint little small-town inns with really nice onsen baths. The fact that each place they stay has a rather healthy selection of well-endowed women has nothing to do with it, honestly.

The white-haired man breaks off early, mentioning seeking an audience with the Lord Third Hokage, and promises to stop by later to meet up with his student’s son. Kakashi takes him at his word and heads home to see his people.

The house is empty when he gets there. He does the math and realizes they’re a full day or so before Yamato and the kids—before Yamato and _his students_ arrive.

He has to sit down to really absorb that one.

Pakkun hops up onto his lap.

“Welcome back. What’s got yer tail in a twist?”

Kakashi scratches his Summon’s ears affectionately.

“I called them my kids,” Kakashi murmurs. Pakkun nips his finger.

“Don’t mutter. Speak up. And keep scratching, would ya?”

“The students.”

“The pups? Sure. They were yours. Been yours. Ain’t you noticed?”

“I think I didn’t want to,” Kakashi admits, scratching obediently as Pakkun settles into a more relaxed position laid out across his thighs, “think about them being mine. About being responsible for another team. Too much failure, too much death—I’d already got Obito killed. Then Rin. And then Sensei died, and what kind of alpha—what kind of leader lets their _entire team die_? I didn’t want that kind of responsibility again. That’s why I joined ANBU. I was only accountable for myself. Even when I had a team, they were the best of the best. That’s what Black Ops was.”

“Listen to ya,” Pakkun grunts, sitting up. “Look. Sure, you lost your first pack. That kind of hurt is hard to let go of. But you got your second chance with this one. They’re good kids. They ain’t the best of the best but they don’t need to be. They got you lookin’ out for ‘em.”

Kakashi feels a familiar shadow of guilt, of doubt creep up his spine.

“I already failed them, once.”

Pakkun snags his hand and bites down hard. Kakashi yelps, caught completely off guard, and yanks his hand free.

“Pakkun!”

The pug stands his ground, twisted tail wagging.

“Yeah? You let ‘em get mucked up. But didja leave ‘em to die? No! Didja let ‘em sink or team ‘em to swim? Huh? The last time I looked, all those kids were still kickin’. The little pinky went quiet but she’s loud again. The dark one’s all huffy but he ain’t all doom’n’gloom anymore. An’ blondie’s still shinin’! So don’t you dare start droopin’ your head thinkin’ ya messed em up forever! Ya did good, kid. You can be proud of your pack.”

Kakashi stares down at his Summons for a long time.

When he realizes that his face might be wet, he stiffs his lip under the face mask.

“I,” he says archly, and without a hint of sniffle, “am not crying.”

Pakkun pants, because he’s a dog.

“Sure thing, kid. Whatever you say.”

“I’m not,” Kakashi goes on, scooping up his Ninken in both arms, and walking to the kitchen. Pakkun’s eyes go very wide as Kakashi pulls out a rather fat sausage from the cooler. “I never cried. Totally dry. Not a single tear. We’re agreed?”

“Oh, yeah,” Pakkun says quickly, “Sure thing, Boss. Dry eyes. Anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar.”

“Good boy.”

Pakkun nabs the sausage and busts out, disappearing deeper into the house. Kakashi watches him go with a fond expression.

Then he thinks back to his slip of tongue.

_Now you’re ours,_ he recalls, a furious, half-mad look on Sasuke’s face in the dark of night, in this very same house where he’d tried to spill his guts on the floor to correct his shameful failure, for letting them fall victim to such a fate.

Theirs.

And later, he recalls sitting in the kitchen as Sasuke put away dishes with him, looking up from the floor, and saying softly,_ but before that, you were mine._

How long have they been his?

Pakkun seems to think since the beginning.

Have they always been pack? Even when he thought he didn’t want a team? Even then?

He thinks of the way his team earned his approval way back then, how they shared lunch with Naruto against his express orders. He thinks of the bridge mission and how each of them grew exponentially in the face of death. He thinks of every moment since, all the missions they’ve spent side by side, the hours spent training, the time they’ve invested in their teamwork and learning from one another, and the way he knows his students now, so personally, so thoroughly. The therapist had asked, isn’t that your job, to know every detail about them?

“Maybe they are mine,” he admits to himself, in the safety of an empty house, in the quiet of his own company.

Mine.

Something he’s made. Something that’s his, irrevocably. The four of them, three children and an adult, his now.

_Pack_.

He struggles against the huge emotion that sweeps through him, surging up from deep inside. It’s a nameless euphoria, a senseless kind of joy, irrational but pure. It’s softer than delight, more subtle but just as powerful, almost visceral in how quickly it grabs him and takes a hold of his heart, wrapping it up in the familiar sensation of having something precious to protect, that belongs to him in a way no one can change.

He thinks of the students under his care, and the man that’s stepped into his life.

They aren’t just four strangers any more.

They’re his.

His forehead protector is soaked from the back. Obito’s eye is weeping. But, he thinks as he rubs his face, they’re rather different from before. It’s a kind of happy-sad. He can tell, even though Obito isn’t alive to spell it out for him.

Tears of joy.

He’s happy.

Down to his bones happy. Deep in his soul, filled up from his feet to the tips of his hair, his entire-body full of the feeling happy. The kind of happy that makes him smile even though he’s still crying a little.

Kakashi wipes his face again and again.

What to do with such a big feeling?

It honestly feels like the only responsible thing to do is to share it.

Kakashi walks out of his house in a daze, still floating with the sensation of fullness, of being pleased, just full of joy, right up to his eyeballs, and wanders around looking for the right person. A few people give him curious glances as he wanders into town and down the streets. What he must look like, not slouching, walking with a skip in his step. He finds he doesn’t care, because it doesn’t matter. He’s happy. Everything else seems to fall away.

He hears who he’s looking for long before he sees him.

Might Guy looks up as Kakashi comes to a stop two feet from where he’s doing one-handed push-ups.

“Guy. Let’s have a race.”

Guy’s jaw drops. Then, as predicted, tears of Manly Joy, and for the first time, Kakashi doesn’t even care about being swept up in the other man’s arms, being spun and shouted at because he’s got his own brand of something shiny inside. He’s more whole, now, he thinks as he shoves Guy off to decide the finish line. More himself than he has been in years.

The way he feels must show because Guy comments on it.

“Hah! My Rival! Something’s different about you! Lately you’ve been down but today you look splendid!”

“Feeling splendid,” Kakashi agrees easily, stretching. “You ready?”

Guy gives him a grin.

“Always!”

They drop into ready stances and take off, top-speed.

+

It’s possible that he didn’t think through the consequences of telling Yamato he loved him and then disappearing for more than a week.

It’s possible that Yamato is mad at him and that’s why they’re late.

Kakashi tries to tell himself he’s worrying too much. That the team will be back soon, that another day really isn’t that big a deal.

_They ran by Suna’s south border_, his brain reminds him, _and you let them go **without** **you**._

What if.

But he shakes his head to rid himself of such thoughts. It's unlikely. He's overthinking. Making up worst-case scenarios, and the therapist told him to do more constructive things with his time, so he does. He spends time with Asuma and doesn’t complain about the smell of cigarette smoke. He takes lunch with Guy’s team. He’s surprised but pleased when Genma Shuranai challenges him to a spar. The two of them make a fair mess of Training Grounds four and they go for drinks, after.

Genma is an old comrade, a former member of the Yondaime’s personal guard, and his company is comfortable. Kakashi lets his worry go over a few cups of sake. They’re fine. They’re with Yamato. If something bad was going to happen it would have already happened, and the most he can do at this point is react.

“Stop that.”

Kakashi blinks and turns to his drinking partner.

Genma’s squinting at him.

“You’re drunk.”

“Tipsy,” Genma corrects him, “And you’re no better. You’re brooding.”

“Am not.”

“Brooding,” Genma accuses again. “Don’t. They’ll be fine.”

Kakashi’s visible eyebrow hikes up.

“Am I so easy to read,” he murmurs, taking another cup of sake and sipping it. Genma snorts a laugh and tips back his own cup.

“Not usually. Just now. It’s easy to tell. Plus, Team Seven’s off with its other jounin-sensei. Only one reason you’d be moping around with me. They’re gone so you’re worried. Don’t be.”

“It’s been a while,” Kakashi acknowledges. “Thanks for reaching out.”

Genma shrugs.

“Thought you’d be busy with your brats. Ah. But Iruka said not to dig.”

“Iruka? Umino Iruka? Chuunin, works the Missions Desk with you sometimes?”

“Aa. Little cutie.”

Kakashi’s eyebrow hikes up again. He wonders when he’ll stop being surprised but Genma just keeps on.

“Oblivious, though. Can’t take a hint. Don’t tease him, yeah? He got all cute and flustered about ‘_chan_’.”

“Genma.”

“Don’t,” the other man says with a slight sway. “I’m done for. He’ll never notice until I’m ready to tell him straight up, which I will, eventually, so don’t you dare pity me. As for you, when did you get domestic? You’ve given out a key to your place, or so the story goes.”

“Asuma,” Kakashi grumbles. Genma laughs.

“Got it in one! So spill. Who’s the missus?”

“Mister.”

Genma splutters, spills his drink a bit at the revelation. Kakashi says nothing, waiting for Genma to compose himself. The tokubetsu jounin straightens and fixes his friend with a suspicious look.

“Batting for the other team?”

“Look who’s talking.”

“I’m not putting you down about it—just didn’t expect it. But hell, I guess I should have known, with the way you spent _years_ depressed after your Uchiha died.” Genma stops and switches tones immediately. “I’m sorry. That was disrespectful of me.”

Kakashi finds he doesn’t mind as much, with the alcohol.

“It wasn’t Obito.” It’s a funny thing, though, to think of Obito as ‘his’. Especially since he never was except in a team sense. Genma blusters his way through another apology and Kakashi excuses him. “I loved him, too, but not that way. I loved him the same way I loved the rest of my team.” Kakashi takes a long moment to weigh his options, and chooses to put his cup down. “His name is Yamato.”

“Cheers,” Genma mutters, and takes another drink. “Is he the one?”

“I think so.”

“Damn! You really are domestic, now!” Genma leans closer nosily, lowers his voice. “Gonna give him your last name?”

Kakashi doesn’t get upset this time. The more he hears it, the more he likes the idea, the sound of it.

“Maybe.”

Genma whistles, low and long, as Kakashi gets up from the bar. He calls a friendly invitation at Kakashi’s back, to join him again for drinks, which Kakashi returns with a wave before turning exit the bar and head home.

+

Yamato is fast asleep when Kakashi comes home from the bar.

He takes a few moments to just look at the other man, the familiar sight of the man he loves and hasn’t seen in more than nine days. Yamato’s cheek is turned to the pillow and the slow rise-and-fall of his chest as he breathes is an incredible comfort to see. It means he’s living. Kakashi takes solid comfort from that obvious fact. He’s alive, and he’s here, and he’s in Kakashi's bed.

Kakashi would also like to be in Kakashi’s bed.

He strips quietly and slides into beside the other jounin. It’s never a good idea to be too quiet, lest his bed partner think him an assassin, so he makes enough noise to rouse Yamato gently. The other man barely opens an eye before humming in acknowledgement. By the time he’s settled in against Yamato the other man is already drifting back into dreams.

As eager as Kakashi is to turn Yamato over and greet him properly, and hungrily, with lips and teeth and tongue, Yamato is probably better off getting some real rest. It would be selfish of Kakashi to wake him when he’s clearly exhausted after so long with Guy and the kids. Kakashi will have plenty of opportunities to tease Yamato tomorrow, and to ask about the mission.

He nuzzles in close, pressing a single kiss to the base of Yamato’s neck, and closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are _so close_
> 
> Honestly there's maybe one? two? more plot points to hit and then we're wrapped up. 
> 
> That being said, do you have any questions that remain unanswered? Any curiosities about things that have happened, or that you thought would happen but didn't? Did this story make you consider your own journey through rest and recovery following a traumatic incident, or even just help make you feel better after a rough day? I hope it has. 
> 
> Be well, dear readers. See you for a few more chapters, coming soon.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Arc is Love <3 I'm so happy~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys seemed interested, so I added something special at the end of this chapter~

They wake up in the morning at the same time. Kakashi takes a slow breath in through his nose without the mask on, savoring the smell of his partner. Yamato shifts back into him, filling the space in his arms, pressing back into Kakashi’s sleepy embrace with a mumbled greeting.

“Morning.”

“Aa. Welcome home.”

“I’m home,” Yamato murmurs back. “Have to get up soon. Sakura’s appointment.”

“She can take herself. Or the boys can take her. I want to hold you longer.”

Yamato doesn’t make a sound but Kakashi can see the pink tips of his ears, and knows he’s pleased.

They lie together for a while after that, not speaking. Just sharing breath, and heat, and being close. It’s a wonderful way to start the day. Kakashi wants to start every day of the rest of his life _just like this_. Wrapped up in the smell of them, knowing his students are somewhere waking up in the safety of their house, listening to the dogs seeking breakfast scraps, the sound of the wind through the trees and the slow rise and fall of Yamato’s chest beneath his hands.

“I love you.”

Yamato turns over and his eyes are glazed with a dear expression.

“I love you, too. Kakashi.”

Kakashi leans in, and Yamato meets him half-way.

They kiss long and slow, languid in the early morning light. It is far from the first time but it feels special. Different. Lovely and loving and wonderful. Kakashi’s hand sweeps up to hold Yamato’s face. The younger man hums at the warm feeling and covers it with his own hand.

When they come apart their cheeks are a similar shade of gentle pink, and they share a smile.

“Breakfast?”

“We should. Or we could be bad, and make them wait a little longer.”

Yamato rolls his eyes and shoves Kakashi’s face with his whole hand.

“I need some energy just so I can function around you,” he claims as they sit up. “You’re a hassle, _Sempai_.”

Kakashi makes a sound of agreement and steals the shirt Yamato was putting on to put it on himself. Yamato steals Kakashi’s pants in retribution, and so on, until eventually they manage to dress. Together they wander out to find who else is awake.

Sasuke and Sakura have put on breakfast. Naruto is sitting bleary-eyed at the table.

“Good Morning, Sensei, Yamato-sensei,” Sakura pipes up at the sight of them.

“Yo.”

“Good morning, Sakura,” Yamato says warmly. “Naruto? Are you alright?”

“Burned my hand,” he mentions, holding out the affected appendage, which has been wrapped needlessly in medicinal tape, “Now they won’t let me cook.”

“You almost set Kakashi-sensei’s kitchen on fire,” Sasuke snaps as he flips an omelette rather forcefully.

Kakashi sighs dramatically.

“Ah! Young love.”

Sasuke flings a tomato at his face.

Kakashi doesn’t duck in time (or try to dodge at all) and the fruit splatters dead-center between his eyes. Yamato snorts a laugh and leans in to help clean him. Kakashi enjoys the treatment, grinning under his mask as Yamato tends to him with a quiet air of exasperation. “You deserved that.”

“I know. Can you kiss and make it better?”

He gets an eye roll but he also gets a kiss. Worth it.

“Senseiiii,” Naruto whines. “Ew. _Gross_.”

“Naruto,” Kakashi scolds, “I don’t whine when you kiss your boyfriend.”

Sasuke at the stove goes a bit pink.

“Yeah! But! You’re older—it’s _inappropriate_.”

“Who taught you such a big word,” Sasuke mutters.

“Oi!”

Yamato shakes his head. “Naruto, no whining at the table.”

“Yamato-sensei,” Sasuke pleads. He almost looks distressed, so the brown-haired man relents.

“We can try to keep our hands to ourselves. But that rule would apply to everyone. Do you think you could handle it, Naruto? Not being able to kiss your boyfriend at every opportunity?”

“Eh? Who needs rules,” Naruto says quickly, “Sasuke! It’s fine! Right? It’s just a kiss! Don’t be a baby!”

Sasuke glares, betrayed, and Sakura snickers at the four of them.

“I like kissing,” Kakashi announces, looping two arms around Yamato’s waist and pulling him close. “I think I’ll keep doing it, rules or no rules.”

“_Sempai_.”

“_Kohai_.”

“Ka-ka-shi!”

“Ya-ma-to,” Kakashi quips right back at him, and leans in to peck Yamato’s irritated face.

Sakura and Naruto snicker, then, clearly enjoying the teasing at Yamato’s expense. Sasuke huffs and passes out a mushroom and tomato and cheese omelette.

Kakashi is amazed at the changes from the first night they all stayed together. Sakura’s voice is familiar, and it raises and falls with the turn of the conversation. He can’t believe there was a time when she didn’t speak at all. Or touch people, as she elbows Naruto in the gut, and bumps shoulders with Sasuke, who leans up against her like they’re the ones dating.

And that’s another thing that he didn’t expect—Sasuke and Naruto, who are boyfriends. Sasuke who couldn’t abide his touch but needed to keep him, and Naruto, who desperately wanted his touch, now only has eyes for Sasuke. The two of them are very exciting to be around. The three of them, really. Sakura’s as vibrant as Naruto for some subjects, can keep pace with Sasuke, and is the one to heal them when they inevitably stab each other with their chopsticks.

The warm laughter to his left is also a surprise. Yamato was someone he hadn’t really thought about since his ANBU days. He stepped into Kakashi’s life when he was at his lowest and kept pace from then on. He’s still walking side by side with Kakashi down the road of life. He looks up as Yamato scolds Naruto and Sasuke for fighting at breakfast, the way his exasperation is totally fond, the shape of his face, how he looks firm but his soft eyes give him away, and wonders what he would have done without this man.

Life certainly would have been different.

Sakura finishes healing the chopstick stab wounds and her breakfast. “I’m off! My appointment is earlier today. We’re going to cook!”

“Is it curry,” Naruto asks eagerly. “Can you bring some extra home, if you make extra?”

“Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me,” Sakura says with a big grin. “It’s easier, with help! And six hands is faster than four.”

Sasuke snorts.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He glances Yamato’s way. “It’s alright if we all go?”

“It’s alright,” Yamato agrees.

Kakashi sighs as the teenagers scramble up to clear their dishes and be on their way.

“Maa. When did you become his dad?”

Yamato splutters.

“I am—he hasn’t—it’s not like that!”

“He used to look up to me,” Kakashi continues dramatically, “and now it’s all Yamato-sensei this, Yamato-sensei that. Where did my respect go?”

Yamato gives him a dead look.

“If only there was something to respect.”

“Aa? You didn’t deny it.”

“Hm?”

Kakashi waits until the sound of teenage footfalls has faded completely to continue.

“Do you like the idea? Of being his dad. Their dad. Sasuke’s not the only one who could use a father figure.”

Yamato feels his heart start to beat very quickly.

“You’re saying a couple different things all at one,” he accuses. His face is getting warm.

“You’re clever,” Kakashi laughs. “I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“_Sempai_.”

The silver-haired man shrugs, keeping his tone casual, despite how Yamato’s eyes track him intensely. “Honestly, though. What do you think? You already have a key. And I promise to be a very good housewife. I’ll even wear an apron for you, if you like.”

Some of Yamato’s blush fades.

“Are… you asking me…”

Kakashi scratches the back of his neck.

“Yes. I didn’t want to make a big production out of it. You got so upset, with the key—I thought if I just asked—“

He can’t finish the thought because Yamato throws both arms around him and they go down against the kitchen floor in a heap, Kakashi on his back with a lap full of Mokuton-user, who is kissing him ferociously through the mask. Kakashi shoves him off just long enough to pull it down, so he can reclaim Yamato’s mouth with his bare lips.

They kiss passionately, heat searing through the shared touch. Kakashi thinks Yamato must be able to hear his heart, with how loudly it’s pounding. Yamato thinks Kakashi must know his heart is trying to leap out of his throat again, and is kindly helping him keep it inside of his body.

The kiss lasts a little longer, whatever the reason.

He can’t believe it. It’s been so long, and Kakashi is here, and wanting him, and asking him to stay, and he feels like he might explode with how desire is singing in his veins, threatening to erupt out of his skin. It does, a little: the table is starting to sprout twigs behind them as Yamato loses control of the Mokuton a bit.

Neither of them notice, too busy wrapped up in each other.

“Yes,” Yamato hisses when they come up for air. “Kakashi, _yes_. I want—“

“I want you,” Kakashi growls, and Yamato nearly sobs his approval. “Here? On the floor?”

“Bedroom!”

“Oh? Afraid we’ll get caught?”

“_Kakashi_,” Yamato pleads, and Kakashi decides to forgo teasing at the desperation in his partner’s voice.

“I’m sorry. I’ve made you wait long enough. Bedroom?”

Yamato nods furiously, face absolutely red, and goes easily when Kakashi pulls them upright.

There’s almost no foreplay after they shut the door behind them. Kakashi takes a hot second to enjoy the way Yamato reacts to having his nipples teased once they get out of their shirts, but he’s discouraged seconds later when Yamato grabs his hand and puts it where he wants the attention; down between his legs.

Kakashi’s own face goes quite red at the bold move. Yamato’s erection is evident against his palm, hard and straining, leaping against his touch as Yamato gasps and grinds down onto his hand. Then his eyes flutter open and he moves, and Kakashi wonders if he won’t come just from Yamato showing him what he wants. The younger man has Kakashi’s hand up under him, where he wants Kakashi, and isn’t shy about staring straight in his eyes. That hungry look is enough to dry up Kakashi’s mouth. He has to lick his lips before he tries to talk.

“So eager. Do you want my mouth?”

“No. I want you to fuck me,” Yamato gasps. Kakashi nearly doubles over. It isn’t unexpected but hearing Yamato say it so plainly rather does Kakashi in, and he knows he won’t last, so he tries to buy some time.

“Won’t you let me stretch you?”

“I’ve practiced,” Yamato pants, eyes pitch black with want, cheeks flushed, hand hot as he holds Kakashi against his ass where he wants him, “Kakashi, please, _I need you._ Don’t make me wait—“

“I won’t,” Kakashi swears, “I won’t. Yamato.”

He kisses the other man back against the bed. Yamato goes with a desperate sound, letting Kakashi strip his pants and damp boxers and get them naked. His cock is already dripping, and Kakashi uses the mess to slick Yamato’s dick, hot and throbbing under his touch. But he doesn’t spend long stroking him because Yamato is waiting.

He throws Yamato’s long legs apart and lines them up. He should go slower but Yamato’s been waiting, and Kakashi’s been waiting for this, too. They both want the same thing, to be here, together, sharing this moment, and he cannot wait a single second longer. Yamato throws his head back as Kakashi presses against him, the head of his cock weeping precome enough to slick them both.

“Please—oh! Please—“

“Yes,” Kakashi hisses as he slides in.

The heat of Yamato around his cock is _incredible_. The sounds Yamato makes as he pushes in are even more amazing. Kakashi tries to memorize every gasp, every little aching cry, and fucks in a little sharply to make Yamato shout with pleasure. The other man moans as Kakashi bottoms out deep inside his ass.

“You feel incredible,” Kakashi says like a prayer. “Fuck. Yamato. You’re amazing.”

“Kakashi,” Yamato “Please. Fuck me!”

Kakashi leans up to kiss that wide-open mouth and complies. Yamato makes a ragged sound at the first thrust, adjusting his hips as Kakashi adjusts his grip, and then he groans, long and loud and satisfied as Kakashi sets the pace, watching with lust-blown eyes, never looking away at the delicious sight of Yamato coming undone under him. The younger man is alive with reactions, back arching, panting, breathless with how good it is, hot and slick and amazing, the slide as Kakashi fucks into him over and over again.

“I love you,” Yamato gasps, “Gods. Kakashi! Oh, don’t stop.”

“I won’t,” Kakashi promises, lips pressed to Yamato’s throat. He sucks and nips with teeth to make Yamato moan and cry out sharply, laughing at the different noises. He mutters a brief apology and keeps moving his hips, driving in deep with every thrust, making Yamato groan and shudder, wondering if he can get more desperate, needy noises from the reserved man.

Yamato groans, caught up in the incredible sensation. It’s _everything_ he’s dreamed of, Kakashi pushing him to the edge like this, and he knows he won’t last much longer. It’s impossible.

He hears Kakashi pant his name out, driving in deep, seeking every way he can drive Yamato wild. “Tell me,” Kakashi says roughly, slowing down to hold back his own orgasm, “Tell me what you want. Yamato.”

“Just you,” Yamato says, breathless, reaching up and pulling Kakashi down into him for a scorching kiss.

Heat curls, hot, impossibly hot in Kakashi’s guts, and he curses against Yamato’s lips. He can’t hold back.

“I’m gonna…”

“_Yes_,” his partner hisses, body aching and eager, and Yamato does something with his muscles and suddenly it’s too tight, too hot, _perfect_ and Kakashi’s hips snap forward, stabbing deep and pulling a sharp sound of pleasure from Yamato as he’s filled.

Kakashi cries out, a beautiful sound, and fucks in a few final times, burying himself in Yamato as far as he can, and drops down against the other man, sandwiching Yamato’s cock between their stomachs. The pressure is enough, just the feel of Kakashi buried inside of him and the weight against him and Yamato follows with a wail, coming and making a mess of them.

“Love you. I love you. Kakashi,” Yamato mumbles, over and over, until Kakashi covers his mouth with a kiss.

“I love you, too,” he says back, eyes fond and wide open. Yamato blinks up into the Sharingan and feels his face turn hotter.

“It’s… _Sempai_, are you, should you be using that right now?”

“I want to remember the look on your face.”

Yamato’s face goes redder but he doesn’t turn away.

“Yamato?”

“Yes?”

Kakashi kisses him one more time before closing his Sharingan eye and speaking fondly.

“Please use my name from now on.”

Yamato nods and drops his cheek against Kakashi’s shoulder. “I will. But, I’ll still probably call you _Sempai_ from time to time.”

“Hard to break a habit.”

“No. It’ll be because you’re being an idiot and I want you to know,” Yamato deadpans.

Kakashi barks a laugh, then, and rolls over on top of Yamato’s body, and right into the semen still drying on his partner’s stomach. But he doesn’t mind. He’d much rather focus on the way Yamato reaches up for him, cheeks still hot with desire, and pulls him down for another kiss.

+

The kids come home later that day and immediately call them out.

“Congratulations!”

Yamato looks startled but Kakashi just shoots his favorite female gennin a one-eyed wink. Sasuke rolls his eyes with a heavy air of _‘why-is-this-my-life_’ and Naruto grins ear-to-ear, elbowing Yamato as they come into the kitchen carrying enough curry for six meals.

“So! So! Was it totally amazing?”

Yamato goes pink and whips around to glare at Sakura.

“When you said congratulations…”

Sakura’s grin is unrepentant.

“Well, isn’t it obvious? Congrats on finally getting laid!”

Yamato gapes.

Sasuke huffs an embarrassed sigh, muttering about privacy and knowing too much.

Sakura beams.

Naruto grins and bugs him for details, and Yamato’s face goes supernova.

Kakashi _Shunshin’s_ out the house to avoid the inevitable explosion seconds later.

+

Asuma glances up from the Missions Desk at the sound of a far-off **kaboom**.

“Sounds like Kakashi finally popped the question.”

“Oh? That’s lovely,” Iruka says kindly, cheeks pink. “I’m so happy for him!”

“Aa,” Genma sighs. “At least one of us is getting laid—_oof_.”

Iruka’s ears go pink and he blusters, “You can’t talk about _sex_ at _work_, Genma!”

“Well maybe if I was getting sex outside of work I wouldn’t _have_ to,” Genma grumbles, “But you’re too busy with the kids so you never notice.”

The chuunin stares at him for a moment.

“What? Kids? What kids?”

“Kids, students… Nevermind,” Genma sighs, deeply, and adjusts the senbon in his lips. “What forms did you need from Kurenai’s team? I can run over and find them for you.”

“Oh? That would be so helpful!”

“Sure. Anything for you, _sensei_.”

There's a bit of a pause after that. Genma has already resigned himself to getting up and leaving when Iruka grabs him by the collar and plucks the senbon out of his mouth, drags him right up against his lips, stopping a breath away, and asks very darkly, “_Anything_?”

The cigarette falls out of Asuma's mouth and lands on his hand, and he swallows down his hiss because _holy fuck_, is that Umino Iruka making a tokubetsu jounin blush? He pinches himself to make sure it’s not a dream but he doesn’t wake up—that’s _definitely_ shy little Iruka getting up in the other man’s face, literally, and Genma is too busy being stunned to take advantage, the bug-eyed idiot.

Iruka just raises an eyebrow, expectant, and Genma stutters out a reply.

It’s too low to hear but it’s the right answer. Iruka makes a sound of approval and brushes past Genma’s lips, dragging a kiss across his cheek from the corner of his mouth toward his ear, where he leans in to whisper something clearly deviant, for how Genma’s eyes darken.

The school teacher pulls away with a placid smile, looking completely normal, as Genma sinks to his butt, unable to get his legs to work right.

“That sounds lovely.”

“Yeah,” Genma squeaks, then coughs, and gets his voice to work normally again, “Yes. If you want—if you’re free.”

Iruka smiles beatifically and makes a shooing motion.

“The papers. From Kurenai-san?"

Genma nods and goes in a swirl of leaves.

Asuma waits until Iruka looks over, daring him to say something with his eyes, and gives a thumbs-up.

“Go get you some.”

Iruka shoots him a bright smile.

“I think I will, Asuma-Sensei. Can you watch the desk for me?”

Asuma grins.

“Have a good break, sensei.”

“Oh, I intend to,” Iruka says meaningfully, that something dark coloring his words ever-so-slightly, and Asuma watches him go with amusement. Who would’ve thought? But Iruka’s also a man, for all that he’s sweet and kind and wonderful with children. Asuma makes a note to check in on Kakashi and tease him later, and also to keep tabs on the interesting development happening here. Perhaps he’ll take more shifts watching the Missions Desk after all, if this is what he’s in for.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrapping up a few things here and there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I can't believe we're here. This arc just feels so good, and wholesome, and lovely, ah~
> 
> <s>iruka you freak</s>

Kakashi and Yamato walk Sasuke to his appointment together. Then they head to grab lunch together. When they leave to collect their student, they go home together. And finally, when they gather their shared students for dinner, they cook together, standing side by side in the kitchen of Kakashi’s house that’s become their home.

It’s nice.

“This is nice.”

Yamato looks up from slicing daikon radish. He offers a soft, warm smile and continues to chop. “It is.”

They cook and eat and clean together. Then they shower and brush teeth and fall into bed, and into one another. Then they’re together in another sense of the word, as close as two people can get, for a little while. Eventually sleep claims them and they drift off to dreams around the same time.

When dawn comes the next day Kakashi mentions it again.

“I really like this.”

“Mm?”

“Us,” Kakashi clarifies, running a hand over the new bite marks decorating Yamato’s neck and shoulder, “being here, with you.”

Yamato hums and rolls out of bed.

“Your appointment is soon. Let me make you coffee and we can grab breakfast on the way over.”

That sounds nice, too. Kakashi rolls out of bed after his partner and they tackle the day together.

They make coffee side by side, and walk side by side to his appointment. He takes Yamato and presses their lips together, enjoying the feel of his mouth, familiar and beloved, and pulls back for a moment just to look at the other man. Yamato endures it with exasperated fondness, reaching up to mess with his lover’s silver locks.

“How’s your eye? The Sharingan?”

“It’s fine. I think I’m fine, too.”

Yamato’s smile blooms, then, like a flower that only opens once a year, brilliant, radiant and beautiful.

Kakashi can’t help himself—he leans in to try and taste the sunshine spilling off Yamato’s smile.

He’s a little late to therapy but the woman forgives him.

“We’ve become quite close. Yamato and I.”

“I can tell,” she says, “My office happens to have windows.”

He sits on his words, unwilling to bluster like a teenager being caught kissing somewhere they shouldn’t. The therapist shoots him a fond smile and they press on to the day’s topic of conversation.

They pass the time comfortably and suddenly the appointment is over, and the therapist puts her clipboard aside, and takes off her glasses.

“Today’s your last day, if you like.”

Kakashi stares.

“My last day.”

The therapist offers a gentle smile.

“Therapy isn’t meant to be a life long commitment. You didn’t expect to be coming here for the rest of your life, did you, Hatake-san? There had to come a point when both you and I felt as though your progress was sustainable even without my guidance. I believe we’ve finally reached that point.”

Kakashi doesn’t know what to say.

The therapist isn’t offended.

“I’m happy that you were able to come so far. I’m glad you didn’t give up.”

“I almost did.”

“But only almost, and now, here you are. How does it feel? To be at the end?”

“I’m not sure if I want it to end,” Kakashi mutters, fidgeting with his cup. “I’m not sure if I’m ready to do this on my own.”

The therapist smiles warmly at him.

“But are you really? On your own?”

Kakashi looks up and shakes his head before he has to process that question. He’s not alone anymore. He has Yamato to walk by his side. His team stands behind him and his old team and mentor are gone on ahead of him. He has friends to help him on bad days, Guy, Asuma, Genma, Anko, Kurenai and others. He has his Ninken and the Lord Third Hokage in a pinch. The entire village is full of strangers he’d give his life to protect but there’s a handful of people who have stepped forward out of being strange. Now they’re people that he can say have changed and shape his life. They’re his friends and precious people and the reason he isn’t alone.

“I’m not. Not anymore.”

The therapist nods, pleased.

“I’m glad you can see it now. I’m so glad, Kakashi.”

Kakashi stands, then, and reaches out. The therapist meets him halfway, accepting his handshake, which turns into a brief but tender embrace. When he lets go, he looks at her for what may or may not be the last time.

“May I have your name?” he asks as he opens the door. “I thought, before, I wouldn’t want to know. That it would make it easier to forget, to stay impersonal… but you’ve been such an important part of my journey. It would be an _honor_ to know you. I want to remember your name.”

The woman looks touched, and nods with a lovely smile.

“It’s Kristy. Dr. Kristy Park. I’m so glad to have met you, Hatake-san. Good luck, and goodbye.”

Kakashi bows at the waist, down low, and departs.

+

Yamato finds him speaking softly to the Memorial Stone well past the time they were meant to meet up.

He watches from afar, knowing full well that someone of Copy-Ninja Kakashi’s aptitude has already caught his scent, already aware of his presence, yet his full focus remains on the stone memorial where the names of his old team are inscribed. Kakashi looks better than he has in months. He stands slouched again, not too straight, nervous or tense. The way he’s laid-back looking brings relief and Yamato finds himself inadvertently eavesdropping as he comes closer to claim Kakashi out of his visit.

“…would have loved her. She uses the same short cuts you do. And Sasuke is very fond of your tendency towards rabbit food. That is, vegetables. Aah. Here’s one more person you’d have liked to spend time with.” He lifts a hand and Yamato steps forward to take it. “This guy’s back. I can’t get rid of him, _Sensei_. He follows me around everywhere.”

“You love it,” Yamato says flatly.

Kakashi doesn’t deny it.

“Thank you for watching over him,” the brown-haired man continues, surprising his partner as he addresses the Memorial Stone with Kakashi’s hand gripped in his, “I know sometimes he can worry you, but don’t fret. He’s actually quite dependable, no matter how he seems.”

“Oi,” Kakashi protests. “I’m getting better.”

“You’re only forty-five minutes late.”

“That’s an improvement!”

“I’m so sorry, Lord Fourth,” Yamato murmurs. “I’ll keep after him for you. _Somehow_.”

“I’m sure you will,” Kakashi teases, leaning up against Yamato meaningfully.

Yamato shoves him rather roughly. “Not in front of—“

“Oh, Sensei wouldn’t mind.”

“We’re remembering the dead! **I** mind!”

Kakashi finds that’s all the more reason to tease. Yamato’s reactions are so much more exuberant the more proper he thinks he has to be.

They spend a few more minutes saying goodbye before walking home together.

He reaches out while they walk for Yamato’s hand.

Yamato accepts it easily, almost without thought, and the action warms Kakashi’s spirit.

“Do you remember the first time I did this? You were so flustered.”

“I was surprised,” Yamato deflects. “It was so soon after… and you were still a mess. Not how you are, now.”

“Oh? Am I any different?”

“Entirely. You’ve changed so much, Kakashi. I don’t know if you realize. You’re not the man lost to grief and guilt and shame that tried to kill himself.”

Kakashi nods, mostly to himself. He isn’t that person any more at all. He’s changed. Grown. Healed and moved on, and what he has now is incredible. His team is still standing. And Yamato is walking with him, side by side, hand in his, and Kakashi gives it a squeeze again, just to feel the pressure as Yamato squeezes back.

“I want this.”

“You have it,” Yamato says immediately.

“I have it now,” Kakashi clarifies, turning to face Yamato directly. “I want it for the rest of my life. You said I was unclear, earlier. Shall I say it plainly?”

“You might,” Yamato breathes, looking just as anxious to hear it as Kakashi is to ask it.

They both want the same thing. So it’s simple, then, to turn and bring Yamato’s hand to his mouth, to kiss his knuckles through the mask, and murmur softly, “Won’t you stay beside me, and be mine, forever?”

“I will.”

“Would you like to share a life with me?”

“I would.”

“Forever?”

“Yes,” Yamato says, voice colored with emotion. “Yes. Kakashi. I love you.”

“I love you, too, _kohai_.” Yamato lurches forward, then, stopping Kakashi mid-declaration with a kiss. It’s tender. Kakashi feels it breathing fresh life into him, tastes all of Yamato’s feelings through the lines of his lips, his hope for the future, his love for him now, his passion, his anticipation and longing desires. Every inch of him presses up against Kakashi, molding them dearly in the middle of the road.

Eventually that last thought prompts Kakashi to pull back.

“One thing I’ve been meaning to ask. I share so much with you, I’ve been remiss in offering you something.”

“I already have everything I want,” Yamato says, his heart full to bursting inside of his chest. The way he says it almost makes Kakashi forget what he was going to offer.

“Aa. I’m glad. But, I thought, if we were going to keep sharing things, perhaps I could share one more thing with you.”

“We already share everything. What else could you give me, that you haven’t already?”

“My name. My family name.”

Yamato’s almond-shaped eyes go wide.

“Your… but… _Sempai_, you’re the last of your clan. Surely, there are secrets—“

Kakashi shrugs.

“It’s lonely. Being the last. I’d rather not be alone anymore.”

Yamato sees at once, and maybe he should think it through more, but damn propriety, and damn what anyone else has to say, and the consequences. He grabs Kakashi by the hand again and marches off in the direction of Konoha’s official registry to see it done. Kakashi follows with an air of amusement, allowing Yamato to drag him back into town.

+

They get back home and kick the kids out of the house to consummate their relationship again.

Well, they don’t outright say they’re going to, but they don’t have to. Somehow the kids all know what the adults want to be up to and find excuses to get out of their hair. Sakura gives up a knowing wink as she takes both boys by the hand on her way out the door, dragging a protesting Naruto and a groaning Sasuke out of their teacher’s way, and heading from the house together. Kakashi feels a swell of fondness for her as she leads them, hand in hand, laughing all the way down the path that leads to the house they share.

Then a hand settles on his shoulder, and he turns to his partner, to the man he shares his name with, to the man he’ll share his life with, now and every moment after, and gives him a smile.

“I love you,” Yamato says, apropos of nothing. Kakashi pulls down his mask and shows off a smirk.

“Do you, now? Why don’t you show me?”

He’s answered with a growl. Yamato tackles him and they go down to the floor and Yamato spends the next couple of hours showing Kakashi just how much he loves him. _Vigorously_.

+

“Iruka-sensei! Iruka-sensei, it’s me!”

“Naruto! So good to see you,” Iruka says with a smile and a wave. Naruto waves back enthusiastically, running up on his teacher at the noodle stand. Sasuke follows shortly after, hands in his pockets, with a nod in Iruka’s direction. The chuunin offers his former student a fond smile and a respectful nod back. Then he turns to the man standing beside him.

“Boys, I have someone I’d like you to meet…”

Introductions get made, and directly after Naruto voices his thoughts.

“Why’re you standing at a ramen stall? You should sit down when you eat noodles!”

He swings himself down directly beside his teacher and Sasuke joins him.

Iruka turns from his students to offer Shiranui Genma a beatific smile.

“Yes, dear. Why don’t you _sit_ with us? It’ll be much more comfortable than standing.”

Genma grins around his senbon, gripping it tightly in his clenched teeth.

“You know very well why I can’t sit,” he mutters even as he slides in to a chair on the other side of Iruka. His thighs are trembling with the effort of holding himself up, and he’s wholly unprepared for the school teacher to reach over when their company isn’t looking and smack his ass.

Genma bites down his wail as the weight inside him shifts.

When he can think again he shoots his boyfriend a scathing look. He’s sweating.

Iruka beams back at him with that happy little smile.

“Sit, Genma-_chan_. It’s lunch time.”

+

“Sakura-chan! Hey! I’ve got our drinks!”

“Thanks Ino,” Sakura says with a smile, holding out a hand to accept the lemonade her best friend brings over. She’d ditched the boys for Ino the second she saw her and they let her go to have some time alone together. That’s a funny saying. Alone, together. She brings it up to Ino.

“What d’you think? It’s weird, right? Being alone, together. Then you’re not really alone at all, are you?”

“I don’t think anyone wants to be alone,” Ino says philosophically. “I mean. Not really. Maybe sometimes, like if your boyfriend pisses you off, or if you’re sad. But eventually you find someone and then you’re not alone again.”

“Someone like you?”

Ino colors and shoves Sakura with a shoulder.

“You’ll make me spill my drink, Ino-Pig!”

“Don’t say such embarrassing things then, Forehead-Girl!”

Sakura looks up with amazed suspicion.

“Wait… do you like me? Like—“

“No way! I like teasing you, though,” Ino says with a laugh. “I still like boys better. Just because we’re best friends doesn’t mean you can try and kiss me!”

Sakura grins.

“So! _Best friends_?”

Ino goes a bit pink.

“Wait! I take it back! I didn’t—“

“You totally said it,” Sakura sings, because Ino likes it when she teases, and it’s fun, “Best friends! We’re best friends forever!”

“Not on your life!”

“You said!”

“Did not!”

“Did so!”

Ino shrieks in outrage and Sakura falls out laughing, unable to hold herself back. The sound is beautiful, unrestrained and loud and lovely, and the familiar ring of it makes Ino stop and stare for just a moment. And then she grabs Sakura by the neck and drags her up.

“So, best friend, since we’re such good buddies, I wanna know **all** the dirt you’ve got on Sasuke-sama…”

“Oh,” Sakura says with a light in her eyes, “Come on! Let’s get refills for our drinks! There’s so much to tell….”

Both girls cackle and rush off together.

+

“…301… 302… 303… 304…”

Asuma grits his teeth and pushes, stretching his aching arms one last time, and gives out, going down in a heap beside Might Guy, who is still steadily preforming flawless press ups.

“I quit. I’ll never beat you. Where’s Hatake when you need him?”

“Ah! You wish to make a challenge of my Eternal Rival? A worthy opponent!”

“I need him to whoop your ass so you’ll shut up,” Asuma says in good humor, “Since I can’t do it, either.”

“Never doubt! For one day! You, too! Can become a man of such discipline and strength as my Eternal Rival…”

Asuma shakes his head.

“Not on your life, Guy. Thanks for the challenge anyway! I had a blast.”

“Of course!” Guy vaults from the ground, propelling himself with just his arm muscles despite having done well over four-hundred consecutive one-handed press ups, and strikes a now familiar pose. Asuma just laughs and shoots him a thumbs up in return.

“Let’s crash Hatake’s place tomorrow morning. I wanna swim that race again.”

“Oh ho! The fires of Youth shall prevail! At dawn’s first light….!”

Asuma waves and leaves Guy to his dramatic speech about igniting passion and competition. Sweating profusely and aching and sore, he heads for the comfort of his own home. There a beautiful face set with wild red eyes and framed with raven black hair in curving curls greets him with a smile and a kiss.

“Welcome home.”

“I’m home,” Asuma says warmly, voice thick with love, and he follows Kurenai into the apartment.

“Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah. I don’t need to train for the rest of the week, now. One session with Might Guy and…”

Kurenai laughs at him but doesn’t disagree.

“I need your help after dinner. There forms for the Chuunin Exams are due this Friday. My gennin are ready.”

“Mine, too.”

“Did Guy say…”

“Of course he’ll be entering this year. His team’s _been_ ready. Don’t know what took them so long to apply.”

“And Hatake?” Kurenai hedges.

Asuma shakes his head.

“They got shook up real bad recently. I don’t think they’ll enter this year.”

“That makes sense, though. They’ve only been gennin for a year, a year and a half? Hardly enough time to prepare.”

“Your team’s green, too,” Asuma argues. “And mine.”

“But they’re ready. You think Hatake hasn’t been pushing them hard enough?”

Asuma shakes his head again. “I think he pushed them plenty. But they went through some real shit this year. It wouldn’t do them any good to get slammed with the Exams so soon. I’m pretty positive they’re sitting this year out.”

“A shame,” Kurenai sighs, “but of course, it’s the safer choice.”

“And this year they’re doing it Training Grounds 44.”

“The _Forest of Death_? Where Black Ops runs their training routine… that’s outrageous!” Kurenai’s pale face goes even paler. “Hinata won’t… she’s not…”

“Not ready,” Asuma says with a grin. “With an attitude like that, she never will be! If you think they can handle it submit their names. Let them surprise you.” He stands and stretches, catching the way his girlfriend’s eyes follow the thick bands of muscles on his chest and in his arms. He grins her way.

“Gonna catch a shower before dinner. Care to join me?”

Kurenai’s red lips twist into a wicked smile.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> s m u t
> 
> i swear there's more plot, but some days you wake up and you just wanna fuck your husband, amirite

“Sakura. Take the boys out and don’t come back for a while.”

Yamato looks up immediately, face heating at Kakashi’s instructions. Sakura’s face is hot to match, cheeks nearly pink as her hair as she scrambles to her feet to comply.

“Sure thing, Sensei. Have fun together!”

The Mokuton-user chokes a bit as the gennin abandons him for her teammates and leaves him to weather Kakashi’s hungry one-eyed stare alone.

“There are more appropriate ways to ensure we’re alone, _Sempai_,” Yamato scolds as he gets to his feet. “Did you need something?”

Kakashi shrugs and slowly blinks his one eye, never looking away from Yamato’s face.

“Yes. I want to eat you out and then fuck you through the mattress.”

All the blood in Yamato’s body rushes to his face. He can’t speak. Can’t think, or react at all to such a blunt overture. But his legs seem to work just fine as his partner reaches out to lead him, one hand steering Yamato by the shoulder and guiding them both toward the bedroom. The heat in his cheeks has split up and by the time Kakashi shoves him onto the bed they share he has a very healthy erection.

“What brought this on?” Yamato wonders even as he strips his vest and forehead protector.

Kakashi deposits his on top of Yamatos and shrugs as the metal clacks.

“Do I need a reason beyond I want to?”

“Not really. No,” Yamato breathes as Kakashi slowly opens Obito’s eye to record the look of his face, to memorize the way he’s blushing furiously at the thought of what Kakashi wants to do to him.

“Give me a hand, then, and get out of your pants, _kohai_.”

The way Kakashi’s voice comes, a low rumble in his chest, makes Yamato shudder as he obeys. Kakashi hums appreciatively as the pants come off. He works his shirt off as Yamato leans back on the bed, watching with half-lidded eyes as the scar comes into view, the one that almost stole Kakashi’s life. He leans up before Kakashi can lean down to examine it. The flesh is well healed now. The clean line looks almost as though it’s been there all his life. No jagged edges.

A gloved hand comes down over his, and Yamato realizes he’s been staring.

“It’s alright,” Kakashi mumbles through the mask. He isn’t embarrassed or upset. Just patient.

That’s right, Yamato thinks as his blush comes back. Kakashi is hungry for him.

“I’m sorry. I’m making you wait.”

“If you want to blow me first I won’t stop you,” Kakashi quips, but Yamato is already sliding out of his boxers and flips on the bed, onto his hands and knees, so Kakashi can get to his bare behind.

“Maybe later,” Yamato mumbles, embarrassed but willing, “You said.”

“I did.”

Two hands come up and Yamato shudders at the touch, the way his lover gropes him greedily, taking a few moments to just appreciate his ass with enthusiastic hands. He tries not to let it show, but Kakashi makes a tsk-ing sound from behind him.

“You don’t have to hide. Just let yourself enjoy it,” he scolds, squeezing for Yamato’s benefit. “I promise not to tease.”

“That’s a lie,” Yamato says straight away, though he can’t suppress a shudder. “You’ll tease.”

“Only a little.”

Yamato shakes his head and buries his face in the sheets to hide his shame, how obviously he does enjoy having Kakashi fondle his ass, cheeks burning though his cock is aching between his legs. Kakashi knows and continues his fond expiration, just enjoying the way Yamato reacts to his touch, confident and eager to hear him groan.

“No one else is around. You don’t have to be embarrassed. And we’ve done much more embarrassing things than me grabbing your ass.”

They have. But it’s still something of a guilty pleasure, the thought that his older _Sempai_ is groping him, is enamored with his butt, and Yamato can’t stop the moan as he shakes his head, still hiding his face and pressing his rear back against that searching grip. Kakashi shrugs behind him with a little sigh.

As much as he likes Yamato’s ass, he is particularly in the mood to eat Yamato out, as he said, and drops the mask with a finger. Yamato twitches as he draws in close, pressing a searching thumb up against that tight pucker.

“So tight. You’d never guess that a cock could fit in here, to the hilt.”

Yamato shudders under him.

“_Sempai_?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Can I have your hand?”

“While I eat you?” Kakashi hums, as though the question requires serious consideration. “Would you rather have my mouth, after?”

Yamato groans into the sheets. “I get to pick?”

The silver-haired man chuckles.

“You may.”

It’s a long pause, and Kakashi appreciates the way the two options make Yamato struggle under him, twisting a bit as he presses in against the sweet pink entrance with the tip of his thumb, to see his kohai squirm. The younger man grits his teeth and tries to think, weighing having Kakashi’s hand now against having his mouth later, but it’s difficult with the way Kakashi keeps drawing his attention with teasing presses, just enough pressure so he can’t ignore, but hardly enough to satisfy.

“_Sempai_… I can’t think, when you… ah, please, just, give me a second—“

“I’m done waiting,” Kakashi warns, licking his lips and diving in.

Yamato splutters against the sheets and shouts at the first lick, full-body shuddering at the warm, wet sensation of a tongue diving in against his asshole, and he frantically gives an answer. Kakashi graciously drops a gloved hand between his lover’s thighs, to catch his straining erection.

For a few minutes it’s all Yamato can do not to come, holding off and trying to shift away from that relentless tongue as Kakashi licks in with long strokes, and fists his cock with an expert grip. Kakashi seems focused on driving Yamato past coherency with pleasure, not letting him escape, not giving an inch or room to breathe as he works his partner’s cock in a grip slick with precome, licking and fucking in with his tongue, face pressed right up against the smooth cheeks of Yamato’s ass.

The brown-haired man can’t even form complete sentences. Just vacillates between panting raggedly and groaning pitifully at the way his lover tries to drive him insane.

Kakashi is spurred on by Yamato’s little sounds, the quiet gasps and long moans, and the way he keeps trying to twist out of his grip, to keep from coming. He loves the way Yamato tries to hide his face, embarrassed but turned on, clearly enjoying his husband’s attention.

“Ready to come?” Kakashi asks, coming up for fresh air and to re-wet his lips.

Yamato whimpers, legs twitching, cock leaping in Kakashi’s grip, and the older jounin just dives right back in to lick Yamato open.

He knows his partner is getting close. Yamato keeps dropping little curses and Kakashi speeds his hand up, feels Yamato’s hips start to thrust to meet his grip. He’s so close. Nothing could stop him now, not with how Yamato’s body coils right before he crests, and Kakashi thrusts in deep with his tongue to hear Yamato _whine_ for him.

There’s a very lewd squelching as Kakashi’s fist gets drenched in come.

Yamato’s body shivers as he spends, coming with a long sound that makes Kakashi red with pride. He pulled that sound from Yamato. Such a flip from his usual stoic expression, and Kakashi loves the feeling of undoing him, of making him react so organically. He keeps stroking his lover through his orgasm, milking him until there’s nothing left, letting go very gently as Yamato shudders a final time.

When he goes to change positions, he notices that the headboard seems to have sprouted twigs.

Keeping his observation to himself, Kakashi brings Yamato’s load up in a cupped hand, to dribble it over his own hard cock. There’s plenty enough to slick himself, and he’s made a fair mess of Yamato’s asshole with his saliva, so there’s plenty slick to pave the way for his cock.

He doesn’t have to ask if Yamato is ready for him. The other man’s hips adjust as Kakashi gets into position. A smirk crosses his lips as he fists himself, watching Yamato present his ass like a present.

“You’re perfect,” he says softly, voice thick with liquid love.

Under him, Yamato shivers, and presses back with his hips.

Kakashi doesn’t wait any longer, lining them up and letting the head of his cock slip up against Yamato’s wet hole. The glide in is always wonderful. He loves the way it feels, but he loves watching Yamato try to hold perfectly still, restraining himself, as though enjoying it is some kind of crime.

“You know, it’s alright to let your voice out. It’s just us here.”

A soft, unsteady exhale answers him.

Kakashi waits a little longer. Then he goes further, slotting in deeper than usual for just starting out, and Yamato’s breath hitches in his throat. The sound is like a little prize, and Kakashi greedily searches for more, pushing in until he’s balls deep inside his husband, grinding him down until he’s lying flat against the bed.

The soft sound of panting strokes his ego.

“Yamato. Let me hear you.”

“I… _nnn_, Kakashi.”

Instead of answering, Kakashi draws back out and slots in again, to feel Yamato’s hips jerk, to hear that soft gasp one more time. He growls low in his throat, appreciative. “It’s very good for me, to hear all those little noises you make.”

To his surprise, Yamato twists on the bed with a half-smirk.

“If you like them so much then give me something to be noisy about.”

Spurred by the sudden challenge, Kakashi grabs Yamato by the hips to fuck in once. The sharp thrust makes Yamato grit his teeth, eyes alight but silent, and Kakashi feels his own mouth match his husband’s smirk.

“Well, well. Someone seems cocky. _Kohai_.”

“Someone sure talks big, _Sempai_,” Yamato snaps back, but the effect is lost a bit as Kakashi fucks back out, nearly all the way, making Yamato twist with the pleasurable slide. His breathing is uneven but his gaze is still red-hot. “Weren’t you going to fuck me into the mattress?”

He does something with his muscles and Kakashi feels the breath punched out of him as Yamato bears down on the tip of his cock, ass squeezing intensely around the head of his dick and he lets out a whine of his own. When he can focus again, he glares down at his grinning husband, and snatches a thick thigh to yank Yamato into a different position. The sudden shift makes Yamato scramble for purchase, and in the distraction Kakashi slots in to the hilt, slamming his cock in deep, and Yamato _shouts_ with the sudden fullness.

Kakashi fucks him furiously, hammering in without pause, hips slapping against Yamato’s ass with every thrust. The younger man forgets how to breathe, unable to think, just barely hanging on to the bed as he’s fucked mercilessly fast and hard. Kakashi snarls above him, lost to the tight heat of Yamato, fucking in with long, fast strokes that make his partner cry out every time.

The heat is unbearable. Yamato loses himself without ever touching his dick, sobbing as he comes again, dick throbbing as Kakashi pounds in over and over and over again, fucking his orgasm out of him with a wild ardency that leaves Yamato loopy with satisfaction.

“Fuck,” Kakashi hisses, “Yamato, look at you… You feel incredible—you’re _perfect_, you take it so well…”

Yamato tries to reply, and can’t, because Kakashi’s dick keeps scrambling his brains every time it goes so deep, which is nearly every time, and Kakashi fucking knows it. The older man shudders to feel Yamato’s body post-orgasm, never stopping his thrusts, still fucking in deeply against Yamato’s slick passage.

“Love it when you come, _fuck_, Yamato, feels amazing… You look incredible after, fuck, _ah_—”

His hips stutter and the hands at his hips grip him fiercely. Yamato makes an effort, pressing up as Kakashi bears down. The result is Kakashi spending with a shudder, buried deep in Yamato’s ass, come shooting into the deepest part of him, and Yamato groans long and low as he takes his lover’s seed.

Kakashi pants out praise as he fucks in a final time.

“So good… perfect, Yamato, fuck, it’s everything… you feel so good…”

“Nng. Kakashi…”

“Love you. Yamato. I love you…”

“I know. Me, too, _Sempai_.”

There’s a kiss to his shoulder, and Kakashi adjusts them so they’re lying together, still buried inside his husband’s body. Yamato can’t blush any harder but the thought makes his heart flutter, to think that Kakashi is still balls-deep inside of him, even after coming. He shifts and feels a shudder at the sensation of his lover’s dick inside.

A warm arm wraps him up, keeps him close, and Yamato sighs happily.

Eventually Kakashi softens and slips out. A towel gets passed between them and they wipe themselves clean. Then they spend a few moments just being close, wrapped up in the afterglow of their orgasms, basking in being near and having one another.

“You seemed like you really enjoyed that.”

“I always enjoy it when you take me,” Yamato mutters, honest but mildly embarrassed to say it out loud.

“I’ve never doubted that,” Kakashi says, “Only, you seemed to _really_ like it.”

“What makes you say that?”

Kakashi presents an unfamiliar twig, complete with leaves and a flower bud.

Yamato stares at it.

“Where did this come from?”

“From you, apparently,” Kakashi answers cheerfully, gesturing to the bed frame, where identical twigs are twisting up out of the wood, sprouting before their eyes.

Yamato gapes and goes magenta.

The silver-haired jounin watches his lover stare at their bed, which appears to be attempting to self-style itself into a miniature treehouse. It’s funny to watch him panic over his own quirks. Kakashi lets him frantically worry about the bed frame for a few more minutes before dragging Yamato against his chest with a firm grip.

“Let’s worry about it later. The kids will be back around noon, and I get to cuddle you for a few more hours.”

“But, the bed,” Yamato starts, only to lose his train of thought as Kakashi kisses it out of him.


End file.
